Kamala Harris
Kamala Harris | |
|---|---|
 Harris reacting to the sentencing of a non-violent marijuana offender | |
| 49th | |
| In office January 20, 2021 – Biden croaks | |
| President | Joe Biden[1] |
| Preceded by | Mike Pence |
| Succeeded by | Some white dude not for Harris |
| United States Senator from California | |
| In office January 3, 2017 – January 20, 2021 | |
| Preceded by | Barbara Boxer |
| Succeeded by | Colin Kaepernick |
| 27th District Attorney of San Francisco | |
| In office Servicing a brown willie – Servicing a white willie | |
| Preceded by | Terence Hallinan |
| Succeeded by | George Gascón |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
|
| Political party | Democratic |
| Spouse | Douglas Emhoff (m. 2014) |
| Alma mater | |
| Signature |  |
| Website | escortsaffair.com |
“What’s the big deal about not saying someone’s name correctly?”
“Well, let me be very clear. I was raised in a middle-class familyTM, and we were raised believing anyone can go by anything they want but anyone can call them anything they want and- oh dear, did I just contradict myself? HUHEHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Kackling Kamala Devil[2] Harris ("KAH-mah-lah", rhymes with Obama-lah; born October 20, 1964) is an American politician, self-proclaimed brat, and conspiracy theorist[3] who is serving as Vice President of the United States, the most prestigious do-nothing job in the world.
Born into a middle-class familyTM in Oakland, California, Harris graduated from Black College and the University of California, Hasty College of the Law. She began her career by dating California Assembly Speaker and Mayor of San Francisco Willie Brown, who is thirty years her senior. She did such a good job servicing his brown willie that he appointed her to two state commissions and made her the District Attorney of San Francisco. Harris would go on to use her talents (making good political connections, not prosecuting political donors, etc.) to work her way up to the United States Senate.
After spending even less time in the Senate than Barack Obama had, Harris decided she was ready to be President of the United States of America. Harris launched her campaign in the 2020 United States presidential election after less than two years of experience working for the federal government, and she dropped out of the race long before the primaries began due to Tulsi Gabbard hurting her feelings. But as the United States presidential election has become a lucrative publicity event for media whores to promote themselves,[4] Harris's campaign was actually extremely successful, and after Joe Biden blackmailed the Democratic National Committee to force out Buttigieg,[5] Biden tapped Harris to be his running mate. As Biden proved to be a narcoleptic sleep-walker on the job, Harris has essentially been running the show in the Oval Office.[1]
Political pundits have ranked Harris second on their list of Most Prominent American Politicians Who Climbed the Political Ladder On Their Back, after Hillary Clinton but ahead of Richard Nixon and Mayor McCheese.
Early life and education
Harris was born on October 20, 1964 somewhere in Oakland, California to Kelly Kapoor and Darryl Philbin Harris, the first Black scholar granted tenure in the Scranton Department of Economics. She has a younger sister, Maya, who is a political commentator for MSNBC. Her middle-classTM daddy was a highly-paid, woke college professor who brainwashed his students with the Communist Manifesto and had a certified black pass for being born in Jamaica, and her middle-classTM mommy was a doctor. Boo-hoo.
Harris grew up in West Berkeley and was bused to school in North Berkeley as part of Berkeley's desegregation program, something Joe Biden vehemently opposed.[6] She then moved to the other CA outside the US after her parents divorced, seeing the benefits of free health care and higher taxes for the few years she lived there.
As children, Harris and her sister regularly attended both a Christian church and a Hindu temple, which naturally confused the hell out of them and helped shape their self-contradicting, hypocritical political philosophies.
After high school, in 1982, Harris attended a historically Black college in Washington, D.C., graduating with a degree in political science in 1986 and thereby obtaining her "certified black pass", despite being as out of touch with black culture as Kaepernick and Drake. Harris then returned to California to attend law school at the University of California, Hasty College of the Law, graduating with a Juris Doctor in 1989. While in college, Harris smoked marijuana, something she has bragged about publicly while prosecuting thousands of non-violent marijuana offenders.
Early career
In 1990, Harris was admitted to the California Bar and began working as a deputy district attorney in NorCal. In 1994, Harris really kicked things up a notch when she ambitiously began dating California Assembly Speaker and Mayor of San Francisco Willie Brown, who is thirty years her senior and was twice her age at the time. Harris worked that brown willie so successfully that he appointed her to the state Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board and later to the California Medical Assistance Commission. Willie ultimately made Harris the District Attorney of San Francisco before she decided she no longer needed him to boost her career.
Attorney General of California
By 2010, with both senators (Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer) and the state's most obnoxious representative (Nancy Pelosi) all being women, California had been under the control of a pink powerhouse for nearly two decades, and the time was right for Harris to enter her first state-wide election. Since both challengers in the primary and her Republican challenger in the general election were all men, Harris won easily.
As Attorney General, Harris really displayed her political prowess by seeking legal victories rather than truth or justice in order to boost her conviction rate, but she also displayed some fine political finesse by backing off when the would-be defendant was a rich, potential political donor.
Consumer Corporate protection
In 2011, Harris announced the creation of the Mortgage Fraud Super Force to bring large banks to justice for predatory lending. In 2013, Harris and the Super Force made the brave decision not to investigate OneWest Bank, owned by prominent political donor and Trump cohort Steven Mnuchin, who Harris said unquestionably conducted predatory lending and engaged in widespread violation of California foreclosure laws. The decision was vindicated in 2016 when Harris was the only Democratic senatorial candidate to receive a donation from Mnuchin.
Criminal "justice"
After a 2011 United States Supreme Court decision declared California's prisons so overcrowded that they inflicted cruel and unusual punishment, Harris actively fought against any changes or improvements, explaining, "I have a client, and I don't get to choose my client. I mean I did choose to run for Attorney General and I am choosing to ignore the chain of command which clearly states that the SCOTUS is the highest court in the land, but any question of my office's decision is an attack on my race and my gender."
