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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Jesus' foreskin, also called the Holy Prepuce (Latin: præputium or prepucium) is the center of many archaeological digs and much Judeo-Christian folklore. Historical accounts of Jesus' circumcision and the location of his holy foreskin are scarce and varied, but Da Vinci's clay mold of Jesus' circumcised phallus is considered the most concise and famous account about the physical details of Jesus' penis and circumcision.

Born into a Jewish family, Jesus was most probably circumcised at his bris milah. There are rivaling accounts of Jesus' circumcision and the fate of his foreskin. Luke 2:21 reads: "And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called Jesus." The apocryphal Arabic Infancy Gospel claims the foreskin (others claim it was the umbilical cord) was preserved it in an alabaster-box of old oil of spikenard. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?

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In the news [edit]

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

April 11: "Fuck You John Milton" Day (U.K.)

1492 - First slice of buttered toast thrown into someone's face.
1667 - The blind, impoverished John Milton (Pictured) sells the copyright of Paradise Lost for £10 and buys a Milkshake.
1667 - On his way home John Milton is robbed, he hears the robber shouting victoriously "I Drink Your Milkshake" while running away.
1775 - Germany runs out of people to accuse of witchcraft and execute, and begins brainstorming on who to meaninglessly kill next.
1904 - Albert Einstein discovers that he's related to his sister
1984 - Mr. Rogers flips out and assassinates the Thomas the Tank Engine.
1999 - Rain of Tears memorial, mass suicides after first showing of Gigli
2009 - Somebody puts his helmet on backwards, his bike is immediately stolen because he can't see.

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By popular demand, the National Pet Association has released a new guide for the best household chemicals to use for exploding your dog. Caveat Canem, indeed.

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