A story built one template at a time
Rules
- You can only add one template at a time. You must wait for someone else to have edited to be able to add a template.
- Connected content does not count as a "template". (Example of connected content: Template:Zorkheader)
- The template has to somehow add on to the story. You'll probably find some way to be able to do it.
- You can only add templates.
- Please do not add templates like Moccaspin or Earthquake. Especially not Eldritch Zone. It is not required not to, just strongly advised.
- Have fun!
Story
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If this is thy talk page, please note that thou art deceased. The great and noble knight John |
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Luna has awarded you a cookie! Now go play in traffic. |
Smash!
A group of users including Luna and John have been squished by a whale!
Don't take this too seriously. One of the story-writers, Fenris2010 just wants to let you know that the group of users including Luna and John did something really silly, which may or may not include angering Evil Reboz because the random person John killed was Evil Reboz's assistant.
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alula was here |
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ㅤ DaniPine3 was planted in this user's page :] |
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Pichu has invaded this userpage. You cannot stop him. |
“”Bill Cipher was Here!
Bill Cipher was Here!
“that's... not how you do a "was here" template, bill.”
“”Yes it is!
Yes it is!
“All of you do realize that John and Luna just got crushed by a whale, right? The main characters just got crushed by a whale.”
“I think you should be aware of the hardships that creating a story using only templates can have. I, being the great writer that I am, surely would be able to perform such task; but you people don't seem to be capable, as it is proven that in the incoherent plot -if it can be even called a plot, that is- you have just started writing, all you managed was to kill the main characters. Truly an underwhelming performance...”
“oooohhhhh, a new story for me to eat!”
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“Screw off pesky cat. Stories aren't meant to be eaten! They're made to get me paid.”
“oh hi there mr. wilde. i’m so sorry i couldn’t break you out of that prison back in 1896, i was busy eating the first ketchikan mormon church at the time”
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“Don't act as if you were a righteous being; you know damn well the only reason why you wanted to free me was so that I could end in your stomach.”
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This is a pipe bomb.*asplodes* |
“Oh no, a pipe bomb! *explodes into 500 bits*”
“ha get pwnt mr. wilde”
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“hey wait why am i getting deja vu all of a sudden”
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Get fucked. |
Thank you all for meeting me in the Accusing Parlor tonight. If you're wondering what "j'accuse" means, and why I ran screaming it through the whole house, it means "I accuse" in French, and it's what people say when they accuse people of murder. I trust you know why we're all here. After I was mysteriously invited to this party, and after people started mysteriously dying, I decided to put my internet degrees in Criminology, and Criminography, to good use. But to accuse people of homicide, I have to start at the beginning.
The Chilling Investigation
The First Murder: the story-eating cat
I have discovered that the first murder was committed in the cupboard
with a rusty revolver right after dessert! There, right in the middle of everything, was the PWNED body of the story-eating cat, the first of the three murders of the evening. After some clever investigation, I saw that, clutched in her right hand, was a pink ribbon... This was interesting, considering the conversation that had occurred at the dinner table... COLONEL MUSTARD!
At Dinner
I think we all remember the story-eating cat bragging about her job as an iguana farmer. I remember the conversation she had with the Colonel being very awkward: full of pauses and hiccups and throat clearing. Also, she ordered a strange dish for a woman in her position: the macaroni and cheese. That dish has special significance in Massachussets, as the Colonel well knows. Now, I know for a fact that the Colonel had served overseas in that region for nigh five years. However, dinner was not the only thing linking the Colonel to the crime. It was the second murder that convinced me to start looking for clues.
The Second Murder: Pichu
The second murder occurred two hours after the first. Pichu was found with a look of surprise on his face in the treehouse with a spear sticking out of his chest. In there with him was a wig made of gorilla fur. I recall him telling us, before he went outside, that he had some "business" to take care of. I thought that it was strange that he would go outside so abruptly in the first place, because it was cold. And also there were bats. I don't like bats.
Pichu
There are some things that you all must know about Pichu before we continue. I had a personal investigator research his past before I called you all in here. Here's what we now know:
- AGE: It's hard to believe it, but Pichu was nearly 97 years old. It's odd, I mean, considering what he did on his days off.
- HOBBY: I have discovered that Pichu had a penchant for cow tipping down at the docks. He has, on numerous occasions, used his knowledge of this hobby at his job.
- OCCUPATION: Pichu used to be a writer on Star Trek until he was fired... for mysterious reasons. Reasons that neither I nor my investigator could uncover. I'm almost positive that he held a grudge for what he probably saw was an indignity. This grudge manifested itself in strange ways. Few of you probably know of Pichu's sordid past.
- SORDID PAST: Pichu has been convicted on several misdemeanor counts of mayhem. Considering the story-eating cat's occupation, I believe you can ALL see the connection.
This leads me to the, for lack of a better word, "AWKWARRRD" between he and the story-eating cat at dessert-time.