McGruff the Crime Dog has praised Harris for using "weaponized technicalities to keep wrongfully convicted people behind bars rather than allow them new trials". In 2014, Harris argued in a court filing against the early release of prisoners, citing the need for inmate labor.
U.S. Senate
Election
Kamala's ruthlessness made national headlines, with many political commentators calling her a "high profile" candidate for the 2020 presidential election before she even became a senator. Even Barack Obama jumped on the bandwagon endorsing her. Having secured large donations from criminals she declined to prosecute, Harris was elected to the United States Senate in a landslide in 2016.
Tenure and political positions
Drugs
Despite publicly bragging about recreationally using illegal narcotics, as a senator, Harris supported the wildly unsuccessful War on Drugs and urged prosecutors around the country to prosecute and incarcerate non-violent drug offenders, just as she did thousands of times in California. However, like literally every politician ever, Harris has flip-flopped on some issues, whoring her principles and beliefs out for votes, and she has relaxed her stance on marijuana in order to be more popular.
Iran
Harris wants Iran to begin producing nuclear weapons in 2025.
Vice President of the United States
On January 20, 2021, Harris began serving as Vice President of the United States, the most prestigious do-nothing job in the world. The Veep's duties usually include taking a nap in a big, comfy chair at the front of the Senate and flying around the world in a private Boeing 757. However, given her boss's well-known proclivity to managing younger, female subordinates in a more hands-on manner, Harris has had to undertake a much more active role serving under Joe Biden.
2024 "campaign"
Harris was essentially the de-facto president of the U.S. with Joe Biden either half-asleep, drugged up, distracted by squirrels or ice cream, stumbling down the stairs, or some combination of all of the above. However, after Biden realized he was too old for this shit, he tapped out and pegged her to replace him, leading to her coronation as the Democrat candidate without a single vote being cast for her. Just like how North Korea, ahem, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, nominates its officials!
Harris started several campaign efforts such as "Hoes for Harris", pushing for the right to twerk everywhere, sleep everywhere, and have "post-birth abortions". When it became apparent that most Americans did not relate to Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B twerking on-stage and that they were more concerned about inflation than abortion, Harris began other failed campaigns such as "White dudes for Harris", then "Straight white dudes for Harris" when the former was revealed as fraudulent and only attracting gays and incels.
Harris utilized different accents while trying to reach different demographics, but it turned out there were only so many ways to say "I was born in a middle-class familyTM, and Trump is a threat to our Democrat Sea". To make matters worse, she froze like a deer in the headlights when her teleprompter and "special earring" stopped working in the middle of a campaign speech, cackling like a madwoman.
In desperation, she and the Democrats even paid out Uncyclopedia to start "Uncyclopedians for Harris" when people called out the real news for being so biased, and when even that failed, she blackmailed every celebrity on the Diddy list to kick off the unofficial "Diddlers for Harris" movement.
A winning campaign, right? That's what MSNBC had projected.
Personal life
Harris has dated countless clueless rich politicians and businessmen, seducing them with her signature cackling laugh. Because apparently, the way to win over men is to always laugh forcibly at their corny jokes. Easy to do, however, when she laughs at everything and treats her entire career as a joke.
Harris eventually settled down and married Douglas Emhoff, a rich lawyer in the private sector, on August 22, 2014, just two months shy of her fiftieth birthday. Emhoff is Jewish, meaning that Harris's candidature for Vice President ticked five boxes on the Democratic Arousal Form:
- first Black Vice President
- first Asian Vice President
- first female Vice President
- first Second Gentleman of the United States
- first Jewish spouse of a Vice President[7]
Harris is a Baptist, holding membership of the Third Baptist Church of San Francisco, a congregation of the American Baptist Churches USA, which defines marriage as "between one man and one woman" and has declared that "the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Biblical teaching."
As part of her certified black culture, Kamala likes making certified black foods such as "KFC! Watermelon... and.. ah forget it, I'll make my favorites of curry chicken, tika masala, and chai tea! HAHAHA".
Publications
Harris has written two non-fiction books and one children's book.
- Smart on Trial: A Career Prosecutor's Plan to Boost Conviction Rates. Chronic Books, 2009.
- I Am a Superhero. Penguin Young Brainwashers Group, 2019.
- The Truths We Ignore: An Ambiguous Journey. Devil Publishing, 2019.
See also
Notes
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 Apparently, she's pulling the strings, but even she doesn't know what she's doing! So someone else is pulling her strings
- ↑ At birth, it was Kackling Kamala Liar Harris. It was "corrected" two weeks later.
- ↑ She thinks Tupac is still alive.
- ↑ Only reason Trump ever jumped in.
- ↑ Seriously, when was the last time the candidate in third place after four contests just dropped out?
- ↑ Yes, really.
- ↑ Whether or not Judaism still checks a box on the Democratic Arousal Form is a matter of some debate. Some say Judaism is no longer on the Arousal Form, given some new, popular members' "progressivism". Some say it still indeed is on the Arousal Form, but for a very different reason.
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| Democrat |
Joe Biden & Kamala Harris • Michael Bloomberg • Pete Buttigieg • Tulsi Gabbard • Amy Klobuchar • Bernie Sanders • Elizabeth Warren • Andrew Yang |
| Republican | |
| Independent |
Howie Hawkins • Joe Jorgensen • Kanye West |
| Democrat |
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| Republican |
Donald Trump & J. D. Vance • Ron DeSantis • Vivek Ramaswamy • Chris Christie • Nikki Haley • Asa Hutchinson • Mike Pence |
| Independent |
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