Inter-Lights Inc
Passing through traffic lights should be a worry free experience. Ever since traffic lights were privatised we have revolutionised the intersectionality experience. Going through a road crossing should be fun but it should also be safe. We take care of your stop light needs so you can sleep easy each night, in a bed rather than a twisted pile of fuselage. We are your guardian angels protecting you one micro-payment at a time. Now that's 21st traffic solutions!
What makes Inter-lights Inc so amazing?[edit | edit source]
Our traffic lighting success comes from customers like you, who obey the light signals when it is convenient. [1]
- ↑ According to a private study conducted by Private-Lights Inc. Research Unlimited.
Dependable road lighting solutions systems[edit | edit source]
We are your partner in crime. Our crime is to challenge the status quo in traffic lighting dependability. [1] After your enjoyable Inter-lights inc experience we only ask for one thing: reliable bill payments on the first of every month.
- ↑ Inter-Lights does not condone nor condemn crime as is not responsible for any accidents due to malicious tampering of traffic equipment by any party including our employees nor accidents cause by police chases or hijacked aeroplanes crashing into traffic intersections.
A special kind of caring[edit | edit source]
Are you a hopeless terrible driver who cannot change gears quickly? Consider applying for our intersection insurance. We offer large pay outs to your family if you decease due to TAW (total automobile wreckage). Burn to death while trapped in your car and your family could gain $15,000 in ten yearly installments of $1,500 minus a standard 35% deductible. If you spill hot coffee on your genitals while passing through our traffic intersections we won't charge you anything, not even an administrative fee![1]
All kinds of clients[edit | edit source]
You probably drive to work. Possibly you just use your car to buy milk. Maybe you are temporarily living in your car[2], We will make your local intersection your new home, one billing cycle at a time. We are more than just algorithms and light filaments, we are Inter-Lights Incorporated, and that really means something.
- ↑ Family must prove beyond any doubt that their family member died due to skin burns rather than the car accident. Body must be identifiable and certified by twenty-two medical professionals as well as our own in house insurance consultant professional who may or may not be a registered doctor.
- ↑ Intersection charges for customers temporarily living in their car are charged directly to your bank account (no invoicing is permitted)
Your community[edit | edit source]
Has your community privatised its roads and streets yet? If yes then you've experienced our state-of-the-art driving platforms instead of public art-of-the-state death asphalt. Get your community to contract with our traffic-lights and roads and we will credit your account with twenty-five dollars which can be used for first two weeks of your membership. It cannot be used in conjunction with any other service but can be used for lane-changes and turn-signal fees. If you are the member of a city council and help us secure a traffic lighting tender, we will credit your account with $25,000 dollars which is good for up to ten years and can be used in conjunction with any other service we provide. That's the kind of limited registered incorporated private entity conglomerate you can depend on.
Our packages[edit | edit source]
We provide traffic lighting solutions 304 days a year [1] And we do it with excellence and commitment. We source our metal and glass from the finest producers in Somalia and use only the best customer service call centres in Bangladesh. With this kind of synergistic synergy our intersection prices stay well below the competitors'. It's mostly guaranteed.[2]
- ↑ "Due to agressive union actions, we cannot oblige employees to work Sundays, nor Christmas, not even Easter Sunday."
- ↑ Our prices are so constantly below our competitors', find any intersection that is more below and we will send you a letter thanking you for your comment and wishing you a wonderful day.
Basic small intersection[edit | edit source]
All traffic is priced at 2.5 cents plus applicable administrative and membership fees.[1]
- ↑ not including our 98.5 cent administrative fee (rounded up, not including tax)
Basic large intersection[edit | edit source]
Through traffic costs 3.1 cents (rounded up to 4 cents). Right turns work out to 3.4 cents (rounded up to an even 4 cents) and left turns charged at 3.6 cents (rounded up to an even 15 cents).
Complex large intersection[edit | edit source]
Prices vary. Call us at our call centre for more information or wait for your monthly bill to find out our competitive pricing. [1]
- ↑ calls cost 55 cents a minute plus applicable long distance charges. Calls are half price on the first Saturday of each year.
