Alien invasion

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
A routine visit for your friendly neighbours.

The Alien invasion of April 2006 was an invasion conducted by aliens that occurred in April of 2006. Searching for a place to build a new hotel in April of 2006, an alien species with an average IQ of 3500 (the equivalent of 3501 PE teachers) came to Earth to clear the planet for construction in April of 2006.

Many people had never heard of this historically important event, mainly because there was football on the telly.

Those who did witness this quasi-traumatic event thought it was a cryptic message from an alien race about the impending death and destruction of a small planet and its strange inhabitants. For this reason, the United Nations banned any and all manuscripts from being published and gave it a PG-13 rating.

Because Uncyclopedia believes in freedom of speech (but mainly because the UN doesn’t know where we live) we have decided to publish these a manuscript clearly depicting what went on during this minor inconvenience to humankind’s existence.

Good Evening, Earthlings[edit | edit source]

A photograph taken just before the invasion showing something fishy.

buzz...flick...gurgle...Good Evening, Earthlings. Please do not be alarmed by our huge purple spaceships zapping billions to death as we come in...err...peace. Yes, that's it. Peace. We are a race of hippies who have no thoughts of universal domination whatsoever. We would have brought the Kombi van if it wasn't getting repainted.

What's that Elquon? What do you mean their gullibility levels are not that low? But they voted John Howard in! Plan B? OK. Just make the 'buzzy flicky' sound effects again, would you?

Alright. buzz...flick...gurgle...Good Evening, Earthlings. Please do not be alarmed by our huge purple spaceships zapping billions to death. I'm sure if you asked some of the fatalities they wouldn't utter a bad word about it. Ask them. GO ON! ASK THEM!

I am Captain Fraxon Jr. and this is my co-pilot, Elquon John. We come before you...well...above you rather, representing a race of hyper-intelligent space hamsters from a neighbouring galaxy with the soul purpose of KICKING YOUR HUMANOID BEHINDS! You thought your neighbour was bad. Whoa. We ARE the neighbours from hell, let me tell you. Call A Current Affair by all means; we'll still be playing Eminem at annoyingly loud tones until 1 in the morning.

You may be asking a number of questions. 'Who?' 'What?' 'Why?' 'Where's the marmalade?' Tut tut. The time for asking questions is over, my enemies. It is time to make like a mirror and reflect.

We warn that HO HO HO! HA HA HA! Make like a mirror: reflect. That is good, isn't it Elquon? Give my scriptwriter a raise. No, not by the testicles. Yes, by the neck. Very good.

We warn that the following scenes may distress some victims. Don't worry; the distress will be temporary.

About Me[edit | edit source]

Saxxeld, I hate stereotypes.

Space hamsters (as you all should know) look almost exactly like your Earth elephants. Yes, that's right, light enters through our pupils and is focused on the retina by the lens. As aliens we hate all of your wexxun stereotypical views of us.

We share aesthetic features with hamsters (they have it on Monday, Tuesday & Friday). There are only three main differences between your hamsters and us. They are:

1. We are a metre long.

2. We have a vast pool of knowledge. It is most definitely better than your pool of knowledge because we tend to think you put too much chlorine in. We have mastered space travel, your language and constructed a large wheel to run around in all day! Hooray!

3. We find your Earth hamsters boring in that they seem to have no interest in world domination of any sort. Pack of wimps, they are.

We enjoy world domination, soft pillows and Wiis. You know, those things where you move a thing and the thing moves? Saxxeld, I love them! And the jokes my writer can make great jokes about them. You know...titter...he once said...chuckle...HE'S JUST GOING TO WII! How avant-garde can you get! I mean, the time he...bzzzzzzd...his grandmother in church was bad enough but...bzzzzzzd...that's pushing it.

Umm...we appear...bzzzzzzd...a technical problem up here, so...bzz...relax and we'll be back after this short break.

One Short Break Later[edit | edit source]

Well, welcome back to the action. We hope you enjoyed that short intermission and are ready for your destruction Take 2.

Due to a secret family problem I shall have to leave you for a few moments. It's nothing serious, but I don't want it being broadcast to a totally different planet that my wife has been screwing Doctor Who. I'll tentacle you over to Elquon.

Elquon's Hour[edit | edit source]

Hello, I am Elquon. May I just say how wonderful it is to be destroying you on such a lovely day. The colours are bright, aren't they? I like colours quite a bit. In fact, it was my idea to paint the fleet of destroyer ships bright purple. I figured it would relax you a bit as you were killed.

When inserted correctly, the pineapple is lethal. won't be long now. You know. The time when time is destroyed for you lot. Hope you enjoyed it while you could.

Almost time. Yes, Fraxxy should be back soon. Any second now.

Actually, did you ever realise that we say 'Any Second Now' to reiterate what we just said, but we never say after that 'Any Third Now'? Crazy, language is.

Ah. Here he is. So, without further adieu, I'd like to hand this fantastic new's purple as well. I mean, you have to stick to the colour scheme, don't you? I always wanted to be an interior designer, you know. I just love the way they handle the...Umm...Fraxxy? What are you doing with that pineapple? No...that hole isn't big enough! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Business As Usual[edit | edit source]

Please excuse the twitching body on the ground with a large pineapple protruding out of his ear. He was boring the reqwix off me.

We seem to be having many technical fleq ups today. The space-time continuum seems to be particularly holey.[1] We are in fact having a lot of problems with contradiction. The only thing that isn't completely fleqed is contradiction.

It happened! Contradiction is upon us! It's times like these I wish I'd listened to my mother.[2][3]

This is not only terrible, but wonderful. It's almost as bad as being drunk.[4][5][6]

We better take a short break that is substantially long.

The Plan[edit | edit source]

Right, that's it! No more technical fleq ups. We're going to explain this plan even if it kills you! Especially if it kills you.

Now, this...Ha ha! I get it. A glass of water is drunk. Roger Federererer, revive my scriptwriter, would you?

The plan is this: we destroy all lifeforms on this planet and take over. You should beware of the following things...they follow you everywhere. Pain in the reqwix.

We shall achieve this mighty feat with a sense of irony: we shall use Bush's plans for Iraq! Nothing can stop us!

To Cut A Long Story Short[edit | edit source]

The Earth is once again peaceful.

The aliens' quest for a humorous and humiliating way to kill was their undoing. The plan was not very good and therefore the aliens received a cruel flogging by Earth's national army of three supermodels and a slightly aggressive wombat. They were forced to flee to their home planet and work for Apple Computers.

Many people have protested that this story be banned on the grounds of: a) it being one of the bleakest moment in Earth's history and b) it not being very funny.

But Uncyclopedia believes in freedom of information

Punchlines[edit | edit source]

  1. Fraxon was strangely right. There were a lot of unusual disturbances in the space-time continuum mainly because it was Thursday.
  2. "What did she say?" Elquon yelled from the ground yanking hard at the pineapple.
  3. Fraxon replied "I don't know, I wasn't listening" and laughed manically at the poor joke.
  4. "What's so wrong with being drunk?" Screamed Elquon.
  5. "Ask a glass of water" Fraxon said, with a look in his face like a man who didn't get a corny joke. He then shot his scriptwriter.
  6. Do you think there are too many references in such a small section?

See Also[edit | edit source]