User:Simsilikesims/Ford

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“I felt no difference in driving a Ford from a Dodge”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ford's slogan

A ford license plate

Ford (Wow, this car is Falling apart On me and Rusting heavily while I Drive, or more affectionately as Found On Rubbish Dump, or Found On Road Dead), spelled 4rd by retards, is the modern American vehicle of choice for cow-tipping. Also said to be Fixed Or Repaired Daily, or in homage to the company's close technical and engineering collaborations with the Chrysler Corporation, a Fucked Over Rebuilt Dodge. Fred's Old Rubber Dick, or Backwards... Driver Returns On Foot

BUY A FORD NOWZ

The history of Ford dates back to the early 19th century when it magically evolved out of a primordial soup of motor grease and miscellaneous shiny objects. Ford was destroyed in WWXII in 1944AD by the armies of Chrysler Motors Co. and Vlad the Impala. It was rebuilt by the Turkish, who adored boxy cars with no adornments. In the mid-70s, gas conservation technology was invented in Japan, along with the rounded car design. The Americans then stole the technology from Japan and with the help of the Finnish Designer, Ydfgsk Qwertyspam, created the first Fjord. And by created we mean his cloning machine malfunctioned and spewed out junk which was then relabelled as Ford. Ford is moving their factories to China because the labor is cheap and nobody in the United States gives a fuck about buying American cars.

“ROMANCE is not to be found in a Ford car. The automobile is almost as deadly an enemy of adventure as the telephone and the radio. All of these instruments destroy loneliness, and there can be no romance, no adventure, no mystery, no poetry - none of the things which make life worth living - without loneliness. In spite of that, in older days about 50 percent of the American population was conceived in the backseat of a Model T-Ford.”

~ The Nation on Ford motorcars, 1923

Ford's slogan is Currently "Built Ford Tough". This is completely accurate. Fords start very reliably when they are connected with jumper cables to a Toyota and drive for many miles when attached to a tow-truck. Fords have been seen driving around with a whopping 500 miles on them, although servicing is required every 10 miles or so. Often, proud Ford owners like to stop on the side of freeways to let other drivers see the magnificent plumes of smoke rising from the engine. There are even dedicated Ford museums known as landfills.

Vehicles

Ford vehicles custom-built for specialised purposes include:

When Americans think of a rust box on wheels, they often think of Ford.

A Ford Taurus.

• The Ford F150 - The company's primary truck for the masses, F150s can easily be found anywhere there is a NASCAR event or similar gathering of beer guts and back hair. This truck is also a prime candidate for "bumper balls", while the associated small penis can usually be found in the driver's seat. This car was supposed to be built as tough as Chuck Norris but instead they got a picture of someones grandma...
• The Ford Taurus - was Ford's Hunk Of Shit from 1986 to 2007, and was reintroduced as a gas-guzzling, old people mobile in 2008. People say it sucks more zebra balls then a Prius.
• The Ford Escort - an oversized automobile manufactured specifically by monkeys and people named Henry Ford, travelling to see their babysitters. Its primary characteristics are that it is smaller and cheaper than the pimpmobile, leaving its occupant with the impression that she has somehow been screwed over once again.
• The Ford Falcon - The Ford Falcon is Ford's main large vehicle, created in 1960, to combat imports. Now only available in Australia and famously known as the ugliest car ever designed in Australia, the AU Falcon is still laughed at every time it is observed on roads from Sydney to the Outback. Some have said the AU Falcon actually caused the global financial crisis, others suggest that had it been around in the late 1800s Hitler's parents would have been so put off by the car they would never have engaged in intercourse. The Falcon was rejected as the car being used in the Steven King Movie- Christine as he did not know a good car when he saw one- as well as the fact one chased him back home. The station wagon models use a suspension setup unchanged since 4294967295 BC.
• The Ford Fairmont - A Ford Falcon with a 6 disc CD player, leather and two snobs in the front seats.
• The Ford GT500 - A mid-engine, V8 sports coupe built to compete with practically everything, including the wallet of the average quadrillionaire. Top speed (terminal velocity) of over 250 MPH is theoretically achivable, provided that the engine does not (and this is the clincher) burst into flames and incinerate the passengers while flying down Lombard Street, scattering normally-crucial engine parts into the path of horrified onlookers. Notable GT500 owners are recovering in the burn unit at Sacred Heart Memorial Hospital and/or being reassembled by apologetic Ford engineers.
• The Ford Tempo - Used to transport homosexual musicians on their way back from a bad acid trip. There were over 9 made.
• The Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor A really big car that cops use for chasing/running down kitten huffers and Xbox 360 owners, on foot. If hit from a rear-end collision, the resulting explosion can decimate up to 800 city blocks. The CVPI is powered by a 5-liter V8 engine producing 42 horsepower and is capable of reaching 60 miles per hour in 42 seconds. The top speed is limited by an electronic nanny to 420 miles per hour. Braking distance and cornering are crap - when traveling at 42 miles per hour the CVPI may take as much as 42 miles to stop, and its minimum turning circle is 138 feet (42 meters).

