A story built one paragraph at a time
Sorry, Alula, you may not add more text to the story at this time. Everyone else has this story's permission to add text at this time.
I've seen that after the populartity of A story built one letter at a time, the articles A story built one word at a time and A story built one sentence at a time have been created. So I said, "fuck it", and created A story built one paragraph at a time.
Rules![edit | edit source]
- No writing two paragraphs in a row. A paragraphs is anything that has a full stop (a period) after it.
- No reverting or deleting what other people do unless they themselves broke a rule and you are fixing it.
- No adding random banana sentences. The story must penis make sense chicken if you read through butt it.
- No paragraphs longer than 6,278,646 sentences. Seriously, someone must be dedicated if they make a 6,278,646-sentence-long paragraph.
- Have fun!
- Last person to edit wins!!
Story[edit | edit source]
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of comedy, it was boring as fuck. I've been trying to sleep for what it seemed like thousands hours, yet it seems I can't get fucking sleep. It seems the god of dreams won't let me have it my way tonight. However, I won't let him win this time, I'm sure of that.
I always tried to think of new jokes, but it never worked. It just never worked. I racked my brain, I nearly destroyed my brain, I tried absolutely everything that I could try. All I did was bring myself to insanity trying to put together a little humor. And I totally failed, my life was derailed, I was for sure off-the-trailed, insanity prevailed, you were recently jailed, your sister got railed, and oh boy she wailed.
So your sister said "hey", and from that point I knew that she was gay. So i gave her a hug, then drank coffee from a mug, then found a small bug. She started petting it carefully, and this caused me to go into a trance and break my rhyme. Whoops! While she was petting the little insect i saw a mysterious figure walk towards me. Said figure turned out to be John. And he was wearing moccasins. Of course he was.
And oh, looky here! That is quite a moccasin! I clogged ol' John's door up, so he'll never lock us in! And if he can't do that, he still might just knock us in. Worry not, for this house, it's a place to play Blokus in. Blokus? It's been ages. You'll now have to talk us in. But oh, thank God that I've now seen the
moccasin.[edit | edit source]
“This really Ojais John's moccasins”
We're interrupting this article to bring you our newest and greatest product: Finland! With astonishing living standards, a functioning welfare system, great public services and infrastructure, we would LOVE to see you, a proven individual with a lot of passion for things like cakes, bathtubs, rifles and neurotoxins! We do recognize that you may not have had the best education for anything like that if you're seeing this ad, but don't worry, we've got you covered! You can go learn all these things at our free high-quality public schools (just ignore the abnormally high amount of school shootings). So what are you waiting for? Move to Finland today!
Täässä OPOSSUM:en sanaita, yksi ja puoli vuotta sitten, hän yrrittäi oppia puhua suomen kieltä, koska näki paljon asioita suomeksi nettissä, ja suomalainen meni OPOSSUM:en koulussa. hän puhuu nykyään huonosti tätä outoa kieltä. Hän ei miettä että hän oppe puhua suomen kielen hyvin sen koossa elämässa. OPOSSUM onoikeasti kaukana sujuvaa puhuusta.
Continuation of the story[edit | edit source]
John suddenly gets attacked and knocked out by a group of mobsters wearing a quite familiar type of shoes, rendering him unconscious. When he wakes up, this is what he hears:
“Hello John. I see you have finally woken up. Good. That was taking quite a while. My guys are very effective in their missions. Maybe a bit too effective. Regardless, you are now here, you are queer, and your mind is hopefully clear.
So, we’re gonna play a little game together, just you and I. See that chess board over there. I want you to play chess with me. But you see, there’s a caveat to this. You’re playing against Martin from chess.com. Doesn’t sound so difficult, right? Well here’s the thing, we’ve superpowered him to become as good as Magnus Carlsen. You must win a game against our Martin without any blunders and you need to take at least five opposing pieces with En Passant. If you don’t manage to do that we will brick your pipi and write out the entire comment chain letter for letter, and you have to watch it each time you lose. OR you can choose to murder Alula. What will it be, John? Do you choose the path of suffering or the path of jail?”
John didn't have a tought time choosing his path, it was quite easy to decide: He was goint to murder Alula. It's not that John was a psycho, nor was he scared of losing against a bot in a chess match; he simply knew it was the correct choice. After all, it was Alula's fault that John's account got banned from Uncyclopedia the other day, which meant that if he successfully wiped Alula out of the planet's surface, he could take over Alula's account and personally unban himself. There were probably other less illegal ways to do so, but it's not like John was going to let this opportunity to murder Alula slip away.
All of a sudden, just as Alula got away, a wild OPOSSUM appeared out of nowhere and bared his teeth at John. Then he leapt at John and screeched the following horrifying phrase, "ɬatwa pi məkʰmək əx̣, kʰamuksh" (Klattawa pe muckamuck ugh, kamooks), which means "go eat shit fuckers" in the Chinook gibberish that was previously used by Nickelback in his version of "Baby" by Pippi Pappi. Then DaniPine3 punched a hole out of John's boxy CRT computer screen and crawled out of it, using his special cyber-portal. John was then transformed into a chess bishop and pulled into chess.com. John then proceeded to break his digital confinement and use a secret move hidden within chess.com's code, unleashing a deadly shockwave that caused power outages for the whole town. Even Knife Guy was horrified. The OPOSSUM then ran away to his hollow in a tree, so that he could plot his next attempt (and failure) at destroying Uncyclopedia.
OPOSSUMs new plan that was cooked up within about 40 seconds[edit | edit source]
As OPOSSUM was hiding in his tree, he saw Alula running after John, eager to ban him from life. This made OPOSSUM assume that Alula was stupid, so he decided to set up part 1 of his new plan: Make an unbreakable statue painted to look like John. Then he directed Alula's attention to the statue, assuming that they would immediately try destroying it. Unfortunately, Alula was smarter than OPOSSUM thought, and decided to ban OPOSSUM from life instead.
Uprising and Extermination of the OPOSSUM Zombies[edit | edit source]
Obviously, OPOSSUM was now dead. He then called together the soul of every fellow dead OPOSSUM he could find to create an army of zombie marsupials. Suddenly thousands upon thousands of OPOSSUMs rose from the ground, carrying a disease that transforms anyone who comes into contact with an OPOSSUM into an Aracuan Bird. The Aracuan Birds themselves carried a disease that transformed anyone who came into contact with them into an OPOSSUM. Thus an army of OPOSSUMs and Aracuans took the entire world by storm in a few restless days and nights, with only one place in all the world holding off from the army, North Korea, of course. The OPOSSUMs and Aracuans, realizing with their barely functioning brains that they had no one to fight but each other, then turned against each other. Obviously, the Aracuans won. Kim Jong-Un didn't give a shit about the army of OPOSSUMs and Aracuans, but he was glad that Grouchomarxism-Leninadism had taken the world by storm.
While John was distracted watching the bloodshed from this eternal battle between communism and capitalism, Alula took advantage of his distraction by stabbing him with a knife. Sadly for Alula, they mistook John with a manequin that John himself had fabricated to trick Alula. That would be the cue for John to jump out of his hiding spot and start stabbing Alula; sadly for him, this was also a manequin that Alula had fabricated to trick John. This would be the cue for Alula to get out of his hiding spot and stab John, which turned out to be a manequin made to trick Alula, who also tricked John with a mannequin of his own, and both OPOSSUM and John entered in an infinite loop of stupidity. The loop would cease when Alula got fed up of John's antics and starting shooting at random spots until some bullet would hit John by sheer luck.
Unfortunately for Alula his shooting was in vain. Because in the middle of the mannequinning John had replaced himself with a clone of himself, except there was a bomb inside the clone. As the timer went closer to zero, the John clone started to close in on Alula. Fortunately for Alula they hit the John clone at some point during this, causing the bomb to blow up prematurely. Inside there was a note that said "I stole these mannequins from Squaw Dee. Apologize to them for me". So Alula did exactly that, but Squaw Dee didn't hear the part that was about John stealing those mannequins, so Squaw Dee beat Alula to death with a spare moccasin. In death, Alula told Squaw Dee the part about John again, making Squaw Dee realize their mistake. Mourning the loss of Alula, Squaw Dee swore revenge on John for indirectly making them kill their friend.
Unbeknownst to Squaw Dee, they had just fallen to John's trap. By tricking Squaw Dee to kill Alula for him, not only was John successfull in pursuing his achievement; he wasn't going to jail for doing so, as all the forensic evidence pointed that it was Squaw Dee's fall. John still needed to fight Squaw Dee in an epic battle of bloodlust and vengeance, but it wasn't yet the time for that. First, John unbanned himself from Uncyclopedia using Alula's stolen laptop; then, he proceeded to return to the palace of the Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia, to tell him that the job had been done. And when the Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia, saw John's arrival; this is what the Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia, said:
“You have done well, John. Very well. I can tell you had fun fighting Alula, judging by your wide grin and splintered hands. I have another task for you now. You see, getting Squaw Dee involved can prove troublesome, because they're both very powerful and also probably seeking revenge right now. You need to kill them before they get here and does that to us. Now, i don't mind fighting Squaw Dee myself, but i'd rather do it on my own terms, and i need some stuff for that, so i'm sending you to do it before he gets me. Got it?”
The Ultimate Battle of Ultimate Destiny: Now starring John and Squaw Dee![edit | edit source]
John couldn't lie; he had a slight hope that he would be able to let this fight for later, but it seemed fate had made other plans. Alas, John had already made his move when he developed a plan to kill Alula, and now he couldn't step back. After all, it would've been either this or a match against a bot in chess, and being fair, this was way more interesting than chess. Who plays chess nowadays, anyways?
Unfortunately, while Squaw Dee didn't know how to play chess, they still brought a chess board. Then you asked "but how does that work?" (yes, you did ask that, it's not my fault you don't remember doing that), and then Squaw Dee broke the 4th wall and replied to you. The reply went something like this:
“You see, this isn't any regular chess board. This one isn't for playing chess at all, but rather for fighting. This works because the one of the edges has sharp knives built into them, and through breaking the laws of the universe i've managed to make it as light as a feather. So i essentially have a wide knife. and before you ask about the pieces, yes, they're sharp too, and yes, i brought them with me. Also they're throwable. Isn't that neat?”
This is the moment you realized of a shocking discovery: Hold on, chess-styled fighting, a villain that likes knifes, 4th wall breaks and a main character named John? This is all a big Homestuck reference!, you exclaimed, in awe. What, replied Squaw Dee,no it isn't. The fuck is a Homestuck, anyways? Alas, Squaw Dee did not have time to get that question answered, as the main character of our story known as John was already prepared for fight, and this small 4th wall-break couldn't be held much longer. The (chess) fight was about to start.
...
...
...
...yeah, it kinda isn't starting. I'm assuming one of them is waiting for the other one to make a move first. Just give it a second.
...
...
...
...ok, what the hell is happening here? You two are supposed to fight! Don't just stand there like the two weaklings you are!
“I'm sorry, what the fuck did you say right now?”
Why are you looking at me like that? FIGHT. EACH. OTHER. RIGHT. NOW.
...wait, why are you two getting closer? I don't like this... wait, put that chess board down! Someone help me! Please! AHHHHHHH-
Writer 1 was then brutally murdered by the two enemies, and soon after they resumed their so far uninteresting standoff.
“You know, chess is boring.”
“Yeah, I should've thought better this through. It sounded better in my head, at least.”
“Hey, wanna do something more interesting? I mean, one of us has to die no matter the circunstances; so at least, let's make the remaning life we have left somewhat more fun.”
“That sounds like a cool idea. What do we do, though?”
“Well, uhhhh... wanna go on a date?”
“Sure, that'd be fun.”
John and Squaw Dee then went on a date together. It went well, i think.
...oh, you want me to go into detail? Because I'm not interested in doing that. I've written enough romance recently, and this isn't interesting enough for me to bother with. Let me just write some random dumb stuff now, ok?
Ok... let's begin!
Story but better[edit | edit source]
So, during some better times, during some worse times, after the age of comedy, when it stopped being boring as fuck, I finally fell asleep, and stayed asleep for thousands of hours. The god of dreams still didn't want this, but I simply said "nah, I'd win" and continued sleeping anyway.
This story isn't about me, though. It's about a man named John. A man who had recently fell in love with Squaw Dee, despite John being the killer of their best friend. Squaw Dee didn't seem to care that much about that fact, probably because John was really good in bed. However, there was a person who did care about this relationship: Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia. John had been given the task to kill Squaw Dee and he decided to date them instead, completely betraying the Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia. Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia, full of rage and anger, decided to hire the best hitmen to finish the job that John decided to leave unfinished. Why the Great Lord Móckasiin, ruler of Moccasinia, didn't decide to do this before puting his trust in some random guy he found down the street, though, is still a mystery today.