U turns[edit | edit source]
All U turns are charged at a minimum 29 cents plus applicable lane changing fees. We charge 49 cents if u-turns are illegal at said intersection even if you are not caught and ticketed by police or not plus applicable lane changing fees. U-turns at intersections where five or more streets meet are charged at our compound integral dynamic pricing formula using the beta-turning sliding-scale array, a standard in the industry our competitors copied from us.[1]
- ↑ For multiple road intersection pricing tables, please refer to p.822 of Volume XII of our users terms and agreements.
Monthly packages[edit | edit source]
Family light[edit | edit source]
An excellent savings for those of modest economic means. Up to two domestic use two door cars can use up to 100 basic intersection crossings (limited to left and right turns) for only $9.99 per month. [1]
- ↑ Complex intersections not included, monthly intersection crossings are limited to 25 crossings per car, crossings do not accumulate yearly, unused intersection crossing do not roll over to the following month and are considered unused. Owners are charged a surplus of five cents for each unused crossing (out of 100 basic intersection quota) per month. All prices are triple the published rate for residents of AL,AR,DL,FL,GA,NC,ND,SC,SD,TX,UT,WA. Canadian and Mexican prices are set by local government regulation updated after each 10 year census) and cannot be discounted for any reason. Members of AAA receive a discount of 0.05% per year based on a minimum annual billing of $2,500.
Family Silver[edit | edit source]
An incredible savings for those with stable and decent careers. All registered household cars can use up to 500 crossings at any intersection (not including u turns) for $49.99 a moth plus a small one time set up fee. [1]
- ↑ Set up fee ranges from $1.99 to $299.99 depending on state residence. Taxes not included. Family silver can only be subscribed by customers who have used Inter-Lights traffic lighting solutions services for 48 consecutive months without any late bill payments. Offer is not available to taxi drivers, private investigators or paparazzi.
Family Gold[edit | edit source]
Ridiculous savings for people who don't need to save money. No limits for using our traffic lights and partner traffic lights[1] at the rate of $129.99 per month in most cities. Buy our 25 year package and we send you a free Traffic-lights model car (some assembly required).[2].
Bundle[edit | edit source]
If you are smart then you have a family plan when using our private roads and streets.[1]. Inter-Lights is excited to offer you a very exciting offering. Sign up for any of our packages and we will give you an extra five free driving miles per month in any major US city for a limited time. This stupendous bundle beats every other so called "traffic solutions company" who try to out-bundle us. Find any bundle that offers a better value and we will up-bundle them by bundling your bundle with excellence and caring. [2]
We put our customers first[edit | edit source]
We put our customers first. When you get to one of our intersection at the same time as a client of one of our competitors', we will make sure that you get a green light first, and we will do our best to make our competitor's client wait as long as possible. [1] That is our commitment to safety and traffic solutioning.
- ↑ Employees of other traffic lighting solutions organizations may not enroll in any of our packages and may not use our intersections.
Frequent Questions[edit | edit source]
Do you offer the best service in private traffic lighting solutions?[edit | edit source]
We define the standard of traffic light excellence. Our commitment starts once you click on the accept terms and conditions box.
What if I am not registered?[edit | edit source]
Our cameras will take a picture of your car and scan the inside of your car via an Interlights-Inc malicious virus through your smart phone and send you a comprehensive bill to your registered address.[1]
What if I don't want to use your traffic lights?[edit | edit source]
Drivers may decide whatever route they wish and even avoid our intersections if they choose to consider going ahead with that option for whatever reason.
But I must pass at least five traffic lights in all possible itineraries from my home to work.[edit | edit source]
Inter-Lights Inc. encourages cities to plan their traffic zoning with commitment and excellence. Please contact your local city-hall representative for further information.
What is the future of private traffic lighting solutions?[edit | edit source]
Inter-Lights is the future. We never stop finding innovative traffic solutions so that you don't have to.
Future ideas include:
- Preferential green lighting. Using a smart phone app, our Platinum members will never wait more than five seconds at an intersection.
