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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

The Metalheads are an ethno-religious tribe and primitive forerunner of the human race that display heightened levels of aggression, exceptional constitution, narrowmindedness, and a strong affection for loud, violent, evil-sounding, vaguely otherworldly (Brutal) music. They are widely accepted, by most academics, to be the basis for Gods and supernatural deities in all popular religions. While the average Metalhead sees himself as a rock god, the average person sees a woman in bad need of a new wardrobe. However, this dreaded aperture when presented on stage begins to shine like gold in the form of sounds manipulated via surprising mental and physical manual dexterity. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Pennywise the Clown wants to entertain you? (Pictured)

... the muffin man?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?

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In the news [edit]

"Time for a new political party that actually cares about the people!"

Diddy gets off easy, possibly due to bribing jury
Musk establishes "Porky Pig Party" to combat Trump's "Big Beautiful Bill" (Pictured)
United Nations Secretary General gives up on world peace, World War Three begins
Netanyahu and Khamenei get it on
- Trump joins in for threesome, blows load
- Khamenei fails to follow up after dirty talk, taps out
Elon Musk breaks up with Trump
Trump sends condolences to "Sly Stallone"
Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise
THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Animal-related live-action remakes kicking Snow White's ass • Jaws 50th anniversary • Colorado Rockies game replacing Jaws airing • Israel/Iran "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime

Recent deaths: Fear Street: Prom Queen • John Redcorn • Brian Grazer's career and livelihood, and anyone's respect for him • Sly ~~Stallone~~ Stone • Brian Wilson • Ariana Grande's Nonna • Canadian team's bid to win the Stanley Cup, again • PF4Eva's headphone cable • Jimmy Swaggart • Diddy's freedom for only 20 years

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • New York Knicks' future success • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Dumbasses with fireworks in their backyards • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits

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On this day [edit]

July 2: Canada Day (Canada) (if July 1 falls on a Sunday (which it didn't)); Confusing Parentheses Day

1492 – After becoming extremely confused by oceanic parentheses, Christopher Columbus arrives in The New World, believing it to be China.
1566 – French astrologer Nostradamus dies. Didn't see that one coming, did ya Nostradamus?
1698 – Thomsas Savery patents the first steam engine, designed to mechanically move a horse's legs so as to reduce the amount of effort required to pull a horse-drawn buggy.
1882 – Oscar Wilde reaches the height of his celebrity, arriving to the premiere of his play The Importance of Being Earnest in a luxury stretch horsebuggy.
1947 – A weather balloon crashes in the desert near Roswell, New Mexico. The Army covers up the loss of the weather balloon by claiming it was an alien spaceship.
1962 – The first Wal-Mart opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas. The primitive version of the store offers only guns, confederate flags, and bullets.
1996 – Aliens attack the world, destroying New York, Los Angeles, Washington D.C., everywhere else. Bill Pullman, Will Smith survive.

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A powerful tool for stereotype reassignment.

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