The Great Lord Móckasiin's hitmen were sure that Squaw Dee was not hiding in any area that was reachable by road. Thus the team of hitmen undertook the journey on foot instead. Of course, they struggled to find Squaw Dee's hideout, despite the vicious bloodhounds among them. The hitmen travelled for days through acre upon acre of scorched forest. Multiple close encounters with pumas, raccoons and coyotes occured, a moose (don't ask me how it got here because they aren't typically found around this part of the world) charged at the gang, and one hitman wandered off and was bitten by a rattlesnake. Yet another hitman was mauled by a bear, but the hitmen called a helicopter and barely saved his life. The hitmen later got a signal that Squaw Dee's hiding camp had been found: his car was found parked near a rickety shack just north of where Ojai had stood before it burned down. Squaw Dee had made no efforts to hide his rusty old machine. Quickly, the hitmen called another helicopter-guy to give them a lift, but he crashed into a cliff side of a mountain because he had lied about his own piloting skills. Luckily, the hitmen had parachutes (unlike the pilot, who fell to his death.) The hitmen continued until they finally reached Squaw Dee's apparent hideout, where they ate their last rations and peered inside the shack.
There they found out that John and Squaw Dee had abandoned their hut and went somewhere else? Where could this somewhere else be? Well, the hitmen never found out, because they were all murdered by Jon Arbuckle and a gay moose that just so happened to appear of out thin air, almost as if they had been suddenly beamed here from another dimension. After this they ran to Ojai, found a multi-dimensional portal and went back home. Meanwhile, completely unaware of the fact that any of this was happening, John and Squaw Dee had went to Alula's funeral.
"You know, I kinda miss that guy", said John to his partner, "it was fun to fool him with 10,000 manequins until he was stabbed to death". Heavy rain poured over the admin's tombstone, while a soft ballade filled the ambient. "I'm sorry I had to kill him, but it was the only choice; he had banned me from Uncyclopedia and I just couldn't wait some days to be unbanned", John continued his speech. "Nah, I understand", answered Squaw Dee, "that guy was a fucking asshole and a pain in the ass. I'm glad that you tricked me into killing him for good.". "Really?", exclaimed John, with a spark in his eyes, "but- but- I thought you hated me for making you kill your friend!". "Nah, I hated you because you made me kill the guy that owed me 20 dollars", explained Squaw Dee, "but now I realise that no amount of money can compare to what I've found in you: love". Squaw Dee looked into John's eyes, and their faces started to get much and much closer, until their lips were touching. It was only matter of seconds before Squaw Dee's tongue got into John's mouth, and started to kiss passionately under the rainfall. Everyone at the funeral clapped at this demonstration of true love. Then John and Squaw Dee started having hot raw sex over Alula's tombstone, and everyone else stared in complete silence.
Great Lord Móckasiin had by this point found out where John and Squaw Dee were, and he decided to personally go and put an end to them both. But when he arrived there and saw what was going on, he decided to postpone the task for another time. Mainly because he was a cuck and this made him extremely horny. So he sat down and watched, but by then John and Squaw Dee had seen him, and they decided to quickly flee somewhere else. And so they did that without Móckasiin noticing. How that was possible is a mystery in itself. It might be because at this point everyone else at the funeral had started beating the shit out of him. Or it might be something different. Who knows.
The previous author didn't seem to have that much to say about this, only adding a picture of Móckasiin. At least we finally know what he looks like now!
Either way, John and Squaw Dee went somewhere else and resumed their business. Where did this happen? Well, i do know where, but they told me to not spoil it just in case Móckasiin or someone else is reading.
5 MONTHS LATER[edit | edit source]
John and Squaw Dee had decided to move to this very same place, living in a nice little house of a nice little town that went by the name of "You don't give a shit". To the neighbours of this town, they were simply a pair of 20-something lovers that were trying to live together for the first time in their lives; what none of these neighbours knew is that they were actually hiding from the evil claws moccasins of Great Lord Móckasiin. Squaw Dee, being undercover, had decided to change his name, now living a new life as Dave (this is their name now regadless whether Squaw Dee is a girl or a dude, btw). However, John, having a really generic name, decided to keep it. Squaw DeeDave thought this was unjust and unfair; John simply shrugged and told them to suck it.
Squaw Dee Dave and John became close friends with Selaw Obmij, the oldest of the twenty people in the pair's neighborhood. Selaw Obmij pronounced his name very strangely ("sil-LAW ub-MEE") and never wrote it down, in order to keep Dave and John from realizing that Selaw was really Jimbo Wales in disguise. Of course, Jimbo Wales is one of Great Lord Móckasiin's henchmen, and even the oblivious John was well aware of this. "Selaw" had built a secret holographic shrine to Mokkááwŝen, god of the Moccasins and the founder of Moccasinia according to legend. This shrine was located underneath Alula's grave. There he communicated with the god Mokkááwŝen and his supposed 71st great-grandson, Móckasiin, telling the two all about Dave and John's whereabouts, whatabouts, whoabouts, and all other kinds of "abouts". Dave and John often noticed that old Selaw often was nowhere to be found, but they were anything but suspicious.
Ultimately, Selaw would suspiciously just disappear one day and never returned. Like, at all. Dave and John thought this was suspicious and decided to investigate this, and they found out he was recognized by a random Wikipedia vandal on the street and subsequently beaten to death with a clarinet. Whoops!
Selaw was just another one of those useless henchmen that Móckasiin had trusted wouldn't die in stupid ways, and at this point he was fed up with all his henchmen dying before they could get the job done. So he tried hiring a professional hitman to kill Dave and John, but those were too expensive for him. He then decided to hire a hitwoman instead because hiring them cost less, but unfortunately he was massively misogynistic, leading to him getting beaten up, sending him to the hospital for a couple of months and getting him banned from hiring a hitwoman ever again. He was quite lucky to survive that, so he spent all of his remaining money on lottery tickets. He lost on every single one.
Being broke, Móckasiin started a fundraiser to get him out of poverty and into his crime business again. Unfortunately everyone hated him for both obvious and non-obvious reasons, so he only got 2 dollars out of it. He wasn't technically broke, but he still didn't have enough to fund anyone to do anything. Extra unfortunately the website he placed a fundraiser on got hacked and his identity got leaked through his credit card, revealing to the whole world that he was born in France, and as such he was permanently banned from there. Also the racism quadrupled somehow.
Now that it had been revealed that he was born in France, the people from the Great Reign of Moccasinia doubted Móckasiin's veracity as their Ruler. Further research revealed that his actual identity was Jacques Noir, a failed chef from Paris who had accidentally murdered the real ruler of Moccasinia with an overcooked muffin, and overtook his throne so that no one would knew of his crime. Angered by this revelation, the people from the Great Reign of Moccasinia revolted against who they once thought was their king, and kicked the so-called Móckasiin out of their kingdom. This was the last straw for Móckasiin: John and Dave had incurred his wrath, and they were going to pay with their blood. Also, his racism had now quadru-quadrupled (octopled? octoqupled????? octocuapled????????)
I have no idea what to put here. So. Hello, how was your day? - 1
Well, i woke up at the Bosnia Universe today, which was kinda weird. Then i got teleported to a universe where Jon Arbuckle and some sort of goth version of Garfield were lovers. After exploring that place i learnt of Knife Girl and her wild journey through sentence-land. Then the world was apparently corrupting, so i saved Knife Girl and brought her here. Then she stabbed me, gave me a hug and immediately fled, so now she's part of the story apparently. - 2
Yesterday I asked the Great God Mokkááwŝen, the supposed 71st great grandfather of Great Lord Móckasiin, about when Guiteau would be resurrected in Sentence-land. He had told me that Guiteau would come back on April 21st, but he still hasn't come back. I'm starting to think that Great God Mokkááwŝen is a fraud. I mean, why would you trust him? I don't know, maybe Mokkááwŝen just can't trust mere mortals with the truth. I'm still incredibly disappointed that Guiteau isn't alive in any universe as of this moment. - 3
But I know I can make him come back. I just know it, it' s been my destiny all this time. If I could, if I could just... John then woke up in a cold sweat. He had been having weird dreams lately, and the dreams didn't stop getting weirder and weirder. He didn't understand what they meant, yet he noticed a recurring theme in them:all featured a strange entity known as the Great God Mokkááwŝen. Was this an omnibenevolent god, who would help them with the powers of moccasins? Or was it an evil god, who would try to destroy them just because ha can? John had no idea. John then looked at his left, and saw Dave's sleeping face. At this sight, John 's thoughts stopped, and became calm again. He didn' t know what life would bring him, but as long as Dave was by his side, John would be happy.
Well, anyway, a little while back in the Sentence Universe, Guiteau has came back, disguised as Knife Guy. He apparently said, "I know I'm a day late, but screw it! Time to put James A. Garfield out of his misery! Wait, he's dead? I'll kill his ghost! Wait, his ghost has been destroyed, I'll freeze his ectoplasm into cubes and eat each one individually! I even heard that ectoplasm tastes like cum, that makes it even better! Wait, someone already froze Garfield's ectoplasm into cubes and ate the cubes individually? I'll go eat hit shit, fuckers! So, Guiteau went on his epic quest to go eat shit, never to be seen again. But we're getting off track. Time to talk about what's going on in THIS universe.
So this "2" fellow was right, Knife Girl had actually appeared in this universe. Confused, bewildered and scared, she started stabbing everyone she could. This, of course, led the police to try arresting her, but she managed to stab each and every one to death. Then 2 decided to put an end to this and hide her somewhere safe while she could calm down.
So who is this "2", may you ask? Well, the answer is really simple. She goes by many names, one of which is... the creature. But she's also known as Luna apparently, so let's just call her that.
Luna had been comunicating to John through his dreams, showing him small pieces of information to warn him about an imminent doom. But John didn't know that, he simply thought they were simple dreams. So John kept his rutinary life of having sex with Dave without much trouble. That was, of course, before the incident happened.
The incident went like this: Luna asked "Can I get help about what kind of questions I can ask about what questions I can ask about questions here?" to a customer services person at some shop. To nobody's surprise, this annihilated the universe and reset the timeline.
Luckily for us, Luna was in a different universe from John, so this didn't affect our main storyline. However, before her timeline was reset, Luna escaped her own universe using John' s dreams, ending up in the same universe as him. Unluckily for her, she ended up next to Knife Girl, who was still trapped in a dimension that was not her own's.
Then Luna used Extreme Sarcasm to destroy the multiverse.
It failed miserably.
Until it didn't.
...nah, just kidding. Knife Girl killed Luna before she could keep up with her universe-shattering antics. Luna's death resonated within John, who was connected to her thanks to his dreams, and that's when John realised something big was going to happen.
"Don't you fucking dare destroy the universe on PURPOSE. I did it accidentally a while back, accidentally," says a desperate OPOSSUM, trying to grasp this ludicrous new realty of universes being constantly created and destroyed, turning worlds upside down and inside out.
"Don't worry, I'm here trying to keep the continuity of the universe intact", says a pine in the distance. Anyway, let's see what Lord Mocassin, now revealed to be Jacques Noir, is doing, shall we?
Epic new section detailing the backstory of the not-so-great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia, now known as Jacques Noir[edit | edit source]
Jacques Noir was busy reflecting on past for some reason. Why he did that instead of plotting to murder John and Dave is beyond my understanding. Either way, it was revealed to us that he murdered all of his relatives and friends at the age of fourteen, in an attempt to gain supreme power of the youth club. That explains why he’s so bloodthirsty. Also he was stationed in Rhodesia at some point, so i guess we know where his racist beliefs come from now too.
We interrupt this story to bring you an announcement! Luna has been recreated, since this is the second millisecond right now. Any sightings of Luna should be reported immediately! Back to the story.
This announcement was broadcasted to everyone’s minds, including Jacques, who was still reflecting on his past. Bewildered by this, he instantly started searching for anyone named Luna, only to know that there are literally thousands of women named that, getting him nowhere. The Luna we’re talking about was hiding on the moon, plotting an evil master plan to turn you into a woman. Yes, you specifically.
Tired of searching this "Luna" girl (who will be later brought up again *wink*), Jacques decided to keep reminiscing about his past as a Moccasinian monarch. Few people knew that he had actually started to loathe moccasins since he started reigning Moccasinia under the guise of Lord Móckasiin. Of course, he being the king and all, he simply couldn't speak up about this, or else the kingdom would have started a revolution against his hatred against the moccasin. But Jacques' mask was slowly tearing off. All he could see in that kingdom were nothing but moccasins.: What was the castle he lived in made of? moccasins. What was the food the people ate? moccasins. And the plants that they cultivated? mocassins. And the shoes they wore? Well, of-fucking-course were fucking
moccasins.
And Jacques was so, so, fed up. So, in a sense, John and Dave did him a favour by indirectly dethroning him from Moccasinia. Then again, being the king of a whole reign almost compensated the whole moccasin thing, so he still despised John and Dave for everything they had (indirectly) done to him.
Oh, we forgot about a certain charecter. Ouch ouch ouch, I got stabbed! Don't let knife girl take over the city and kill everyone.....
