Second Finno-Korean Hyperwar

Second Finno-Korean Hyperwar
A mercenary hired by the Hwan, a common sight
Date 4029 BC-3098 BC (931 years) Location Orion Arm of the Milky Way, mostly Finnic & Hwan space colonies Result Both nations' fleets annihilated during the Battle for Proxima Centauri B (3097 BC) Territorial changes Hwan's mercenaries seize their planets while the Finns succumb to alien invasion (3097-3098 BC)
Belligerents
Finnic Galactic Shogunate	Gay Hwan Space Junta Sicario Mercenary Corps Various mercenary groups
Commanders and leaders
Joe Biden (Time Travelling Cyborg) Finnish Thunder God Ukko Physical embodiment of Latvia General Aino Adam Sandler	Kim Yo Jong Master Oogway Kaiser (Sicario) Monarch (Sicario) Cyborg Donald Trump General Blubub
Strength
2.3 Billion Helldivers 32 Billion Finnish Femboy Knights 2 Mercenaries The 67 Kid ~200 Trillion AI-enhanced Joe Biden Clones	9 Trillion Mercenaries 33 Million Hwan Irregulars Zeus 51,000 Orbitally-Deployed Trouts 1.2 Billion Hwan infantry MAGA Movement
Casualties and losses
Upwards of 99.67% of all combatants Most clones	Master Oogway Trump Most of MAGA Zeus 40,000 Trouts 87% of Hwan non-mercenary forces Most mercenary forces

The Second Finno-Korean Hyperwar was a conflict taking place between 4029 BC and 3098 BC. The conflict was extremely destructive, disabling almost every subspace route. The conflict would involve the newly-formed Finnic Galactic Shogunate and the Gay Hwan Space Junta, with mercenaries playing a decisive role.

Background

Proxima Centauri b, the FGS' capital planet.

In the aftermath of the First Finno-Korean Hyperwar, the Finns & Hwan would abandon their space colony due to the activation of the Giza Mass Autism Array. However, not all could be evacuated in time, and not all complied with the orders to abandon their space colonies. This would lead to the survival of roughly 8 space colonies: Delta Pavonis, Proxima Centauri, Barnard's Star, and Sirius on the hand of the Finns, and Alpha Centauri, Gliese 1002, GJ 20061, and Luhman 16 on the hand of the Hwan. The two would re-establish subspace routes and form two nations, as both of the groups' military remains took power: the Finnic Galactic Shogunate and the Gay Hwan Space Junta. The two nations would develop independently, not knowing of each other's existence. The Finns took a feminine turn, establishing their infamous Thigh-High Divisions and Femboy Knights, along with experimental autistic stormtrooper units. Meanwhile, the Hwan would turn to economics, with their military growing accustomed to political roles, making the country more of a dictatorship instead of a military junta, focusing on economics, much like Carthage before the Punic Wars, along with legalizing homosexuality. The two would be mostly equal in terms of behavior and culture (both being extremely gay), but would differ massively in all other forms. Throughout the years, the two would grow to conquer much of the Orion Arm, before making contact, where they would violently exchange hugs and kisses and sex. Shortly after, they would realize neither of them are in fact Finns/Hwan (depending on perspective here really). Eventually the realize this, and begin exchanging fire, the two convinced that they saw spooky aliens.

First Stages of the Hyperwar (4029 BC-3995 BC)

The first stages of the Hyperwar consisted of minor skirmishes, but were mostly filled with espionage operations, as both sides tried to figure out who was who and what was what. As the Hyperwar progressed, previous observations dismissed years ago as having not enough evidence, giving the two sides enough time to do figure out each other's capital planets. Among the skirmishes, one battle was of actual importance.

Battle of 82 Eridani

Map of the 82 Eridani system.

Among the Finnic colonies, one stood on the frontiers, frequently suffering from alien attacks. The colony, only having around 3,000 colonists, was of little importance. However, as part of the Hwan's strategy, they were going to first target the least important places, since they knew they didn't have the strength to attack major cities. As this was before the Hwan hired mercenaries, they would go through subspace and arrive at 82 Eridani. There, a large Finnic fleet had been engaging alien attackers for several hours, and inflicting great losses upon them. During this time, Master Oogway, commander of this fleet, would make the mistake of deciding to stay and engage the Finns. The Finns, although distracted, would fire several hyperEMPs, disabling most of the Hwan fleet. In a desperate attempt, Oogway attempted to maneuver the remaining ships through subspace to the edges of the system to bombard the Finns from a distance. This too was a disaster, as Finnic colonial stealth space hyperbombers were deployed and easily destroyed the remaining Hwan ships, killing Master Oogway in the process. The development shocked the Hwan, taking them by complete surprise. As a result, the Hwans would begin a brutal bombardment campaign.