- Can't afford Gold membership? Until you can, you might use our new experimental voting system that gives drivers control (instead of impersonal sensors and algorithms) over their intersections. Using a special device and a low fee of $6.99 per use, drivers can change their light from red to green if other drivers reach a consensus.
- The inter-lights inc visa credit card has partnered up with amazon to make sure that your invoices are delivered the very next day. It's our Prime-guarantee.
I have recently had a problem with your lights[edit | edit source]
While that is highly unlikely, you are free to call our customer support service any time of the day between 3:00pm and 3:30pm.[2]
- ↑ Owners of stolen cars are responsible for any intersections crossed during the theft of vehicle until the car is returned to said owner unless car theft intersection crossing insurance is secured by customer at a rate of $79.99 per year with a $750 deductible.
- ↑ Calls are charged at regular customer service rates at $9.99 for the first minute and 9 cents for each subsequent 10 seconds to a maximum charge of $47.99 billed directly to your bank account
Employment Opportunities[edit | edit source]
Are you interested in working for Americ'as best solutions company in America? Can you type or write down numbers or words? Are you passionate about traffic intersections? Do you excel in excellence? If you answered yes or maybe to any of these questions then Inter-Lights Inc needs you. We offer a yearly salary, all Sundays and most holidays off with a free one week unpaid vacation and a very generous 2% discount on all our intersections and bundles.
Disclaimer[edit | edit source]
Section I:
Inter-Lights Inc. is a member of the Inter-MegaCorp. limited private equity options merger foundation. All rights reserved. All the above information is subject to change at any time without notice. Private lighting billing in Colorado and Iowa is deducted from all pay checks. Any equipment failure is the liability of our outsourcing partner Bengali Lighting Corp. and is not the responsibility of Inter-Lights Inc. Inter-Lights Inc. publishes tarrifs both on printed advertisements, on-line adds and on its website. If two different sources publish two different rates, the highest rate is the one applicable. Veterans are given free Intersection usage on Veteran's day (only applied if Veteran is driving in their own registered car). Inter-Lights Inc. is registered as a indemnised constituency in the Cayman Islands and is subject to local laws and corporate tax rates. Inter-Lights Inc is officially registered as "Inter-Lights Inc." Any other company acting as "Inter-Lights Inc". is not "Inter-Lights Inc." and should be treated as so.
Section II: The following is the previous text in extra small fine print for clients who prefer fine print text in an extra small font.
Inter-Lights Inc. is a member of the Inter-MegaCorp. limited private equity options merger foundation. All rights reserved. All the above information is subject to change at any time without notice, including fees and membership plans. Billing occurs on the last day of the month. Private lighting billing in Colorado and Iowa is deducted from all civil servants pay. All fees do not include tax and a monthly charge of $39.99 per driver per car per household. Any equipment failure is the liability of our outsourcing partner Bengali Lighting Corp. and is not the responsibility of Inter-Lights Inc. Employees of other traffic lighting solutions organizations may not enroll in any of our packages and may not use our intersections. Inter-Lights Inc. publishes tarrifs both on printed advertisements, on-line adds and on its website. If two different sources publish two different rates, the highest rate is the one applicable by law stated in our terms of user agreement option acceptance. Veterans are given free Intersection usage on Veteran's day (only applied if Veteran is driving in their registered car). Inter-Lights Inc. is registered as a indemnised constituency in the Cayman Islands and is subject to local laws and zero corporate tax rates. Share holders are expected to declare profits to their local tax office and is not responsible for share holders who are busted by by IRS inspectors. Inter-Lights Inc is officially registered as "Inter-Lights Inc." Any other company acting as "Inter-Lights Inc". is not "Inter-Lights Inc." and should be treated as so. We are not responsible for customers who have been fooled by imitators and fake traffic solutions providers. Inter-Lights Inc. is a non-person entity that is treated as a person in all legal matters.
Section III:
The publishing of this material in any other form, including written and online content is expressly forbidden. All rights reserved, no text or images may be copied to any website nor communal wiki. Any party guilty of publishing this material or reading this material in any copied and or illegal form without informing the authoritis can and will be issued with litigation. All rights reserved.
See Also[edit | edit source]
