UnNews:Trump just won, so here's a special HowTo about dealing with the hard times that are coming

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Thursday, November 7, 2024

"This is what my land came to?"

Democrats right now, colorized 2024

In what is the fifth, sixth? presidential article we've made (tumultuous times?) we have finally sorted through the chaos and gotten news that President Trump has officially won. No, not Sleepy Joe being carried by sleepwalkers writing him in, nor some walking meme of a professional athlete, nor Kamala Harris getting a last-minute assist of 20 million additional votes. The Donald has won another term, like it or not. The leadership at UnNews, which had fully jumped on the Kamala bandwagon and bet their entire life savings and souls ($5, to say the least) on her victory, have finally begun to near the "acceptance" stage of the grieving process.

Now, no disrespect to our conservative, right-leaning, Republican readers and writers, you do you and enjoy seasoning your Trump Fries with liberal tears, but to all the bra-burners, radical left queer Mexican-Irish women who just so happen to be here, here's a step-by-step special "HowTo" about dealing with the new Trump dicta- I mean, presidency.

• Step 1 - The easiest way is to jump the border to Canada.

This one is easy. Do it just like those guys out in the south. Although these Americans have gotten craftier, who gives a shit? Just ram a Ford F-150 into the Canadian border, specifically in the northwest towards Vancouver, since guess what, no one will care! Like, literally, no one will care. We're on good terms with our more liberal friends, and if you REALLY hate Trump, you might as well just go up. If you're a chicken and really don't want to...

• Step 2 - Take a plane.

Forget about how the economy was the most voted problem this election, it's not like we're having a Great Depression. Remember, they didn't vote Hoover twice. If you have at least 200 dollars (if not there's probably some ad in the newspaper, what, you don't have that either? Wow, you are poor), you can probably take a trip to Yellowknife before you can even say "sore-ree". If for some reason Dudley Do-Right has captured you, you can always just...

• Step 3 - Become a world-renowned philosopher (and maybe change people's minds).

You don't see Einstein appear on Jimmy Fallon anymore, and that's because no one has ever stepped up to the task. In reality, all the greatest inventors today are really just people who take credit for overworked inventors (gee my leftist tongue just spits against capitalism). If your powerful hypnotism Freud powers lock in after you get your PHD from Princeton, you can probably control the senate 2 years before this. If your philosophies get filed with all the junk on Twitter, you can always just shout louder by...

• Step 4 - Put out crazy conspiracy theories and rile the Democrats with you to make another Jan. 6.

I'm so tired of our enemies being the conspiracy-ridden people. It's time for us to make our own QAnon. We already have the theory of 20 million uncounted votes, so you better believe you have to dig that into the ground. Obviously we're not going to take over the Capitol or something (that's already been done, maybe Supreme Court building, write this down, write this down), but you can definitely make rallies and stuff like that, whatever those minorities were doing all over 2020. If this is too real for you, you can always...

• Step 5 - Kill yourself

Well, if politics are driving you this stark raving mad, there's one for this already. If you are really not good with this comedic thing, you can always...

• Step 6 - Don't be THAT scared.

Now, this is not some secret psyop to get you to go Republican. In reality, you have to realize that if you're really a true American, you will make your voice heard. Trust me, we do it every year in the Middle East. Organize, organize, organize. From big to small. (Really, you democrats really do suck at this leading thing.) Also, forget that I sidetracked a little with the steps. Who really cares logic in these things, anyway?

• Step 7 - Move to a parallel universe where Kamala wins.

So I have no fucking clue on how to do this, but all I know is you gotta warp the space time continuum or whatever, and do some of that Avengers Tony Stark shit and snap to a different universe with an alternate timeline where Kamala wins the election. This is a last resort, and should only be done if all else fails.

• Anything else?

...Oh by the way, I have to legally say that number four is satire. I really don't want to be broken in, maybe the FBI actually likes this website...

...

Who am I kidding, not at all.