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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

In mid-2005, Satan had started to publicly question and denounce Tyson's recognition as the "Baddest Man on the Planet." When Tyson learned of this via an interview, Tyson grinned at the camera. Soon after this interview, Tyson challenged Satan to a professional boxing match in order to see "who the baddetht man of the planet really ith." Satan accepted and arranged for the fight to happen in Hell.

For Tyson this fight was for all the marbles: lose, and his soul would be damned to Hell; win, and his soul would be taken into the Kingdom of Heaven.(Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that I'm coming to get you? (Pictured)

... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
...that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
...that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
...that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?

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In the news [edit]

"It's for the children's own good!"

Trump fires Zakk Wylde
Trump sends condolences to "Ozzie Nelson," "Paul Hogan," "Luigi Mangione"
Epstein list predictions
Starmer bans pornography nationwide (Pictured)
Ozzy Osbourne remembers Uncyclopedia
Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!"
Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison"
Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever
Trumpman introduces Trumpmobile
Diddy gets off easy, possibly due to bribing jury
Musk establishes "Porky Pig Party" to combat Trump's "Big Beautiful Bill"
United Nations Secretary General gives up on world peace, World War Three begins
Lawyer is unable to remember what the trial is about, defendant is convicted of burglary

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Superman and Super Dog's movie doing surprisingly well • Israel/Iran and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Bill Cosby's TV son • Bryan Kohberger's freedom • Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • Joe Biden's credibility • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates

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On this day [edit]

August 3: Vague Day:

Way too long ago – Some large lizards were forgotten off the face of the earth... or something...
A long time ago – Some guy was born.
A little more recent – Some guy did something important. The guy with the hair.
hmmm – Uh... dang... <pffft>
Way back when – The guy who wears clothes invented that thing that people use.
A while ago – Two countries started a war. You know, that famous one with that big battle where a bunch of people died.
I can't quite recall – I think there was a battle.
Back before I was born – Some guy became the leader of some country.
In the good old days – France was invaded by a certain foreign power.
Sometime – Some lady called and left a message.
That one time, at band camp – Some rich dude went and did something or other to this one website
Then – Some famous guy or Some famous lady did something funny.
The other day – Someone did something.
The Other Other Day – this guy did something amazing
A little later – This other guy went somewhere
At some point – This one guy may or may not have done something that might be considered noteworthy in some circles.
Like, whenEVER – 'kay, like you remember that guy from the commercial with the, um, thing on his head? No, the OTHER one. Well, he gets shot I think, no, actually I meant assaulted in some way, by some other guy, or girl, and it's was sooooo all over the TV, or radio? I guess it took place somewhere.
Not too long ago – Poor people demolish a wall to create a bit more living space somewhere.
Around 1995 – That TV show is cancelled. You know, the one with that guy, always wore a shirt... c'mon, help me out here.
Y'know, that day – That guy, with the hat, and that other guy, they do those things they do, y'know, with the monkey, and the bar, and that hat they always used in the ... the uh, commercials.
Two days before the Day after Tommorrow – Your Mom did something that she usually only does on Saturday nights up at Nob Hill.
When was it again? – People could vaguely remember when is Vague Day
Around that one time – You vaguely remember what happened that one night.
A long time from now in a galaxy far, far away – Some dude invents some thing that does something that for some reason makes him meet some alien race somewhere.
Sometime between the beginning and end of time – someone avoids direct answer
Just recently – This joke about being vague got really old.
around nowish – Something about something vague was vaguely reborn like that one guy long ago.

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Picture of the day

A screenshot from Age of Umpires II: Age of Cricket. In this example, we see the classic "Shotgun-Seven" formation being used to maximum effect. Any good Umpire would note that this places a good deal of emphasis on the left side, making it easy enough to sneak in the stray foul wicket.

Image credit: Hindleyite
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