Dessert
You may all recall the conversation at dinner, when Pichu challenged the story-eating cat to a Greek wrestling match. When she refused the fourth time, Pichu seemed discouraged. When she accepted on the fifth time, Pichu forced us to watch the two of them play for two hours, and he forced the third murder victim to keep score.
The Third Murder: Alula
Four hours after the second murder, Alula was found. She had been hung by a rope in the upstairs closet. If you recall, she kept score of the "game" between the story-eating cat and Pichu. However, I bet you didn't know that she was an accomplice to Pichu's various crimes! For 8 months, Alula was the chief lookout of Pichu's illegal knife importation ring! That's right. I bet you didn't know that.
The Evidence
The Murder Weapons
The murder weapons, you all may have noticed, were all items from Wal-Mart. You also may have noticed that all the murder weapons, except for the suspicious golf trophy, were stained with the victim's blood afterwards.
The Satin Glove
At each crime scene, a satin glove was found. Oh wait, did I not mention that? Sorry. Aaanywho, the gloves were all of the same size, and Colonel Mustard was seen wearing one at dinner, during the wrestling match, during dessert, and after he found the body of Pichu.
The Suicide Notes
At each crime scene, the victim was holding a suicide note. The suicide note was always written in a firm aristocratic lettering with a blue 1997 model BiC fountain pen on parchment scented with whale oil. Of particular note was the suicide note found with Alula, which was signed "CM".
The Suspicious Cook
The cook, who only spoke in Yiddish, was especially suspicious, considering that he was of Korean ancestery, wore a long twirling mustache, and had a tattoo of two dragons being intimate on his forearm.
The Missing Rifle
Even though it was never used, the rifle that was hanging in the trophy room disappeared right before the lights went out.
The Electric Failure
Right before, or after, the murder of the story-eating cat, the lights went out. I know that the fuse box is outside, far away from the murder scene. I also know that THE COLONEL used to be an electrician before joining the Coast Guard. However, I will need time to process this information.
The Confession Note
The confession note that was found with the suspicious golf trophy reads as follows:
Being of sound mind and body, I, the suspicious Asian chef, hereby declare that I committed all the crimes, and take full responsibility. It was not any of the other guests, including the handsome Colonel, and I did it. I did it, I killed 'em. Signed, CM
However, I'm not fully convinced that the suspicious Asian chef really did write that note, considering that he only spoke Yiddish. It goes in the evidence pile anyway, as evidence that the suspicious Asian chef was lying.
The Suspects
After considering all the evidence, and gathering all the clues, I have narrowed down the list of suspects to four.
Me
Every good investigator has to include all the options. Maybe I just forgot that I committed them. Maybe I was drunk. Maybe I was under hypnosis. Maybe I forgot that I forgot. Maybe I was drunk while under hypnosis. I'm not sure. Anyway, I will recuse myself from this investigation because I'm cool like that.
You
Well, I mean, since there's only three of us, and since your signature, "CM" was on all the "suicide notes", I'm guessing it's you, Colonel. However, like you said earlier, it's true that I could have forgot that I committed the murders, and it's true that I wasn't paying attention the whole time, and it's true that I also know how to fire guns, and it's true that I'm not perfect. Okay, okay, calm down. We still have two more suspects to go.
The Chef
The chef, being an Asian, is almost at the top of my list. Asians are a tricky folk, full of tricks and trickery. In spite of that, he was gone when the murders were committed, and his hand didn't fit in the satin glove, which basically clears him... Okay, okay, it's true that he could have a twin... and he IS Asian... and that confession note was nearly suspicious...hmmm...
Indian Burial Grounds
This all could be a horror movie, and we're living in a house built on ancient Indian burial grounds. I mean, it could be.
The Conclusion
It is as I always suspected: THE CRIME...is unsolvable! I don't understand the link between the clock in the dining room stopping and the second murder. Or the hamster that the story-eating cat brought with her and the missing hunting rifle. Or the suspicious cook, the suspicious invitations, and the bookcase full of human skulls. Or the broken lamp in the living room. This crime is unsolvable, and I'm getting the HELL outta here. I've had enough of this nuthouse.
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This user is a cat. They're just standing on two legs to make people believe they're human (and failing horribly at it). |
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This user is owned by one or more cats. |
 | The user that the userboxes refer to is a guy named Draco. |
“y'all i'm not dead what the hell alula's not my accomplice either who even is alula anyway”
“wait a second, this isn't a story at all, is it? it's just a loosely connected collection of personalized templates. i can't eat that, i have standards! although i AM kinda hungry right now... guess i'll eat the remains of oscar wilde then”
~
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Somebody set up us the bomb. For great justice take off every 'zig'. |
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Score: 1 Elapsed Time: 1702 hours
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| Keep (1) | |
| Delete (2) |
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| Comments |
Aw fuck. They hate me here! 𝕺𝖘𝖈𝖆𝖗 𝖂𝖎𝖑𝖉𝖊, 16:21, 13 December 2024 (UTC) |
Keep. I likes the ASBOWAAT series! I can take a look this weekend and funny it up. 