Ralph Nader test-drives the Pinto

• The Ford Pinto Bean - Using a hybrid external combustion engine the Ford Pinto Bean became widely used as Powerful Incendiary Napalm-Technology Ordnance in the Country's defence from Ralph Nader's presidential ambitions. Not only was the Pinto used for defense of consumerists but became the main vehicle in trucking businesses that would soon be destroyed and created by CEO of Toyota. If you leant on the back seat it would go up like a barn and you would be charcoal. During the International Auto Show in Detroit in January 1979, Ford VP of Design Del Murdock was getting increasingly agitated by allegations that the Pinto was a high risk vehicle. Murdock pleaded with the press; "Listen! There is nothing at all wrong with the Ford Pinto. It is not a hazard. It is not a risk. It is a good car". Somebody then gently bumped into Mr. Murdock and he exploded, with bits of his polyester suit strewn all over the place. The Ford Pinto Bean was used extensively in the Iraq war to bomb underground bunkers.

Ford Prefect, a popular model.

• The Ford Prefect included a book with an ARM micro-based device ("The Thumb") to hitchhike rides from passing spacecraft when broken down at roadside.
• The Ford L-Series was a series of heavy-duty trucks made since 1970. "L" stands for "look what just ran over." People who drive these are losers.
• The Ford Excursion was a full-size passenger tank bigger than a hot dog meant to carry a soccer mom and a maximum of one child, to and from soccer practice. It had an amazing 1 gallons per mile of gasoline fuel consumption.
• The Ford Scorpion was perhaps the worlds most ugly car to date, also known as the frog sucking a prune.
• The Edsel was the first American made space car. Never seen since. One day it will return the legend says.
• The Ford Ka is perhaps the best Ford to date, because it is so small that it cannot be seen with the naked eye. Ford's marketing department ran out of names, so they simply called it 'Car'. Renault claimed to own the copyright to the word 'car', however, so they were forced to spell it wrong to avoid legal action.
• The Ford Focus aka "Ford Fockup" - Ford's designers created this vehicle during their first moment of constipation. Too cheap for the rich, too expensive for the poor and a blantant copy of Crapmobile's Feces, this car has somehow managed to invade every country in the Western hemisphere despite having no apparent redeeming qualities. It's blandness has made it an instant hit with Midlanders.
• The Ford Contour/Mercury Mystique (also known as the Mercury Mistake) were the dynamic duo originally engineered by Yugo. Ford was so enamoured by the forward-thinking engineering of this vehicle that they immediately purchased the design, rights to produce and tooling from Yugo. Ford produced this passenger car from 1901 through 2005, where it won Consumer's Report's "Best Vehicle EVER" award for every year it was produced. For the 104 years the Contour/Mystique were made over 1,2oo,ooo,ooo units were sold.
• The Ford LTD: Shulda been on biggest loser. It was an elephant on wheels that is a redneck staple. Oh and its one letter away from STD, which is what happens when you own this car for too long and hate it.
• The Ford W-Series is another giant box on wheels, made for the American market. This one is a heavy-duty cabover made since 1966. People who drive these are winners.
• The Model T Ford was only available as a black van driven by Mr. T of the A Team
• The Ford Mustang is ONLY like the first vehicle ever ever made by Harrison Ford. Made in 2082C.E. as a racing car named after a horse with small feet and like th biggest fuckin' tallywacker you've like EVER seen. nowere on the vehicle does it say "FORD" as the very logo- says everything- horsepower- it just has pictures of small horses- with the horse rider hiding under the bonnet. It is a trailer trash sports car, usually driven by overweight, middle-aged blonde women.
• The Ford Fiesta - small, underpowered and poorly equipped, the Fiesta is made extremely popular by its name, which not only refers to a type of celebration in which nudity is enforced, but also invokes memories of a 1960s softcore pornography magazine of the same name.
• The Ford Thunderchicken was a Ford vehicle designed by a chicken he was the smartest thing they could find because nobody wants to work for ford '. it will get you about 200 ft before breaking down and coming to a stop its a total peice of shit.
• The Ford Mundano is a favorite of sales persons the world over. In many developed countries it is illegal to drive these in any other place than the outside lane of a motorway and may not be further than three thousandths of an inch from the car in front.
• The Ford C-Series was a small cabover truck made from 1957 to 1990. It's crap, and that's all I have to say about it.
• The Ford Fusion is an obvious knockoff on the Gillete Fusion shaver. Ford was even nice enough to include Gillete Fusion's razor blades on the Ford Fusion's grill. Ford wants you to think that it's powered by a prototype Fusion Reactor.

