Admins
“Myself and three other people under the influence of POWERFUL psychostimulants had fun with that plushy, yellow fucking dinosaur, why'd you delete it?”
– 65.25.91.229 on the unfairness of admin actions
“Articles about you, your friends, or your teachers etc. WILL BE DELETED BITCH SO DON'T MAKE THEM. Oh and remember when we said you can't make an article about yourself? Actually you can. Trololol.”
– Admins of Uncyclopedia on their rules
"Admins" is a word. More than a word, really, it's a state of mind. It's also a contraction of another word, administrators.
Admins are the police in a crime-riddled Uncyclopedia; the only sane minds in a world gone mad. They're the shotgun blast to the zombie skull of comical pages which they do not understand.
They're just like the rest of us, but better (at least they think so). They have a modicum of power. Like mall cops. Except mall cops aren't douches.
In short, they're exactly like mall cops. Mall cops and pastrami.
History
Origin
The black art of the humble admin originated way back with Pope Eugene III. As a Pope saddled with a nerdy name,[1] Eugene felt the need to (as all those who have an incomprehensively amount of power inevitably do) get more power and spread peace and love by crushing all those who opposed him. He did this by issuing a Papal Bull in 1145 that stated something in Latin. As even back in times of yore no one could read Latin, his people decided he'd meant the Bull to be for the creation of another level of bureaucracy. They also tacked on a rider starting the The Second Crusade. But that's another article (or, if it hasn't been created yet, that's not another article). And they also started this sort of peace and love But that's also another article.
In this case the Bull led to the creation of His Most Holy Defenders of a Series of Interconnected Tubes, Though Truly Not of the Tubes Themselves But of the Traffic That Passes Through Those Very Tubes.[2]
The title sounds better in Latin. It sounds a bit like "admin", in fact.[3]
Administratorés Gone Wild!
These newly created Administratorés quickly found that there was nothing for them to do, as the Interweb had not yet been invented.
Instead, half took up music and joined the local choir. They weren't told about the necessary "snip" before joining the Castadministrasti. Eugene had a good laugh about that one.
The other half went along on the Second Crusade, where they were pants'd by friend and foe alike.
Returning pantsless to France,[4] the admins found a new calling: paperwork! Complete with mailboxes, addresses and lost packets, paperwork was the Internet of its day.
Quickly they grew mad[5] with their newfound power, as those over which they ruled were, unlike Crusaders and infidels, powerless to pants the recently repants'd Administratorés. This was because they, the admins, were paper-pushers ruling over other, not-admin, paper-pushers and pushers of paper are notoriously weak, unless they're admins. Admins, while notorious and weak, are rarely both simultaneously.
Time passes, yada, yada, yada, more Crusades, yada, yada, yada, "Nobody expects the Inquisition!", Cabal, yada, yada, yada, the internet...
Admins in Modern Times
“Stupid vandal! You go squish now!”
– Administrators' obligatory Simpsons reference on vandals
With the relative collapse of Papal and Papal-decreed power, the admins and their mad lust for power languished until the invention and promulgation of the one-two punch of computers and the internet.
Admins, like the Papacy, evolved to cope with changing times. They, like organized religion in general and organized generals of religion, have changed to evolve with coping times.
Their numbers and power have exploded along with the explosion of tubes, and they have risen to the top of the cream, as persons in their position are wont to do.[6]
In modern times on Uncyclopedia they make the tough choices, choosing which articles have always been crap, are crap now and will continue to be crap in the future, and are to be huffed without mercy (This page does not exist), and which are to be both heralded as genius and worshipped as false idols (Fisher Price).
It's a tough job. They have to put up with questions from people who, for some reason, don't know everything, questions from people who need answers to the questions they are asking, and questions about the logic behind the deletion of a user's shitty two-line article.
Luckily for the users, admins are looking out for Uncyclopedia's best interests.
...and there's nothing you can do about it. Unless you join the cabal[7]
Wiki Adminis
“Look. The people you are after are the people you depend on. We check your spelling. We huff your trash. We redirect to your article, we format your text. We even guard your articles while you sleep. Do not fuck with us”
“You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson. You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously you are mistaken. This wiki is one of the most totally awesome wikis on the Internet because every single editor understands that they are part of a whole. Thus if an editor has a problem, the wiki administrators have a problem. The time has come to make a choice, Mr. Anderson. Either you choose to respect the wiki administrators from this day forth or you choose to find yourself another site. Do I make myself clear?”
– Mr. Rhineheart (from The Matrix) on Wiki Administrators
“'You have been blocked for a personal attack against the Marquis of Queensbury?' WTF?!”