Main events (3995 BC-3287 BC)

The main course of events began in 3995 BC, with the beginning of the Hwan hiring of spacefaring mercenary groups. With mercenaries hired, the Hwan would immediately begin research into weapons capable of destroying planets, though this would take several years. They would also construct the following fleets, as did the Finns:

Fleets

Hwan Fleets (italics denote mercenary fleets):

• MAGA Fleet lead by General Trump
• Hitman Fleet lead by Monarch
• Assassin Fleet lead by General Frenken
• Megahwan Swarm lead by General Kim Yo Jong
• Main Mercenary Fleet, comprising of several thousand unimportant mercenary squadrons
• Trout Fleet lead by General Blubub
• A shitload of sharks with fuckin' lazer beams attached to their heads which joined at the last minute lead by Chompingworthson the 19th

Finnic Fleets (italics denote mercenary fleets):

• Ice Cream Fleet lead by Joe Biden
• Sandlerian Fleet lead by Adam Sandler
• Uncyclopedia Squadron lead by OPOSSUM and Turb0-Sunrise
• Main Finnic Fleet lead by General Aino
• Holy Fleet lead by Ukko
• Potato Fleet lead by Latvia
• Shitfucklandian Fleet lead by the legendary 500 ft tall turd monster

These fleets would play an important role in the war, being deployed on varying occasions.

Battle of Luhman 16

Luhman 16B as photographed by a Finnic destroyer. Luhman 16A can be seen in the background burning brightly from the usage of plasma & autism missiles/rays respectively.

The Battle of Luhman 16 was a test of the Finns' offensive capabilities, occurring in 3984 BC. The Luhman 16 system had long been a Hwan colony, one of its primary sources of energy thanks to the mid-atmosphere Dyson swarm constructed by the Hwan. The Finns were able to trace Hwan hydrogen/helium convoys to the system, and would deploy the Sandlerian & Ice Cream fleets to the system to destroy the Dyson swarm of the Hwan. The Hwan had stationed the Trout Fleet there in anticipation of an attack. General Blubub would see the subspace signatures of the Finnic fleet approaching, and would order the Dyson swarm to be shut down temporarily to make it harder for the Finns to destroy it. Simultaneously, Blubub would descend his fleet just below the atmosphere of Luhman 16A, preparing to ambush them by making his fleet invisible. This ambush strategy would see great success, critically damaging the flagship of the Sandlerian Fleet, FRS Happy Gilmore. Sandler, in rage, would launch several thousand tons of golf balls via the Happy Gilmore's railguns, piercing through several minor Hwan ships. In response, the Hwan ships would fire back with HyperEMPs, disabling the Happy Gilmore. Sandler would escape from it, using a pod from it to land on the Hwan flagship HFS Blub, where Sandler would tear through the Hwan ship's crew with a plasma golf club, disabling most of it. Seeing the Battle as lost, the Blub and the rest of the Trout Fleet would retreat, not before Sandler used a Hwan pod to escape. As the Trout Fleet raced to escape the system, the Finns fired up experimental ships dedicated to autism rays, which would greatly damage the retreating Hwan fleet and drive many crew members to total insanity. Overall, the Battle was a major Finnic victory, despite the loss of the Happy Gilmore, whose sequel, Happy Gilmore 2, would finish construction 20 years later.

View of Vega from its one planet, prior to the battle.

Finnic Offensive Campaign

The Finnic Offensive Campaign would take up much of the war following the damage done at Luhman 16, encompassing over 50 systems and killing billions.

• Battle of Epsilon Indi: The Battle of Epsilon Indi was one of the shortest battles of the war. Lasting an astonishing 38 seconds, the Battle consisted of the MAGA and Potato Fleets of the Hwan & Finns respectively pulling up, exchanging 32 seconds of hypermissiles & autism rays, before pulling out due to extreme damage sustained. It occurred on August 7th, 3982 BC.
• Battle of Vega: The Battle of Vega was a crucial battle lasting several years, consisting of the Hwan's mercenaries as the defending force, namely Hitman and Assassin, and the attacking Finnic fleets, the Potato and Holy Fleet. The battle began on February 2nd, 3981 BC, with the subspace jump of the Finnic fleets to the area. The Hwan had the star and its one gas giant heavily defended, guarded by billions of orbital defense platforms and at least 200 Billion mercenaries, including Monarch and Kaiser. These aces would decide the course of the battle, destroying several Finnic ships. As the battle progressed, the Finns would utilize subspace routes to transport the Uncyclopedia Squadron in, who would face off against Hitman & Assassin. Uncyclopedia 1-9 would be shot down by Monarch, causing them to retreat, but destroy their subspace route back via hypermissile to prevent Hitman from following. The battle would be a brutal stalemate until the losses became too much for the Finns, earning the Hwan's one of their few victories on September 12th, 3973 BC.
• Battle of Upsilon Andromadae: Upsilon Andromadae was a relatively unimportant system held by the Hwan, but had become a major site for retreating or injured/damaged Hwan units. However, due to its relative insignificance, the system of 3 gas giants and 2 stars (a sun-like yellow dwarf and a red dwarf), it was not defended in any meaningful way, with only 2 orbital defense arrays on the east & west sides of the system. Able to trace subspace jumps from Hwan ships, the Finns would deploy their Holy Fleet, where they would find a variety of Hwan ships repairing, almost totally undefended and in no condition to immediately begin defending. Finnic space carriers would launch hyperbombers shortly after, which would almost totally obliterate the Hwan's MAGA & Trout fleets, along with several smaller battle groups. The orbital defense arrays would attempt to open fire using heat-seeking hypermissiles, but the Finns disappeared as quickly as they appeared in the first place. The Battle was a pivotal moment for the Hwan, who would use almost all of their money hiring every mercenary under the fucking Sun to compensate for the destruction of most of their fleet.
• Battle of Altair The Battle of Altair was one of the later battles here, taking place in 3367 BC. The Battle was generally a stalemate, with mercenary forces being the only defending forces, outmatching the Finns by skill alone. The Finns would manage to hit the only space station in the system after heavy losses, leading to a Finnic pyrrhic victory.

