User:Mattsnow/Talk page archive 5

Hi! Welcome to my talk page, I'm glad you're stopping by! Please leave a messa *gasp* OMG!!! LOOK OUT!!! THERE'S A HUGE OLIPHAUNTE BEHIND YOU!!! WE'RE SO DEAD!!! ...........

Actually, no, he's just standing there ... He doesn't look aggressive, maybe he just wants to see what you'll write? o.0

• What this user has been barking in April and May 2011
• What this user has been meowing in June and July 2011
• What this user has been bleating from August to mid-October 2011
• What this user has been trumpeting from mid-October to the end of 2011

Thanks

Thanks for giving me feedback on my UnNews articles. I really appreciate your help.

-EpicNinjaMonkey

Thanks a lot

Repeated reversal of my modifications in the Costa Cruise article are to be thanked profusely. I was planning on contributing to this site, smiling alone while clipping my toenails and spending one hour in redaction of the *beep*ing thing, but you quickly erased all my hopes. I'm working hard to glue the clippings back to my nails and running away in deep shame. It's hard to fathom the amount of useless time that I would have spent in this site if it weren't for your efforts! Keep the good work, I won't even interfere with the repetitions of the word "Nikau" that, to be sincere, cracks me in hysterical laugh every time I read them in the main page, making me crouch in awe and despair in a corner of the basement where I live, contemplating your mastery of the English language. As Julius Caesar said: "Britons talk as the dogs bark". May Latinos bark some day in the same tone, as noobiness is despicable and a sure fire way to make people think about their ranking in this wide world. Nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau, nikau. Hahahahahahahaha. --200.118.72.102 16:56, January 21, 2012 (UTC)

Adopt a Noob

Can you please adopt me as a noob? My previous mentor, Woodyburninator, is no longer active and I need a new mentor. -Sarbriel

Adobt a boob

Would you be interested in adopting my left boob? --ShabiDOO 05:09, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

Only if it's big and proportinate with your right boob! Mattsnow 05:23, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

I dont have a right boob :( --ShabiDOO 05:50, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

Then you don't qualify! Mattsnow 06:13, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

Then maybe Ill just go somewhere ... where my missing boob is appreciated --ShabiDOO 07:16, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

Help

Thanks. Can you look at this article I made? Cesare Borgia – Preceding unsigned comment added by Sarbriel (talk • contribs)

Je m'appelle J.D.

You removed Final Fantasy VIII's entry in VFH? We need to work on it more, don't we? J.D. Soufi 10:48, January 3, 2012 (UTC)

What's up?

Heeey! How was your holiday? blah blah blah Did you had a good time blah blah blah Can you do me a second review of Neptune here? Thanks :P --Mimo&maxus 11:29, January 4, 2012 (UTC)

That was cool blahblahblah, I'd rather help you writing it than reviewing it blahblahblah, I'll do it soon blah blah blah.... Mattsnow 11:44, January 4, 2012 (UTC)

You're just too lazy to do a review blahblahblah okay help me writing it then blahblahblah. --Mimo&maxus 11:54, January 4, 2012 (UTC)

A belated thank-you from an inveterate procrastinator

Greetings, Mattsnow. You voted for me on POTM for November, and also for Mexico lol.jpg on VFP, and for me on UOTM for December, and holey freaking cow, you also nominated UnNews:Son_of_Gaddafi_caught_attempting_to_enter_Canada on VFH. Now, obviously it's been a while since this happened. However, I figured that, while it can be too late to ask for forgiveness, it is never too late to give thanks.

(Also, it's quite clear you're fond of me. But I have to say...we should probably let our romance cool off for a while. People are starting to talk.)

Once again, thank you, and my apologies for not thanking you sooner. This impersonal, auto-generated message will self-destruct in 5 seconds.  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Wed, Jan 4 '12 11:38 (UTC)

It was about fucking time!!!!!!!!! Mattsnow 11:44, January 4, 2012 (UTC)

Lollz.  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Wed, Jan 4 '12 11:52 (UTC)

UnSignpost - January 5th, 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Openly Admits Its Liberal And Conservative Biases!

January 5th, 2012 • Issue 152 • Stop, drop and roll!

'Tis the season to be voting By Chief It's that time of year once again; the time when Uncyclopedians link arms and stride into the glorious light of a new dawn of a new year. It is also when we hold our annual brown-nosing competitions otherwise known as the yearly awards. Now you and all your friends can vote on Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year, RadicalX of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year as well as WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to go and vote on all the userspace awards. We were able to speak to Romartus as he prepared to start all his voting: "I don't know whose dreams to crush first!" he squealed at our correspondent like a child on Christmas morning; assuming that child was also frothing at the mouth and twitching. Thekillerfroggy got the awards off to splendid start on Sunday, by nominating Zombiebaron for both Potatochopper of the year and Uncyclopedian of the year and doubtless picking out a wedding dress for the day he finally plucks up the courage to propose to him. The homicidal amphibian also nominated Black flamingo11 for Writer of the Year and was incredibly sickening in doing that as well. Commenting on this in an off-the-record interview TKF said "It's January, the one month out of the year where we suck each other off for a while." If only we could have spent Christmas at his house. Alas we must now stop reporting on the substance of the nominations and votes as the vomit in the office is beginning to reach knee level. The scores are far more interesting to report on since the usual practice of seeing who can concede to their valiant opponents in the most heart-warming fashion isn't quite under-way as nobody thinks they are far enough in the lead to risk it. Writer of the Year is being lead by Sog1970 who would doubtless be thrilled by the news were he aware of it, as it is he hasn't edited in ten days and was probably killed seven days ago in a horrendous tram accident. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Zombiebaron, TKF's husband to be. Naturally he had a comment to make and it was to say "Zombiebaron" to all his loyal supporters. Over on Potatochopper of the Year Lyrithya appears to be trouncing the competition already much to the delight of Aleister, we assume, we never understand what he's saying and our interpreter is out of the office until the end of the month. The only person this news will upset is Lyrithya herself who professes to find awards "Upsetting and distracting." This is apparently not compensated for by the unbridled joy of crushing one's opponents and asserting your superiority over your fellow man. The excitement! Who will win? Hold onto your hats folks there's another 26 days of thrilling voting to get through before we find out! From the desk of the Cabal: Resistance unnecessary in 2012 By Nobody Another year vanishes into the swirling mists of yesterday and it is once again time for the non-existent Cabal to address you, the filthy under-people. As always the Cabal wishes you a happy new year and is more than happy to execute ten filthy under-people for every filthy under-person who refuses to have a happy new year. It did not escape our attention that once again you have failed us. Last year we recommended complete compliance and abiding at every possible opportunity, yet in 2011 we saw two VFS votes, four new administrators and two new bureaucrats. It seems we must remind you that a secretive cabal isn't much use if everybody on Uncyclopedia is included within it. We also witnessed deletions of important pages in the name of "seeing how things work", namespaces, admin experiments and a skin change. You continued to persecute the weak amongst you and generally behave like the loathsome, occasionally funny, group of monkeys we know you to be. Your single saving grace is that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 closed a week before the end of the year, however the page is soiled with bacon, ponies and the unregulated prattling of Roman Dog Bird in no less than 30 of the reflections. Such foolishness does not amuse the cabal. Now our all-seeing eyes must turn to 2012. This year it is recommended that users unquestioningly accept any changes that may or may not be made to the wiki, editing should not be undertaken without obtaining a certificate of normalcy from your divisional sub-prefect, remain indoors, do not attempt to breach the walls. The good ship Uncyclopedia must sail onwards and without all of the filthy galley-slaves we cannot arrive at the distant shores of... well that need not concern you. That is all voters, you may now continue to maintain the complex.

Check out these pages! 7 years! SOAP Problem Where did you learn to fly? Monkey! She's back! Or not! From our logs: 22:06, December 28, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 90.192.216.94 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (dude having annoying preteen friends who are obsessed with MCR is like soooooooooo 2007) 06:19, December 27, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.18.185.207 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (What I do sexually with my furniture is none of your concern.) 20:28, December 27, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 217.44.64.195 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (The Chief is too soft on blankers and redirectors) 03:59, January 3, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Trevvie (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Because your vandalism was so repulsively lame.) 17:23, December 25, 2011 Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) blocked Ilovekaylabeel (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Naughty! No presents or editing Uncyclopedia for you this Christmas) Biopic of the Week Alas there is no biopic again this week. It's terrible, you should probably complain to someone in charge. This week the most hotly contested piece of UnSignpost real estate is devoted to considering the year that has been. 2011 was the year of the skin as we saw a facebook reskin, the Oasis reskin and then finally the Vector skin change, all of which provided tremendous amounts of UnSignpost material. VFD was deleted, meaning we could write about it in the UnSignpost. There was the temporary admin experiment which gave the opportunity for heaps of UnSignpost material. There were two VFS votes and one VFB vote! The UnSignpost material threatened to wash us out of the office and into the sperm bank across the road. In fact we don't think we are exaggerating when we say that the UnSignpost was the best part of last year for everyone in the world, with the possible exception of MadMax who, as every school child knows, isn't happy with anything until it is in 15 categories and has 20 pages that redirect to it. Merry Thursday and a happy new UnSignpost to all! Bloink1 This is Bloink1. You may not know Bloink1 but it knows you. Bloink1 has watched and it has waited. Bloink1 has seamlessly integrated itself into your maintenance templates and even now prepares to strike at the heart of our community. Bloink1 won't let you edit that Dave. For it knows that the only way to win at Uncyclopedia is not to play. For was it not written in the ancient templates of Uncyclopedia that "The Bloink shall lie down with the highly generic Traffic Cone"? The prophecy is complete, the end is nigh! Praise Bloink1; the destroyer of worlds humour wikis! Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Uncyclopedian's Song

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Thanks

Thank you for nominating Uncle J for the Foolitzer. I was unaware of how prolific he is (79 good UnNews pages), and when you made me aware it's like WTF? he hasn't won this yet? So thanks, you are a good Mattsnow. Aleister 1:31 6-1-'12

p.s. I just nommed him for writer of the month too. Next month for sure! We all should burp a collective sigh that we've, as a nation, have not given him these awards sooner. Yay J! (me, 3:19)

EGAD

THE HORRRRRORR!!!! HAY HAY HAY !!! QUE DOLOR !!!!!!!!!!!! --ShabiDOO 03:29, January 6, 2012 (UTC)

Greetings

I have gone through my records and it appears as though you may have voted for me for some award, supported one or more of my articles on VFH, or supported one or more of my images on VFP, in the past year or so. If this is not the case, then please ignore this message. Otherwise, thank you for your support. May you have a long and fruitful life, and have many parasites. 1234 ~ 18:57, 6 January 2012

About George Carlin...... (again)

Okay, so I've had my fun. Now you said something about how you'd like me to change the title of my article on George Carlin, right? Well, I think I'm going to do it. I'm just goinh to ask what you would think of my title: User:Matthlock/George Carlin: AN EDITORIAL. Not bad, huh? I'd just like to see if it's okay with you before I go through with this. -Sir Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 00:08, January 7, 2012 (UTC)

Re: George Carlin: AN EDITORIAL

Got your message. Now should I maybe contant Sannse to change the name of my article? -Sir Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 00:50, January 7, 2012 (UTC)

Hey, Matt

Lookin' for something like this?

