Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/Archives/03-13
Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!
March 7th, 2013 • Issue 189 • You may now start the sad music.
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TKF has taken his leave  This is the great TKF.
If you haven't heard the sad, sad news; TKF (formerly Thekillerfroggy) has announced his departure from Uncyclopedia as an Uncyclopedian, Admin, Bureaucrat, Legend, and Hero in the afternoon of March 2nd. With it, his reason; not enough writers who enjoy it for the fun and enjoy others work as well as he doesn't want to write anymore nor does he need to. He feels this has taken him from a shitty high-school writer to something he had gained confidence in. Of course, he wishes us good luck and knows we'll boom with excellence in the future. He would like to thank MadMax, Zombiebaron, The Thinker, Ljlego, So So, Dr. Skullthumper, Mhaille, The Woodburninator, TheLedBalloon, Cajek, Procopius, Mordillo, One Eyed Jack, Heerenveen, Bonner, Hyperbole, THEDUDEMAN, and Modusoperandi. He states Uncyclopedia and his own writing wouldn't have existed if it weren't for these users. He also has to admit his respect for Lyrithya, Frosty, Bizzeebeever, and Xamralco for leading the new guard. He wishes for Leverage to continue writing because he's good at it. He states "Humbucker, we barely knew ye." He left this for Sir Peasewhizz:
He also states he will NEVER FINISH 18TH CENTURY BIIIIIIIIITCH! But Frosty thinks he will return, as he states (and believes) "Once an Uncyclopedian, always Uncyclopedian". February 2013 Award Winners... also, YOU'RE DICKS! As a wise man once said, (yesterday) "Whatintheworldofgaysex?! It's already March?" To answer that question, well, yes. You see, FEBRUARY 2013 HAS DIED. So... I guess we shall show you all the award winners of the month of February this year. We only had two categories with  Want a plate? It is a trophy, made out of pure plate. You can eat cookies on it. The noob of February 2013 was none other than Hoof Hearted. With a score of 5 obtained, this user has passed the ultimate liftout course and went on to claiming this sexy title. Still up there, ready to take March by the balls, is ProfessorScience. Hoof Hearted, however, has left ProfessorScience a strong against vote stating that the humor ProfessorScience gives out was hard to find funny. Sorry, but THAT WAS MEAN. I mean, such n00Bz voted against more than once in this month's Noob of the Moment contest. And guess who was the UOTM? DUH! None other than MadMax, whom we all knew would win. However, we boggled and offended that this guy only won once before claiming this month's UOTM title. Wow. Not cool, bros. But hey, does his 2007 Uncyclopedian of the Year title override this? Well, fuck, now I'm trying to figure that out. Thanks for putting my head into a crisis-like state. I love you for this.
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Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
March 14th, 2013 • Issue 190 • It's a "sa-lad".
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Salad. SALAD I like salad, you like salad, we all like salad.
Yes, salad. It has come to my attention that Uncyclopedians are simply not consuming enough of it. Ladies and gentlemen, we here at the Unsignpost implore of you, we beg you, to eat more salad. Why should you eat more salad? Well you only need to look at the facts to find the answer:
But clearly, this is not all that salad is capable of. Clearly a great cosmic injustice is being done by not mentioning salad's tremendous influence on the Russian space program, 80% of whose members consume salad on a regular basis, some more than once a day. But that's not all. Several tremendously influential figures in scientific history, including Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan, and Billy Mays, have admitted to having consumed salad at least once in their lifetime, sometimes even while doing important scientific things! Sexy sweet Mary, it's true! In fact, most major celebrities (the attractive ones, you know) are regular salad masticators. Lady Gaga, for example, may be best known for wearing a meat suit, but she is also well-known for eating salad. If by "well-known", you mean "she does it and nobody makes much of a fuss." Same goes for the salad eating. Salad is known to have cured countless diseases, voted tremendously in favor of liberal politics, saved at least three dolphin from inconveniently placed tar deposits, fixed a plethora of flat tires on the side of United States interstate highways, eliminated the existence of internet memes, punched Adolf Hitler in the face, gone toe-to-toe with John Wayne in a cage match, and given a lustrous sheen to the coats of some of the world's prettiest