– Oscar Wilde on Admins
Wiki Admins are bastards the kindest most benevolent people on the interwebs. Unlike real-life professionals, Wiki admins actually don't give a shit care about each individual moron user, and try their damndest best to make sure everyone is pissed off gets along and is frustrated angered by satisfied with their results. Their amazingly inaccurate 100% perfect track record should be an example to God to smite them where they stand the Powers That Be everywhere.
Attributes
- Encouragement: Wiki Administrators spend much of their time helping make sure there are no embarrassing red links anywhere on their sites by encouraging users to contribute whenever and wherever they see any. This results in lots of really good articles evolving over time from stubs created by random people who just clicked on the red links and typed in only a sentence or two.
- 'Helpfulness: Wiki admins are known for being
cruelhelpful to n00bs and h@xx0r$ alike. They not only helpfuck things upfix stuff, but they also show people how to do it themselves. Any time there's a n00b in trouble, an admin isneversometimesusuallyalways right there tomake things worsesave the day!
- Neutral:
The Thought PoliceWiki Adminis are da bomb when it comes to NPOV issues. Theirhomosexualityobjectivity is unquestioned, and theirstupiditygaynessrecord-breaking moronic decisionswisdom and insight on all matters is matched only by theirmind-numbingly idioticbrilliantly uncluttered perspective of events.
- Fun-Loving: Wiki admins
are the Fun Policejust love having fun (with granpa on backyard) and want everyone else to have as much fun as possible on their sites. They often get togetherand masturbateand ban innocent people for no reasonfor a nice circle jerkfor a nice game ofstrip pokerUncyclopoly.
- Democratic: Wiki admins do everything
like Hitlerlike a four-year old childthat seemed right at the timedrunk and in their underweardemocratically. From how articles are deleted to what constitutes a good article and beyond, theyusuallynever take their nations to war without first consulting withthe Magic 8 Balla psychicGeorge ClooneyThe Oraclethe UN. Since they all have a 100% perfect track record ever since Jimbo Wales (the firstprotozoawiki admin ever), people don't even need to vote anymore because wiki administrators are so in-tune with their communities that they already know howto partyto fuck things upto make a bomb from instructions they found on the Internetbabies are madeto read mindsany such votes will turn out. This uncanny ability to predict poll results have effectively made voting on Wiki discussion pages ajokething of the past, and asunbelievably fucking stupidremarkably accurate as the famously precise counting of votes in Cuba and Florida.
Specific wikis
- Wikipedia: Wikipedia administrators are known for
jealously guardingfucking upprotecting the existence of new updated content and forreverting perfectly good editsactually trying to makeWikipedia a laughing stock on the Internettheir site better;a hopelessly futile task.
- Uncyclopedia: Unfortunately, many Uncyclopedia administrators died in a recent
suspicious firehail of gunfirecar bombingfamine after their flammable crops burnt up, this sparked the first Wikirebellion in 2007, as Uncyclopedia Administrators arethe only admins anyone cares aboutevil. Generally, this results in acoupappearance on Larry KingStock Market crashday off from worktrip to the zoohigher statistical likelihood of having three kids named Bob.
Before his death, Elvis, using a complex algorithm, started a radical movement to save the mooses, and said "Sup, dawg?". Unfotunately, several of them overdosed on codeine, and promptly fell to the floor with a loud "Splak!" sound... rcmurphyspintherismpantsmackenzietompkinskeiteibradaphraserspanghinoamhaille!
Notes
- ↑ Not a cool name like Gregory or Alexander. Those guys were knee deep in pussy while poor Eugene had to do without. Pussy, we mean. Not knees. Of those he had plenty. Well not plenty per se, he had two knees. That is to say just as many as Gregory and Alexander. Who had two. Knees. Each. Got any aspirin?
- ↑ The fully-full title was His Most Holy Defenders of a Series of Interconnected Tubes, Though Truly Not of the Tubes Themselves But of the Users That Produce the Traffic That Passes Through Those Very Tubes and of the Cleaning and Clearing of the Garbage That a Small Percentage of Those Users Generate. In Latin that's a real mouthful. Of Latin.
- ↑ No, not in fact. The opposite of that, in fact.
- ↑ Pope Eugene was kicked out of Rome for being too nerdy and had to rule from France. The indignities and rich pastries that he suffered while there are truly the stuff of legend.
- ↑ Mad!
- ↑ Sadly, somebody forgot to put the cream back in the fridge when they were done with it. An admin, probably.
- ↑ There is, of course, no cabal. The Adminatti, on the other hand...