Seeing potential in her, Luna then went down to earth to pick up Knife Girl and take her to the moon. When they had gotten up there, she explained her plan to Knife Girl, who was busy stabbing moon rocks, which meant that she didn't listen. So Luna had to explain the plan again, and this time Knife Girl listened... for about 5 seconds until she started stabbing more rocks. This repeated itself for about an hour, after which Luna got tired of it and tried taking Knife Girl's knife away. This led to her accidentally getting stabbed. Luna realized during this that she was very much into that, but kept quiet to get Knife Girl to actually listen to her, which was now possible because she didn't have her knife anymore. Also Luna can regenerate her body, so getting stabbed wasn't a big deal.
Knife Girl couldn't notice something rumbling on the earth above her. The earth seemed to be vibrating somehow. Knife girl yelled at Luna, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? And a tower of something brown like dry shit rose up from the earth's surface, The tower seemed to be getting taller and taller, slowly engulfing its surrounding area as well. The earth began to turn a bit and suddenly halted, so that the apex of the growing tower was facing directly towards Knife Girl and Luna. The tower's tip was getting closer and closer. Was that.... SHIT? What a fate indeed, to be buried in a massive pile of moccasins. That's quite a fate indeed, and everybody and nobody was expecting it. The tower reached the moon and buried the pair together. Knife Girl's final thoughts were: "But who created this mysterious tower? Why was it there?"
Fortunately, Luna was immune to any and all moccasin attacks. Unfortunately Knife Girl was not, so i took her back to her home universe. Luna wasn't too happy about this, but there wasn't really anything she could have done about it. Now she had bigger issues. You see, the moccasins had covered the entirety of the moon by now, making it a mooncasin. The entire world would be both confused and pissed off about this, and who was to blame? Luna, obviously. She was the only one on the site. So she immediately departed for Mongolia to continue developing her master plan there.
Some penguins came along and built a giant wall around Mongolia to defend themselves from Luna's plans. Obviously the wall was made out of [[Tryptophan synthetase]]. That's about it.
Going back to the Lord Móckasiin plot (which used to be the only plot until the continuity decided to fuck off), Jacques Noir finally stopped reminiscing about his past and started coming up with a plan to take revenge on John and Dave. However, he was really bad at it, so he used the only ace up his sleeve he had left: Asking the Great God Mokkááwŝen for help. Mokkááwŝen, of course, was the deity the Moccasinians prayed to, so he, too, had to pray to him back when he was a king. He didn't really believe in him, but it was his only choice left. Jaqces constructed a poorly-made altar in five minutes, and spoke out loud: O GREAT MOKKÁÁWŜEN, WILL YOU AID ME IN MY QUEST TO TAKE REVENGE UPON MY THRONE AND MURDER JOHN AND HIS GAY LOVER[1]? And then, something weird happened to Noir: he started hearing a deep, manly voice in his ear, and this is what the voice said unto him:
“lmao no do it yourself you lazy bastard”
Jacques, annoyed with this answer, tried asking again. He got the same answer. He asked again. Same answer. Again. Same answer. Every time he asked he got the same answer. Little did he know that this wasn't the Great God Mokkááwŝen answering him, but rather the spirit of Alula, who found this hilarious. At some point Jacques got pissed off and cursed everywhere, causing the real Mokkááwŝen to personally join in on Alulas fun. All this made Jacques go completely insane, which led to him cutting the moccasins at the altar in half. Mokkááwŝen then subsequently decided enough was enough, and cut Jacques´ feet in half, immediately sending him to the hospital.
Since Jacques was broke af and had no family nor friends, the doctors decided there was no necessity to help him, and so they donated Noir's body to a military experiment funded by the FBI (without Noir's consent, of course). There, Jacques Noir was updated with the latest in military technology, turning him into a cyborg that would work for the American Government. However, Noir was to selfish to work for anyone's but his own interest, and once the experiment was finished, he used his robo-legs and fucked off. After all, now that he had been turned into a killing machine, he could kill John and his gay lover once and for all!
Jacques, now given the new nickname of Mechasin, began his rampage through California, smashing every house, tree, boulder, and street in his path. His footprints carved out holes for new lakes like Paul Bunyan. His commander was thus nicknamed "Blue Ox". When there was no more of California to romp all over, he smashed up Oregon, Washington, and even British Columbia over in Canada. Mechasin then tumbled into the Pacific, and decided to betray "Blue Ox" and attack Japan like Godzilla.
Unfortunately, we have to leave you here on this cliffhanger while we serve you an ad break. Don't worry though, i can switch the channel to something while we wait. Let's see what Luna has been up to.
...well, we have to start a new section for that. Sorry!
Mom, Luna's doing something crazy in the middle of the Mongolian steppe again![edit | edit source]
Luna is building a big-ass ladder to get over the [[Tryptophan synthase]] wall so that she could turn you into a female sea otter. Err, good luck with that. The penguins are doing everything they can to stop Luna from ever escaping from her prison in Mongolia. I doubt the penguins can hold Luna back forever, but at least the penguins can stall her for a while (whew.)
Actually, scratch that; Luna used the magical powers of her moccasins™ to free herself from her prison. She was in her way to turn you into a otter when she got stopped by yet another wall, the fourth wall, so she decided to leave you alone by now and continue her scheme of flooding the Earth with moccasins. She didn't have enough moccasins, so she traveled to Moccasinia, where there was said to live the man who owned the mistmoccasins: the Great Lord Móckasiin. Of course, she didn't know that the man that went by Lord Móckasiin had been kicked from Moccasinia, so she was baffled when she arrived there only to be told they had no king at the moment.
The chaos continues in Moccasinia[edit | edit source]
So basically, the Moccasinians ended up in a big civil war, split between seven factions, each believing that someone different was the rightful ruler of Moccasinia.
1: Jacques Noir should be reinstated as ruler of Moccasinia, because we have actually seen some success with him.
2: Luna should become the ruler of Moccasinia, this will hopefully distract her from her evil plans.
3: John should become the ruler of Moccasinia, since he seems to care more about Moccasinia than Móckasiin ever did.
4: Some random moccasin-farmer from northern Moccasinia, Måqasin, should be the ruler of Moccasinia, because he claims to have royal ancestry.
5: Moccasinia should be partitioned between the USA and Canada.
6: Moccasinia should be turned into a leader-less direct democracy.
7: Moccasinia should become a theocracy, and answer only to the Great God Mokkááwŝen.
Which side do YOU stand for? At least it's better than the american two-party system.
Luckily this wouldn't be a problem for much longer, there was a ballistic missile headed straight for Moccasinia. If it wasn't stopped, Moccasinia wouldn't exist for much longer. The missile was called "The Mocha-Sin Missile" and was loaded with 42,069.57 times more force than in the Tsar Bomba.
The missile had been luched by the US Government, which was angry that Jaques Noir had left them after updating his body into a cyborg. They thought he had left to become the king of Moccasinia again, so they planned to nuke moccasinia in order to prevent him from reclaming his title as Lord Móckasiin. The harsh reality was that Jacques didn't give a flying fuck for Moccasinia, so the nuke plan was essentially a colossally stupid idea.
Now, what will the fate of Moccasinia be?
Meanwhile, John and Dave were having a party back at their home, completely unaware of this poll happening. Their party was quite fun. I would know, because I was there. You were invited too, but the invite might have gotten lost in the mail system. Sorry!
...I kinda have to write bullshit until the poll is done. I'm sincerely sorry for that.
Hey guys, look! It's him! Wait, you don't know who he is? Well too bad. If you don't know who he is, I won't tell you. Figure it out yourself. Anyways, it's time for me to go fishing. I hope he doesn't mess up the time line of ASBOPAAT. That would make me infinitesimally upset.
As stated before, John and Dave were having a party, until something peculiar happened: the lights went off, and when they went back, a corpse appeared in front of John and Dave! Everyone gasped at this sight. It was then when it was revealed: there was a murderer in the party! And only John, who had the gift of plot armor, could identify which of them was the culprit!
[[The nation of Moccasinia has been given temporary plot armor until L10nM4st3r votes.]] The murderer turned out to be Henry, a scrawny five-feet-three-inch man who always carried a blanket around with him like Linus. Henry had not done anything to hide his murders: it was clear that Henry choked his victims by wrapping the blanket around them and pulling really hard. How such a weak and tiny man managed to strangle his victims so hard that their necks snapped was a mystery. John immediately dialed 911, but the cops arrested him instead for unknown reasons.
And that's the story how John ended up locked behind bars. He now had to survive six months inside this hell full of gangsters, thieves and bloodthirsty-killers; really great people, in general. Between these wrong-doers, someone caught John's attention; it was this universe's version of Knife Guy! Of course, John didn't know of any Knife Guy, so this Knife Guy was the only version that existed to John's understanding.
Hey, L10nM4st3r, did you vote on the poll just now? Because things are about to get FUNKY.
Seems like its a draw. Heh. Oh well - l10n.
Alula declares this poll over! Let's see what happens if all three things things come true.
World War Moccasins[edit | edit source]
So, before getting nuked, Luna is declared priest-lord of Moccasinia, and she gains access to a shrine to the GREAT GOD MOKKÁÁWŜEN.
Using this shrine allowed her to communicate with the rest of the world that Moccasinia is in grave danger and is about to get nuked by the US. This sparks a new UN meeting, becoming the most fiery meeting to date (and somehow the most productive one). A multitude of nations agree to declare war on the US and its allies, and a sizeable percentage of the rest do the opposite. The world had successfully been moccasinified into a world war.
The nations of the world are truly excited to try out all their new moccasins-of-war, and moccasin each other to tiny little giblets! The USS Fuzzyleathershoe has already been sunken by a uranium moccasin launched by Iran, who seem to have finally finished developing those WMD's like the Iraq that they are so commonly confused with. Justin Trudeau declared Canada to be a new province of Moccasinia, in order to ease tensions and get the USA not to nuke Moccasinia. And silently as a water moccasin, the Moccasinian capital city, Muohkasen, disappeared off the map.
... NOT! Luna was not going to let her precious kingdom dissapear off the map that easily; it had costed the Moccasinians thousands of years until the other countries would recognise them as an actual state, and Canada wasn't going to erase those thousands of years in a milisecond just so this supid thing called "peace" could flourish. And so, Luna gave the middle finger to Mr. Trudeau, and declared war on both the US and Canada. After all, Luna was an agent of chaos, and she would never lose an opportunity to breed more senseless violence.
By this point you had forgotten about the subplot where Luna finds you and turns you into a woman, so she did exactly that. This is irreversible and completely irrelevant to literally anything else, so have fun with that.
Also she left you a shark, as a gift.
Congratulations. You must perpetually live with "Baby Shark" stuck in your head. This will truly be torture... until you wake up. Was it all a dream? Luna? The moccasins? World War III? The destruction of Ojai? The epic battle between capitalism and communism? All a figment of your imagination. Or was it? Well, it turns out that half of it was real. You regain consciousness in your massive pile of shrooms in your basement. The fucking cops are here to turn you in for various crimes against humanity that you never knew you committed. But you really had started World War 3. The shark was actually a pair of moccasins that you had left beside you. You'd loved those moccasins since you were a little kid. In the distance the radio is blasting messages about city bombings and the massacre of civilians. You begin to realize what a horrible place the real world really is. You beg the cops to leave you in your basement. Surprisingly, they don't arrest you, and let you be, although they warn that if you do anything crazy again, you'll be sentenced to death. You shove a few magic mushrooms down your throat, and you return with awareness that you have entered a fantasy world that you can alter with your own mind. You feel like you've become a fucking god, and as you re-enter your personal alternate reality, you know that ONLY YOU can destroy Luna and end this ruthless war. The fate of the Moccaverse is in your hands!
But the world you returned to wasn't one you knew. Cities were destroyed. Farmhouses looked to be ripped straight out of the ground. There were no people to be seen anywhere. You were still a woman (you still hadn't gotten used to that yet). Ojai was now named Åwjæi for some reason. It was a strange place to be. You felt completely powerless to do anything, knowing you were probably too late. So you made your way to ruined shrine of the Great God Mokkááwŝen, hoping he could somehow help. But when you arrived, all you saw was a gravestone. It was vandalized, so you weren't able to make out the name, but the text below said "May the Mooncasins be with her". This made you realize that this was Luna's gravestone. Even though she murdered lots of people, indirectly started World War Moccasins, and forced you into becoming a woman, you still felt really sorry for her. You felt as though she didn't deserve this fate. You started crying. This was getting very emotional. The writers are actually crying because of how sad this plot point is. But you didn't have time to cry, because in the distance you heard weird noises. So you went to see what it was, and it turned out to be John and Dave fighting against a superpowered Mechasin.
It was clear that the destroyed houses and buildings were due to the continued rampage of Mechasin. Mechasin let out an ear-grating Mechagodzilla roar that terrified John and Dave. Several zombie OPOSSUMs rose out of the ground, dug a hole into Luna's grave, and began to fuck Luna back to life. After doing this, the OPOSSUMs all died. You realized quickly, as if a voice had told you from the sky, that the lives of the OPOSSUMs and Luna were inversely linked, so you summoned more OPOSSUMs, causing Luna to die again. The OPOSSUMs screeched in a braindead unison, "YOUR OLD THOUGHTS WERE BULLSHIT, SHE FUCKING DESERVED IT!" And remember that voice that seemed to be telling you something? That was Mokkááwŝen coming down from the sky to look for assistance. You had godlike psycho powers now, and with them you renamed Åwjæi to ʔawhay̓. Then you and Mokkááwŝen both fired your EYE BEAMS, creating a powerful electromagnetic pulse that disabled Mechasin. Mechasin then toppled to the ground and the malnourished Jacques Noir crawled out from the hatch on the mechanical behemoth's back. He then asked to be killed and then buried right next to Luna. Jacques Noir was shot on sight by John... with a tranquilizer dart. Thus he was buried alive on top of Luna in her grave. Well, that was one problem solved, but the war was still going on.