Eat Yum Yum. “holy shit a vfd”
“I think they're vfding this page! HELP!”
“aw phooey”
Story 2
“Hold on a darn second, you can't start a new story that soon! The previous wasn't even a story to begin with... also can somebody help me there's a cat trying to eat me help hELP”
“fuck you oscar wilde”
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“i LOVE nibbling on fingers! especially the ones of sodomites!”
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“Hey, what's your problem with that? A bit of respect for sodomites! Without us, the world would be filled to the brim with unwanted, annoying children... also AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ”
“i hate gays”
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“Ah, so you're not just a literal everyrhing-eating demon, but also a homophobe as well! That's just great! I knew I shouldn't have come here, but no, my curiosity got the best out of me, and now I've being eaten by a cat... speaking of which, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“what? i don't eat people, i just nibble on their fingers until they bleed to death”
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“Hold on, so you're not the story-eating cat? Who are you, then? Also I think it was pretty much expected that now I'd say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“i'm a different cat. also i don't really have a name”
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“alright what did i miss”
“nothing. don't mind the fact that oscar's fingers are bleeding extensively”
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“holy cow”
“COULD YOU HELP ME GET SOME BAND-AIDS MY FINGERS ARE LITERALLY BLEEDING”
“nah”
“FUCK”
Oh Dear...
Hello, A story built one template at a time, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Unfortunately, we've noticed that your contributions - not to put too fine a point on it - have been crap. Basically, we think you're a spammer/vandal/10-year-old. But don't despair! We have ways to make you talk.. ahem. I mean, there are ways to get you out of this mess.
- Beginner's Guide
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No, but seriously.
blah moccasins reason your parents oozingly
grunting
grunting
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The Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia has awarded you a cookie! Now go play in traffic. |
Nooo noooooo noooo noooo noo. Noo nooo noo noooooo.
Nooo nooo nooo no no-ooooooo no July 27, 1998 (nooooo Wednesday February), noo no noo noooooo nooo nooo nooooooo.
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 | WARNING: Viewing this big red box is a violation of ASBOWAAT law. If you do not click off the page in -60 seconds, i'll be forced to pin you to a wall and make out with you, sloppy style. |
 | Oops! I didn't leave the article on time! |
| gay kissing |
| Oh noooooo! It seems that I'm going to get punished!!! I wonder what my punishment will be... :3 |
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| Oh crap, not the gay sex!!!!!! Well, I have no choice, so I guess I'll have to bear with the punishment... :3 |
Oh no, it's the nefarious mention of Gay Sex™️!!!
“Get out of here, Emperor Fenris! You're not letting me watch two individuals engaging in gay sex!!!”
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
well, where did the Gay Sex™️ go?
“There was a Gay Sex™️? I didn't know there was.”
“nooooo not my Gay Sex™️”
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This user doesn't care. |
YES |
This user does care. |
“Hey, no I don't! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!”
“That's a lie, I certainly do care!”
Absolutely not |
I'm the userbox, and i can confirm that Fenris2010 absolutely does not care at all. |
MEH |
This user is entriely neutral in this situation, and doesn't either care or not care about it. |
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This user is a moccasin, and as such doesn't have any opinions. At all. |
Fortunately for society, we have left all the gay sex and lesbian stuff way back earlier in the story. We already had ASB2WAAT for that, but Goatse is taking over that story. GLORY TO OPOSSUM, JACKSON AND COLONELKURTZ! WE SHALL PREVAIL OVER WHAT IS UNFUNNY WITH THINGS THAT ARE ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS UNFUNNY! BUT I AM KEEPING GOATSE OUT OF THIS STORY, BECAUSE THERE IS NO ROOM FOR GOATSE HERE, ONLY moccasins.also lesbians are moccasinless
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Wait, why is the entire page magenta now??? |
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No idea why, but it certainly looks cuter now that it's magenta... |
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meow |
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nyaaa~ |
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This user is a cat. They're just standing on two legs to make people believe they're human (and failing horribly at it). |
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This user is owned by one or more cats. |
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This user is a cat. They're just standing on two legs to make people believe they're human (and failing horribly at it). |
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This user is owned by one or more cats. |
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This user is a cat, and is tired of being a slave to other cats. |
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This user is a story-eating cat. |
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This user is a story-eating cat, and has also accidentally added Category:Feline Uncyclopedians to this story too! |
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This story-eating cat cannot tolerate that there are more than one story-eating cat in this page, and thus will proceed to eat the previous story-eating cat that added Category:Feline Uncyclopedians to this story. |
This is not an encyclopedia article. If you find this page on any site other than Uncyclopedia you are probably viewing a mirror site. Be aware that the page may be outdated and that the user this page belongs to may have no personal affiliation with any site other than Uncyclopedia itself.
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This user is not a cat. This user is a person. Cats walk on four legs. |
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This user is a cat. They're just standing on two legs to make people believe they're human (and failing horribly at it). |
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This user is not a cat. This user is a person. Cats walk on four legs. |
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Get fucked. |
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