Mr. Glargh
Mr. Glargh is a rather peculiar and infamous example of a fur seal. Best known for abusing cocaine and eating large amounts of eggs, Mr. Glargh was, strangely enough, adopted into a family of marsupials, who live with him in the town of Yakutat, Alaska. Mr. Glargh is notably poor-tempered and constantly pissed off at everything, especially creatures that dwell upon the land. As a result of this, Glargh refuses to learn any human language, and to this day he speaks only in the primitive pinniped language Sealese.
Early childhood[edit | edit source]
Mr. Glargh was born in Cordova, Alaska circa 2009; he was the vengeful runt of a family of seals. It is believed that at a young age, Mr. Glargh killed his own mother for not having an extra nipple for him to suck.
Local tales claim that Mr. Glargh was raped by a sea otter during his early sojourn in Canada, but the validity of these legends seem rather dubious.
Mr. Glargh learned to catch fish at a very early age, due to having very little access to his mother's milk as a pup. He got a bit too good at catching fish, since eventually he grew fat and lazy. He then began to flop up to humans and beg for food, but these begs would usually be declined due to his poor smell and terrible breath. Because of this, Mr. Glargh began to despise all terrestrial mammals, especially humans.
Manchildhood (err… sealpuphood)[edit | edit source]
As his previous options of food were now difficult for him to obtain, Mr. Glargh resorted to surviving by eating garbage. And you know what also digs through the garbage to eat things? Yes, that's right… Opossums.
A family of opossums somehow felt sorry for Mr. Glargh, so they took him in as part of the family. Mr. Glargh soon began to love eggs a bit too much, and he became addicted to cocaine, the drug which opossums derive their Bat Fuck Insanity from. Mr. Glargh became so fat that he could barely even move. Spoiled as he was, he continued to despise humans (and opossums), and he continued to beg for ever more food.
Recently, Mr. Glargh has lost some weight, but not all that much. At least he can flop around again.
Mr. Glargh should not be seen as a menace to society, for he is too fat and lazy to accomplish much. And it is important to remember that the Aracuan warlord CATSALBRO managed to brainwash Mr. Glargh into fighting for him, thus Mr. Glargh managed to eat the sentence-eating cat, not to be confused with the story-eater.
Appearance on Uncyclopedia[edit | edit source]
Mr. Glargh was introduced to the Uncyclopedia in early 2025, and since then, he has posted large amounts of requests for more eggs, all in Sealese. It appears that he does not realize that the vast majority of Uncyclopedians do not understand Sealese, and he hasn't quite realized that eggs cannot be transported through computers. A Canadian seal-whisperer seems to be the only human to ever befriend Mr. Glargh on the website.
What to do if you encounter Mr. Glargh IRL[edit | edit source]
If you ever visit Yakutat, Alaska, take great caution. Nearly every resident of Yakutat has had some sort of experience with Mr. Glargh. Our advice is:
- Don't try to feed Mr. Glargh. Tempting as it is, he already is spoiled and overfed.
- Wear a seal suit. While smarter than the average seal, he may still not notice that you are not quite the same as him.
- Learn a bit of Sealese. He may become aggressive from simply hearing words in any other language.
- Always carry bear spray, it works on seals as well.
- Recruit a seal as an ambassador. (Again, this is another reason why learning Sealese is important for handling Mr. Glargh.)