As the war keeps going, you contemplate on your own existence and the sugfering of the human being. Why did we get to this? How did we get to this? No, really; how did we get to this??? There's been like a chunk of story we completely skipped, and now the already insane story makes even less sense now. That's when you see a sheet of paper fly off Mechasin's sleeping body, which reads: The A story built one paragraph at a time apocrypha. Inside of it lies all the answers to your questions! Secret knowledge forbidden by the ruling elite, now revealed to the public masses! And the story reads as follows:
Temporal transition to a point in the near past to fuck up with linear continuity[edit | edit source]
As you might remember, John had been falsely accused of murdering someone, and got sent to jail over it. That's where he met Knife Guy, a bloodthirsty criminal that was tracing a plan to get out of jail. Knife Guy, who could see that John had veen sent there for no reason other than cop malpractice, offered John to help him get out of there with him, and he initially refused. That would change the moment John heard that Lord Móckasiin was out there with a cyborg suit shooting everything he could shoot to, and only John knew of Móckasiin's weakness! And so, John did the most responsible him he could do: partner up with a psycho murderer to break the law and break free. Thus began Operation: Get Out Of Jail.
They waited for the guard to give them their food. Then they grabbed the guard, suffocated him, killing him. They took his keys and ran out of their cell. The alarms went off. They ran into the bathroom and jumped into the toilet, and flushed the chain. They were not expecting it to work like it did in Harry Potter where they ended up in an underground city bent on killing them. And it didn't! The guards got in and beat them to a gory death. (Un)-fortunately, the universe reset, again, so as soon as that happened, they repeated the exact same thing again, and ended up in the Ministry of Maniacs, where everyone is a murderer. They then hear strange voices behind them, and see Hitler holding a supreme lazer rocket neutron gun with a super long name that deliberately makes you think "ok, a short name would have a better effect at what your trying to do right now", so its called the "Un-existinator", which can destroy somebody and make the universe exist as though that person had never ever existed. Then he points it at them. Oh crap.
Knock-off Hitler pressed the trigger and aimed at John, who closed his eyes and crossed his fingers so that the lazer wouldn't hit him. But it did. He felt how his body started slowly disappearing, first his dick, and then, his... Wait, no, it didn't started to disappear, but rather, to appear some spheres in John's chest. John opened his eyes, and realised that he now had the body of a woman! Hitler, stranged, looked at the gun he was holding again, and realized that the word "Un-existinator" was glued to the gun with duck tape; and upon removing said tape, new words were revealed: "Genderbender-inator". Hitler had been deceived! At the sight of this revelation, Knife Guy, who was now Knife Girl, started stabbing knock-off Hitler to death.
Now, Luna's power to re-apear from one universe to another has made an army of Luna's to appear out of nowhere. One grabbed the gun and shot John, expecting him to never have existed. But then he feels the boobs shrink and a dick grow from his crotch. Damn, and John wanted to take a peak first.. The annoyed Luna throws the gun onto the floor, and it smashes into a million peices. Suddenly, (you remeber they are undeground, right? In an enclosed area?) the air becomes thick and hard to breathe. Damn it, don't put 10 thousand people in an underground structure with no air-flow! You know better than this!
John had never properly met Luna yet, he only had seen her in his dreams; so he never realized he was standing in front of the main villain of this story, although he did feel like he had seen her before. Anyways, that didn't matter now, because the Lunas had used her space-travelling powers to go somewhere else where the air wasn't so thick, leaving John and his pal alone. That's when they realized they were still in the Ministry of Maniacs, meaning they needed to leave that place before a cop catched them or a lunatic decided to have a feast with their blood. Knife Girl was pissed that the genderbender-inator had been broken before reverting him to her original gender, but them she saw her massive tits and realized it wasn't that bad at all.
Elsewhere, far far away, in a galaxy a long, long time ago, in a volcanic planet, was lain a powerful weapon. The REAL Un-existinator. And above it, millions of alien space-ships fighting each other for the weapon. But one alien snook to the surface, grabbed the gun, and opened a tear in the universe, and jumped in. They could be ANYWHERE! Even... getting drunk on OUR Jupiter (hint: he is)!
Beneath the thick clouds of the gas giant planet, lies a hard core covered with the well-preserved corpses of millions upon millions of dead aliens, as well as an endless junkyard of ruined spacecraft. In this mess, this alien hides in a crude cabin made of steel spaceship-hulls and cigarette butts (There are a surprisingly large amount of those lying around.) The alien, whose name is ʔK'âʞДe, has subsisted by drinking out of liquid hydrogen lakes (the lowest form of food as far as citizens of Planet Mocca CN-5 are concerned) and eating his own shit. Liquid hydrogen has caused his two ring-shaped reproductive organs to swell to the size of two large doughnuts, bursting with extraterrestrial sperm and a smell that can most accurately be compared to moldy cheese. Life is tough in this barren wasteland underneath the endless storms of Jupiter, but nobody would ever suspect that he is hiding on this desolate planet. Only a small supply of the methane which ʔK'âʞДe breathes remains in his tank.
It was all a dream. After blinking, the alien wakes up and realizes that it's in the internet. It tries to escape but sadly it was destroyed accidentally. No backups exist in this world.
However, the "it was all a dream" thing is so cliché that it retroactively becomes a reality again, just to fuck with the status quo. ʔK'âʞДe has to escape to the Earth, where a hidden pub for aliens exists below is surface, if (he? She? They? We'll stick with "they" by now) they want to keep living. But how?
ʔK'âʞДe was already infamous all over the galaxy for committing several outrageous crimes at a very early age, but had managed to reintegrate into the society of Mocca CN-5. Perhaps ʔK'âʞДe might be able to rediscover some old pals in the underground pub. So ʔK'âʞДe took off for earth, knowing that the crusty spaceship which ʔK'âʞДe had used to get to Earth would be undetectable at faster-than-light speed. So ʔK'âʞДe sped towards Earth, forgot to brake, and smashed into the Earth, leaving a hole two miles deep and making a loud noise (which nobody could hear since it deafened everyone in a hundred-mile radius. FYI, I mean about a hundred and sixty kilometers, Alula.) ʔK'âʞДe knew that the ship has crash-landed about thirty miles away from the alien pub's location. That wouldn't be too far or too hard, even without the ship, aside from the fat morbidly obese chance that no human would notice ʔK'âʞДe, the difficulty in getting out of the hole to make the journey, and most importantly, figuring out where the hell the entrance to the pub is.
In a shocking twist of plot convenience, the ship had just so happened to crash near the Moccasinian palace, where evil mastermind Luna (this universe's Luna, not the one that can clone herself) was residing. Upon hearing a really loud metallic sound in the outsides of her castle (Luna had an incredible ear, so she could hear things that others didn't), Luna told several of her soldiers to investigate thes ource of the sound. Little did she know she would find an interesting specimen that held an interesting weapon with unlimited power... The Un-existinator!
The moccasin soldiers suddenly didn't exist. Nobody knows why. But You are going crazy, they had NEVER existed before, never before. Luna sent more of her soldiers to scout the wreckage, over and over. BUt they never existed. So weird. And so many moccasin children have disappeared, and some adults too.
Even though Luna didn't remember about the people that had disappeared, she did have weird déja-vus whenever she sent someone else to go check it; and, since she wasn't unfamiliar with weird time-space-continuum fuckery, she detected that something had to be going on. So, she decided to stop sending people (although she technically didn't even remember having sent people in the first place, due to them stopping existing), and decided to go check herself. That's when she saw the two-miles-deep hole that had been caused by the spaceship, and decided to get to the bottom of the situation (both metaforically and literally). Of course, she tried to be as quiet as possible, just in case she would be noticed by the mole people or whoever/whatever had digged that hole into the ground.
An extremely trauma-induced and slow death[edit | edit source]
As Luna was carefully making her way down the hole, she saw some weird statues around. They seemed to resemble OPOSSUM, which she found really strange, since OPOSSUM was long dead by this point. She was scared by the presence of the statues, a little bit because that meant there was something strange going on down here, but also because they looked kinda creepy. She became even more scared of them when she thought she saw one of them move. But she convinced herself that they aren't alive and that she should continue downwards. But at some point she realized that they were in fact moving, which made her super-scared. Then, suddenly, they started running towards her, prompting her to run away, too scared to use any of her powers to do anything. But at some point, she was surrounded not only by angry OPOSSUM statues, but also by angry OPOSSUMs. All this had made her extremely traumatized, and her mind couldn't take any of this anymore, so she started screaming. She went on with this until she fainted.
Of course, Luna didn't die at this point, as she's the main villain of the story as of now and having her die already would be very anticlimactic. No, she merely became unconscious, and the OPOSSUMs caught her inconscious body and trasladed it to their undergoruond city.
As the OPOSSUMs were translading the inconscious Luna into their undergoruond city, Luna began to remember something. Think back, Luna, think back to long ago. Remember the curse of the OPOSSUM. What happens when you touch the zombie OPOSSUMs? Oh yeah.... let's see... now what was I thinking-uh... ARAPAPA- ugh, so...
SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA CACATONEDITUCAN!
SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA CACATONEDITUCAN!
TSE TUNG! TSE TUNG! TSE TUNG! TSE TUNG!
SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA CACATONEDITUCAN!
SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA CACATONEDITUCAN!
TSE TUNG! TSE TUNG! TSE TUNG! TSE TUNG!
And so, the ruler of Moccasinia had just been transformed into an Aracuan. The OPOSSUMs then sent Luna to a special chamber, where there were other people that had been also transformed into Aracuans. These Aracuans had formed a communist utopia in their little world, with pictures of Mao Tse Tung hanging on the walls and a Aracuan that acted as the state, bringing shared property to the people. Of course, Luna, being the evil being she was, had the sudden idea to become the new state and rule with a fist of iron, just like Joseph Stalin. And so, she began scheming to put the Aracuans against the current state.
(THE) OPOSSUM, being the founder of the Opossumist Aaaaaaaaan Ketchikanuck-VenTuranist Commy Party of Ojaio himself, decided to join forces in his plans to spread the Wolverhamptonish communist utopia to the whole world, leaving the bourgeoisie as no more than common fellows and/or a good way to keep the gulags running. While many OPOSSUMS were staunch guardians of capitalism, a collectively-owned meth farm built in the ruins of Ojai was the main source of the OPOSSUMs' power. So OPOSSUM himself pleaded the Aracuans to team up, but Lunaracuan was reluctant, immediately declaring war on the OPOSSUMS. Well, it could be worse, at least she can't turn you into a woman anymore, and she can't use the Un-existinator, I think.
Think again, bucko: it just so happens that, in a shocking twist of (once again) plot convenience, one of the Aracuans happened to be the Earth stranded alien, ʔK'âʞДe, who got captured by the OPOSSUMs and turned into yet another Aracuan. The Un-existinator was stolen by the OPOSSUMs, who have used it against the moccasinians that dared to enter in their domain. Of course, they don't know of its true power; they simply think it's a funny-looking weapon. But Luna does (how? that's a mystery...); and if she wasn't an Aracuan, she probably would have stolen it by now.
Luckily for her she was no longer an Aracauan, because it turns out there’s a flaw with the OPOSSUM zombie curse that may revert women back to their normal self after a while. (Yes, i know how specific that is.) So she could now steal the Un-existinator, and she did exactly that. But she didn’t actually know how the thing worked, so she accidentally set off a bomb timer. Realizing this, she quickly escaped the chamber, threw it like a grenade and hid behind a stack of boxes. And the Un-existinator exploded, killing everyone in the area, including the zombie OPOSSUMs. She thought that was all over, but there were now two problems. The first one was that she was traumatized for life after being down there. The second one was that she was now missing an arm, and was slowly (and painfully) dying of blood loss. So she made her way up from the OPOSSUM hole and up to the surface, where she promptly collapsed and died in front of her people, who buried her in the shrine.
Hold on, hold on; something's not right. You see, the Un-existinator did not kill everyone in the area, but merely destroyed them from every instace in the space-time continuum, making them not exist. And one of the "people" in that area was , the very alien that had caused everything in the first place. Meaning that, now that they don't exist, the Un-existinator is now still sitting on Jupiter, the aliens are still fighting over it, nobody crashed into the Earth; and thus, there is no hole in the surface to begin with. Meaning that Luna was now trapped inside the underground OPOSSUM city, except there was no OPOSSUM city anymore, it was just a lonely cavern. Technically speaking, Luna shouldn't even be there in the first place now that the whole thing didn't happen, but as she was the cause of it not happening (by throwing the time bomb), these rules did not apply for her. Confusing, right? Well, that's time-space-continuum fuckery for you. Anyways, Luna is now trapped, and kind of dying (but not really), and she has to find a way of getting out so she can continue with the Moccasinia-US-Canada war.