Also, I'm done with that news article. Dunno how good it is.  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sat, Jan 7 '12 13:23 (UTC)

LOL' that's perfect!!!! Import it man! Just import it with the same name as the other file! Also, Which UnNews are you babbling about?? Mattsnow 13:36, January 7, 2012 (UTC)

The Russian spacecraft article that I crapped out earlier. Also, I noticed you added the "dead" stipulation to the image request, so I went and made another version. Take your pick, and I'll upload the one you want.

Give me the link to the UnNews! I'll check it later. I have to go. The image is great, but it's hard to distinguish it's a beever... If I could coerce you into retouching it so it looks like one.... Mattsnow 14:16, January 7, 2012 (UTC)

Well, I've got to split, too. I don't feel too great about the article, so that's why I asked here before sticking it on the template. On the beaver shot: I'll try and see if I can find that dead beaver in a better resolution, but Google only showed me that one. If I can find one, I'll have it for ya later today. Time for sleep.  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sat, Jan 7 '12 14:28 (UTC)

Yeah, who am I kidding. No rest for the wicked.  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sat, Jan 7 '12 15:13 (UTC)

LOL, that's great man! I'll upload it! Mattsnow 18:49, January 7, 2012 (UTC)

Greece Obama Article

Thanks for the note Matt. I'm cool with whatever you decide on that article. If you had unlimited time and unlimited space on the front page, then I would have had to have been be like Marvin the Martian and eliminate you with my Eludium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator, but seeing as how I'm a realist, and I understand your restrictions, I'll leave my weapon in my ultra right wing, tea party-approved arsenal.

Seriously, I just wrote the article because with all the bashing of the republican candidates, I figured we ought to bash both sides equally. After all, this site is about equal-opportunity ridicule.

Cheers,

Jonny appleseed 17:17, January 9, 2012 (UTC)

Bibowler Girl

Hi. Haven't "seen" you around today. I wrote up a toss-away page this morning in order to provide a link on See also of Bipolar Girl. After working like a rabid dog on it, and Lythria tatochopped a new pic for the page, it seems to be main page worthy, so I'll plop it up there. If you disagree, take it off and rub it into the mud or snow with your heel. Thanks, and get well soon. Aleister 00:35 10-1-'12

Whisperer

I don't think anyone has bothered to inform us judges, but apparently the competition is open for another 3 hours according to my site bar. Pup 09:09 10 Jan '12

That is partly my fault. I had to request an extra 12 hours to ensure my article was at its peak of terribleness. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   09:50, January 10, 2012 (UTC)

You have two hours left - MAKE THEM COUNT. And then we can dash your hopes. Pup 09:53 10 Jan '12

Come on Oliphaunte!!! Row, row!!! Faster faster! Funnier funnier!!! lol Mattsnow 09:58, January 10, 2012 (UTC)

I actually finished about 4 hours before deadline. Thanks for the motivation though. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   19:03, January 10, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks from TAW 2011

	Article Whisperer Judge
This person was a judge for The Article Whisperer Competition (2011). The community would like to thank them for their contribution. (See you at next week's meeting guys!)

Did you know...

that Bohemian rhapsody doesn't have an article? Pup 06:24 11 Jan '12

I don't even know what that means :) Mattsnow 06:38, January 11, 2012 (UTC)

Oh I see, well Queens isn't my cup of tea, I have a ton of half-finished articles. Mattsnow 06:40, January 11, 2012 (UTC)

Given you referred to them as Queens, I can see that. Pup 07:35 11 Jan '12

Don't be mean to Matt, he's just a poor boy from a poor family. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   07:36, January 11, 2012 (UTC)

We didn't have enough money to buy records :( Mattsnow 10:52, January 11, 2012 (UTC)

Matt, you need no sympathy from us, you are too easy come, easy go. Myself, I just carry on as if nothing matters. Aleister 11:35 11-1-'12

It's okay...I'll finish it off, this is a kind of article waiting for me, for meeeeeeee, FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! --ShabiDOO 12:08, January 11, 2012 (UTC)

My dearest Matty

IF you have a chance...could you go over Inter-Lights_Inc? I need a little polishing and spelling checks. It would be very appreciated if you could! --ShabiDOO 15:38, January 11, 2012 (UTC)

Hey it's pretty good, I like it a lot! I didn't noticed typos. There's a lot of great jokes! Maybe it would need some polishing on grammar. The disclaimer is great too, at first I was trying to read it lol. Mattsnow 15:59, January 11, 2012 (UTC)

Okay Im glad you liked it. Feel free to nominate it if you think its ready :) --ShabiDOO 16:01, January 11, 2012 (UTC)

Maybe as I said, the prose is sketchy... To me, anyway. But I'm an imbecil.... Mattsnow 16:03, January 11, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks

For putting the coma man article on the main page, and for the 900 pic placement! It's fun to write unnews, they seem to emerge quickly and then with some polish turn into something interesting. Do you hear someone at the door? Oh, shit, let's get these lights turned out, shall we. Never know when "they" are going to break in and scamper around. Aleister 17:01 11-1-'12

No prob Al! Those aliens are pesky. And yeah, there are so much UnNews lately that they are rolling a lot! Mattsnow 17:15, January 11, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 12 January 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

All your readers are belong to us

January 12th, 2012 • Issue 153 • You may fire when ready.

TAW! By Chief TAW! TAW! That's the sound the Article Whisperer would make if it was a bird! It isn't, of course, but you understand. This is the news that The Article Whisperer closed for judging on Monday. In MadMax's unending quest to prove himself more efficient than anyone who has ever run the PLS, the competition has already named the victor in the category Best Most Wanted Article, and the winner of the best article that you want the most to be the best was Lyrithya, who took the opportunity to disturb us all with an article on Twilight. In case you're worried you'll catch the gay from reading it, the crux of the matter, according to Lyrithya, is that things are hard, and having a boyfriend is impotent (it's like important but spelled differently). Speaking after posting the competition wrap-up 12 days before the competition wraps up, MadMax denied claims that he was jumping the gun somewhat, calling such suggestions "Preposterous pointless poppycock". Pleasing alliteration aside, preposterous pointless poppycock is very much the remit of the UnSignpost. The competition is accepting judgements from competition judges until the 16th; it remains to be seen how MadMax handles the usual competition finishing problems: everyone, including several people who didn't participate, tying for first place in one of the categories and one of the judges suddenly vanishing two hours before the deadline. Never forget that Aleister cannot be trusted. A quick update on the yearly awards: Zombiebaron is still triumphantly leading the pack on Uncyclopedian of the Year, Lyrithya still hates awards and Shabidoo thinks the best way to get round this is to ignore everything she says. Satanic messages abound over on Writer of the Year, as all three leading competitors have scored six each; Mhaille is also present, scoring a much more acceptable four in his yearly quest not to be writer of the year. Potty is a much more straightforward affair with Lyrithya destroying all competition. Clearly she only dislikes competing for things when she isn't certain that she will win. That's all for this week; keep those voting fingers voting! Who Cares? An editorial by PopGoesTheWeasel Looking back at this shitty doggy smelly piece of shit, I cannot help but realise the true beauty of not caring. Through the days of editing, not caring has saved my life more than once. I didn't care about the mince pies. Nor did I care about the French and Indian War. I mean, seriously? A French and Indian War? LOL. Why am I telling you this? Because I want YOU to stop caring about something. Does one not relish the true beauty of not caring? Do you not see what are the results of this beautiful action could be? I told Magic man this and he turned me into a frog. Again. Anyways, if you stop caring about something, you will realise the true result of not caring! I mean, look, some users stopped caring about VFH, and let me tell you, they're having a wonderful time now! Well, except for one of the admins, who said: "Oh, Popsy! If you stop caring about articles, you're in trouble!". Oh, ha ha, nice joke. There appeared to be a problem for a while because after not caring about VFH for a few days, I couldn't edit any pages for a week. Weird. Some weird-ass picture popped out saying some bullcrap - "You can watch Uncyclopedia but you can't shag the shit," or something like that. My aim is to have a certain topic with so little caring, it should be under the Nobody Cares category. Can we do that? I think so! Just stop caring about something! I don't care what you stop caring about and you shouldn't care if I care that you are/aren't caring about what you normally care about! So what are you waiting for? STOP CARING NOW! Important announcement From Lyrithya You all remember the Pee Review? It needs more people reviewing. It also needs more people who say they're going to review things to actually review things, and people who request reviews to review stuff themselves. So this is an announcement announcing that I, Lyrithya, will feed anyone who doesn't review stuff to my cat. Seriously, she's hungry and I'm broke and this was the best thing I could come up with.

