Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
 | |
| Saskatoon. City of Bridges and STD's | |
| Motto: Saskatoon; In partnership with the USSR since 1980 | |
| Civic anthem: Last Saskatchewan Pirate | |
| Official nickname | Stoon, City of Brothels |
| Official language(s) | |
| Mayor | His Right and Awesomeness Charlie Clark. |
| Established | 1882 |
| Currency | Beaver Scrotum's |
| Opening hours | 900am - 900pm (Mon-Fri), 1000am - 600pm (Sat), Closed Sunday |
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan is the jewel of the prairie provinces. I think Saskatoon is a state, sovereign state or city state. I am pretty sure it is one of those. The Federal Government of Canada officially considers Saskatoon as a city however they really don't give a flying fuck if it is or isn't. The city believes it should become its own micro-nation but the citizens are too afraid to ask the Prime Minister of Canada for permission.
History[edit | edit source]
The origin of the name "Saskatoon" is clouded in debate as well as a sticky purple syrup. Historian Bill Cosby believes the name derives from an Anglicization of a Cree word referring to the place where people are dropped off in the snow to freeze. Others believe it comes from the dying words of Métis leader Louis Riel. Moments before his death from dysentery, Riel whispered "Sans la bon", which, roughly translated, means "I'm not feeling so hot".
- In 1882 Saskatoon became the capital of Saskatchewan after it was discovered that previous capital Regina smells like it sounds. One year later, as Saskatoon and Regina were bickering about who gets to really be the Provincial Capital, the federal government stepped in and decided for the two mayors to have a pistol duel between the two mayors. As the the men turned to fire lightning hit the Saskatoon mayor and killed him. This resulted in the Capital being moved back to Regina.
- Residents of Saskatoon believe that the water in Regina tastes as though the Queen, not having time to rush home and pee, pissed in it. In 1902 the Queen of England did in fact pee in Regina's Wascana Lake.
- In 1923, rape was legalized and taxed. To this day, 40% of the city's budget comes from rape-related income.
- The 1936 Federal census figures for Saskatoon showed a decline in population to 41,734, a result of hardship caused by the Great Depression. Population started to increase after Saskatoon started to be true to itself and worked on its self confidence and self esteem.
- In 1980 Saskatoon declared war on Regina claiming that the first six letters in its name is the first six letters in the province's name and therefore Saskatoon should be the capital, the war has been raging on for the past 40 years, but no one really cares.
- Sean Connery ruled Saskatoon between 1980 and 1993 as Emperor of Saskatoon. He ruled with an iron fist during the civil war until his death in 1993 when his Russian built nuclear attack submarine became stranded on land after part of the Wascana Lake dried up. The hatch became stuck and Him along with the rest of the crew boiled to death inside the sub under the hot summer sun. A statue of Emperor Connery can be seen in Moscow Russia.
- In 1994 Mayor don atchison proposed to use the cities budget to purchase the Pyramids of Giza and have them dropped on the city of Regina to once and for all end the smells of that city. In 1998 the proposed project was dropped after they decided to just use nuclear weapons on the city, which was cheaper and more realistic.
- As of 2006 Canadian politicians have been considering moving the capital of Canada from Ottawa to Saskatoon.
Royal Visit[edit | edit source]
Queen Elizabeth II made a surprise visit to the city on July 30th 1999. The visit lasted three hours and while in Saskatoon she visited such landmarks as the South Saskatchewan River, the University of Saskatchewan and the River Landing site. The visit ended when Elizabeth found out that Tea and Crumpets is an unheard of delicacy in Saskatoon. She got the fuck out of the city while the gettin was good. The entire city had no idea that she had been there. The Canuck Broadcasting Centre (CBC) interviewed residents and Peter Carlson, a local blacksmith said "Shit! The fucking Queen was here?" The Queen rated Saskatoon 432/433 best and least boring cities in Canada. Overall Saskatooniens were very happy with their pathetically low ranking only because Regina was #433.
Areas[edit | edit source]
Saskatoon has four major neighborhoods; The rich white people (East Side), The average, Hipsters and the Poor native ghetto (West Side). Map says it all.
Police Service[edit | edit source]
The Saskatoon Police Service is the finest police force in Canada. It was once the worst in Canada but after the 1993 Saskatoon Riot when police beat several rioters to death they realized killing people wasnt as fun as they thought and got their act together. The force is made up of 213 former KGB agents and 11 locals. The only law they enforce is any person who resides in Regina that is within the city limits of Saskatoon are subject to wheat beatings. A wheat beating is when you take a bundle of wheat and whip people with it. It proved to be an effective torture technique during the Saskatchewan Civil War. The Saskatoon Police do not use cars because they are environmentally friendly, instead they ride cows.