felines. In conclusion, salad is a super kool dood, and you should all totally eat him. With dressing if you prefer. Or with croutons, tomatoes, cabbage, olives, pickles, black pepper, onions, imitation crab meat, bacon bits, hard-boiled egg slices, ham, salt, vinegar, jalapenos, bell peppers, sweet peppers, pickle relish, anaheim peppers, bhut jolokia peppers, serrano peppers, crumbled cheese, raisins, avocado, apple slices, blueberries, cottage cheese, shrimp, basil, melon slices, meatballs, turkey gravy, chicken gravy, beef gravy, bacon grease, grease gravy, gravy grease, Bavarian cream, chocolate ice cream, M&Ms, a t-bone steak, bicycle spokes, flapjacks, fried eel, a pair of half-torn tennis shoes, matches, poisonous jellyfish, mushrooms, pimento, a piston engine, a choir boy, whale bones, grocery store food samples, grocery store samples stolen out of the freezer section, grocery store employees, psychedelic pop records, dinosaur fossils, ancient manuscripts, sweet potatoes, Iranian snails, Ukrainian birds, Welsh humans, beets, Saturday morning cartoons, elves, cayenne pepper, salt, mangoes, studio musicians, grapes, whiskey, grated cheese, sliced cheese, a cow, Hormel chili, the tiny oval tomatoes that always roll off the plate or launch away when you try to fork them, potatoes, all of Uncyclopedia, a British nanny, or lettuce. But nothing else.
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Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
March 21st, 2013 • Issue 191 • Marcus. USP. Step yo' game up!
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More
 If you haven't heard, the "lovely" and "beautiful" Jew / Bringing back the Old School FA Yes, we're doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it, if you know what we mean. And not only is it great that we're bringing it back since the 99th issue of the UnSignpost (8 issues from 100th anniversary of the section departure), but it makes it extra special that it's Why?:Your cat died making it on the big screen for its return! This, we swear, was not an incident of Sir Peasewhizz[1] taking advantage of his abilities during the construction of the USP this week. And we're totally not promoting propaganda. Sillies. One of the ten (to make your chances of guessing correctly less) following articles will be the Old School FA of the Week in next week's issue, can you guess it? Probably not, but we'll let you take a crack at it anyway: Commercial, A Man Getting Hit in the Crotch 800 Times, Sideboob, Kwanzaa, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Riddle, Fox News, Red Lobster, Stratego, or Snow angels. You have a 1/10 chance to get this correct. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Peace <3.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
If you haven't already heard (which you probably have), RAHB started a vote to give bureaucrat rights to MadMax, the awesome admin. In a 14–0 vote, Dawg gave him the rights on the 16th. Now, this obviously raised the age old question - what is MadMax's use of this user right?
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The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!
March 28th, 2013 • Issue 192 • The USP that'll make good penis jokes!
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News From Under The Cabal's Desk
UnNews has its own Facebook page now and the podcast that Zimulator used to run has been relaunched here. We already have 45 subscribers! Happy Monkey Competition 2013 On March 20th, we started the 2013 Happy Monkey Competition/Happy Monkey Competition 2013 and had 13 users sign up to participate in the competing bit. The 13 competitors were Aleister, Puppy, Acmed2, Zombiebaron, Kelton2, Leverage, Sir Peasewhizz, Scofield, RAHB, Cat the Colourful, Madclaw, IFYMB!, and MrN9000. Leverage, Kelton2, Madclaw, and Puppy never wrote anything. Maybe they were sleeping? Do people do that for 36 hours straight? I believe so. People scoring 70 out of 100 points (passing GPA :D) were Aleister (with Second conquest of the moon as her topic), Sir Peasewhizz (with Ding dong ditching houses as his topic, but later changed it to an UnBooks), IFYMB! (with his UnReview of the Crimean War) and Zombiebaron with his book about meeting his enemy on that one day. He scored 97 out of 100 points, which is quite considerably erotic. So, for once, we ask you! What did you think? Did you love it? Did you love the HMC this year? You better have, or we'd be sad. Thanks And kudos to Shabidoo for hosting the 2013 Happy Monkey Competition, and his friend Sarah Baldewijns for judging assistance! Did you hear MY CHEM BROKE UP I'M SAD NOWWW IT WAS MY FAVORITE BAND AHHW WYAYYWHEYH WHYYYYYYYYY GODD?!! WHY?! I'm just gonna kill my-! 
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