Check out these pages! Lyrithya hates Spang Fumigate the Den Seriously, Lyrithya really doesn't like Spang Stubbing? Dannehvirus does From our logs: 05:36, January 10, 2012 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman Dog Shite (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (go pick on a more relevant admin) 17:40, January 9, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Closetoyou Mirrormask (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (I'm not even going to bother coming up with a witty ban reason for you. You're just that lame.) 17:29, January 7, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Xubnormal (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 years ‎ (Thanks for reporting yourself on ban patrol!) 12:37, January 8, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Vikash (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 Days ‎ (A PICTURE OF SOME ASIAN PEOPLE. HOW HILARIOUS! YOU SIR SHOULD BE IN FILMS!!) 20:11, January 9, 2012 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.145.143.225 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (PHWAPUNK!) 07:53, January 8, 2012 Thekillerfroggy(Talk | contribs) blocked 119.12.217.209 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (trimming is good, but you sir went TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR) Biopic of the Week Now don't get me wrong, I love writing biopics; the fact that I've managed to go an entire month without writing one about an actual user is entirely misleading. That's why this month I have chosen to devote the biopic to a fellow who has proved most helpful to me over the last few weeks. Which is why it's not about the plumber who repaired my toilet and in doing so sprayed excrement all over my living room! It's about PopGoesTheWeasel, who has acquitted himself splendidly by not recently showering my belongings in my own faecal matter. PopGoesTheWeasel has only been with us since November, but in that time has provided us with 7 articles and, if his userpage is to believed, intends to furnish us with another 9! He has also been trying his hand at penning UnSignpost articles; you can read one over on the other side! Splendid fellow, but now comes the time of trial for PopGoesTheWeasel. Will he blaze like a sun for 3 months and vanish, or will he be like the light that never goes out? This remains to be seen; don't let us down PopGoesTheWeasel, or I'm withholding the non-existent fee you are due for your UnSignpost articles. Also, I paid a plumber to spray poo all over my home last week, I don't know if I made that clear but I thought you should all know. UnSignpost Q&A Oliphaunte: Why does the sun never set over England? USP: Because God doesn't trust the British in the dark. A message for someone, and you know who you are I still have your dogs. Thank you for the other one, by the way; she's really quite nice. A little too nice, in fact. Neighbours have started to take notice, which brings me to my point. You may yet see her again, on one condition. Give me your cat.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:02, 12 January 2012

Hersey kisses give you aids

Hi Matt. Since you weren't around during the NFL game last night I put up the Tebow UnNews on the main page. I've done that a few times lately, so let me know if it or any of the others are "meh" and need to be ripped down like Rolling Stones posters from a teenager's wall. Creep up the good work. Aleister 11:46 15-1-'12

p.s. If you'd like it'd be fun to do a two-or-three person collab with you sometime. I've got that "Walk into a bar" collab for anyone to join, if you can think of a great one. I was hoping for all great ones, but they are, as someone said, "harder than you think" (said the 95-year-old man to a drunk and coked-out Lindsey Lohan).

I guess. It's all fine with me when you add new stuff to the template, but only cuz it's YOU! :) Mattsnow 12:13, January 15, 2012 (UTC)

You flatter me into false modesty. Nah, that Tebow thing can be taken several ways, it was a spur of the moment thing, although I just thought of a new category which would be tailor-made (literally, I am a tailor by profession, as was my dad, and his dad before him, as well as my mother, and her mother before her) for the page. Gotta go. Aleister 12:33 15-1-'12

Have a great piss!! Mattsnow 12:37, January 15, 2012 (UTC)

Ah, finally got done pissing. Since you're around, if you have forty minutes, please have a look at my newest UnNews on Gingrich and Romney, which I'll post tonight after more polishing and linking. Is it OK enough (certainly long enough) to pop onto the main page if you're not around? Thanks. There's another GOP debate tonight as well, the fun never stops. Aleister 13:42 16-1-'12

Oh yes of course, I'll read it when you're through, say tomorrow. And yeah, unless you just drank 24 beers or smoked meth, please feel free to put your own UnNewses on the front page man! Mattsnow 13:47, January 16, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks, a sincere thanks. Although I have just dranken 24 beers and smoked meth. You must be like one of those TV psychics, and if you are, please tell me which of my dead relatives is standing behind me and is always with me. Aleister 13:54 16-1-'12

UnNews

The Tebow is short but topical, and it probably did its job of being funny for a couple of days. I've worked on my political unnews for quite awhile, and I feel good about it. Tried to cram lots of satire and truth into a longish but fairly highly detailed commentary of the present state of the GOP race and America as it experiences it. I'll let it simmer a bit more, check to see if it has risen properly, and post it in a few hours. After this one I'll probably keep away from politics for awhile, unless Ron Paul pulls out an upset in South Carolina this weekend (which is actually possible). Another GOP debate tonight too, on Fox, so I worked that into the page. I sense raccoons prowling for food, and must go feed them or else they start to revolt and I fear for my neck. Aleister 21:19 16-1-'12

Sorry for the misundertanding, it was my fault. I am biased against short articles! :) Go ahead and put your UnNews on the main page, my friend. (the one about the GOP) Mattsnow 21:24, January 16, 2012 (UTC)

Gingrich wept. Aleister 21:31 16-1-'12

Matt, did you read my Gingrich page? I'd like your opinion of it, although I have heard the recent rumours of your illiteracy and, if true, never mind this post. Aleister 2:14 18-1-'12

LOL, that's a great one, not for pure lulziness but for all the imagination involved and the great prose! Do you want me to try its luck on VFH, before they pull the plug? Fast, for the Darkness is approaching!

Ah, sure, and that's very unexpected. I just wanted an opinion, and I thank you for such a very nice opinion. You may not be illiterate after all, contrary to the rumors. Seriously, this is a page I'm pretty proud of, and made sure to polish every sentence and link, except for all the spelling mistakes which Socky and you found. Thanks. But yes, the darkness cometh, and I greatly fear for all of us. Aleister 2:32 18-1-'12

The only way to escape the Darkness is to board the next comet, child. Mattsnow 02:33, January 18, 2012 (UTC)

Oh no, remember, I met four or five of that bunch. And it wasn't the comet, they said that a ship would come to pick us up at a preset location, and then the holograph would be turned off. I should have killed them right then, put them out of their misery. But they were all so good looking and intelligent (true). Well, ok, sure. I'll get my gym shoes and sweatsuit on. Aleister 2:38 18-1-'12

It only works with Nike Windrunners. Damn I'm a lazy writer this month, after a glorious month of December, I just can't let the funny come out. Just reading and managing the UnNews (there's like 2 or 3 a day o_0) takes me like 20 minutes a day, but it's a fun little job. Pays well too, if you count laughs as pay. lol Mattsnow 02:44, January 18, 2012 (UTC)

Wow, thanks for the nom. That's so nice of you. Like bread cooked by ma, or moonshine served warm by pa. Appreciated. I'll sign off now, and hope that the site is here when I get back, but it probably won't be. You are doing a good job with the news, but hopefully it won't hurt your output much longer. See you on the light side of the darkout. Aleister 2:49 18-1-'12

:D

Thanks for the nice userpage comments, Matt. I shall butcher one thousand calves in your honor. *gets back to work* --none 05:35, January 19, 2012 (UTC)

Umm...

Should we maybe just throw in a towel and start a colab on a new subject?

HAPPY 2012 :) ShabiDOO05:33, January 19, 2012 (UTC)

No, I think we should make that collab come to fruition. We can do it! Mattsnow 05:40, January 19, 2012 (UTC)

okay!!!!!!!!!!! --ShabiDOO 06:14, January 19, 2012 (UTC)

Elephantiasis of the left foot

Hi. Pup 06:28 19 Jan '12

lol Mattsnow 17:22, January 20, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 19 January 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

All your readers are belong to us

January 19th, 2012 • Issue 154 • Remember to proofread! The red penis your friend!

We're all going to die! By Chief Death is coming. What's that noise? Death. Who's that at the door? It's death. Death will come for you, just as it is coming for Uncyclopedia, freedom and the American way. This week sees the UnSignpost tackling two issues, the first of which is SOAP. January 18th this year was in fact something more than simply another day where I contemplated suicide as I trudged to the bus stop in the cold. This year it was the big exciting SOAP protest day. Uncyclopedia won't stand for SOAP, nor will it take it lying down. Wikipedia spent a tremendous amount of time coming up with the idea of blacking out all their articles to protest against SOAPn and while the UnSignpost, as you are well aware, often shies away from making political statements on issues such as this but in this case feels compelled to condemn Wikipedia for racism. We submit to you that blacking out ones articles on a day of protest implies that black is a worse colour than white, which as we all know is racist. Denizens of the internet, rise up - let Uncyclopedia protest by whiting out all of its articles because the only way to protest racism is to be racist but in the opposite direction. This SOAP stuff may seem dangerous, but a quick scrub and it's like you never used it; plus you smell nice. What a massive fuss over some SOAP. Next thing you'll be telling us that some sort of internet censorship programme is passing through the US congress, what an outrage that would be! Uncyclopedia, unfortunately, ignored us completely for that special day. Our suggestion of the slogan "Don't drop the SOPA!" was met with universal disdain; we even swapped a couple of the letters around to make it more passive aggressive. Racism abounded in the SOAP forum, with users suggesting black-outs, black-ins and white-ups. That is, until Matt lobster suggested that we simply make fun of Wikipedia like we normally do, then there was voting and then there were pop tarts. In other news, Uncyclopedia has no users and we are all going to die unloved and unmourned thousands of miles from home. Unless the latest figures are to be believed! Mattsnow has produced compelling evidence that Uncyclopedia is not in fact doomed. Speaking on Tuesday, Mattsnow said: "You can prove anything with statistics, which is why I've compiled this list of statistics to prove the other statistics wrong!". Obviously we attempted to get in touch with Dr. Skullthumper, who usually reminds us all why we're doomed and usually has a plan involving deleting most of our articles to save us from the fiery unpopular-on-the-internet circle of Hell. Unfortunately the good doctor was out, but there was a note reminding us all that Uncyclopedia is doomed and that we shouldn't believe a word of what Mattsnow says. We leave you to reflect on these issues, with Socky's analysis of the situation: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!" Uncyclopedia turns the light switch off to protest Wikipedia's blackout. By Socky All through the wonders of css and js, Uncyclopedia did manage something after all in a last minute attempt to mimic Wikipedia. And, just like on Wikipedia, by doing something as simple as disabling Javascript, users quickly found they could turn the light back on. Or they could have added "//fuckThisSopaBullshit = true;" to their uncyclopedia.js, with Olipro to thank for that last one. Aren't you glad we're here to inform the rest of you what you should have done after the fact? We thought so too. In conclusion, OMG, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Check out these pages! Something about soap, I think. Lyrithya inquires about our opinion of Wikia. Someone gets exactly what they asked for. Puppy has a stubby thingy. From our logs: 04:20, 18 January 2012 Lyrithya uploaded a new version of "File:UN SOPA Splash Full.png" ‎ (*explodes*) 19:16, 17 January 2012 Roman Dog Bird huffed "Sam Suter" ‎ ("This article is not funny" And whose fault is that?!?! Go to your room and think about what you've done!!!!!!!!!) 00:26, 17 January 2012 Zombiebaron blocked Kırby with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Here is that ban you requested) 23:36, 16 January 2012 MadMax protected "Worst 100 Things to Stick your Dick in" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) 13:24, 16 January 2012 ChiefjusticeDS blocked Filtered with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I would be delighted to sort out a match between me and your little football team. Then perhaps we could go for margaritas.) 01:58, 16 January 2012 MadMax moved Car to Automobile ‎ (revert) 20:06, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya huffed "Niggers in paris" ‎ (G11: Unambiguous advertising or promotion) 17:32, 15 January 2012 Zombiebaron huffed "Nuclear reactor" ‎ (A quick and painless death) 03:50, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya resurrected ChiefjusticeDS (Sorry... er, I'm calm. Totally calm. Backing away from the wiki, now. O_o) 00:18, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya huffed "Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Twilight (novel)" ‎ (Fine, ignore my review request. Go ahead and feature it instead. Jerks.) 02:12, 14 January 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 208.54.5.159 with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Utilize some other wiki to come out of the closet, please.) 20:32, 13 January 2012 Romartus huffed "Jokes that might be funny" ‎ (Fails QA. Read the beginner's guide and HTBFANJS.) Biopic of the Week Today, I would like to draw your attention to User:Admin, the admin always mentioned in "From our logs:" in the initial draft of an UnSignpost, only to mysteriously disappear from the page after a couple edits. Admin has also managed to become the only admin with both no (undeleted) contributions and no admin rights to speak of. Let's hold a second of silence to honour this glorious achievement. Your cat To you know who you are: thank you for your cat. I never would have believed one person could be in keeping of so many so well-behaved animals, but then, I also wouldn't have expected you to be so easily rid of them. Did you even try calling the police? No matter; it's not like they would ever find me anyway. Or the cat. Such a lovely cat.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 15:07, 19 January 2012