An ominous voice from above then said "This flashback is taking too long, can we just kill her already?" A very confused Luna heard this and got very confused. So confused that she couldn't stop thinking about it, even though her arm was missing and she was slowly dying of blood loss, suffering along the way. And also trauma. OPOSSUM trauma. But the voice kept repeating in her head, driving her completely insane as she was bleeding out. She couldn't fathom the possibility of there being a power greater than her that wanted her to die, and was struggling to understand how this even worked. But then the voice spoke again, and it said "Hey i brought you some weights. Hope you like them.". Then a bunch of moon rocks started raining down on her, knocking her unconscious and eventually killing her right outside of the Mokkááwŝen shrine. The moccasinians then decided to bury her inside the shrine. This isn't news to you. None of this is. I just wanna be done with this stupid subplot detailing what happened when you were awake and start writing about the goddamn world war already. It's all just your dream anyway, except multiple completely different people wrote it. Please don't resurrect her in the next paragraph again.
Alright, I was never planning to resurrect Luna. And I think that means... we've done it! We might have actually done it! We've vanquished evil from the world! Luna is dead! REJOICE, MY BRETHREN! Well, it was kinda fun while it lasted... but unfortunately, look at this world we are in! Mechasin has left a trail of destroyed buildings and foot craters all across western North America. Ojai has been reduced to ruins. And Knife... whatever is still out there. And We've got a new supervillain to deal with, whose name is, the unholy but forgotten BMB/"Big Moccasin Billy" from "A story built one word at a time". We thought we had gotten rid of him, but he will most certainly come back under a new identity. He is better known by the following pseudonym:
202.92.132.251!!![edit | edit source]
Speaking of Meccasin, the US military had tried to contact with him to ask for help in the US-Canada-Moccasinia war. They had heard about how Meccasin had gotten kicked from his own home, so they knew they could persuade him into fighting Moccasinia. And so, Meccasin started blasting all across the Moccasinian state, killing innocent Moccasinians and destroying countless homes. Technically speaking, the war should've ended when Luna died; of course, the US military didn't give a flying shit.
But there was a problem. Moccasinia wasn't just a collection of moccasins, moccasinians and Lunas. There was also something rumbling below the surface. Eager to fight, Meckasin decided to pause his rampage and investigate this. But the only thing he found, was... the creature. Confused at what he was seeing, he immediately shot at it, causing it to flee further underground. Hopefully that thing doesn't appear again in a later paragraph for absolutely no reason at all. Anyway, the US military junta had by this point declared war on Meckasin too because he turned out to be extremely dangerous and unpredictable. Also they found out that he stole Trump's can of beans at some point.
IN THE BEGINNING of days there was jkfsjdskhsjkkhsdjksjkdf, and jkfsjdskhsjkkhsdjksjkdf made the universe; why is His name jkfsjdskhsjkkhsdjksjkdf? WHO KNOWS11 anyway, jkfsjdskhsjkkhsdjksjkdf said "I'm bored lets me us create a universe or somethin'" and so the Universe was created.
Unfortunately nobody cared about the statement above, because the universe already existed. Also i can't make out what's happening in that one either way.
But anyway, the thing that was rumbling under the surface, was of course, Jkfsjdskhsjkkhsdjksjkdf, a robotic snake-like monster created by 202.92.132.251, lord of the STOP!!!. YOU must get together with Mechasin to destroy Jkfsjdskhsjkkhsdjksjkdf. or else you will get together with Jkfsjdskhsjkkhsdjksjkdf to destroy yourself! God stared down at Jkfsjdskhsjkkhsdjksjkdf, his impersonator. How could this unholy beast claim to have created the universe? Wasn't Jkfsjdskhsjkkhsdjksjkdf built by that dreaded IP user?
Unfortunately for Jkfsjdskhsjkkhsdjksjkdf, it was time now that the plot moced to John and Knife Girl, who had been left out of the plot for many paragraphs now. John and Knife Girl had just gotten out of the Ministry of Maniacs, where they had seen truly horrible things, which for the safety of the reader's sanity, we will not go in detail about what exactly happened inside said Ministery. Anyways; now that John and KG were free, they now had to find a way to get to Moccasinia and stop Meckasin once and for all.
Then John had a horrible brilliant idea. "What if we resummon Luna to teleport us back to Moccasinia and right into the Meckasin's weak point?" John asked. We sadly couldn't find anyone to voice Knife Girl for this story, so we'll just say she agreed and they both tried summoning her. Except something was wrong. The second she appeared she turned into pink smoke. So they tried countless more times, and it happened every time, and at some point Mokkááwŝen had to personally tell them to stop trying because there was still a bunch of OPOSSUM zombies hiding somewhere underground, meaning that she quite literally couldn't be summoned back to life. So John and Knife Girl decided to just endure the OPOSSUM pilgrimage instead (walking the 24km to Ojai). Hopefully nothing bad happens during that time.
Just as John and Knife Girl were walking past Lake Casitas, *thump* *thump* *thump* *beep* *whiz* Hey guys, Mechasin here. Wanna see me fire my lasers? It would be funny if we took a town that had already been reduced to ruins and completely erased it from history? Now, ʔK'âʞДe, if you are reading this, don't get any ideas with your Un-existinator. We can take this still-smoking land of rubble and make it even more fucked-up? How does that sound, mah bros?
Mechasin had to be crazy, because ʔK'âʞДe had been hit by the Un-existinator time bomb, meaning that they did not exist anymore, and Mechasin was spitting out random words. Either that, or he had a secret power that wanted to hide from the audience.
Mechasin then opened his mouth, and yelled the following in a deep, robotic voice: "IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZOR!!!!!!!" Instantly a beam of blinding light flew out of his mouth and decimated Ventura, Oak View and Casitas Springs in one go. OPOSSUM was glad that he was well on his way to Ketchikan, although several Mechasin-foot-sized craters had been spotted near Ketchikan.
This is actually relatively peaceful compared to the rest of the story. The only thing going on right now is actually just four different characters walking to different places. Ignore the fact that one of them is literally just a more vicious Godzilla. Anyway, one night while OPOSSUM was staying at a hotel somewhere in British Columbia, he realized that he had actually died at some point earlier in the story. How he got resurrected is a mystery to me. It might have been all the timeline fuckery that happened while Luna died. But he didn't know this. In fact, he didn't even know who Luna was. The only thing he knew was that he had died at some point, and was resurrected. This meant that he was unknowingly commanding a bunch of zombie versions of himself. Of course, he doesn't know this, and he doesn't need to. Not right now, at least. He has a lot of OPOSSUMing to do in Alaska first.
OPOSSUM is currently spending the night at a shitty dirt-cheap motel in Kelowna, British Columbia, the cheapest hotel in all of Kelowna and the only one that allowed rabid vermin such as himself inside. OPOSSUM swore that he had heard a moan (no, not a sexual one, you perverts!) in the night, but it was probably just some retarded moose that was about to die. You see a lot of those in the BC countryside. Meanwhile, Mechasin ignored John and Knife Girl, allowing the two to pass, under the condition that the pair do not try to rebuild Ojai. "Fine", John mumbled to himself. "I'll get some cheap laborers to rebuild Ojai for me."
The US government had at this point decided to try to trap Mechasin by seducing him with an unnamed giant robot lady to do stuff with. But much to the US' annoyance he turned out to be gay, so he just flat out rejected her. He also turned out to be a massive misogynist. This pissed the robot lady so much that she became a misandrist lesbian, and as such, a massive battle was about to ensue. Except it wasn't, because the robot lady wanted to date women instead of fighting a giant mecha-psychopath. Unfortunately she was too large to date anyone except said mecha-psychopath, and that wasn't going to happen, so the battle eventually started either way. Except it was now happening in the middle of nowhere instead of ...other places.
The reality is, John was the only one capable of destroying the Mechasin. The only problem is, the plot has been leaving him out of scene most of the time, despite himself being the supposed main character. But there's still time to change that. The giant lesbian robot had helped John to keep Mechasin distracted and avoid getting John killed; however, it was only matter of time before Mechasin remembered that John existed and started trying to kill him. Thusly, John needed to think of a way to neutralize the Mechasin, and fast. While thinking, John remembered that his gay lover had been staying at home this whole time, so he decided to give him a call and explain him what the whole fuzz was about.
But the voice that responded in the phone wasn't Dave, but Knife Girl. He wasn't dead or anything, he had just been shot in the leg and hospitalized. There's also a knife in the bullet wound, which might be Knife Girl attempting to save him. And that does seem to have worked, because he's actually recovering (albeit now with a metal blade stuck in his leg). We're getting off track here. Knife Girl told John of what happened and he quickly got to the hospital to care for his lover. Then Knife Girl went off into the Moccasinia desert, because why wouldn't you go there in the middle of a global war? It went about as well as you expected. She immediately got attacked by a poorly trained US soldier, and was about to be shot too, but then she was saved by someone and they fled somewhere else. But who saved her? That was something she didn't know. But when they got to a safe place she could finally see who it was, and it turned out to be Luna.
Except this Luna isn't the Luna you know. This is the same Luna that was communicating to John through his dreams, the same Luna that went by the name of 2. The same Luna that got backstabbed by a different universe's Knife Girl. It turns out that she never died, because, as everyone knows, Lunas are somewhat immortal, and need a special kind of weapon to be actually killed. "Where is John?", said this Luna. "Huh? You mean the nerdy-looking guy? Does he know you or something?", questioned Knife Girl. "No, he doesn't know me, but I certainly know about him", answered Luna, "and I need to tell him about his fate, or else the rest of Lunas will go after him!" Knife Girl was confused, but after thinking a little, she decided to just listen to Luna and point to where John was. "Thanks", replied Luna. "Why did you save me, though?", asked Knife Girl; "you reminded me of someone", replied Luna.
Considering the fact that they were both now wanted for murder (yes, the soldier died), they decided to stay in this safe place. There, they quickly became friends, and they swore to protect each other until the end of time. We also got Luna’s backstory, in which we get to know that she was actually an attempt to create a human superhuman, and the reason she became rogue was because her mind was based on a mixture of Tumblr and various small message boards from the early 2000s. But she had now overcome that, and is no longer extremely evil, just a little bit mischievous. Of course, Knife Girl really likes her because she’s also slightly mischievous, except it involves a lot more uncontrollable stabbing for her.
Suddenly, a moccasinian entered the scene, and became surprised after seeing Luna. "OMG, queen, you're alive!", said the moccasinian. Luna was confused by this. "Queen? What are you talking about?" The moccasinian answered, "Don't you remember? You were elected as our new queen, but a meteorite fell out of nowhere and killed you!" Luna was becoming more and more weirded out. "I fear I'm not the person you're speaking of.", said Luna, "However, something tells me that she is, in fact, alive. Could you show us where your queen's tombstone is? ". The mocassinian guided Luna and Knife Girl to Luna's deathbed, and Luna started digging a hole in the ground, showing that the gravestone... was empty."Huh?", exclaimed the mocassinian, "this doesn't make any sense! I saw my queen die in front of me! I was the one who buried her under ground!" "As I expected, Queen Luna isn' t dead yet", said Luna, and then she looked back at Knife Girl, and said, "We don' t have any time left. There's already a Luna in this dimension, and one is enough to cause chaos and havoc. If we let her get too close to John, horrible things will happen! Moccasinia can wait, it's time to hunt for Lunas!"
Luna 2 and Knife Girl then went to get John, but when they arrived to the place where he supposedly was he turned out to be completely gone. "But how did this happen?" said Luna 2. Knife Girl (who still isn't voiced by anyone) then reminded Luna 2 of the existence of Mechasin. "That bastard. Let's go get that fucker and make him eat shit. Then we'll neutralize Luna." she said. And so they tracked Mechasin down with a giant moccasin detector satellite (yes, those things exist in this universe) and found out that he had, in the classic idiocy of comic supervillains, captured John and left him alive in his hideout in the french Alps. There, he was yapping all about his legendary master plan to win World War Moccasins to John and how no one would be able to stop it, even though there was only a "microscopic chance" of it failing. Then Luna 2 and Knife Girl appeared and beat him up real good. But then the most unfortunate thing ever happened: Mechasin activated a comically convenient win-switch, taking both Luna 2 and Knife Girl captive and tying all three of them up to chairs for some reason. He then set his "unstoppable master plan" of launching moccasin nukes all over the world in action, laughing menacingly moccasinly. It would be threatening if not for the fact that his mecha was completely destroyed when he got beat up.
