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Saturday, May 18, 2024, 21:50 (UTC)
Lorde fans mistakenly attend Lordi concert
UnNews:Lorde fans mistakenly attend Lordi concert
BERLIN -- Ashley Hampton, 13, from Denver, Colorado is a huge fan of New Zealand pop singer Lorde. So she was ecstatic when her parents bought tickets to see her in Berlin of all places.

"I was going to Berlin anyway, for a business trip," says her father, Steve, 40.

When Ashley and her parents arrived at The Mercedes-Benz Arena, they were horrified to discover that none of the four men on stage wearing Orc costumes were the singer born Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor -- who is best known for such hits as "Royals," "Team," "Tennis Court," "Homemade Dynamite," and "Green Light."

"I saw these scary men dressed like that guy from Halloween, that Jason guy! [The killer from Halloween is Michael Myers, not Jason, who has been the killer in every Friday the 13th since Part 2 (and didn't even get the hockey mask until Part 3). Dammit, can't anyone get it right?! -Ed] They were dressed as monsters and they were really scary," says young Ashley. "I'll probably be in therapy for the rest of my life."

"Ashley's obviously scarred for life," says Steve. "But that 'Hard Rock Hallelujah' was pretty damn catchy."

Steve had mistakenly bought tickets to see Lordi-- a Finnish hard rock/metal band and shameless GWAR ripoff who, while never being huge in the United States, is best known for their Eurovision-winning song, UK Top 40 hit, and Finland #1 hit, "Hard Rock Hallelujah."

Justin Bieber gives birth to his first child with Hailey Baldwin
UnNews:Justin Bieber gives birth to his first child with Hailey Baldwin


YouTube is dead
UnNews:YouTube is dead
It has been proven that YouTube is now officially DEAD.

Over time, various malfunctions on here has gutted the YouTube website. The one that has terminated it is that the site used to function for 4 to 10 seconds, then it will go on forever buffering. When the Admins there were contacted about the website failing, they act like the complainants were all full of shit when it can be seen that the website has actually died.

People on Reddit and other places have said that the website does nothing but buffer forever, it does not do anything else at all.

Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; USA Joins in Support
UnNews:Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; USA Joins in Support
BOGOTÁ, Colombia, Fake America -- Millions of rioting Colombians are being thrown into giant paddy-wagons by Bogotá police in a tense standoff. The people are violently rioting for the right to take part in the annual Eurovision Song Contest, a European song contest in which Israel and Australia have been permitted to participate. Colombia has a rich music culture where their very simplistic yet camp and cliché musical style would fit in perfectly with Eurovision. However, for many years now, Israel has vetoed Colombians from joining the contest, claiming that "Colombians just can't be gay" (a prerequisite for any group to perform at Eurovision). In a recent interview for CNN, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu raised serious questions about the ability of Colombian people to be flamboyant homosexuals. As we all remember, the best TV show in the history of mankind, Yo soy Betty, la fea, is actually a Colombian show; but that show is so rampantly homophobic that, along with Colombia's brutal machista culture, Israel has concerns about how much Colombians are able to express their gayness at the Eurovision. Netanyahu was quoted as saying: "Colombians are so manly, you can smell their ball sweat from a mile away. No one would take them seriously dancing around on stage in plastic pants singing about forbidden love".
Paul Atreides Threatens Destruction of Spice Fields, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen Weighs in
UnNews:Paul Atreides Threatens Destruction of Spice Fields, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen Weighs in
Uh oh, looks like Paul Atreides, or Mad-Dibble-Dobby-something or other, is threatening to destroy all spice production on the desert planet Arrakis as part of a strategic move to leverage his position against the combined forces of the Galactic Emperor Darth Plagueis the Wise, and all the powerful interstellar great houses, including Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw. The spice, known as cocaine, is considered the most valuable substance in the universe, essential for space navigation, prolonging human life, and enhancing ones abilities in the bedroom. By threatening to destroy the only source of spice, Paul aims to gain political and religious power, and to force the Emperor and the Hogwarts Houses to recognize his demands that he gets a lifetime of free unlimited refills at all participating and non-participating McDonalds. Paul's threat to destroy the spice is confirmed to not be just a bluff. He has the means to do so through the Fremen, the natives indigenous peoples of Arrakis he has allied with, who know how to destroy the spice production. (Basically, just add water!). His plan involves the use of "atomics," or planetary-scale fart bombs, to seal off the spice-producing sandworms in their little homes, and to dump water on whatever spice fields he can find on the surface of the planet, to turn it all into sludge that will take forever to dry out.

I want you, bitch!

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