Government & Politics[edit | edit source]
The Saskatoon government is somewhat of a stupid and inefficient form of a constitutional monarchy. The City has a Head of State (King or Queen) along with a Head of Government (Mayor). The position of mayor is acquired through democratic vote (this all goes against Saskatoons motto..?) while the Head of State is more of a first come first serve basis. The Head of State has the power to create and abolish laws, dismiss the current Mayor, rape people without paying taxes and gets to reside in the Temple of Wheat. However no one knew that Saskatoon had such a form of government until 2003 when a down syndrome firefighter made the discovery on the Cities website (again everyone had no idea they even had a website...dumb farmers) while masturbating online.
- Current Mayor and Head of Government: Charlie Clark
- Current Queen and Head of State: Ke$ha Sebert
Queen Ke$ha[edit | edit source]
When pop singer and sticky whore Ke$ha left her LA knife gang and appointed herself Queen, she introduced Saskatoonians to Americans for the first time. Now Saskatoons main exports are sex and glitter. When she made her first appearance at Midtown plaza mall people flocked into the streets in protest with signs saying "God Save Us!". A handful of midgets burned themselves alive in front of her in protest. Ke$has response was the pouring of glitter on their corpses while screaming "Party". She has plans to turn the city into a giant animal shelter. Her Majesty explains that she wants to bring peace to the city through animals and anyone who stands in her way will be knifed up the ass. She has declared every day of the year regional party holiday. Ke$ha is spending the spring and summer of 2011 designing a new city flag. Word has it it might be a picture of her naked and covered in glitter, or something else equally creepy and weird. Saskatoonians have come to accept Ke$ha as Queen because they realized that she couldn't be more fucked up than them.
Ke$ha has implemented her own Secret Police who work along side the Saskatoon City Police. Her thugs are made up of a small number of drunk, smug twenty two year old girls and boys who are very slimy and sticky because they are always soaked in liquor and sugar, along with some bodily fluids. They are very easy to identify (SECRET police?) with their torn jeans and ripped zebra/tiger tank tops. No Saskatoonians fuck with them in fear of getting stuck to their bodies because of the stickiness and also a fear of getting cut by the 10" switchblades carried by the goons.
Envy of Queen Elizabeth II[edit | edit source]
Queen Elizabeth II has been royally pissed off since the day she heard of Ke$has reign. Since 2004 Ke$ha has survived over 21 assassination attempts with Elizabeth behind them. With very incompetent British assassins, Elizabeth has personally tried to take out Queen Ke$ha. Her first attempt was in 2009 at the cities anniversary ball party at the Temple of Wheat. Elizabeth drove her 1922 Rolls Royce through the East Gate with a silenced pistol. As Ke$ha greeted the Queen in the Great Wheat Hall, Elizabeth raised the pistol into her face but was not strong enough to squeeze the trigger. The Queen then fled the ball and returned to England. Since then she has summoned the help of wiley coyote who is more incompetent than the British assassins.
“Saskatoon is my territory!”
“Bitch ain't got no class”
Saskatoon Peace Alliance[edit | edit source]
Saskatoon is in an alliance with the following organizations, countries and cities; Communist Nation Alliance, Australia, The Moon, North Battleford, Prince Albert, Humboldt, Melfort and Lloydminster. Peace talks are currently continuing between Saskatoon and Regina but who gives a fuck.
Culture[edit | edit source]
Same as New York City, but without the Dutch.
Downtown[edit | edit source]
Just like Flin Flon, Manitoba, Saskatoon's skyline is known for its 'Brass and Glass' Towers. A modern mix of towering 60-story office towers and 14-story public housing for seniors makes downtown a vibrant and culturally rich environment. The hotel of "Tourists' Choice" as rated by "Planet S Magazine" is the Barry Hotel, which is filled with a lively mix of Saskatoon's "finest," the right price, and the odd doormouse that likes to make sure that your room stays cleaner that that Bangkok stripper that you nailed last month.
8th Street[edit | edit source]
8th Street is the most famous of Saskatoon's sequentially numbered streets. On any given day, a wide variety of dogsleds, tractors, and mechanized robots can be seen cruising down the street listening to loud rap music. Singer/songwriter Bryan Adams was thinking of 8th Street when he wrote the song "Cuts Like a Knife". 8th Street does indeed "cut like a knife" through the heart of Saskatoon. It also "feels so right".
8th Street caught the attention of the world in 1993 when the city rioted after the Toronto Blue Jays won baseball's World Series. What started as mild merrymaking turned ugly as a lone member of the crowd suggested an assault on the Liquor Board Store. After Police barricaded the store, they kindly suggested that the crowd disperse. Several rioters were kindly beaten to death with police bats. In honor of the bloodbath Saskatoon's baseball team name was changed to the Saskatoon Riot.