Now that his mecha was gone, Jacques Noir only had his prostetic legs and his laser beam arm (both as in "firearm" and as in the thing you have on both sides of your torso). Angered that his threatening aura had banished, Noir left the place immidiately and swore to come back even more powerful than before. "Well, that happened", said Knife Girl. John was severely injured and couldn't get up, but thankfuly for him, Luna had hidden between her boobs a healing potion that granted John +80 HP. "Do I know you?", asked John, "your face is vaguely familiar". "As much as I'd like to, there is no time for questions now; we have to get going before the Lunas come here and doom us all!", replied Luna. "huh-?" gasped John, but was interrupted before even being able to build a sentence. "Guys, before moving all with all this esoteric shit of evil clones and magic, maybe we should first focus on stopping the moccasin nukes that that crazy guy has launched all over the world", said Knife Girl. And KG was right: the secret code had been activated, and if not stopped before 4 hours and 13 minutes, they would asplode the world apart!
Luckily, the ragtag group of randos realized that Mechasin was so small-minded that he added a self-destruct button to the nukes. After Luna lifted Knife Girl up, she was able to detonate the self-destruct button...before realizing that doing that was a really stupid idea. As a result, the group got exposed to lethal doses of radiation since the nukes were prematurely detonated. Regardless, for the sake of the story, they're still alive.
By being exposed to Moccasinian radiations, the three of them had gained cool mocassin superpowers. They did not know this yet, though, and thought that all the radiations had done to them is leave them with third-degree burns. Thankfully, Luna still had left another potion between her breasts, but they had to share it, meaning that each one of them only gained 25 HP+. This wasn't enough for them to heal completely, and Luna knew this, who feared that they could be vulnerable to an attack from the evil Luna clones. Such is the reason the trio parted in search for armor, potions and other loot they could find in the nearest shop available.
Unfortunately they weren't able to find any shops in time before Jacques returned with a mercenary army he hired from a far right militia in Moccasinia, using his former claim to their throne as leverage. This was quite bad for our 3 "heroes", and they were almost completely overwhelmed by 15 minutes of continuous hot-moccasin pelting.
Suddenly, moccasins![edit | edit source]
Luna then tried deflecting one of the hot moccasins using her old superpowers and instead sent a moccasin shockwave towards the enemy, nearly wiping them out. Confused by this, she tried a lot of her other superpowers and discovered that they now stack, meaning that she used two powers each time she meant to use one. This made her extremely uneasy about doing literally anything, but she decided to launch a couple more moccasin shockwaves either way. Knife Girl then figured out how to use them herself, but she also turned out to have some old superpowers lying around, so she almost stabbed herself multiple times. Luckily John didn't have any of those, so he was free to moccasin whatever he could.
Then they had a cool action scene where they were avoiding giant moccasins that were flying to their face (à la The Matrix movie) and kicking the militia's asses and serving them to Jacques Noir. However, because this is a written text and not an animated film, you will lose the chance to see this very cool and badass action sequence, and instead have to settle for this poorly-written description that barely does any justice to the general badassness and awesomeness that this brutal fight irradiates[2]. Anyways; the three "heroes" quickly wiped out the entirety of the militia thanks to their very awesome and very badass powers, and Noir was once again angered that, despite all his best efforts, he never got the chance to win. So, after swearing "REVENGE!!!!!" to his enemies, Jacques got the hell out of there to try a new plan that could actually get him to win. Meanwhile, our three "heroes" parted once again to their journey of searching the mythical artifact that could put a stop Evil Luna and her equally evil clones.
Just kidding! They all went on the journey together, since they were going to the exact same place: Ojai, California. But when they arrived there, they found out that the mythical artifact was already gone. But who could have stolen it, you may ask. Well, when they turned around they saw Jacques Noir holding it menacingly. He then ate the entire thing, and subsequently mutated into a giant moccasin monster, rendering Luna's and Knife Girl's moccasin powers completely useless. But then Jacques found out that being a giant moccasin monster had left him without the ability to move around at all, leaving him as a non-threat. But he was then suddenly blasted in the back by Luna #2, making him explode into giant mutant moccasin-monster bits. She then confronted Luna, Knife Girl and John, causing a massive battle, with giant moccasins possibly being used as weapons this time.
Hold on, something's not right- Jacques Noir can't die yet! We've seen him in the flashforward segment; in fact, it was Luna who was supposed to end up dead, not him! Nonono, this is clearly a fake vision created by the mythical artifact, which holds inside all the chaos and lies in the universe (and therefore has the ability to swallow Luna whole). In fact, Jacques Noir doesn't even know about this artifact, all he knows is that the three "heroes" are definitely looking for something. I'll tell you what happened: they were walking towards the mythical underground city of Lunatik (which is said to be somewhere in Mexico), when they were attacked by a flock of feral Aracuan birds -and not zombie Aracuans, as those have stopped existing thanks to the Un-Existinator-. Theses Aracuans, despite not being zombies, still were dangerous animals that the protagonists had to fight against. But because they're using RPGs mechanics for some reason, they have to first wait for the Aracuans' turn to end, instead of attacking them immideatly like any sensible person would do.
The Aracuans were smart, however. They figured that just... not taking their turn would stop our heroes in their tracks. Who knows where they got that idea from. But after about five minutes they were blasted by gaster blasters for plot convenience, because sans doesn't like it when no one in the story gets dunked on. Dumbfounded by this, our heroes decided to make their way further down into Lunatik, hoping to find something to defeat Luna #2 with. But when they arrived in the city, they found out that the weapons they needed had already been stolen five minutes ago, leaving only tomato stains where they were supposed to be. They got confused as to how this had happened, since this city's location wasn't known to either Luna #2 or Jacques. Then they heard someone say "NYEH HEH HEH!" behind them, only to find THE GREAT PAPYRUS staring down at them menacingly.
These last few sentences were, sadly, yet another false vision made by the mythical artifact: everyone with half a brain knows that the main characters shouldn't be able to see tomato stains as this city is underwater (not just undergeound); also, it's still too soon for our heroes - now in southern California- to arrive already in Mexico, specifically where this mythical city is. Besides, Papyrus isn't real. Or anime. The part with sans blasting the aracuans away did happen, though; nobody knows how he did to gain existence, though.
This made our characters uneasy. Were they going insane? They did remember the previous interactions very clearly, but apparently they... didn't happen? Frightened, they decided to gamble out their fears in Las Vegas. But they were warned along the way that the New California Republic would try to shoot anyone trying to get through the desert. Luna, who knew that the NCR was a part of the Fallout universe and not this one rightfully called the lady they were talking to out on her bullshit, causing her to turn into Luna #2, who then knocked all three of them unconscious. Luna later woke up in a giant fighting arena, while John and Knife Girl were still laying unconscious on the floor. The she looked up and saw a giant slightly rusty and very much damaged mecha staring down at them, just like PAPYRUS had done in their vision.
Luna then realised what was happening: it wasn't the cause of the mythical artifact - that was yet another lie-; no, it was all a scheme orchestrated by Luna #2, who wanted to mess with them in an attempt to make them lose all hope and let her win. But Luna #1 and her friends were stronger; and wereb't going to give up so easily!
THE BATTLE OF THE LUNA'S (WHICH IS NOW TOLD EXCLUSIVELY IN THE PAPYRUS FONT FOR SOME UNEXPLAINABLE REASON)[edit | edit source]
LUNA THEN REMEMBERED THAT SHE STILL HAD BOTH HER SUPERPOWERS AND HER MOCCASIN POWERS, WHILE LUNA #2 ONLY HAD THE NON-MOCCASIN POWERS. WHICH MEANT THAT THIS BATTLE WAS ABOUT TO GET SPICY. LUNA #2 STARTED IT BY LAUNCHING A GAY BLAST AT LUNA, TURNING ANYONE HIT BY IT GAY. BUT SHE FAILED TO NOTICE THE FACT THAT LUNA IS ALREADY GAY, MEANING THAT SHE JUST WASTED TIME ON SOMETHING COMPLETELY USELESS. LUNA THEN RETALIATED BY THROWING AN ASTEROID, AS WELL AS A MOCCASIN AT LUNA #2. BUT THIS ATTACK WAS DODGED, AND IT MORE OR LESS CONTINUED LIKE THIS UNTIL THEY BOTH REALIZED THAT NO ONE WOULD BE ABLE TO READ ABOUT THEIR FIGHT WITH THIS EXTREMELY UGLY FONT BEING USED, SO THEY BOTH TOOK A BREAK TO beat the shit out of the writer who had decided that writing in Papyrus only was a good choice. Then they went back to fighting each other.
A long time later,in a remote corner of the world, the last remaining member of the Aracuan tribe of Africa jerked off. (How primitive!)
“SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA! SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA!”
But he was unable to get a good boner! (How primitive)! That is, until Luna appeared. Fit and athletic, with her clothing shredded by the jungle plants, the Last Aracuan was extremely aroused. (How primitive!) So aroused, in fact, that he proceeded to Commit unspeakable sex crimes against her! (How primitive!). After being satisfied, he spoke in broken english, asking her how she got to this remote location in Africa. (How primitive!) He was ready for her answer, but something amazing happened. (How delightfully primitive!)
This Aracuan had just severely pissed off a girl with two different sets of superpowers, and she was extremely confident in using them. So, without hesitation, she blasted him with the power of the sun (and the moccasins too), sending him straight to the shadow realm. But Luna #2 had followed her from their battle in that weird underwater city (or something like that, i can't remember the details), and surprise attacked Luna, knocking her unconscious. Then Luna #2 imprisoned her in her secret base beneath Mount Rockasin because she's basically a comic book villain, just like Jacques Noir.
In the meantime after the Battle of Papyrus, which lasted until both parties became bored of fighting and made a truce, Luna #2 had summoned the Moccasin Stone, which granted her access to unlimited power, second only to FSM Himself. This power condensed into a single point in Luna 2 (who I will just refer to as 2)'s head, causing her to have even more brain damage and become even more deranged. With that out of the way, 2 proceeded to fuck Luna until Luna bled or otherwise leaked from every possible orifice. "I ordered that Aracuan to be in your way because I like to see you suffer!" said 2, as she put on a fresh dildo and cut another hole open in Luna. "I am so much more than you could ever be," said 2, "And you know it. With my Moccasin Stone I can do anything!" 2 proceeded to morph her genitalia-with-dildo into a fully-fledged penis, and morphed the chains holding Luna down into solid energy.
What the fuck how did the rating for this story became from 12+ yo 18+ so quickly- I mean- Luna felt that she was going to die, but then she opened her eyes. She woke up in a cold sweat, hyperventilating. Was it that everything had been a dream? Luna examined her surroundings. She was in a car, which was being driven by John. Next to her was Knife Girl, who was worried by her expression. "Are you okay?", asked Knife Girl, "You're paler than the police officer I chocked with a fork". "Nah, it's nothing, just a bad dream...", answered Luna. She still couldn't figure out if what she saw was a dream, a vision, or something much more real... But that didn't matter know, because they had reached the US-Mexican border, and were closer to their destination, the secret city of Lunatik." Bad news, people", said John; "I don't have a passport..." "I neither do", said Knife Girl. "What's a passport?", asked Luna. "Well", replied John, "it seems we have a problem here".
That problem turned out to be that your magic mushrooms were wearing off and your weird as hell dream with it. (Remember that plotpoint? You don't? Well, that's too bad, i'm gonna remind you of it anyway.) So you forced yourself awake, took some more fungi and promptly went back to the dream. And luckily for you the story would now stop jumping back and forth and backtracking on entire paragraphs. Unluckily for you the time had passed quite a lot, so you had now lost track of of Luna and co. Then you remembered that you could just find them by thinking about them, so you did that, only to find out that they had gotten eaten by a giant mimic treasure chest in the city of Lunatik, and were struggling to get out of it.
Fortunately, Fenris came to free them from the giant mimic. But he did that by bombing the mimic, destroying Lunatik in the process. The mimic had been destroyed. Luna and the others walked out of the bloody corpse of the mimic. Everyone looked at Fenris, unsure of this new character in the story and which side he was on. Fenris looked at John, Knife Girl, and Luna angrily. They looked behind him. There, behind him were 50,000 war tanks. Fenris stepped to the side. "Attack!" he yelled furiously. He had not come to save them, but to conquer.
But the name of this man was not Fenris - that's just what his fake ID card said. The real identity of this man was a leader from a nearly village, who believed himself that he was a god due to the high amounts of LSD he often indulges into. His name? Møqasÿn Rein. It was his dream to conquer the lost city of Lunatik and obtain the mystical artifact that would grant him god-like powers, and no meddling kid would stand on his way!
Unfortunately Møqasÿn had a small problem he needed to deal with before he could retrieve the artifact: He had to kill Jacques as soon as possible. This wasn't because he was in the way or anything like that, it was just because Møqasÿn had finally learnt about what Jacques had done to his real son. But Jacques was nowhere to be found. It was almost as if he was deliberately hiding somewhere. So Møqasÿn decided to just drop the entire idea of hunting down his illegitimate successor and just went straight to Lunatik to find the artifact, only to get stopped by a giant mimic treasure chest blocking the path. Even worse for him, this mimic chest was also dead, so he couldn't get past it unless he was able to move it. Unfortunately Møqasÿn has absolutely no superpowers, so he can't just move it himself. But then, the mimic chest exploded, and after all the smoke that the explosion brought with it disappeared, Møqasÿn opened his eyes and saw Jacques standing where the mimic chest had previously stood.
