Mercenary

A mercenary is a person who takes part in an armed conflict, often uber elite soldiers who wear hip hop inspired camouflage and excessively customized apparel. They are professionals paid to fight in wars, protect and serve oppressive regimes (ex. United States of America, Chile, and Iraq), or work for shady right-wing Christian extremist Republican companies or corporations (see White House).

If you are filming a good old American biased patriotic war movie with racial undertones and/or imperialistic and/or republican agengas or a reality series that will save a certain network, you need mercenaries.

Mercenaries are paid with stolen money. Stealing money to pay mercenaries is easy, because people will frequently line up to give you their money with a smile on their face at any time whenever you please. However, finding mercenaries is exceptionally difficult.

How to find a mercenary

Because Uncyclopedia is the leading resource of reliable information on the internet all relevant information on mercenaries, including how to find said mercenaries, is provided on this page.

In a profile and send a message. However you should be careful, some countries believe that hiring "mercs" as they are also known as, is wrong and therefore illegal.

Recruitment & Training

Mercenaries typically must go through some type of traumatizing experience in a war and/or childhood before bringing death for money. Sometimes a client will provide training to their newly employed mercenaries, but is not necessary because of the typical mercenary's extensive experience in war. In the event of training, coursework will include emphasis on patrolling, raiding. Companies such as Blackwater will provide mercenaries with total immunity from any violations in United States civilian and military laws, as well as prosecutions.

The following is a typical, generic recruitment advertisement for mercenaries:

“ Are you a depressed middle aged Vietnam War veteran who wants to relive those glory days? Do you enjoy working in a fast paced environment where death is just one step away, no matter where you stand? Have you thought about looking for a point-man position guarding a shady company's interests in a war zone? Have an out-spoken criminal record in homicide or other life-sentencing acts of violence? NO PROBLEM. Because WE have the PLACE for YOU! ”

Mercenary Classification: A Guide to Mercenary Identification and Recruitment

This is the basic and typically most reliable mercenary type.

Private military companies

The common mercenary unit. However, because of a clean record of service, these mercenaries are the most expensive, requiring bonuses such as royalties and over-time pay. Money is the key to this mercenary's loyalty, and it is generally inadvisable to recruit this mercenary type if you have limited funds, unless you plan to kill the mercenary after his job to avoid paying up. However, if you are a tyrant in possession of your country's national treasury, then be prepared to shower gifts and gold, as this is the best investment possible.

Vikings

In addition with the above mercenary type, this is a generally good investment because:

1. They are cheap to hire
2. They are Vikings
3. They like to kill (the job is basically down itself)
4. They can be controlled to a certain extent (provided you give a them a piece of human arm to nibble on)

In the event you become a tyrant, this mercenary type is a good choice to create a national military enforcement, because they will strike fear into your citizens and will, at the same time, obey your every command.

Can be combined with this mercenary variant:

Pillagers

This is usually a bad choice for companies wishing to retain their corporate image and morality.

Indiscriminate pillaging will cause PR disasters for your company, usually resulting from a heoric reporter capturing you and this mercenary in a known relationship despite all attempts to silence the reporter and destriy the evidence and leading to you and/or your companies downfall.

This mercenary type is also not recommended for tyrants because of the difficulty in control. Although PR relations are the least of trouble for any tryant, indiscriminate pillaging will likely result in a revolution to overthrow you through a rebel front you had previously considered not worth noticing.

• If you have cash in abundance and you need a short-term solution to a long-term problem or if you need indiscriminate terror without the cost of an elite mercenary, it is advisable to hire this mercenary type.

WARNING: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES KEEP THESE GUYS ON THE PAYROLL. EXTERMINATE AFTER THEY HAVE SERVED YOUR INTENDED PURPOSE, AND MAKE SURE THEY ARE DEAD. POSSIBLE SURVIVAL WILL LIKELY CAUSE A NATION-WIDE REVOLUTION TO DE-THRONE YOU.

Jihadists

This mercenary type is the bottom of the barrel. If combined with the pillage variant, this will cause a civil war on a nuclear level. Use extreme caution when dealing with jihadists, as they are mostly used to terrorize people in ways that are not yet possible, and they will not hesitate to give your body an excuse to stop living. Use the utmost discretion in dealing with this mercenary type and keep them at an arm's length. Be especially aware of how you use the words "God", "Allah", or "Muhammad". Failure to observe respect for religious figures will result in a painfully slow and/or torturous death, including but not limited to sticking a heated straightened wire hanger up your urethra and/or anus, followed by castration and decapitation.

• This mercenary unit is the counter unit for the US Soldier. Used exclusively for terrorist activities (ex. bombing, suicide bombing, dirty bombing, fire-shoe bombing, plane bombing, ect.)

Standard Mercenary Necessities

Mercenaries need a Saloon with plenty of Wine, Women and Song. Mercenaries come equipped with personalized weapons. However should you find the need to supply your mercenaries with weapons, equip them with state of the art weapons specialized to your specific situation. Housing and food will also be need to be provided. It is important to note that these are the guys you have charged with protecting you and/or your interests, and giving them shitty housing and food is out of the question.

Example

The Tyrant of the Jungle (not his real name) had tons of cash. He hires some mercenaries because he needs them to fight against the local rebels and protect him and his palace. He houses them in mosquito infested mud houses and gives them local food in the form of insects and swamp vegetables. The mercenaries come equipped with AK-47s, which was proven effective in the Vietnam War, to patrol the tropical jungles of the Tyrant's land. However, the Tyrant has recently purchased M-16A1s, which had such a bad reputation for jamming that the Vietamese rebels refused to use a fully loaded M-16 over an empty AK-47. and made his mercenaries use them

To make a long story short, the mercenaries took the Tyrant prisoner in his own palace and tortured him to death in his torture chamber. To add insult to injury he is killed by kitten huffing.

See Also

• Soldier
• Iraq
• Jihad