Stalemate (3286 BC-3089 BC)

An example of Hwan troops engaging in casual conversation between brutal charges that killed billions per battle.

For a short period of time, the Finns & Hwan were locked into a stalemate. Several battles raged on, with space combat generally over, as over the centuries, the two sides had finally developed methods to teleport troops directly onto planets via each side's Teleportation Platform (TP) This would culminate with all several trillion troops of the Finns & Hwan attacking each other from their other's own home planets, causing massive amounts of destruction on major city-worlds such as Low Charity. This period would see the relocation of many factories to orbit and the abandonment of most Hwan planets, save for a few villages & mercenary spaceports. This would lead up to the climax of the war, the Battle for Proxima Centauri B, as the Hwan shifted their strategy to destroying the Finns' capital instead of the grueling space combat they had been engaging in.

Climax (3098 BC-3097 BC)

The climax of the war began as almost every remaining Hwan & Mercenary fleet and commander would utilize remaining subspace routes to travel to Proxima Centauri B, where the Finns were rallying for one last push. The first moments went something like this.

"Wait, what the hell?" - Hwan commander 1 "Uh, we might wanna pull back. Those are a lot of Fin-" -Hwan commander pieces 1 through 9301

The unfortunate fate of many poor souls at the battle.

Basically, the Hwans were shocked to see so many Finns. In a panic, they opened fire with a volley of hypertorpedos, mercenary & Hwan hyperbombers, and railgun fire. The Finns would respond with the launching of trillions of femboy knights at Hwan ships, who infiltrated many of the largest ones and turned the whole crew into femboys. The Finns' ship hijacking did not mean the end, as many mercenary fleets were still arriving, including Monarch and Kaiser, who would intercept 3 trillion femboy knights each, helping the Hwans stay afloat during the battle. Mercenaries would quickly obliterate the Finns' space fleet using anti-ship hypermissiles and some mercenary torpedo bombers, along with experimental stolen autism rays. This would culminate in the explosion of the Happy Gilmore 2, though Adam Sandler mysteriously escaped to the present day. The Battle progressed into a meatgrinder on Proxima Centauri B's heavily urbanized surface provided the Hwan with many casualties thanks to guerrilla warfare. However, Finns succumbed to orbital bombardment, and Proxima Centauri B was almost lost. Then, in a terrible event, the Finns put all of their autism rays together, and assembled a sort of autism superweapon, activating it and turning almost everyone within 5,000 lightyears into an antisocial autistic femboy, save for mercenaries, who recognized the superweapon's assembly from the surface and used the last subspace route that they then disabled via hyperbomb to escape before it went off, seizing Hwan planets shortly after. The war was over, and quadrillions laid dead.

Aftermath

"Only me and ice cream have seen the end of war." ~ Joe Biden as he teleported back to the future dramatically

The aftermath of the war was devastating; with whole planets reduced to nothing but worlds of fungal forests feasting on the decaying matter of the dead. The surviving planets, however, would be converted into a variety of mercenary-ruled juntas, leaving billions upon billions under the boot of an actual boot. However, with the near total destruction of the Finnic government and second delivering of autism to the Finns, they would become even gayer and even more flamboyant, leaving the surviving factions splintered amongst so-called "Gaydoms", who each one by one fell to the Meowian Space Empire, a monarchist nation of cats ruling over most of the Milky Way thanks to their pioneering in autism weapons. The femboys of the Finns would be enslaved and eventually transported to the imperial core of Meowia, leaving the solar neighborhood barren, aside from the existing alien administration on Earth or whatever. Also pretty much every Finnic & Hwan commander not killed fled the galaxy.

Ta-da, the end.