Møqasÿn immediately ordered the tanks to shoot Jacques. All 50,000 war tanks shot Jacques. Yet, when the smoke was gone...Jacques was still standing there as if nothing had happened. Enraged, Møqasÿn ordered the tanks to shoot Jacques again. The same thing happened. Then something even stranger happened: the Mimic reformed. But there was a difference, now the mimic was a gigantic zombie mimic.
The zombie mimic was quite threatening... for about 5 seconds, before it collapsed and subsequently disintegrated. Turns out that mimics can't turn into zombies since they're not any sort of animal. Either way, Jacques hadn't actually endured a bunch of tanks firing it constantly. That's a common misconception. The "Jacques" that had taken all the hits was just a decoy statue. But where is the real Jacques? Well, he's already stolen the artifact, and was about to use it to do something unprecedented: to turn back time to before he was overthrown. You see, Jacques firmly believed that he was unable to get his revenge on John and Dave (remember Dave? Yeah, he still exists somewhere. I don't know where he went though) in this timeline, since he was now very much powerless after he was overthrown as the Great Lord of Moccasinia and his mecha was destroyed. But he figured that none of this would have happened if he hired an actually competent hitman instead of Selaw Obmij that fateful day. But before he could use the artifact to travel back in time he was confronted by John, Luna and Knife Girl, who had themselves tracked down the artifact for the last dozen paragraphs.
John used a surprise moccasin attack to make the artifact fall from Jacques' hands, which gently fell into the ground. The artifact was now standing in the middle of the three groups: Møqasÿn Rein and its military forces, Jacques Noir, and the three main characters. The one who first catched it, would be the one to win it all. All of them quickly run to the artifact: John was the first to get there, but Møqasÿn quickly kicked it so that a soldier of him would catch it, but the soldier was too slow and the artifact fell once again to the ground, and rolled to the hands of Jacques, but he was punched in the face by Luna, and she accidentally threw away the artifact with her punch, which would fall to Knife Girl's hands, but her hands were too full of knifes and couldn't catch it, the knifes acted as a catapult and threw away the artifact; it was like the artifact was a ball from a football game, you couldn't see who was the one currently holding it, because each second was changing hands. Finally, one of them stood tall, with the price in its hands: it was Møqasÿn Rein! He quickly tried to claim his price by turning back in time, but instead of the waited results, a note fell from the artifact, which said: "haha i tricked you this is not the real artifact ~ evil luna".
It turns out that Luna #2 had just made up the artifact entirely to mess with our main characters. She also made up the long lost city of Lunatik, which explains why it's named that way. But because i'm extremely pedantic i'm just gonna invent the real artifact and throw it down somewhere on Earth. And so i did that, but unfortunately it fell into Jacques' hands, and he instantly tried resetting the timeline back to this section. This didn't work... initially, until a giant countdown appeared that said "TIME UNTIL TIMELINE RESET", and it was counting down from ten seconds. That's not nearly enough time to even process what's going on, so i guess this timeline's getting reset. Sorry..?
...NOT! The countdown was not counting ten seconds by a long shot. It was actually counting back down days, not seconds; but not 10 either; it was counting exactly 4 days and 13 hours[3] to be exact! This meant that Luna, John and Knife Girl still had time to avoid the universe reset and manage to fulfill their mission without time-space fuckery! However, they were unsure the kind of thing they needed to avoid the countdown, but Luna was sure it had to do with a second artifact, which was even more mystical than the previous one.
...you know what? Fuck you. Destroys the timeline-resetting artifact that i created myself. Whew. Now that that's dealt with, i guess i can write about the extremely epic battle that's about to commence between our heroes and Luna #2 (Møqasÿn and Jacques are wild cards). And luckily we're getting an actual fight here, because Luna #2 didn't bother fleeing this time.
Did you... did you just undo a key plot point like that? With no reason behind it, just because you felt like it? That's kind of an odd choice... then again, you also added that plot point out of nowhere, so it's like fighting fire with fire... we're really bad at this stuff of writing a coherent plot, aren't we?
Yeah, i did just undo a key plot point out of nowhere. Any problems? That thing was gonna get diffused either way. Anyway, Luna #2 knocked Møqasÿn out nearly instantly, since he doesn't have superpowers. Jacques was about to get knocked out too, but he found somewhere to hide for the time being. So this battle was just between our heroes and this evil Luna clone now. This was a surprisingly even fight, but eventually our heroes overcame Luna #2 and knocked her unconscious (no, she's not dead). Luna, Knife Girl and John then had to sit down and rest for quite a while. Give them a break, they haven't been able to relax for twenty paragraphs now.
Unfortunately, life isn't fair, so they didn't get a break. Because suddenly, the ground they were on caved in and they fell into an underground city filled with talking mutant moles.
But these weren't mutant moles. They were OPOSSUM zombies! Our heroes were basically screwed now... NOT! They all have moccasin-powers, in addition to Luna's and Knife Girl's pre-existing powers, so the OPOSSUM zombies stand no chance. That is, unless OPOSSUM himself shows up and takes charge of his own zombies himself. But luckily he's dead... right? Wrong! OPOSSUM is somehow alive, and the OPOSSUM zombies still exist somehow, even though he's alive too.
But it's not the real OPPOSUM. It's an evil clone, but Luna, Knife, Girl, and John don't know that. Suddenly, the Anti-Moccasin came. It looked just like the opposite of a moccasin. And suddenly it became gigantic and stomped on our heroes. They were dead. But because of the sheer power of their moccasin powers, they came back to life.
They still had a problem though. The evil clone OPOSSUM was still there, ready to command his army of OPOSSUM zombies to tear Luna, John, Knife Girl and the Anti-Moccasin to shreds. Luna tried using her powers on the OPOSSUM zombies. It didn't work. She tried using her moccasin-powers on them. It didn't work. Knife Girl tried throwing knives on them. It didn't work either. John tried to call Dave for help, but his phone service didn't cover the area he was in. The Anti-Moccasin did nothing and popped like a balloon the second it got touched by an OPOSSUM zombie. Then Luna had an idea. She took Knife Girl up on a podium where everyone could see them and kissed her.
Møqasÿn Rein was not dead, merely dazed. He woke up, and the sight of the lesbian romance in front of him offended his fundamentalist Mormon sensibilities. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a transponder. Pressing the big red button on it, he laughed. "Now you'll get it, you f³³³³³s[4]!" All of a sudden the sky grew grey. An insect ballooned to a terrible size and then burst. Everyone in this story's risk of eventually getting cancer doubled, then tripled. A strange spacecraft shaped like a moccasin with a glowing green engine protruding out of its sole descended from above. "I am James E. Faust and this is my cousin, James Elohim Transphobic Charles Banana Jordan Allahu Hetero Normativity Al-Fonzo Ackbar Faust, or for short James Etc. Faust and his wife Olula Chowget. We were called by my assistant, Møqasÿn Rein, for a purpose, I hope, or he shall die," said the inhabitants. Møqasÿn Rein gestured towards Luna and Knife Girl, who were now making love. "Extramarital sex! And lesbian too! You know what to do, Elders Faust and Lady Olula!" James E. and James Etc. Faust did indeed know what to do, and Olula agreed.
But, as it turns out, the Fausts didn't know what Møqasÿn meant by that, and so the James's decided to go try killing the OPOSSUM zombies, and while fighting it they got Some Sick. And well, the instant Olula saw Luna and Knife Girl she betrayed Møqasÿn and left the Mormon church, because as it turns out she's also gay, and extremely unwilling to kill anyone she likes. This left Møqasÿn in quite a pinch, since one of his allies had abandoned him while the two others were dying from Some Sickness contracted from the OPOSSUM zombies. Also he now had the entire OPOSSUM army, as well as John, Knife Girl and Luna against him. How he managed to fuck up this badly is beyond me.
Anyway, Møqasÿn was rushed down by an OPOSSUM zombie and stabbed multiple times by a sharp claw. This left him fairly dead, which means that now we can focus on the ramifications Luna and Knife Girl making out[5]. And it sure left quite an impact, as this caused every single OPOSSUM zombie to completely collapse within seconds, and after a minute all of the OPOSSUM zombies had completely disintegrated into the earth, leaving our heroes with only a rogue OPOSSUM clone as their enemy.
After this passionate scene of love and lesbianism, everyone clapped at the beautiful sight if the scene -well, everyone but Møqasÿn, not only because of his homophobia, but also becausehe waa trying to run away from the rogue OPOSSUM zombie. But one person clapped harder than the rest, which became the new focus of the scene; it was the one that had been previously referred by 'Olula'. She was a young tanned girl that had curly blue hair, which held what looked like two eyes and beak, resembling a bird. "And what brought you here with us, Olula?", asked Luna. "Actually," said the bird girl, "my name is Alula".
The convenient cliffhanger that doesn't matter at all because this story continues right below this sentence[edit | edit source]
As our heroes were talking with Alula about all sorts of things, like her life, how she got here and moccasins, they failed to notice Møqasÿn get away, as well as the OPOSSUM clone actively chasing him. But this didn't really matter to them, as they don't really considered Møqasÿn a threat, and the OPOSSUM clone no longer had a zombie army. But something they failed to consider was the possibility of an older enemy returning. Someone like Jacques Noir. And that's exactly what didn't happen. That's right, Jacques did not return to do... well, anything. In fact, no one knows where he is right now. He's definitely alive somewhere, as established by his latest mention in this story being that he went to hide somewhere, but i think we lost track of him after that.
Boom! The world was struck by a meteor. And from that meteor crawled some worms, which were very brown. Those worms extruded some brown substance and returned to the meteor. Time seemed to slow down as that brown substance formed into the shape of a moccasin, and wormed its way to the spaceship that James E. and James Etc. Faust climbed out of. Once it had made it into the ship, it flew off and disappeared on its way back to it's original universe, abandoning its former . "Qxzzx, Zap!, Megork! Naboola! Naboola![6]" said one of the worms, shaking their head. "Gob'aka![7]" agreed another.
Not only was the previous paragraph conpletely irrelevant to the story; it' s also a lie, because those guys never appeared on A story built one sentence at a time, and if they ever do, they certainly didn't come from there. That said, let's get this story rolling once again. Apparently, Alula had come from a completely different world; however, James E. Faust had accidentally made her appear on their universe while experimenting with space-time technology for his evil plans. And because he was really inept, and also really didn't give a fuck; Faust couldn't find the way to reverse the process and bring Alula back to her universe, so he said "fuck it" and trained Alula as his new henchman. Of couse, Alula was really bad at it because of her pure heart, so all she did was stay behind during Faust's evil schemings.
Despite her extremely obvious drawbacks in the art of henchmaning (or i guess in this case henchwomaning), Faust had kept her around because he was about to fall in love with her. Unfortunately for him Alula did not like him at all, because Faust was an unattractive old man using her for his own benefit. In fact, Alula disliked Faust so much that she was actively plotting to murder him and his brother until Møqasÿn recruited all three of them in order to kill our three heroes, during which she had to reprioritize who she was going to kill first, because as it turns out she found Møqasÿn even more reprehensible. Part of this might have to do with Møqasÿn calling her Olula because of his extremely thick and old royal Moccasinian dialect, and the Faust brothers mimicking him. This leads us to right now, when she's explaining all of this to our heroes without a care in the world, completely ignorant of the fact that she's in a story where something insane might happen whenever a new paragraph arrives.
But in such insanity is this story deeped into, this insane paragraph where something completely insane happens is insanely random; and you never know what to expect next. It might be this paragraph, or it could be the next one, or it could be a thousand paragraphs next, or never really happen at all... It's a lottery! But then, suddenly, candy volcanos erupted from the earth, and starting shooting rainbows with unicorns and- nah, I'm just teasing you. Nothing of interest happens in this paragraph, as sometimes you have to let the story breathe for the weird shit to be even more impactful. What happens right now is that Alula starts bonding with the rest of characters, but that's really boring stuff I doubt you want to read about, so I'm writing about candy volcanos and unicorns instead, which is more interesting.
In fact, those worms were relevant to the story, though the universe they sent the ship to was not ASBOASAAT, for when they burrowed into the earth looking for food, they found a missing piece of the un-existinator. This was immediately scooped up by the Deep state for use against their enemies. (Isn't that Bananas?) The moccasins.
The moccasins? You mean to tell me that there's moccasins in this story? That's nuts! Moccasins won't fit into the story when we don't even have a moccasin-themed villain ruling a moccasin-themed country anymore! In fact, he lost his own personal moccasins when he became a cyborg! How is he gonna recover from his critical lack of moccasins after that? Pray to the Great God Mokkááwŝen? He doesn't believe in that anymore! His personal belief in the power of moccasins is long diminished, and has been replaced with generic supervillain tropes! He's not even got a single moccasi-
*ahem* So the previous author had a bit of a breakdown concerning. We're sorry about all that. She does have a point though. There aren't enough moccasins in this story anymore. How about we bring some of them back? What's the worst that could happen?
Everything at their own pace, gentlemen and gentlewomen! Bringing the moccasins for no reason right now is a bad idea, because it would disrupt the ongoing plotline. Also there are already many characters on these story, and adding even more, such as the poop worms, it's a terrible idea. So let's just discard these two previous sentences and try to make our story have the least coherence possible. Anyway; suddenly, mocca- I mean- Jacques Noir.
