UnNews:Trump and Harris's contentious play date, September 10, 2024 (full transcript)
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA -- September 10, 2024
DAVID MUIR: Hello America, and welcome to our very own televised playdate- err.. debate between presidential candidates Donald Trump and Kamala Harris! I'm ABC News host David Muir.
LINSEY DAVIS: And I'm ABC News host Linsey Davis. Now let's see if our presidential candidates will come out to play!
DONALD TRUMP:
Already here.
DAVIS: Here a little early, aren't you, you saucy, naughty boy? So here's Donald Trump, 45th president and big meanie poo, and now, let's introduce our sweet widdle pwinchess, Kamala!
KAMALA HARRIS, LOGGING IN VIA ZOOM: Hai everybody!! Just literally woke up and I totally forgot to do my makeup. HAHAHA
TRUMP: Aw come on, she gets to come in remotely?? I literally had to fly in all the way from Florida with this with this horrible, horrible ankle monitor which, actually, might get removed. Shoulda known how far you fake news phonies at Gay-BC were gonna pander to her.
MUIR: Well well well, looks like lil Donnie can't handle a virtual playdate, just like he can't stand COVID distancing. KAMALA! Donny wants to play with you downstairs.
HARRIS: Aww, really? But I don't wanna leave my room. Also Donnie's spray tan smells funny.
MUIR: Kammie, be a good girl and play with Donald. He's not that scary.
HARRIS, SIGHING: Okay! [logs out]
TRUMP: Jesus, what the hell is this little girl act she's putting on? And why the hell are you two babying the crap out of her?
Door slams open
HARRIS:
HAI everybody! Like my new dress suit?
MUIR & DAVIS: Wooooooow! You look so presidential! And edgy!
TRUMP, SQUINTING: That's not a dress, she's just wearing a blazer and no pants! Literally! That's just a blazer. Melania has better fashion sense than that. Any decent grown-ass woman has better fashion sense than that. Also, I thought Kamala doesn't even wear skirt suits!
MUIR: Now Donald, let's not slut-shame Kamala here. Women can wear their skirts however short they want and even show their panties! Go chop your own dick off instead.
HARRIS, LOOKING DOWN:
Oh, whoopsie, I guess I only did wear my blazer! That would make a really short dress. Be right back with some pants! HAHAHA [slams door]
TRUMP: Oh jeez Louise, can we get to the actual debate already? Can't wait to destroy Harris's record.
DAVIS, MUTTERING: Well, not a great start, let's just hope Kamala plays her part.. Well, let's ask Donnie some hard questions first! How did it feel to finally get a spitball shot at you? Bully!
TRUMP:
You're kidding, I got my ear shot off by some moron! Probably due to all the fake news you've been pushing against me-
MUIR And why do you want to ban abortions and gay sex and cross dressing!? And why won't you let men play with women in women's sports?
TRUMP: What?? I didn't wanna ban that stuff, people can do whatever they want, just don't push it in everyone's face-
DAVIS: Um, I'm pretty sure you said that you wanted to ban it!
Harris walks back in with a forced "he's weird" face. And having remembered to wear the pants for her pants suit but forgotten to zip her fly. Good thing the debate rules allowed for podiums..
TRUMP: Aw come on, somebody poisoned the water that time in my own house, I didn't say totally ban gay sex and abortion! I literally shat my pants and wasn't feeling well! And I say shit all the time, but that time I was really saying shit while losing my shit but ANYWAYS I've always said leave it to the states, you don't wanna piss of those conservatives down in big Texas, don't ya? And anyways, milyons and milyons of Americans are tired of men pretending to be women and entering women's bathrooms, women's sports, hell, illegal criminals doing this stuff and eating your dogs and cats! Hell, protecting women better will prevent all those rapes from happening so women wouldn't need abortions in the first place!
HARRIS, SPEAKING SLOWLY: But then there won't be as many abortions! And we want more abortions!
TRUMP: There, she said it! Almost as if there's a hidden agenda behind-
DAVIS: So you're in favor of rape?
TRUMP: ..what?? NO! I said we need to protect women better by not having creeps and illegally immigrated criminals in their bathrooms. Can we talk about the border, manufacturing, and those stupid wars Old Man Joe and Commie Kamala allowed in Russia, Ukraine, Israel, and Palestine? And also inflation? It's been a disaster!
HARRIS, SPEAKING SLOWLY: Well, I'm not Joe Biden and I'm certainly not Donald Trump! But I have a plan! Heheh, it's a.. plan! And Donnie's just gonna keep being mean and ban free speech on social media and increasing inflation and keep endless wars going on! It's all your fault Joey and I did a bad job! You did all the wars! We're going to concoct a opportunity economy by making jobs cool again by implementing the algorithms and prodding on scalable startup ventures and AI! And price gouging! And we're going to give free jobs to everyone, even the immigrants we're allowing, except straight white men! We're going to support families, but only if they don't have straight white men!
Davis facepalms at Kamala exposing her blatant wokeness, while Muir motions her to cut back
HARRIS: Err, I mean I'm not going to do that! I'm just going to keep continuing Joe Biden's ideas because Bidenomics totally works... wait no, I mean, yeah, I'll figure something out to make my Opportunity Economy work! And in a moderate, non-woke way! HUHHEHAHAHAHAHA Trumpy here, on the other hand, is only a meanie poo!
TRUMP, LOOKING BEWILDERED AT THE CAMERA: You for real? I had the best economy ever! And you ruined it all! Prices were low under me, inflation and unemployment were low under me until of course, Winnie the Pooh gave us that stupid virus, and if you had all the good ideas and are basically pulling Sleepy Joe's strings, why aren't you doing anything about it?
HARRIS, ABOUT TO CRY: Davie, Linsey, Donnie's being mean again! He keeps reminding me of the bad stuff I did with Joey!
DAVIS: Donnie! Did you see what you did to Kamala? You made her cry! You always make women cry! And that's why you were a bad, bad president!
TRUMP: Hah, like a fully-grown adult is supposed to be a great commander in chief while acting like an entitled little girl getting her hand held all the time?
MUIR: Donald, say you're sorry to Kamala. Or else we're going to have the current president send the DOJ after you, RFK Jr, and Tulsi Gabbard again, and for stupider things this time!
TRUMP, STORMING OFF:
THAT'S IT! I'm tired of this "play date", I'm going home. I wanna fair debate with Fox News! Hell, even Fake News Jake, Ditzy Dana, and CNN did a better job hosting!
MUIR: Yeah, that'll show him, and that's why you should vote for Kammie for president! Best debate ever!
HARRIS: I love you guys at ABC, you're my bestest friends in the whole world!
Muir, Davis, and Harris jump up and high-five each other with beaming smiles, freeze frame and fade out
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "ABC News steps into the spotlight with high stakes Trump-Harris debate" CNN, September 10, 2024
- "Social media erupts over 'repulsive' Trump-Harris presidential debate: 'Phony and rehearsed'" Fox News, September 11, 2024