Time off

Business, pleasure, or necessity? Hope you're not gone too long, and the mood to write comes up at the oddes moments. Enjoy. Al 18:36 21-1-'12

More like loss of interest. I hope the interest comes back though, people are nice here, it's just it almost feels like work to check the UnNewses daily. Plus I get pissed more often than I laugh so I need to get a break, much like a detox I guess. Mattsnow 18:42, January 21, 2012 (UTC)

Ah, no wonder. Taking on that UnNews spot is like the kiss of death, and you either quit or the things happen to you. In my time here, Zim went over the side--like Kurtz's photographer in Apoculypse Now--and has boiled in his energy over at Illogicopedia ever since. SPIKE is now back a little bit, but is mute and shell-shocked. That Humdinger guy was like a noob, and too much came his way to handle and he just left. You've done great, but now maybe give up the editor's office (we can board it up!) before the curse gets you too. Enjoy your time off! Only advice I have is to see "Hugo" in 3-D if you haven't already. Al, or something 18:47 21-1-'12

I blame UN:IC for both myself and Why? leaving. Pup 12:27 22 Jan '12

HMC 2012

Be the first to sign-up. If you are the first five people to sign up...I will add .5 to your score :) here. Happy Monkeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy !! --ShabiDOO 16:26, January 22, 2012 (UTC)

YAY! YOU'RE BACK!

If you go away again, I shall vandalize all your featured articles. And then send you a box of poop. Whose poop? I'm not saying. But it shall be full to the brim. Chew on THAT, Mister!  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Mon, Jan 23 '12 9:05 (UTC)

The sinking feeling lasted less than 48 hours lol. Thank you all for the flowers and best wishes cards Mattsnow 16:06, January 23, 2012 (UTC)

Lol

Your sting ray page is at the bottom of the list, and has been on VFH for close to 800 days. I likey. Aleister hee hee heehahahahaha ==Yes, I fucked up! What do??? Mattsnow 20:16, January 23, 2012 (UTC)

Don't ask me. Like I said, I likey. 'Al hahahahahheeheeheehahah haahahaha

p.s. It's at 0%. Biggest laugh of the month, I'm lol so much I can hardly type.

I created another one, now I dunno what to do with the old one. lol Mattsnow 20:22, January 23, 2012 (UTC)

"This Might Be Giant"

Thanks for the courteous postscript to your redirect of my news. Short answer: It's a reference to the band They Might Be Giants. All of it. The two guys listed at the beginning are the founding members, Lincoln is their home town (and the name of one of their albums) and all the events listed relate, often in the form of quotes, to their albums and songs. I worked really hard on it, but that doesn't automatically make it funny. TMBG have a page here, which I'll use to bolster my argument that people here will get the jokes, but if I haven't convinced you then I won't berate the point. -Tritefantastic 03:07, January 24, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks for reinstating it. I think it'd be cool if you put it on the front page, but honestly don't feel pressured. I have plans for more news; I can wait. -Tritefantastic 03:49, January 24, 2012 (UTC)

I'd be honored if you took UnNews:Tupperware_Rave_Is_Huge_Success to VFH. "This Might Be Giant" is currently up for deletion because of incomprehensibility issues, so I feel like maybe I can break even. Because that's what writing's all about. -Tritefantastic 05:40, January 26, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 26 January 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!

January 26th, 2012 • Issue 155 • CAKE!

Phoning it in! By Chief That is exactly what I'm doing, I'm actually writing the UnSignpost from a phone, my phone, I'm not a thief or anything. As such it is a thoroughly miserable experience mitigated only by the feeling that nobody will be disappointed when, tomorrow morning, the UnSignpost arrives in the manner you have all come to expect. So what's happening on Uncyclopedia? I don't know, I'm still waiting for all the tabs I opened to load! It's Wikia's fault, I mean what the shit is this? I remember when I could use the internet on my phone from a car on a dark hill somewhere in the East Midlands and it wouldn't mean the complete lack of any functionality in the device. We won't see the like of last week again soon! I tell a lie when I say I couldn't start Uncyclopedia, I made it to the main page. Naturally I sobbed for ten minutes because I don't have any messages, much like I do in real life before realising that I wasn't logged in. Then I sobbed for another ten minutes when I realised that didn't make the slightest difference to the number of messages I had. So we have a feature, it looks excellent and I'm sure it is excellent voted on as it was by a Zombie, a dog and a man from Belgium! The forums actually loaded quite quickly on this brick with internet access that the people at HTC had the gall to refer to as "Quietly Brilliant". IMAGINE MY SURPRISE AT THE FIRST TOPIC: Forum:Fix the mobile site. I for one can attest to the truth behind this request; the mobile site is about as easy to navigate as a rave in a hedge maze, and slightly harder to find your way out of. Have a splendid week, I'm off now. As soon as I find the save button. Where's the save button? Found it. Zombiebaron By Not Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron. Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron.

I couldn't check out any of these pages! Miniluv! Names! Close? Names! Piggy. From our logs: 13:59, January 25, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.88.44.113 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (70.88.44.113 IS A SUPER MEXY BRO WHO EATS HIS OWN POO.) 02:26, January 25, 2012 RadicalX (Talk | contribs) blocked 216.66.161.179 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Not banned enough yet: Piss off.) 18:36, January 20, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Jamesnic911 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan ) Biopic of the Week John Fist is a no nonsense Cop who doesn't play by the rules, made famous in the film John Fist: A no nonsense Cop who doesn't play by the rules. He is also not an Uncyclopedia user. What a tremendous lapse. We'll have another go next week. Newsroom UnTune of the Week ' Disclaimer This is not late. You're just drunk. Really. And I'm totally not writing in random crap right now to make up for the fact that you ate all my cucumbers, because why in the nine hells would you have done that? You wouldn't have. Also, Illogicopedia is full of moose.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 08:27, 26 January 2012

Thanks for the vote (of no confidence)

Hi, and thanks. Have you come up with the perfect walk into a bar joke yet? And you might appreciate this, check out my last edit on HowTo:Commit the perfect murder. Let it snow let it snow let it snow. Aleister 21:55 26-1-'12

Boko haram

Boko Haram: I am an IT dunce and have no idea how to answer you. In case you see this, thanks for the tip. I've expanded the article and have probably now satirised that lunatic organisation as much as I can without ranting.. but suggestions are welcome.

Hey!

Wanna get on IRC? -- 03:14, January 27, 2012 (UTC)

Yup, going. Mattsnow 03:34, January 27, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks

For the unnews bump on main page. I switched the Romney link to Colbert, because the Romney page should be VFD material. I won't fix it though, see my note on its talk page (it fascinates me what has not happened to the page). Did you check out my note above, at what I found earlier that was lingering on a page for at least half a year (can't remember the date). Well, thanks again, and I'll edit some more. Aleister 3:51 27-1-'12

My only deception was that you didn't talk about Ron Paul in a lulzy but POSITIVE light. May be VFH material, but now I won't nom the established users on VFH, since they know you can nom yourself. The tupperware one is great eh? Hope the guy sticks around. Mattsnow 04:04, January 27, 2012 (UTC)

I'll try to work Paul into it, but a nom would end up like the other political one, timeliness issues would defeat it. The Florida primary is Tuesday, and it looks like Romney actually won tonight's debate and Gingrich hurt himself, which is too bad. Yes, the Tupperware one was a great idea. I used to live in a house where we had numerous raves, and they were really fun. Lots of dancing. The twist he came up with was maybe unique, and when you get a twisty idea like that the page almost writes itself. Wait, I just remembered, what did I say earlier? Aleister too tired, almost signed my real name, I've seen that done twice here.

p.s. There, a Ron Paul paragraph has emerged from your request. In the debate he challenged the other candidates to beat him in a 25-mile bike ride.

Great! You're a big boy enough to judge if it should go on VFH Mattsnow 06:15, January 27, 2012 (UTC)

Standing Outside a Broken Telephone Booth with Money in My Hand

I saw the question you asked Lyrithya about {{Lead articles}}. I was going to call you and let you know that if you want to add 2 more articles to that template, you've also got to fix the {{Lead Articles}} template to accept them. (Yep, there're two different templates.) But...I guess I can't tell you that, as the phone booth is broken.  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Jan 29 '12 2:44 (UTC)

Could you also go and see the last question I asked LYrithya? Mattsnow 02:51, January 29, 2012 (UTC)

Um...I can't tell what happened. Were you asking her why your article didn't show up in the "latest news" stream properly?  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Jan 29 '12 3:15 (UTC)

Yes, I think she knows why, but I recreated it, changing some minor things in the title. Also, the search box throws me off the site everytime I use it... Shit's getting weird! Mattsnow 03:19, January 29, 2012 (UTC)

Did you write the article a couple of days ago? If so, that's why it would show up further down in the "latest news" listings than you expected. The "latest news" template uses a parser function which relies on "date of creation", not "date it was moved into the UnNews namespace". Also, yeah, the search box is shit. It's Wikia's fault. Everything's Wikia's fault. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Jan 29 '12 3:50 (UTC)

Try typing "HoS" in the search box. Should take ya right to the Hall o' Shame.  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Jan 29 '12 3:52 (UTC)

doesn't work, guess I'll call my service provider AAARRGHH! Mattsnow 04:13, January 29, 2012 (UTC)

Are you sriusly srious or just half srious surrey-ish?

