UnNews:UnNews endorses Kamala Harris so the real news doesn't have to

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This editorial is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-moron misinformation. You can bloody well piss off if you don't like it!

THE MANAGEMENT

Saturday, October 26, 2024


T

here are eleven more days until the United States presidential election, the most important of our lifetimes since the last presidential election. And it's important for major public and cultural figures and organizations to make their endorsements and/or be forever-canceled pariahs. And in these dire times there's no excuse for staying silent... Los Angeles Times. UnNews has officially chosen its president.

Kamala Harris laugh.jpg
Kamala Harris.

I know what you're thinking. If Trump loses you'll have nothing to bitch about anymore. But Trump is suffering from severe Dementia. He's rambling about sharks, eels, electricity, Hannibal Lecter, and Arnold Palmer's dick. He's refusing to raise the minimum wage, and then has the audacity to work at McDonald's for a day, humiliating McDonald's, the fast food industry, the Republican Party, America and himself. Do you really want a president who's a walking SpongeBob SquarePants "How do we tell him?" meme?

Oh, and one more thing I forgot to mention. This probably won't be a big deal, but I'm not comfortable with having a literal Hitler-praising fascist as my president, and you probably aren't either. Maybe it's just me.

Kamala Harris is looking out for the middle class, fighting to raise minimum wage, fighting for abortion, welcoming immigrants into our country with (reasonably) open arms, carrying open arms of her own, fighting for women, veterans, the elderly, children, education. Meanwhile Trump belittles the middle class and minimum wage, supports abortion when it's his baby with Stormy, tells immigrants to "go back to where [they] came from," tells Putin to "do whatever the hell you want," fights women with his arms crossed, gropes them, insults the elderly, acts like a child, and doesn't need no education. (That's a double negative, by the way.)

Meanwhile Tim Walz throws his kids birthday parties at the grocery store using $50 coupons, and plays "gotcher nose." He's literally been a union teacher and a coach. Like Craig T. Nelson. Like Gene Hackman in Hoosiers. A teacher like Mr. Kotter, Mr. Feeny, Mr. Clarke, or Robin Williams in The Dead Poets Society. JD Vance probably hates teachers and coaches, but hey his grandma is Glenn Close, so he's got that much going for him.

I wanted to put the media on blast for bullying Joe Biden, ultimately forcing him to drop out of the race. But things got so out of control. This on top of (check notes), holy fuck, three Trump assassination attempts? These guys have worse aim than a fucking Stormtrooper! A literal actor had better aim! Tenacious D almost broke up, you bastards! On a serious note, political violence is not cool. Period. Have you learned nothing from Julius Caesar? The Roman Empire replaced the Roman Republic, and even that collapsed.

Also the media's reluctance or outright refusal to admit that Trump has dementia. There are people in nursing homes who would make better presidents. I was ridin' with Biden every day from when he entered the 2020 race to when he dropped out of this race in July. Yes, his debate bombed like Super Mario Bros. (1993), but give the guy a damn break! He had a head cold. I would've been out of it too, and I'm roughly 46 percent his age.

I also wanted to tell the pro-Palestine crowd to shut the fuck up and quit cry-babying over everybody! You're worse than Bernie Bros back in 2016. Nobody's supporting genocide!

And Black guys hesitant to vote for Kamala Harris? Like Oprah Winfrey's theme song used to go, "Get with the program!" What's your problem? Everyone will be fine under Kamala. She has a big ol' Glock, just like you do. She smokes blunts just like you do. She listens to Snoop Dogg just like you do.

Don't blow this for us, America.

And as for CO-04, we proudly endorse Trisha Calvarese over Lauren Boebert. She has great policies, plus she's the candidate I'd rather see Beetlejuice with.

Sources[edit | edit source]

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