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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

psst!

Hey, kid, c'mere.

I got something to tell ya.

Your friend pissing you off? Owe you 5 bucks? Maybe they lost your pet? Ate your Haagen-Dazs? Maybe even fucked your sister? Well, there's a way to get back at them: Burn their house down. I've done this a bit too much, and I paid the price. But I'll tell you how to do it and not get caught. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the bird is the word? (Pictured)

... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?

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In the news [edit]

One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake (Pictured)
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Florida Man found guilty of attacking Trump "as an alligator", sent to Alligator Alcatraz
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her football player boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Kids and pregnant moms trying to gain "super autism powers" by binging on Tylenol • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in Washington

Recent deaths: FUBAR • Cartoon Network on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) • Trump's pet sloth • Joe Burrow's toe • Robert Redford • Baltimore Ravens' pride • New York Mets' postseason dreams • The US Government's money • Jane Goodall

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger (in jail) • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Dallas Cowboys', Cincinnati Bengals' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump • Windows 10 • Kids and moms trying to gain autism powers from Tylenol

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On this day [edit]

October 1: International Start Preparing for Halloween Day, International Start Preparing for Christmas Day (people who don't like Halloween)

1919 - Woodrow Wilson falls down the White House stairs and is the first President to lose use of his left big toe.
1928 - The Soviet Union introduces its first Five-Year Plan, which is to come up with another five year plan in five years.
1960 - Nigeria gains independence from the United Kingdom. This event is celebrated by a solemn ten seconds of not sending spam emails.
1962 - Riots in Mississippi as Alabama wins the "America's most racist state" award. Alabama's victory brought to an end Mississippi's 30-year winning streak.
1979 - The Hunt For Red October officially began. It was supposed to start on September 28th, but they waited a couple of days to save them changing the name.
1998 - Raccoon City is destroyed by three cruise missiles and repeated aerial bombardment in an attempt to contain a T-Virus outbreak
2003 - Bournemouth recognised as a city by the British government, entire world shocked.

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