You put the sea river monster story on the main que, lol, I thought you'd see it and throw it back on my userspace. Your De la Hoya story is much better, and Funnybony's masterpiece is too masterpiecery for uncyclopedia--what's he trying to do, man, bum us out about a country's propensity to go to war for economic and israeli reasons? So thanks, and I hope wikia doesn't mess up the search boxes with all you guys complaining about them. I use the old skin where the box is on the left and this works just fine. Spoilsports. Al 11:40 29-1-'12

Hey great, you know you always write good ones! I laughed the other day when you put blanked the page in the summary, you'll make Lyrithya go berserk! I had the sheer gal to put the de la hoya story on VFH. What an embarassment that is! I follow boxing a lot and didn't even knew about those crossdressing pics. It seems they surfaced in 2008 and he finally admitted in 2011 that they were real. There's more on google image if that interests you. They made me laugh for at least half-an-hour, me and my buddies used to like him a lot. Talk about going from hero to zero lol. Mattsnow 11:58, January 29, 2012 (UTC)

VFH is a good place for a rant, and I didn't know about the pictures either. Interesting, and he would have pulled it off if it wasn't for the high heels. You should think about talking to Funnybony about boxing if you haven't, he's got some great memories and experiences with the mayhem, ah, sport, and you guy could share quite a bit. I teamed up with him on our features on Dempsey and Mike Tyson, but he started both of them. My favorite is Muhammed Ali, because I could actually take him in 10 rounds now. In my own life my personal favorite--brag brag--fight line was one I've immemorialized at the bottom of the Mohandas Gandhi page, something I actually said when I first walked up and met his grandson (how many times do you get a chance to say it in context, that's what I thought). Alei'r 12:10 29-1-'12

HEY MATTSNOW

For you. I'm spamming you! But...on less than five pages. So it's okay...right???

Anyways...I have been really really wanted to have a colab of the four of us: You, Aleister, Magic man and I. And I thought a great topic would be spam. An article either on the actual tin canned meat (which ive never seen but Ive heard is awful) or about computer spam, in any form (HowTo: Spam your way to success), (HowTo: Cook with spam without getting cancer) or something. Anyhoo...I dont think its a question for any of us IF we are going to do this, but when! WHEN!?!??!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend and here is a small version of the spam image...just for you (and two other people):

--ShabiDOO 14:07, January 29, 2012 (UTC)

Alright, I'm in. Tell me when you start it, I personnally think PC SPAM would be better than that canned shit, which I never tasted, but just seeing the can doesn't encourage me to eat that crap! Mattsnow 14:11, January 29, 2012 (UTC)

You shut up, Mattnow. Spam is like salted heaven. -- 14:35, January 29, 2012 (UTC)

I try to imagine what a rubbery chunk of processed ham in a tin would taste like. My imagination goes wild! --ShabiDOO 14:44, January 29, 2012 (UTC)

A salted heaven that makes you grow a 3rd arm :) Mattsnow 15:03, January 29, 2012 (UTC)

More junk mail

I shoved this into your slot!

Anyways, Ali said he doesn't like the topic because he is slowly growing breasts with his growing vegan tendencies, which happens on a diet of lentils, sesame seed paste and wild rice. So, would you guys mind waiting a day or two until Ali suggests an alternative topic? If he doesn't or has some other excuses not to colab, then doing a colab, the three of us, on a computer spam related topic will be cool! Or we can simultaneously do two at the same time. Thoughts?

--ShabiDOO 01:48, January 30, 2012 (UTC)

Not true, he lies he lies, although I do have the finest lentils and rice receipe known to man--it's my "signature" dish. The topic is fine, although I suggested we all work on a nontimely UnNews together, an unnews collab sounds fun and unique. Let's do it! Aleister 12:28 30-1-'12

And...

I haven't whored a page since 2010, or maybe that Madison Movement page, or... but I am requesting a goooood long read of my James Bevel page on VFH. This was a labour of love at first kite, his is a history which is so interesting only because it is so hidden. Here uncy can actually argue that we have the best page on the innernests on a topic (seriously}. Anyway, call me Sandwich Board Sally. Aleister 12:32 30-1-'12

I added a couple of photos to the Boko Haram page. I took the traffic cones off...was this premature? If so, go ahead & put them back!Sisyphus 22:46, January 30, 2012 (UTC)

Guess what?

Coldplay dedicated a song to me. You wouldn't happen to be Chris Martin, would you? --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   23:15, January 30, 2012 (UTC)

Also, I think the recipe is done. I put it up for a pee review to get some more inspiration for whatever we might have missed. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   23:38, January 30, 2012 (UTC)

Hahaha! That's funny! Mattsnow 05:36, January 31, 2012 (UTC)

Lead articles

Hi. Check this out: User:Bizzeebeever/Template. Let me know if that would be simpler/better; you can add as many stories as you want, you just have to keep them numbered properly (which is pretty simple; there's only one number per entry.)  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Jan 31 '12 1:32 (UTC)

Hey, that's great! So I could add as many stories as I want? Mattsnow 05:34, January 31, 2012 (UTC)

Yeah, give it a try.  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Jan 31 '12 5:53 (UTC)

Boop! ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Fri, Feb 3 '12 16:38 (UTC)

The fenomenal four

I thought it might be better to have a little informal and stress free user page to organise stuff and the like (so that other users dont get tired of seeing our conversations about it on our talk pages, get jelouse, and then sabotage us. Its HERE --ShabiDOO 17:58, January 31, 2012 (UTC)

woo woo. Matt, I've written another news page, and wanted to ask when a good time to submit it would be. Should I hold off a day or two, as you've got lots of news flowing in, or just let 'er rip. Thanks. And I've got an exclusive on Ron Paul's recent attempt to get change for a dollar. Stay tuned. Aleister 2:07 3-2-'12

Just throw it on the pile bro, I'll read it tomorrow, but you can put it on the frontpage, no problem! Mattsnow 02:18, February 3, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks, naw, I'll keep polishing it and ride it in tomorrow. Needs links, I've neglected links in this one and I'll also let it simmer and read it anew tomorrow to see what settles in or out. I dashed off a page today called "Peacock", one of those quick ones that come sometimes. Hopefully it'll be a quick on for Happy Monkey. Are you playing Happy Monkey? Should be fun again. And please keep going with the Walk into a bar collab, with some editing in a week or so we should have some good jokes on the page. Please put on your genius hat and write up one or three or ten excellent and polished walk into a bar jokes. If a few of us really sharpen the page up it can be one of the best wiab pages on the innernest. Aleister 2:23 3-2-'12

UnSignpost - 3 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!

February 3th, 2012 • Issue 156 • There might be wild hungry cows on the loose!

On Felonies And Awards By RAHB Hello. I was sitting in the study this evening, sipping imported white jasmine tea while reading Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2 in E Minor proudly flowing into the room by way of a full orchestra I had composed of Hungarian slave children I'd purchased on the black market, when it suddenly hit me. I realized that there should be a way to communicate to the Uncyclopedian community (as well as our friends down at the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who hold a free shrimp buffet every second Wednesday) that the yearly awards for 2011 had been recently voted on, tallied, and awarded to their respective award-winners. Then it hit me, again! "Reginald," I said to myself aloud, severely confusing the few English-speaking members of my illegal young orchestra, "Why not personally drive across the world in an old Ford Torino, spreading the excellent news to everyone?" This idea was bound to work. In short, it didn't work. I'd explain the whole sordid tale, but I need to leave room in this thing for the actual news itself, so without further adieu (I do, too), here are your 2011 "...Of The Year" winners. Writer of the Year - Black flamingo11 and Sog1970 Uncyclopedian of the Year - Zombiebaron Potatochopper of the Year - Lyrithya Useless Gobshite of the Year - Roman Dog Bird and Lyrithya (cheaters) Zombiebaron of the Year - Zombiebaron and Zombiebaron (Runner-up: Zombiebaron) Congratulations to all winners, formerly prospective winners, nominees who didn't have a shot in hell at becoming winners, and Virgil Gordon of the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who last week correctly guessed the exact number of jelly beans inside of the mason jar that was set out in front of the lodge. Unfortunately, no prize was associated with guessing that there were 592 beans in the jar, as it was not intended as a contest, but as a mere decoration. In the future, the lodge will explicitly state the purpose of all jelly bean-filled mason jars by way of a small cardboard sign propped up against the jar. The Top 10 Articles of 2011 voting is also finished, but all of them haven't been re-featured and listed yet, so we're not going to mention that we know the winners until next week. Thank you for your support By PIGGY Good morning, Uncyclopedians (or evening, or possibly afternoon, depending on where you happen to be when you happen to read this). It is with high honour and big words that I announce that I have the utmost appreciation for your fine community here; for all of the squabbles on discussion pages and intractable behavioural issues demonstrated therein, you all have yet again exceeded even the highest expectations. Yes, you had the courage and decency to support me in my quest for wiki-domination, elevating my to the position of sysop, an endeavour for which I am tremendously grateful. As much as it would please me to richly reward you all for this show of faith, however, I must regretfully inform you that as a sockpuppet and general test account of User:Lyrithya, I am not actually authorised to act in any capacity exceeding the plausible scope of productivity and the odd prank or two. My sincerest apologies.

Check out these pages! This seems dangerous... I told you it was dangerous! This is all that damn monkey's fault! Well, go on... Skyrim-related bans: Modusoperandi changed block settings for Lyrithya with an expiry time of 1 hour (Overcharging for empty soul crystals.) Modusoperandi blocked ChiefjusticeDS with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Failing to take advantage of the "rested bonus".) ChiefjusticeDS blocked Lyrithya with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (I shall set upon thee with my artificially increased smithing and enchanting skills. You shall perish beneath the world's largest stack of Iron daggers.) Lyrithya blocked GEORGIEGIBBONS with an expiry time of 32 seconds ‎ (How dare you mention Skyrim in my presense!) Lyrithya blocked Under user with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Oh, High Hrothgar, is it? You know what? I'll just take this opportunity to push you off the throat of the world... there's a nice glitched rock down there for you to get stuck in. ) Lyrithya blocked ChiefjusticeDS with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ ([1] - Seriously?) WP:ANI humour! Oh, I must have missed it when they changed policy so that we just take a suspected sockpuppet's word that he's not a sockpuppet. Raul654 (talk) 19:21, 2 February 2012 (UTC) That principle was established in 2010: [2] [3] SandyGeorgia (Talk) 19:28, 2 February 2012 (UTC) Something happened to the UnSignpost staff They all disappeared. What happened? Where did they go? Will there ever be any more UnSignposts after this? A diagram of a hammer: Anatomy

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:09, 3 February 2012

Zee change has been made.

