Cat
| Cat | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Diversity | |
| Habitat | Your house |
| Specifications | |
| Power supply | Estimated over 9000; real power unknown |
| Health | 9 lives |
| Strength | ∞ |
| Intelligence | 10000 IQ (average cat) -20 IQ (stupid cat) |
| Weight | Depends of how much lasagna is fed |
“That wasn’t chicken.”
– Your neighbor on your prowess as a barbecue chef
“There is no substitute for hard work”
– No cat ever
Cats (Feliz catus) are parasitic creatures that can enter a home, offer nothing, lick human toes, use up resources, shit in a box and leave it for others to manage, and yet still be adored by the humans who live there. Think: demonic mind control. The relationship between a cat and a human quickly develop from that of a house guest who slightly overstays their welcome to the cat completely dominating and controlling every aspect of the human's life without even trying. Considered extremely intelligent and adorable and VERY deserving of treats as well as among the most deviously cunning creatures on Earth, their goal is to mooch off stupid humans whilst not having to put any effort into it. They achieve this through their absolute mastery of Taoist Wu Wei, which is the art of accomplishing things through non-action. Their success is based entirely on said non-action. The less effort they put into controlling humans, the more humans bend to their will. It was considered magic in past, now it is scientifically proven to be evolutionary-psychological-mastery.
Verification and authentication
While most cats can be identified by their slender nimble shape, fur and general air of superiority, in reality you can tell an animal is a cat by inspecting the house it lives in. If it has a full food, scratch pads, shed fur, water dishes, a shit box cleaned daily and a lazy sleeping parasite by the window demanding it be pet at the most inconvenient possible time, then the animal is a cat.
While some cats may look like cats, they may actually just be drawings of cats, baby tigers that look like cats, stuffed cats or possibly Egyptian mummified cats on display at a museum. You will know a cat is an authentic cat if it is obsessively licking its groin all day long.
Behavior
Purring
Cats emit a deep, vibrato sound called a 'purr'. This sound is made by many types of felines. It is a noise somewhat similar to the opening noise of a 90s dial-up modem, produced by a cat as it aligns its soul with zen nothingness. Cat's purring has the ability to cure all diseases if the cat wanted to, including AIDS and cancer. Unfortunately, cats don't give the slightest shit about humans and do not use their skills for good, even though it would literally cost them nothing.
A cat can, undoubtedly, be hooked up to a generator whilst purring to collect the full capacity of its internal dark magic. Their purring can generate roughly 500kw hours of electricity per year which could save you roughly £1500, 1200€ or $1000 off your yearly bills. Unfortunately, it costs about £10,000 a year to maintain a cat in insurance, premium cat food (they won't eat), fixing shredded sofas, buying toys they discard quickly and a lot of miscellaneous. Additionally, if you ever hooked up a cat to a generator, even for a short period of time, it would enrage the cat, and it would only be a matter of time until it escaped, broke your neck by tripping you and then ate you before anyone found out. Hooking up a cat to a purr-to-electricity conversion generator, is strongly discouraged.
Landing on feet
It has been universally proven that cats always land on their feet when pushed from a 100th story balcony. It actually has a reduced risk of injury if falling from a height greater than twenty stories, because it has time to orient itself feet-first and stretch out like a flying squirrel to absorb the impact better.
To test this scientific discovery, a cat was lobbed off the roof of a 100-story building, plummeting to the ground, where it hissed up at the scientists and scurried into an alley after a mouse. Either that or it exploded like a gruesome meat-bomb. It was one of those.
It is also widely known that buttered toast tends to land butter side down when dropped. Deranged lunatics once had a theory that if they buttered the back of a cat with I can't believe it's not butter, and threw the cat off a ledge, the laws of physics would battle it out, while one law is trying to land butter side down, the other law is trying to land on its paws, which would result in anti-gravity struggle in mid-air to fulfill the proper law(s). Although this theory was widely believed for a few years, scientists in Dubai did eventually tie buttered bread to a few cats and chucked them off the Burj Khalifa tower. A few cats clawed the eyes out of the scientists before they were dropped, so no one was able to visually observe what happened when they landed. Until some daring scientists, unhindered by so called "scientific ethics" does the experiment again, we will never know what happens.
In the mean time alternate theories suggest that buttering the back of a cat would launch it into a perpetual horizontal spin every time it jumped as the law of buttered bread landing would conflict with the law of cats landing on their feet. This could be a source of perpetual motion and could one day lead to an infinite source of power with factories consisting of really really pissed off cats with buttered bread tied to them spinning for the cats short lives (who will eventually have brain hemorrhages due to the centrifugal force). Mysterious lobbies from oil selling dependent Saudi Arabia, Texas and Alberta have seemed to blow up the offices of those trying to fund such factories.
Interaction with humans
Shrodinger's
If you aren't familiar with Schrodinger's cat, zheesh, what's wrong with you? Look it up. What Schrodinger got wrong is that when you open the box after potentially breaking the deadly vile, you wouldn't have a cat that is both dead and alive. What you would have is a cat that is dead and one that, once let out of the box, will rip your eyes out and piss in the empty sockets for putting them through an undignified experiment.
Kitten huffing
Kitten huffing is the practice of breathing in an entire kitten or snorting it through your nose. The act involves suffocating a cute kitten in your body cavity and risking lung collapse, but the high is so incredible it is worth it for some. As a cat is full of the natural flow of the universe, kitten huffing allows humans to escape their pitiful confused and absurd existence and experience peace with the galactic force for an hour or two. The long term side effects is having a decaying kitten corpse in your lung.
Comparison with dogs
Cats don't pry into your personal business (unless it has to do with <insert name here>'s dirty, dirty
Cats have amazingly creative ideas on how to please their humans. They know humans like to decorate things and, like cats, are fascinated by texture, so they add a creative touch to sofas and curtains by shredding them.
Cats love to purr when they sit on your lap. Aware that this creates a sense of bonding with their owners they do this knowing it increases the likelihood they will get their way. Such animals are ideal for simpleton humans who do not like making their own decisions and prefer being brainwashed by domestic animals.
Wu Wei
A prominent Taoist concept is Wu Wei, which is the art of aligning your being with the natural flow of the universe. As the universe is an inherently "inactive" one, with water flowing down taking the path of least resistance, cat's masterfully copy this. How else could a being sit around and do nothing all day, get pet when expected, do nothing productive in a home, give the appearance of offering "love and companionship" to their human puppets whilst not genuinely giving either of them, and still reign with complete dominion over their household kingdom? Cat's are the highest experts at Wu Wei. The only effort they ever put into anything is licking their own groin. It seems that is the one thing they cannot get their human slaves to do.
See also
- A Cat on a Laptop
- HotCat
- Catwoman
- Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats
- Kitty King
- 101 uses for a dead Cat
- Tiddles
- Buttered-Cat Engine
- Cats Don't Dance
- The Cat in the Hat
- Catspace
- Kitty Hawk
- Pussy
- The Pussycat Dolls
- Cat-Toast Device
External links
- One of the many joys of Cat ownership
- CatsThatLookLikeHitler.com
- Parachuting and sky diving for Cats
- Cat public domain images
- A Viable source of informations regarding cats.
- Cute and adorable, lovable cat
