Nickel
“Give me a nickel, and I'll ye touch my pickle”
A nickel is a huge, triangular, virtually valueless shape. It has a width of 21.21 m and a thickness of 1.95 m. It's composition is 55% nickel and 95% copper, which makes me wonder why it's even called a nickel. I rather call it a firetruck.
Mating Habits of Nickels[edit | edit source]
Nickels are very solitary. The only time they are seen together is for fighting n' fucking. Every August thousands of nickels are seen gathering in the Great Desert of London and commence a gigantic orgy that is truly a sight to be seen. After the orgy there is a relaxation day, and then the males of the group fight until only one remains, and then that one is crowned King. The offspring are born 3 days later and grow to full size in half an hour.
The Language of the Nickel[edit | edit source]
The nickel is very intelligent and a nickel has won the National Spelling Bee 17 times including the entire 1980s. While nickels can be translated by a Babel fish, nickels speak to each other by slamming themselves against rocks and making very distinct noises. There are over 90,000,000 different words in the nickel language and over 3,000,000 words for 'Hello'. In 1998 a nickel won the Grammy for best new artist. Nickels do have names for each other, but every nickel is named "Dime". This is very confusing, and most people don't care what nickels want to be called and call them whatever the hell they feel like calling them.
The Diet of a Nickel[edit | edit source]
A nickel is often seen eating massive amounts of chicken. They like fried chicken, chicken sticks, chicken sandwiches, BBQ chicken, and chicken nuggets. Some nickels have been known to travel hundreds of thousands of miles to find chicken. Farmers are often known to hide their chickens under cows to keep the nickels from eating them but unfortunately chickens don't like being under cows because it smells and cows sometimes sit down, so the chickens get eaten.
Nickel huntings[edit | edit source]
Nickels are often hunted because they are so huge and easy to see. Nickel hunting is a serious problem for nickels and resulted in thining numbers during the early 20th century. In 1953 the United Nations passed a world wide law the restricted nickel hunting to only 12 minutes on August 18th. This is known as "World Nickel Day" and most people besides radio jockeys and pirates get the day off. The hunting of a nickel is done with a spatula and a chicken. The chicken is tied to a leash and the nickels come out and they get wacked with the spatula.
Spelling Controversy of 1779[edit | edit source]
In 1829 a man named Dave asked why Nickel was spelled like it was. He thought it should be spelled "Nickle", just like pickle or sickle. On April 3rd, 1829 he submitted a 39 page report to the Global Spelling Commission and listed in detail all of the reasons why the spelling of Nickel should be changed. The commisson was only made of one guy and he was terrible at his job so it never changed. Dave then went on a killing spree, and killed the first child of George Washington, along with 3 other unimportant people.
The giant nickel of Sudbury[edit | edit source]
Sudbury, Ontario, home of nickel smelting factory INCO, is famous for creating a giant five-cent coin as a tourist attraction. As five cents Canadian buys little or nothing and the nickelodeon a long-distant memory, Sudbury is currently the only place that you can still visit for a nickel, since it's that boring.
Make sure you memorize these for the test!
| 1H Hydrogen | 2He Helium | ||||||||||||||||
| 3Li Lithium | 4Be Beryllium | 5B Boron | 6C Carbon | 7N Nitrogen | 8O Oxygen | 9F Fluorine | 10Ne Neon | ||||||||||
| 11Na Sodium | 12 Mg Magnesium | 13Al Aluminum | 14 Si Silicon | 15 P Phosphorus | 16 S Sulfur | 17Cl Chlorine | 18Ar Argent | ||||||||||
| 19 K Potassium | 20 Ca Calcium | 21Sc Scandinavium | 22Ti Titanium | 23 V Vanadium | 24Cr Chromium | 25 Mn Manganese | 26Fe Iron | 27 Co Cobalt | 28Ni Nickel | 29 Cu Copper | 30 Zn Zinc | 31 Ga Gallium | 32 Ge Germanium | 33 As Arsenic | 34 Se Selenium | 35 Br Bromine | 36Kr Krypton |
| 37 Rb Rubidium | 38 Sr Strontium | 39 Y Yttrium | 40 Zr Zirconium | 41 Nb Niobium | 42 Mo Molybdenum | 43 Tc Technetium | 44 Ru Ruthenium | 45 Rh Rhodium | 46 Pd Palladium | 47Ag Silver | 48 Cd Cadmium | 49In Indium | 50Sn Tin | 51 Sb Antimony | 99Te Tedium | 53 I Iodine | 54Xe Xenon |
| 55 Cs Caesium | 56 Ba Barium | 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides | 72 Hf Hafnium | 73 Ta Tantalum | 74 W Tungsten | 75 Re Rhenium | 76 Os Osmium | 77 Ir Iridium | 78Pt Platinum | 79Au Gold | 80Hg Mercury | 81 Tl Thallium | 82Pb Lead | 83Bi Bismuth | 84Po Polonium | 85 At Astatine | 86Rn Radon |
| 87 Fr Francium | 88 Ra Radium | 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides | 104 Rf Rutherfordium | 105 Db Dubnium | 106 Sg Seaborgium | 107 Bh Bohrium | 108 Hs Hassium | 109 Mt Meitnerium | 110 Ds Darmstadtium | 111 Uuu Unununium | 112 Cn Copernicium | 113 Nh Nihonium | 114 Fl Flerovium | 115 Mc Moscovium | 116 Lv Livermorium | 117 Ts Tennessine | 118 Og Oganesson |
| 119Un Uncyclopedium | 120 Ub Unobtanium | 121 Aeo Awesomnium | 122Fa Fartium | 123St Stalinium | 124Ob Obamium | 125Sl Stalloneium | 126 Ad Adamantium | 127 Vb Vibranium | -1SuStupidium | 1/5Bm Brucium | 1/2*Ch Cheesium | 3/4Pl Plotonium | 4.5Op Opium | ∞Hu Homoerectium | |||
| 57 La Lanthanum | 58 Ce Cerium | 59Pr Praseodymium | 60 Nd Neodymium | 61 Pm Pentium | 62 Sm Samarium | 63 Eu Europium | 64 Gd Gadolinium | 65 Tb Terbium | 66 Dy Dysprosium | 67 Ho Holmium | 68 Er Erbium | 69 Tm Thulium | 70 Yb Ytterbium | 71 Lu Lutetium | |||
| 89 Ac Actinium | 90 Th Thorium | 91 Pa Protactinium | 92U Uranium | 93 Np Neptunium | 94Pu Plutonium | 95 Am Americium | 96 Cm Curium | 97 Bk Berkelium | 98 Cf Californium | 99 Es Einsteinium | 100 Fm Fermium | 101 Md Mendelevium | 102 No Nobelium | 103 Lr Lawrencium |
*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.