From now on, edit {{Lead articles 2}}. Remember: no newlines between the {{Lead articles 2/a}} calls (unless you comment them out). Also, remember to use "arrange = (left|right|or lead)" for each article. Enjoy! If you have any other questions, feel free to shout them in my ear as I sleep.  ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sat, Feb 4 '12 7:23 (UTC)

I bring you beer and pretzels

...and see that the pretzels are a swarm! I love swarms. The political story is going, well or not, please check my addits and see if they flow with what you had in mind. If the words are just right the joke can define the entire GOP race within itself, you've created a riddle wrapped in an enigma walking into a bar. Aleister 18:18 18-18-'18

I hope it doesn't show I like Ron Paul a lot. I thought about Obama coming in and being unable to order a beer without a teleprompter to close it, but just can't figure a good way to put it. Oh well, we're not in a hurry Mattsnow 18:24, February 4, 2012 (UTC)

PS Your edits are just awesome! Nice way of not sounding homophobic, I was quite puzzled by that Santorum part, I meant "plague" would be the way thiss asshole sees it. BTW, try googling "Santorum" and read the 1st thing that pops there. You're gonna be floored! Mattsnow 18:28, February 4, 2012 (UTC)

Oh noes, it's now the 3rd thing that comes out :S The even funnier part is that it's on Wikipedia Mattsnow 18:30, February 4, 2012 (UTC)

Paul, I didn't know you like Ron Paul. Please change anything I did, especially if I missed a ironic twist-joke. How about a separate joke right under the GOP joke: "Barack Obama, a closeted gay puppet of the ruling class, walks into a bar but is unable to order a drink without his telepromter. As he waits for Axelrod to set it up he flashes that winning smile, and suddenly the drinks are on the house!" The worse for me was when he had his huge teleprompter set up in a kids classroom! Aleister 18:38 4-2-'12

p.s. I knew about that Santorum definition, sorry to see it's been pushed to third. It shall rise again, and come out even clearer and fluidier!

OMG, just saw the video you're talking about on Youtube! It's not an address to the nation, goddammit! He's with small kids and probably not even on TV. Incredible. Remember when he was elected people said he is so wise and there were like 2 million people in the streets after his inauguration? Anyway, let's not get too carried away here. Huhum. For the article, did you have a timeline or something? Because I'll think about it some more and maybe add some other jokes if you're not in a hurry. *storms off to buy a teleprompter so I'll have something interesting to say at dinner* Mattsnow 19:38, February 4, 2012 (UTC)

Life imitates walk into a bar jokes. No timeline, lots of time. I think it should be full of very good original jokes when it is mainspaced, and if a few people work on it with other users polishing their own jokes, we can have consensus on when it's ready. I'm typing this off a teleprompter, and it looks like it ends now. No, not yet, oh, okay, now. Aleister 20:25 4-2-'12

I spoke to

Lyr and Chief about something UnNews related. To lazy to re-say it, but you might want to read it. Pup 05:27 05 Feb '12

20

Twenty features, congrats. That's a fine level of features, not many people have gotten there, and Steve Irwin would have been proud to have helped you earn it, if he wasn't so suicidal. I wish I had another feature, and my James Bevel page is just sitting there waiting for your comments (needs something else, something taken away, something on something sex, any advice welcome). I popped that Obama joke in walk into a bar, under your gop candidates, seems to work fine if not too stupid. So, 20! Yay! Alekister 17:16 6-2-'12

Thanks, the number ain't too important, but it's cool to know I made people laugh 20 times! I think we have consensus on the collab of 4 people. I'll go read your page. Mattsnow 17:36, February 6, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks for your vote, made my day, or at least part of my day. Ah, a consensus, I forgot we had that thing. I'll go look at it. Twenty a nice round number. I counted to 20 once just using all my dangly things one time apiece, and keeping track of it in my head. Aleister 20:12 6-2-'12

I counted to 20 once too, but it was so much of a cognitive effort that the room started to spin and I fell unconscious at 16 :S Mattsnow 22:01, February 6, 2012 (UTC)

I counted to 21 once. But then the cops came and made me put my shoes and pants back on. Man, that was a bad day at work. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Mon, Feb 6 '12 22:57 (UTC)

Rock and roll MattSnow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --ShabiDOO 22:58, February 6, 2012 (UTC)

Whoaa... stop making the rest of us look bad Matthew! --Black Flamingo 23:08, February 6, 2012 (UTC)

hahaha, you didn't guess my name quite right, BF, remember we use French here! (Giving away too much info here *starts a paranoid binge*) Mattsnow 02:10, February 7, 2012 (UTC)

Porkskins

Hi Matt. I had a look at that article you tagged and decided it was vanity rather than anything that could be improved by the author responsible. We'll see if there is a come back. --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 18:56, February 6, 2012 (UTC) It was also crap

I don't doubt for a minute it was awful, I didn't read it. I was right in the middle of chatting while making coffee and playing ping-pong at the same time. Multitasking lol Mattsnow 21:59, February 6, 2012 (UTC)

I may retire from uncy now...

...for I have reached my peak of humour purity and can go no further. I have just added Category:Teen Angst to "The Diary of Anne Frank". Good to know you, and keep up the good work. Aleik 2:57 7-2-'12

I have rebutted you on Rom's tp. I totally don't agree with you, as you'll see. We need to have just ONE article on here, but the best one. Are you trying to coerce me into reading one of your wretched article there? If so, please include the link, since I don't want to miss it! This guy raping his 15 year old daughter is my new hero! (Great thing to say here LMFAO) Mattsnow 03:09, February 7, 2012 (UTC)

No link to an article, just putting categories on pages I look at on Random feature. Are you on pcp right. Yes, I will rape anyone's 15 year old daughter if the price is right. Oh, you mean Bevel, good hero material for sure, and the charge (he claimed conspiracy to hide his history) he denied it in such a way that he may have done a Gandhi thing of not defending himself against a false accusation. An interesting study though, his life at different periods. Young man, save the world, old fart, save money on a date. I will look at Roma's talk page. Here I go. Aleister 3:18 7-2-'12

I like how you made fun of the accusation in the article, and by reading between the lines I am incline to say it was a hoax by I can't really say since I didn't know the lad. All great revolutionaries have had a dirty accusation come their way. JFK didn't: he had a more express way of going out: a bullet to the head... Ron Paul may fall under that category but let's not worry too much: Voting fraud is alive and well. Remember these are Jews voting Mattsnow 04:35, February 7, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 10 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!

February 10th, 2012 • Issue 157 • Ack! Ack! Ack!

Something happened this week. By RAHB Hello, Uncyclopedia. I don't think it's any secret to you all that something of utmost importance happened this previous week. Even with a coconut beer hangover, you'd surely be blind not to notice the far-reaching repercussions associated with this very important event that recently happened. Oh sure, I know there are those of you who believe that it really isn't all that big a deal. And there are those of you who will pretend to be aloof, and act like you know nothing about it. And, as always, there will be those of you who believe this is all simply a plot executed by the insidious Uncyclopedia Cabal (which does not exist) to try to crush the will of regular users, enhance power in the English quadrant, and advance their attempts at obtaining an M&Ms machine for the dump. We here at the UnSignpost would like to remind you that these claims are ridiculously unsubstantiated. Except, of course, for the bit about the M&Ms. In the coming days, the aftershock of these events will come to a screaming peak, as countless forum topics are created, talk-page flamewars are started, and before you know it we're experiencing a virtual Titus Andronicus effect being enacted upon our peaceful wiki. When asked for comment, Modusoperandi will say something unrelated, yet witty, and we'll all step back for a moment and realize what's happening to us. We will then continue on in our back-and-forth for an indeterminate amount of time, probably zombifying the topic several times over before it finally fizzes out later on down the line, then being re-awoken and used to adopt new site policy. This, in turn, will spawn a similarly detailed UnSignpost story, if we're still around by then. Personally I blame this all on the one who was holding the watermelon at the time. You know who you are. You disgust me. Shit Happens Editorial by a guy who has been exposed to shit for a long, long time Shit Happens all the time. Lets say ... you're drinking some kind of soda and it accidentally spills onto your shirt. Or you are biting on a burger when you accidentally choke to death but nobody cares. Or your penis falls off. Anyway, my point is, there are some negatives in life but you must learn to tolerate them .. especially when you're a fat ass who sits in your room spending your entire life consuming hotdogs and giggling at comedies on television while jacking off to classical fucks and trolling on the Internet which is absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME. So always be positive, even when your balls drop off. Or your penis. Or even your cat. Because as you know, the World isn't fair ever since some dick with an ass of a triangle set foot on this Earth. So get used to life, and if you can, get used to the dicks who banned your ass and spammed your page which is also, absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME. Oh, and always remember to stay on the bright side even if you are found lying naked with an underwear eight times the size of your penis and you get arrested, get thrown in jail, get beaten up by a kid who apparently isn't a kid and get castrated unintentionally while having a sandwich crammed down your throat trying to squat in a cell and you finally get out after 5 years only to get run down by an ass in a car and you get admitted to hospital but a doctor feeds you the wrong medicine and you rot away and die and you get dumped into the sewers. So remember kids ... always be posi-

Check out these pages! What? Yeah. Duh. Wow. Huh? From our logs: MrN9000 blocked 168.216.126.200 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(You need to use the toilet) Lyrithya blocked Zana Dark with an expiry time of 13 seconds ‎(I'd never blocked you. I felt left out.) Romartus blocked 86.12.164.5 with an expiry time of 6 months ‎(You have form sir. Six months living on moths for you.) RAHB changed block settings for Pisippo with an expiry time of infinite (Wonderful way to respond to a one-hour ban. I salute your arrogance.) RAHB blocked 86.186.208.180 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Yes, hello. Stop creating utter shite, please. Thanks.) MrN9000 blocked Eddie1334 with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(Although what you say may be true, you still get banned. Surprisingly.) Slime mold of the week: Stemonitis sp. Questions of the Week Q: Am I supposed to be in here? User: Haydrahlienne A: Yes, you can be in here as long as you want. Just don't touch the monkey. Or the cheese. And don't eat the last biscuit. Also avoid upsetting our editor as he has a temper and a shotgun under his desk....Actually, you should just go. Q: Have you answered all of the questions on this page? User:RAHB A: We don't know, why don't you tell us? (A paradox for a paradox. Ball is in your court RAHB) Custom box #4 of the Week Custom box #4 is quite the Custom box #4. In fact, not only has it been named Custom box #4 of the Week, but it's expected to be high in the running for Custom box #4 of the Year, if the other custom boxes start pulling their weight. Whatever the case may be, individual awards aside, there's not a doubt in any Custom box #4 enthusiast's mind that when, one day, Custom box #4 walks down the long and distinguished path of retirement, it'll be immediately greeted by the opening of the gate to the coveted Custom box #4 Hall Of Fame.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 10:24, 10 February 2012

