UnNews:Main Page

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Unnews)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Welcome to Unnews
Milking the world for every last drop of news juice
Monday, June 17, 2019, 06:33 (UTC)
John Dowd issues statement in Comic Sans
UnNews:John Dowd issues statement in Comic Sans
WASHINGTON -- A newly-unearthed memo from then-Trump lawyers, John Dowd and Jay Sekolow, dated January 29 and somehow ended up in the hands of the New York Times on Saturday, June 1, tried to prevent Trump from testifying in Mueller's probe. Mueller officially resigned as special counsel Wednesday, May 29.

Dowd and Sekulow's memo is curiously written in Comic Sans for some unknown reason.

Trump commented on the memo in a June 1 tweet, which wasn't written in Comic Sans, but rather Gotham:

"John Dowd and Jay Secular's memo saying I shouldn't testify. Written in big, beautiful Comic Sanz -- the Gratest Font OF all TIME! These guys are exactly right. No reason to testify. NO COLLUSION! NO OBSTRUCTION! Hamberders!"

Nixon admits 'I am a crook. No wait.'
UnNews:Nixon admits 'I am a crook. No wait.'
BAY LAKE, Florida -- After former special prosecutor Archibald Cox held a press conference to confirm beyond reasonable doubt that President Nixon was involved in the Watergate break-in, Nixon posted on a newfangled thing called Twitter:

"Watergate, Watergate, Watergate! That’s all you heard at the beginning of this false scandal... And now Watergate has disappeared because I had nothing to do with instructing my five plumbers to break into the Democratic National... Committee's headquarters in the Watergate building in order to dig up dirt on my political opponents in order to get re-elected. It was a crime that didn’t exist. So now the Democrats and their partners, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein at The Washington Post,..... ....say he fought back against this fictitious crime that didn’t exist, this horrendous false accusation, and he shouldn’t fight back, he should just sit back and take it. Could this be obstruction? No, Mr. Cox didn’t find obstruction either. Presidential harassment! I am a crook!"

Twenty minutes later, the embattled president held a press conference at Disney's Contemporary Resort to retract his stunning admission.
Cure lead singer to pay off Class of 2019 student debt
UnNews:Cure lead singer to pay off Class of 2019 student debt
ATLANTA, Georgia -- Morehouse College seniors got a surprise Sunday when The Cure lead singer Robert Smith announced during his commencement speech that he would pay off the student loan debt for the historically black college's graduating class.

The total amount covered for the 396 students is up to $40 million, said Morehouse President David A. Thomas. He called Smith's gesture "unknown pleasures."

"Debt's lost control," he said. "(Smith's gift) gives them the liberty to follow their dreams, their passions. Debt will tear us apart no more."

We've been spelling Joe Biden's name wrong for 12 years
UnNews:We've been spelling Joe Biden's name wrong for 12 years
WASHINGTON -- For the last 12 years or so, America has been misspelling the name of former Vice President Joe Biden. A Saturday tweet by Donald Trump finally set the record straight.
Mr ratburn is GAY
UnNews:Mr ratburn is GAY
Mr ratburn is gay. he is the worst arthur character ever EVER he suxs. He just married a guy!!!! they asoomed he was marying this hagy naging bich but insteed he was going to mary another man. i don't even know who this character is because i didnt read some gay book.


Latest news UnNews RSS Feed Uncyclopedia on Twitter UnNews on Facebook UnNews on YouTube Uncyclopedia on your phone Refresh Page
I want you, bitch!

Write an article!

Simply enter the headline in the box below and click the button to create your own UnNews article!


Guide to UnNews


Headlines Add Flapjack.png

Click a headline to make a story!

Astrology.jpg

Horoscopes See all

Your horoscope for today: Your self-esteem takes a blow when your fave streaming site tells you that horny girls in your area are interested in your brother.



About UnNews
Uncyclomedia rocks the house.

An Uncyclomedia project

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.

Current event marker.png

This day in... 2016

Absolutely nothing happened. Refresh the page to try a different year.

Radiomicrophone.gif

Stories with Audio