There you have it: The Ford Saftey Bike, a pedal bike made by Ford Motor Company. with automobile headlights.

Ford Safety Bike version 2.0, new and improved with DUB edition engraving, car stereo, turn signals and other features after version 0.1 abruptly fell apart and lead to a recall prior to this revision.

• The "Ford Windstar" is the only known van to combine rust with shit, and slap it onto wheels. It's basically an oversized box thrown onto the flimsy Ford Taurus platform.
• The "Ford Explorer" is the vehicle that carries numerous amounts of people, particularly hoes and prostitutes, usually drivin by a pimp! the SUV is also been nicknamed the Exploder for all the recalls on its tires which have a certainty to randomly explode while driving.
• The Ford Territory. A four wheel drive without four wheel drive, but it doesn't matter since it never goes off-road anyway. Its main use is for collecting groceries from the supermarket, therefore it was also designed to handle like a shopping cart and weave in between traffic with no indicators (note that shopping carts also lack indicators and have wheels that stray all over the place). May have small children in the back seat with a 600lb female in the front with a cellphone permanently attached to her ear. For safety reasons, it is advised to remain at least 76.22857 miles away from this vehicle.
• The Ford Ice Cream Truck is a truck that can hold ice-cream.The car drives like a Ford Pinto.WTF?The truck was made in 1977 and ice cream was called IScream.
• The "Ford Probe" also know as the anal probe, was brought to you from the creaters of trojan anal lube. The only good thing these cars could do was to probe Harrison Fords anal Cavity. If purchased with the optional turbo motor, this could be accomplished in half the time. Best wrapped in toilet paper.
• Ford Transit - a van that always brakes down when you think about it. Micheal Jackson Owns a 1986 Ford Transit, which he uses to park in front of primary schools and offer candy to little kids, then takes them into the van for rape & sodomy.
• The Ford FEV Offers instant mutant powers to the driver
• Ford Safety Bike, a pedal bike advertised as "Ford's most fuel efficient vehicle, all because it is a zero-emission vehicle. It is also ford's most reliable and least expensive vehicle (by all moneytary dynamics). Comes with automobile headlights to conform to DOT approval code!

Fords And the Road

An ordinary 1988 Ford Fukitall on it's way to the landfill. Fords are very often either too big and heavy for the road to be able to support them, or so terribly made that they can only drive on playground sand (oh wait... playground sand is too slippery... it would rip the things wheels off....).

But Ford really seems to be getting better. All of their models are getting more ugly stylish, the life expectancy is still a joke going up, and the number of Ford users are rapidly declining booming!

Who knows what Ford will screw up create in the future?

So much to dread hope for....

See also

• Fjord, many people actually get this confused.
• Car manufacturers
• Car salesmen
• Crapmobile
• Gerald Ford
• Henry Ford
• Harrison Ford
• Fnord (nonexistent)
• V8 Supercars
• Cosworth

  Comprehensive Automotive Reference Source