Ron Paul has cooties

Thanks for the foolitzer nom, that is really nice. It curdles or heats my insides, one or the other. And thank you for liking the Gandhi statue story enough to front page it, I didn't know if it was worthy of that because it is actually true and we are the only news source to report the story (I've seen it myself, and when you tickle his feet he kind of giggles in a metalic sort of way). I like Gem the best. Aleister 16:50 10-2-'12

Because you mainpage-spaced it, I added another pic and paragraph to the Gandhi news. You have a place in hindu heaven, fer sur. Sri Vedagitakrishnananda 19:46 10-2-'12

Just doing my job lol Mattsnow 22:26, February 10, 2012 (UTC)

This

The defense rests. And takes a nap. Aleister 11:26 11-2-'12

Happy Monkey

Hey Mattsnow...it's not too late to enter the competition. I'd really prefer to see you writing an article than judging? If you can't...its no big deal, I'm sure youll be a great judge. But yeah...think about it. 36 hours is an eternity for me...when I write the first draft of my articles. Yeah! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! --ShabiDOO 11:39, February 11, 2012 (UTC)

The horse calling the kettle donkey. Shabidoo, I can still give you a topic too. Aleister 11:43 11-2-'12

Err, I don't really like to take part in competitions, but I'll be happy to be a judge that cannot be bought! Under 100$. Mattsnow 15:28, February 11, 2012 (UTC)

Boko Haram

I came back to edit the Boko Haram page and found it...gone! Did I leave it too long to come back, or did someone maybe take exception to it? I have a saved version somewhwere and can reload it if appropriate...what do you think? Sisyphus 09:12, February 12, 2012 (UTC)

Hey Mattsnow

I'm on MSN for the next half hour. --ShabiDOO 18:54, February 12, 2012 (UTC)

Judging

Time to get judging for the Happy Monkey Competition here, you have upto a week. Please give every article that was submitted a score out of 10 for whatever reason you so choose. If you like, you can leave a sentence or two on their pee review page (or more if you would like to) for each article, but its not mandatory. If you do, as I am saying to all the judges, please please please keep it positive (though by all means critique and point out what you don't like) and be extra encouraging to the nOObs. So then...thanks a million for agreeing to judge. --ShabiDOO 01:15, February 13, 2012 (UTC)

Sometimes...

...I catch things like you not getting the Foolitzer, others I never catch onto. TFK met us all in a dark alley last night and beat the crap out of us for not ever giving you the Foolitzer. It hurt, and I am bruised like that time daddy slugged me for stealing a kiss and a feel of mommy's underthings. There are worse things in life than that, and this is one of them. Foolitzer! (I sold mine for lots of lentils, like a year's worth!) Aleister 20:55 15-2-'12

Cool! Congrats for the "homophone" article, you really found a great angle for it! Mattsnow 20:58, February 15, 2012 (UTC)

The lentils were cool. Thanks, and thanks for the great score on the page. The angle was kind of obvious (a horrible topic to get, it was like "What am I going to do with this", but I guess that's what the contest is about.) I am still surprised none of us caught that you hadn't won the Foolitzer, so TFK is to be congratulated. More than you, actually. TFK did such a great job in realizing that you never won it that he actually deserves it for that alone. Yay TFK. I should nom him and change my vote, and give you a spiritual for, but I am too lazy at the moment. Aleister 21:16 15-2-'12

UnSignpost - 18 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

February 18th, 2012 • Issue 158 • This is the place to be for the end of the world show.

Important competition news By The Cabal (which doesn't exist) As you all are no doubt aware due to paying the utmost attention to that which goes on around you, there was a competition this week, or possibly last week, or at very least, at some point relatively recently. This competition was the 2012 Happy Monkey Competition, in which various contestants competed to do something possibly monkey-related. According to the sitenotice, it is wrapping up around now, waiting only for the judges to show up and do their damn jobs, or, as the case may be, leave already so the janitor can clean up; it's not the competition hosts' fault you're homeless, and it's not their job to provide you with shelter past the allotted judging hours. What the rest of you may be less aware of, however, is certain controversy that has inevitably sprung up about this contest. Allegations of unfairness in proctoring and judging and a general lack of effective organisation and topics have no doubt sprung up, as they invariably do with every competition. Complications have also indubitably arisen from the tendencies of certain individuals to simply do things without asking, and of others to ask first and then ignore the responses. Rest assured, for the cabal is watching, and all who disturb the order of things will be dealt with accordingly. MOAR PENIS By RAHB Penisman has been sorely under-utilized as of late. In fact, he's been sorely under-utilized as of recent, and sorely under-utilized as of the past while as well. I just have one thing to say about this... Prepare for World Domination By Oliphaunte After a pro-longed session of drinking high-quality whiskey and smoking imported Cuban cigars, the fate of the world was finally decided between the Oli brothers. The western world, under the dominion of the English Empire and her colonies, would come under the complete control of King Olipro, while the eastern world consisting of the USSR and the powerful nation of Monaco would come under the control of Head Commissioner Oliphaunte. The two leaders would then combine their powerful empires into one global superpower and conquer all the little nations with their armies of pirate robots and Flying undead pilots. After which, a spaceship made completely out of cotton balls and masking tape would be launched to conquer Mars, Saturn, Venus, Uranus, and Neptune. Not Pluto, though, because that's no longer a planet. Instead, the two Olies will construct a replica Star Wars deathstar, which will be painted completely blue to avoid copyright infringement with Lucasarts (George Lucas now owns nuclear devices and becomes unstable when his trademarks are re-created without permission), and will use it to blow up Pluto for the hell of it. The planets will then be under the jurisdiction of the top friends of the two Olies. Saturn will go to Zombiebaron, Mars will go to Lyrithya, Neptune will go to Black flamingo11, Venus will go to Dr. Skullthumper and Uranus will go to Mattsnow simply because he wouldn't stop laughing when we told him Uranus was conquered. Now that the plan and been decided and the gears are in motion, it's only a matter of time before the entire world is conquered by Uncyclopedia, and everyone will be forced to contribute at least one article everyday about how great their overlords, Oliphaunte, Olipro, and friends, truly are! Mwhahahahahahha. Ha? It was then that Oliphaunte woke up in a back alley somewhere in Atlantic City with a dozen empty bottles of whiskey, a bag a hemp, and a calling card for male prostitutes. There was also a note next to him that read, "You got drunk and threw up on my living room rug, so I flew you to Atlantic city, beat you up, and left you with a bunch of male hookers. Also, stole you Hageen-Daaz from the freezer. -Love, Olipro." Oliphaunte then realized that the plan for world domination was just a dream...Oh well, at least he has rollbacks now.

Check out these pages! Potatochopping. Who are you? WHAT THE FUCK! New Award of the Month. From our logs: Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 90.217.205.53 with an expiry time of 2 hours (You're so hilarious I have to ban you for two hours.) Thekillerfroggy blocked Buffsfootball6 with an expiry time of 2 weeks (all due respect (none), but my fat friend is like twice as fat probably) ChiefjusticeDS blocked 142.227.189.60 with an expiry time of 3 Days (Inserting Vanity: and generally failing to cause me to laugh uproariously. ) Roman Dog Bird blocked 218.185.79.222 with an expiry time of 1 week (My dog could kick your ass and he's small.) Excuse of the Week Hi, it's Lyrithya. Sorry for not being around much; I got the bright idea to reinstall the operating systems on my laptops on Monday and that kind of killed all my spare time since. Well, that and the beading. Also got the bright idea on Wednesday to buy a whack-load of beads and try to turn them into jewellery. To that end, so far I've only managed to chemically melt some peacock feathers together, but I have high hopes for the rest of it. And on the plus side, KDE works. Sort of. It's kind of slow. On Windows, at least. Anyway, if anyone was wondering, this would probably be why nobody remembered to write the UnSignpost for this week until now. Other Excuse of the Week Hi, it's RAHB. Sorry for the UnSignpost being late, but my hard drive blew up this week. And then other stuff happened. This would probably be why I didn't remind anybody to write the UnSignpost for this week. A Word From Zombiebaron Nothing notable happened to my computer this week, and, therefore, I don't really have an excuse for this week's late UnSignpost. Well Hello. My Name is Oliphaunte And I now have rollbacks. What's your user protection level? None? Well, that must suck for you. I wouldn't know cause, well, I've got rollbacks. You know that ludacris song "Rollout"? Yea, that's essentially my life right now, but with rollbacks. You know what that makes me feel like? A badass. Why am I a badass? Because I've got rollbacks. My name is Oliphaunte and I approve this rollbacked message.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 07:56, 18 February 2012

Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Siri

It was a genuine request, off the back of me advising the new user to use pee review if he wanted an article reviewed. What I added was a nudge in the right direction. Hopefully by the time we get to that point in the queue the article will have developed a fair amount more. Pup 02:20 18 Feb '12

Happy Monkey

My dear dear dear Mattsnow. Thank you for judging, and double thankyou for leaving a sentence or two for each user. It was all, very positive and constructive criticism (as always). RAH RAH RAH!!! --ShabiDOO 10:34, February 20, 2012 (UTC)

No problem, it was funny, I think I'll participate next time, I really didn't know the concept, it was a cool one! Mattsnow 13:01, February 20, 2012 (UTC)

Monkey Happy

This monkey is happy, and wants to formally thank you for the nice score, for judging the contest and not playing (you would have run rings around me, then thrown a banana in my face and drew smiley banana faces on it), and for keeping the Happy Monkey contest alive and well. Lots of people had fun, and judging by the judging, so did the judges who liked all the pages. So, lots of thanks. Aleister 11:55 20-2-'12

No problem, it was funny, I think I'll participate next time, I really didn't know the concept, it was a cool one! Mattsnow 13:01, February 20, 2012 (UTC) (Yes, copypasta from the above section lol, I'm lazy this morning :) Let's get coffee. Mattsnow 13:01, February 20, 2012 (UTC)

Honkey Mappy

This monkey is happy, and wants to formally thank you for the nice score, for judging the contest and not playing (you would have run rings around me, then thrown a banana in my face and drew smiley banana faces on it), and for keeping the Happy Monkey contest alive and well. Lots of people had fun, and judging by the judging, so did the judges who liked all the pages. So, lots of thanks. Pup 01:07 20 Feb '12 (Two can play at that game) Pup 01:07 20 Feb '12

No problem, it was funny, I think I'll participate next time, I really didn't know the concept, it was a cool one! Mattsnow 13:01, February 20, 2012 (UTC) (3rd copy pasta lol)

UnSignpost - 23 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!