But there was no Jacques to be found anywhere in this current plotline. Instead his son, the Great Lord Mohvkásien, had taken over the throne of Moccasinia in the absence of Møqasÿn[8]. And Mohvkásien was not too pleased with the fact that John had indirectly caused his father's forced abdication, in addition to his own country's equivalent of the Watergate scandal, so he immediately started laying plans to invade Cascadia (the current residence of John and Dave, as well as the place our characters have been in for quite a while now). But that unfortunately had to wait, as the Moccasinian economy needed severe fixing after Móckasiin blew up the budget, as well as his coronation.
Meanwhile, John had gone back to the hospital in Cascadia to see Dave, who was still there, while Luna and Knife Girl bought an apartment in Lesbianland to live in together. Also Alula lives there for the time being, because she has no money, no house and nowhere else to stay. (They're not in a polycule, if anyone was wondering. Alula isn't in a relationship with any of them, she just lives there temporarily.)
Hold on, Lesbianland hasn't been mentioned yet on this story! Ok, so, long story short; Lesbianland is a South American country that appeared after lots of lesbians from the whole world decided to fight against the hetero-patriarchy by making their own state. This new nation wouldn't have restrictions against women nor against gays, like the rest of countries do, thus being the perfect utopia for lesbians. They also decided to stick it in the Amazon rainforest in honor of the Greek Amazons, the most famous example of strong, independent women. Lesbianland is actually one of the world's most powerful nations, on par with the US and Moccasinia; sadly lots of straight men over the world pretend as this nation doesn't exist because they're jealous that gay women are better than them. Also her current president is very fittingly a catgirl.
Oh, by the way, the author of the previous paragraphs got the facts wrong. Lesbianland is in North America, north of Moccasinia, and generally covers most of the area that we know of as Canada east of the population centers of Ontario, Minnesota and some surrounding land, areas north of Bella Coola and Kamloops in what we think of as British Columbia, the entirety of Alaska and the Far East. Despite the harsh living conditions and inhospitable climate, Lesbianland has emerged as perhaps one of the leading world powers (which is quite impressive considering their population is probably not a whole lot over a million). The country in the Amazon rainforest you might be thinking of is probably just Homosexualand, which is the same thing but for all genders, as long as they're some form of gay.
Well, fellow writer; I'm worried to tell you that you are the only one wrong here. As you can plainly see in the map on the right, the only countries bordering with Moccasinia is Canada and the USA. There is no third country that covers "most of the area that we know of as Canada east", as you previously said Lesbianland did. This proves that Lesbianland is in South America, because the South Americans deserve to have a cool country on their land too. Besides, not only does Homosexualand not exist, it wouldn't make sense for it to be in the Amazon rainforest as a tribute for the Amazons because the Anazons are more relevant to women than to gays. Get your facts checked first, previous author!
Well, fellow fellow writer, that map you just posted has been proven to be incorrect. It not only claims that Lesbianland is a part of Canada, but also that Greater Ojai and Cascadia don't exist. Furthermore, it was commissioned by Richard Nixon with the note "Draw a map where we're in control of Ojai and Cascadia, and Canada owns Lesbianland. I need it to create some war propaganda in order to invade those places and call it a special military operation to deceive the public." attached to it. His war plans were cut short when this extremely flimsy excuse of a plan to invade other nations was leaked a month after the Watergate scandal, forcing Nixon to resign and causing Greater Ojai, Cascadia and Lesbianland to demand an apology from the Nixon estate (they never got one). And Homosexualand does exist, and it absolutely is in the Amazon rainforest, currently fighting against an insurgency group of Aracuanists.
Once again, you are the only one wrong here. Although it is true this map is incorrect by not showing Greater Ojai, that's the only country that's been left out; and the reason for that is that this map was made previous to the Great OPOSSUM Revolution of 2021. But Lesbianland had already existed before that year, yet this map doesn't show it either; proving once again Lesbianland is a South American country - which is, by the way, the one that's currently fighting against the Aracuans (Homosexualand doesn't exist, as I explained before). Besides, if it was true what you said that this one was the map Nixon ordered to spread propaganda, don't you think Moccasinia would've also been left out and marked as yet another part of US property?
Ok, so now i'm gonna bring you some evidence that Lesbianland is north of Moccasinia, and it paraphrases one of our own stories:
"Lawrence now went to the nightmare of his lands, Lesbianland of whom borders to the north of Moccasinia."[9]
See? I have an actual source that states that Lesbianland is on the northern border of Moccasinia. As for the map, well... i don't know why. Nixon was the one who commissioned the drawing, not me, so you're gonna have to ask Nixon himself for why he didn't exclude Moccasinia.
Yeah, but you're comitting a terrible mistake: using as evidence what you found from a different universe. Although there are several constants that have in common between the different universes, there are also vast differents between then; and this is one example of the latter case. ASBOSAAT's universe happens to have a Lesbianland bordering with Moccasinia, but this story's universe doesn't, as proven by the fact that this country hasn't appeared in the plot until our characters crossed the US-Mexican border and travelled southwards within the American continent. Besides, ABOSAAT is a really bad source to take evidence from, as its universe has been resetted multiple times, leading to a great diversity of alterations within a single universe. Also, Homosexualand still doesn't exist; don't bring out evidence from other universes if you won't make notice that in none of those universes has ever been mentioned a place called "Homosexualand".[10] Maybe, after I've layed out all this evidence for you, fellow writer, you'll finally stop pushing your false allegations.
Well, yes, but the universe resets of ASBOSAAT are implied to usually reset the story to right before it started (with the exception of that first time), and Lesbianland was definitively established way before any of these stories ever started. Also, our characters never travelled south of the city of Lunatik, and in fact fought against the OPOSSUM zombie army and Møqasÿn in Cascadia, a country that is almost definitely situated to the west/northwest of Moccasinia.
Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down and I’d like to take a moment and sit right there and tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air[edit | edit source]
These were the last words of Willard Carroll Smith II, who was thrown out of the door and into the road by his uncle Philip Banks, where he was unfortunately run over by a food delivery truck. Banks is now on trial for second-degree manslaughter after the revealing of a bunch of diary entries containing unrelated plans to kill Smith at a later time. The food truck driver is also under investigation for assisting in the murder.
Completely unrelated to that, i have a solution regarding the entire Lesbianland debate. Because i read a bunch of history books on the place (in addition to Homosexualland) and found out that Homosexualland is just the regional name for Lesbianland, since the term "lesbian" wasn't used when Lesbianland was founded. In addition, i found out that Lesbianland owns large chunks of territory in both the Lesbian tundra (north of Moccasinia) and the Amazon. So i guess we were both right?
More on that news story from earlier, Phillip Banks and The truck guy who was revealed to be Chris P.(rogressive) Rock who wanted revenge on Smith after Smith slapped rock at a fancy dinner party in which they were talking about good films and stuff were found guilty of 2nd degree manslaughter. Both were sentenced to 30 years in prison.
Now, what does all that have to do with the rest of the story? Well, it has no connection whatsoever to any other plotpoints, and is just spun out from the ambiguous header. Anyway, the universe got reset. I know, how surprising! I might as well explain whatever the fuck happened in the background that would end up causing this, rather than actually inventing a new universe with a new story.
Eh, that is a really bad way to continue this story... I get that there is somewhere down the line where the plot just shifted entirely and now it's really hard to keep with it; but there was a time where this story did have a plot... and it was a pretty interesting one, actually... I'd like to be able to continue with that plot, and see what will be of John and Dave and Knife Girl and all the other characters; instead of resetting it entirely just like that... Don't you think there might be a better way to fix the current state of the plot that does not involve resetting it?
You know what? You're right! The universe did NOT get reset, but something tells me there's something that definitely would've reset it had this been a different story. Who knows what that could be.
...it's Jacques Noir. That's right, in a rather predictable twist of unoriginality, we have made this guy relevant to the story again. He has been steadily brewing up a master plan in order to take over Moccasinia again. It goes as follows:
- Jacques disguises himself as a Seattle resident and goes to Cascadia[11].
- He then goes on to find out the exact address that John and Dave live on, and then sneakily goes there, booby-traps literally everything and causing them both to die slow and horrific deaths.
- He flees with both of their dead bodies to Moccasinia, where any successor present will surely accept their gift and make Jacques the rightful Great Lord of Moccasinia again.
- ???
- Profit!
Unfortunately, everyone forgot about Jacques Noir. Oh, don't worry, he's gonna return at some point in the future. At some point. You'll see what I mean. To liven things up, and to make the obligatory Pichu reference, Melee Pichu, the Pichu from Super Smash Bros. Melee, makes an appearance, and he's not happy. Ever since he was replaced by another Pichu in Smash Ultimate, he has made it his mission to get back the slot he oh so deserved in the next Smash game. He has no idea how to do that, so he turns to Moccasinia in search of answers. Oh yeah, he can speak English now; that makes perfect sense.
Unfortunately the Pichu was murdered in Moccasinia because the Great Lord Mohvkásien had instated a law that says "no mice shall be allowed in Moccasinia (unless they live in a moccasin, of course)". And this let's us remember about Jacques Noir's existence again. And he did, in fact, decide to go through with this plan. Unfortunately for him John and Dave were at an unspecified hospital somewhere, safe from the clutches of this mad Frenchman. When Jacques heard about this he got extremely pissed off, so he then decided to cook up a different plan which involves doing... the exact same things as he was gonna do to John and Dave, but with Luna and Valerie. But this would pose a problem for him, as they both lived in Lesbianland, and Jacques wouldn't fit in, considering he was very clearly not a lesbian. (Well, that, and the fact that Lesbianland is filled with a lot of forests that make the place a massive maze to navigate. The average temperature of these forests are somewhat disputed.)
The delivery man brought the pineapple pizza. It was too sweet and tasted strong. So the pople complained and he made it less sweet. Then they said it was salty. So he added less salt. Then they said it did not taste like pizza anymore. So he added pepperoni. Then they said it was not pineapple pizza anymore. So he went back to the original. Then the cycle went on all over again. Yawn. You cannot win eh?
This is where Jacques Noir proposes the delivery man to help him out a little bit. A delivery outfit would be perfect for blending in with the Seattle population. Besides, disguising as a delivery man will not make Luna and Valerie suspicious whatsoever. As for the delivery man himself, once Jacques returns successfully and valiantly, the delivery man will be given credit for helping out with the effort. Wanting to finally break out of the pineapple pizza loop, the delivery man agrees to Jacques's side plan.
But the delivery man was now in for an interesting revelation: Jacques needed to go to Lesbianland to murder Luna and Valerie, and as we all know Seattle is not a part of Lesbianland (in fact, depending on who you ask, it isn't even close). Also a delivery man outfit does not help Jacques disguise himself as a lesbian, especially not considering he was very homophobic.[12] So he instead decided to try baiting Moccasinia into war with Lesbianland in hopes of a slight chance of him being able to sneak into the place and navigate a bunch of flattened forests.
The day of the MOCCASINS[edit | edit source]
November 15 suddenly arrived. And soon the moccasins came rushing down from space like a meteor shower. The moccasins rained down upon the frosted earth, creating large moccasin-shaped craters. Even Jacques Noir could not handle the sheer amount of moccasins that had rained upon his land. All you could see now was moccasins, this insane amount of moccasins was too much for even the moccasiniest of Moccasinians. And as the moccasins fell, a deep, hellish voice echoed all around the world.
NONE… SHALL BE SPARED… BY THE……… M O C C A S I N S.
But the Raichus came to try and defend. The Pichus and Pikachus had the potential to stop the shower, but they were all killed off by Great Lord Mohvkásien for, of course, being mice in Moccasinia. The average Raichu is smarter than the average Pichu or Pikachu, so all the Raichus wore moccasins to get into Moccasinia without a scratch. Of course, they couldn't start their plan right away; they had to seem like helpers of Moccasinia before the great betrayal. If there's one thing a Raichu doesn't know, however, it's their knowledge on how the people of Moccasinia would react to all these Raichus. Therefore, they had to take a shot in the dark to see if the people were inconspicuous of giant orange rats in moccasins "helping out" the nation.
However, the Raichus weren't wearing any moccasins, so they were all promptly murdered on sight. In fact, the Moccasinians didn't actually wish for any help at all, because they had read about this in what could be considered the Moccasinian version of the Bible, where it talks about a 40-day rainfall in which it rained moccasins. This, just like the biblical story about that weird flood, is complete bullshit and everyone in Moccasinia knows it, but their "Holy Texts" actually has a written guide on what you should do when it's raining moccasins, and it's actually a functional guide. (Writing the entire thing out would almost definitely break the rule about writing more than 6,278,181 sentences in a paragraph. Seriously. It's that long.) But Mohvkásien didn't believe in this guide, and was actually a moccasin-rain denier, so he proudly went to his balcony to hold a public speech and was crushed under the weight of a dozen moccasins falling onto him. And then a couple hundred more, as it was literally raining moccasins.
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