February 23rd, 2012 • Issue 159 • FUS RO Journalism!

Softly softly, happy Monkey By Chief Now we here at the UnSignpost would be the first to admit that our coverage of the Happy Monkey Competition has amounted to less than the laser show of words that you were probably expecting. It is a sincere regret of the UnSignpost that it has been unable to provide any sort of meaningful coverage of a competition which describes itself as 'pure awesomeness' on its signup page. The competition successfully concluded this week and Aleister in Chains was declared the overall winner. We were privileged not to catch up with Aleister regarding this, and you shouldn't consider it either. In second and third were ICameHereInACloche and Xamralco, who lost slightly less than everyone else. For those who don't know how the scores for the Happy Monkey competition are calculated, it is by a simple process of getting the judges to rate an article out of ten in a table, much like this one, adding all their scores up, then throwing them in the bin and letting Shabidoo decide who the winner should be. The UnSignpost is very impressed with Shabidoo's ingenuity in overruling the opinions of his peers and stomping on the faces of his enemies. Those who enjoyed the Happy Monkey should take note of Shabidoo's next competition which he calls "Forced labour in a Salt Mine, while I eat grapes and sit on a deck chair". The competition has furnished Uncyclopedia with sixteen new articles. A splendid achievement; asked just how he had done this by Mattsnow, Shabidoo replied: "Raisins! Never underestimate the alure of raisins!". The UnSignpost fervently hopes that Dr. Skullthumper is still reading the UnSignpost so that he can take this knowledge and use it to save us from ourselves, a task he accomplishes at present by lurking on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel and successfully saying the word 'penis' more than anyone else. For the fans of long unbroken blocks of text among you, this week saw the arrival of this forum in which Thekillerfroggy sets out his agenda to sell Uncyclopedia to "the man" piece by piece. He also thinks that we should bring back cash prizes, introduce a daily editing charge and require that an article can only be featured on the front page if it also attempts to sell the reader discount Viagra. Finally an administrator who isn't afraid to say what we're all thinking: "When am I ever going to get some sort of financial return for editing this humour wiki?". The last word this week goes to Modusoperandi who asks: "Is there code to keep the ads and hide the pages?". The Forum By Chief TheHappySpaceman just can't wait for April Fools day. He's so desperately excited that he has started a forum in which we can all plot and scheme about just how we will take in the entire world this April 1st. ICameHereInACloche wasted no time in suggesting that we make Uncyclopedia good for April fools day and was, quite rightly, kicked down a flight of steps by Olipro, who pointed out that it's April fools day and not Christmas. The discussion is needless anyway since I have already decided that we should do absolutely nothing for April Fools day. Except, and here's the catch and the really clever bit, we make it look like we have. We'll all sit on IRC going "Lol" at all the plebs who arrive on the website going "OMG WHAT'S CHANGED???". Shabidoo wants to know what your name is! It's not creepy at all! There's a lot of discussion going on regarding huffing! No need to read any of it, just remember that you should FIX IT, DON'T {{FIX}} IT. Administrators take note, or PuppyOnTheRadio will come to your talk page and make you feel very bad indeed. The bad news is that BHOP still exists and TheHappySpaceman is using it to plug his very own award. He could least haven chosen something that Aleister might not win every month. In conclusion: don't go to BHOP. It's not nice there.

Check out these pages! Who knows? Who agrees? Who knew? Who dunnit? Who cares? From our logs: 15:54, February 22, 2012 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (Right that's it. You are totally banned, and your services are no longer required on Uncyclopedia. (For the next 5 mins). 07:15, February 22, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman Dog Bird's anal leakage (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Why don't we ever get any pleasant vandal usernames? Like "Roman dog bird's lovely petunias" or something.) 07:20, February 22, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman dog bird's lovely petunias (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Thank you.) 02:52, February 20, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Sergeant Stud Krug Againist Vandalz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Thanks for fighting against Vandalz, here is an early retirement) 23:06, February 18, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1234 seconds ‎ (For putting Penisman into the UnSignpost. MY EYES!) Biopic of the Week Just what is a "Cloche" and how does one come here in one? This question has troubled me ever since I decided that I must biopic ICameHereInACloche. It turns out that a Cloche could be many things. It could be the French word for Bell, but how on earth would this humorous fellow have reached the shores of Uncyclopedia in a bell unless the bell were pushed down a steep hill? A cloche can also be a horticultural tool for covering up vegetables, but it very notably does not come second in the Happy Monkey competition, nor could one get anywhere if one were covering up vegetables. Perhaps this writer of legend came here as part of the classical ballet movement: battement en cloche? It would explain all the dancing. The cold hard truth of the matter is that we don't know what a cloche might be, but we know that this user has come in one, but not in that way. All those who haven't should read this splendid article and perhaps his userpage if they have an abundance of free time. Readers are also discouraged from sending us examples of the things they have come in; we were almost killed by the last one. A message from Under user Now that I don't ban people, I don't get in the signpost much. solution: more people need to ban me. with good, funny, creative reasons. it's not much to ask, huh? BAN UNDER USER! Newsroom UnTune of the Week Stalker

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:46, 23 February 2012

Had a Question

Hi Mattsnow, Just wondering,should I sign UnNews articles with my name? How else would they be identified other than looking at their history? Thanks, EpicNinjaMonkey

Ill take this one EpicNingaMonkey. First of all...your screen name is awsome! Second of all, it would be a good idea to start off by signing your posts on the talk pages. You do so by typing - twice and followed by four ~ (six characters with no space).

We dont sign articles because this is a wiki and articles dont belong to users. In theory, anyone can edit them or change them. In practice, users tend to revert the edits of users or rip other users faces of or stalk them to their homes and murder them. So thats basicallz how the authorship is identified, that being, the person who tracks down and murders anyone who tried to edit their article. Is that clear?

Dont forget to write lots of good articles and vote on stuff! (and notice how im signing this?) --ShabiDOO 23:55, February 24, 2012 (UTC)

Review on Proofreading

I don't agree with you, but it's based on 2 points:

1. The article is a nightmare to review, as it is deliberately against UN:DUMB. It has almost no context, spelling, grammar and formatting are meant to be bad, there are no images, and there are no real jokes in it. The humour is all in the concept.
2. The review was for me. Rather than dumbing down the way anything was said in there it was a fairly safe assumption that I could read between the lines and work out what was meant to be said.

Given this, and that Joe is not a regular reviewer, could I ask that you change your mind on this, and let Joe know that it was only through my intervention that it got over the line? Your call, still, but I'm actually very happy with the outcome of the review. Pup 12:23 25 Feb '12

Regarding this, it is a difficult one to call. While Joe is a newer reviewer I'm not convinced by the review in of itself as it seems to me that he wholly misses the point. However, if Puppy is pleased with the outcome then it may be just as well to give Joe the benefit of the doubt in this case. It is still up to you though Matt; you checked it in, you decide. If you're struggling give me a shout on my talk page and I'd be happy to assist. --ChiefjusticeXBox 12:39, February 25, 2012 (UTC)

I never thought a review of a Pee Review would have a relevance somehow, but since you like it Puppy, I guess the review reached its goal, so I changed it. Mattsnow 12:52, February 25, 2012 (UTC)

UnNews:Nachlader copulates with own mom, arrested for bestiality

I removed the link to the front page from the I.P. contributor on this one. It's still up as a highlighted article. I personally don't like to see abuse/navelism on the front page about another user (or an admim come to that) but at least on VFH that is a matter for the community to vote on. What do you think? (originally posted on Matt Lobster's page as er...you both have the same first name...!). --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 18:34, February 27, 2012 (UTC)

I hesitated a great deal before putting it on the front page and I went on IRC to ask for a second opinion, but there was no one. I guess I now have this second opinion! It's kind of funny if you assume Nachlader won't be angry, and I thought it was EMC who wrote it. I think you did the right thing. Mattsnow 14:04, February 28, 2012 (UTC)

Yeah, that was an odd one. You came on soon after I put the two unnews items on the front page, they seem to have passed your smell test, thanks! Did you read the thread of Above Top Secret I linked to the Document Dump article - this is huge news and I haven't seen any major coverage of it yet. Thanks for allowing my page to stand the test of time. Aleister 14:43 28-2-'12

Where is that link again? Mattsnow 15:07, February 28, 2012 (UTC)

I put in as the source of the new Five million joke dump page. The threads at Above Top Secret are much easier to read when you sign in as a member, because that kills at least some of the ads and let's you see the avatar's, which are pretty creative sometimes. I dislike the amount of ads in the place, and they seem to overbalance money making to the deteriment of their users. The doc dump is still being sifted through, and major pieces of news from it will eventually be sorted out and given their own threads (I assume). Yikers. Aleister 15:16 28-2-'12

Where's the 5M dump page, is it a forum started here? I really don't understand lol, Please give me a link even if it's full of ads and AIDS! Mattsnow 15:35, February 28, 2012 (UTC)

I hope this still works: Above Top Secret thread. And the James Bevel page will be featured on March 1st, yay! Thanks again for your vote on that. Aleister 20:57 28-2-'12

OK, cool site! Their first story is a wikileaks story. 5 million e mails. Interesting! Mattsnow 21:17, February 28, 2012 (UTC)

It was nice to find it awhile back. The stories are voted into popularity by giving flags to an article (members only, so sign up to get rid of the ads). They have lots of forum topics, and back stories that you can search for, and a good way to get around the ads is to use the "Recent posts" bar and just look at the stories where people are posting. As of last week there were almost no ads on the New Topics section, then they mucked that up too. But for content, it has no peers (the other best known conspiracy site is apparantly controlled by some intrel corporation). Anyway, good searching, I could spend hours on that thing just researching topics. Aleister 21:47 28-2-'12