Since that incident Saskatoonians have never cheered for anything good that happens to Toronto. However, it hasn't stopped Saskatoon from cheering every time the Toronto Maple Leafs are knocked out of the NHL Playoffs, which has happened every year for the last century.
Broadway[edit | edit source]
Broadway is another one of Saskatoon's famous streets, although it is not numbered like 8th street. 'Fag' is not a number. Every summer Broadway hosts the Saskatoon Fringe Festival. The Fringe Festival is a gathering of alternative theater. The mechanics of alternative theater is fairly simple. The most important element is that none of the acts can be any good, and you will be stabbed and robbed by gang members at least three times during what the papers call your "Fringe Experience".
The Fringe Festival (AKA: Freak Festival) is a place where all the Gay, Lesbian, Transvestite, Emo, Goth and Ewok population of Saskatoon gathers and pays ritual worship to B-grade entertainers. In recent years their was a steep influx in hipster population at this event, but by the time you read this it will have become passé and they will have moved on.
Airport[edit | edit source]
Saskatoons International Airport first opened in 1931 and consists of a 6700 foot long wheat field runway in the north west end of the city. It is the busiest airport in the province with a total of three commercial flights a year operated by Westjet and Air Canada and Beaver Ass Airlines. The current opperating control tower is a 300 foot tall grain elevator stole from the city of Regina in 1949. Mayor Don Atchinson has volunteered to act as the grounds keeper of the airport while a local farmer works in the control tower.
Notable Accidents and Incidents:
- On June 4, 1977 a New Holland Combine rolled seven times while attempting to cross the runway after trying to avoid hitting a gopher.
- On October 23, 1984 the same combine and farmer crashed into the side of a fuel truck when he swerved to avoid hitting Vietnamese President Nguyễn Minh Triết during his annual visit to Saskatoon.
- On January 3, 2003 the grain elevator control tower tipped over after Don Atchinson rammed into the side of it with his yellow tractor. He reportedly passed out while driving after consuming 11 bottles of his home made liqour. There were no fatalities however a burrowing owl was taken to hospital with minor injuries.
Saskatchewan Civil War[edit | edit source]
In 1980, under the new Emperor of Saskatoon, Sean Connery, the city declared war on Regina, claiming that the first six letters in its name is the first six letters in the province's name and therefore Saskatoon should be the capital. The war has been raging since then. North Battleford, Prince Albert, Humboldt, Melfort and Lloydminster form the Wheatkings (Saskatoon) side of the war, while Swift Current, Moose Jaw, Melville, Weyburn and Estevan take the Reginian Rebels side of the war.
1981, using his strong Soviet connections, Emperor Connery convinced the USSR to supply his army with a nuclear attack submarine and many Soviet planes. The planes would take seventeen years to clear Canadian Customs and by the time they arrived the war was over.
In 1982, Saskatoon takes control Swift Current and invades Moose Jaw. Regina shows great resistance as the Wheatkings try and take control of Moose Jaw, but due to the superiority of Regina's Cat Mortars, The Wheatkings fall back to Swift Current and the Reginian Rebels progress forward, into Saskatoon territory.
In 1983, Lloydminster announces the use of Wheat Harvesters that can be used to crush the barriers of the Moose Jaw front, which had a substantial effect on the war. Equipped with Sk47's, The Wheatking's infantry still could not take control of Moose Jaw because of the network of tunnels under the city which proved to be a good defensive lot.
In 1985, Melville attacks Humboldt in attempts to capture their corn mortars. Humboldt unprepared for the war and only equipped with SaskMg-22's could not penetrate the Reginian tractors armor, mounted with Rg-55's. Humboldt falls to the Reginian behemoth.
In 1990, Saskatoon mounts an all-out offensive against occupied Humboldt to rescue it from the Reginian clutches. Hiring a group of elite B.C. Marijuana mercenaries, Saskatoon uses its own soldiers to encircle the city while the Mercs bombard the settlement with meth bombs. The blockade crumbles under the wait of overdose and the Saskatoonians are able to march the 115th Armoured Tractor Infantry into the city and occupy it. Regina's forces retreat back to Melville as Saskatoon moves its forces to secure both Melfort and Humboldt. Work begins in the Delta Bessborough on an weapon to end the war once and for all. Thus begins the Martensville Project.
In 1993 Emperor Connery did not have patience for the Martensville Project and lead a daring naval assault on Wascana Lake in Regina. Emporer Connery lead the attack from the bridge of the sub. There was a strong battle on the water that lasted for five days. On the sixth a sudden rogue drought hit the city and dried up half the lake, causing the submarine to rest on dry ground in the baking hot sun. Reginese soldiers decided to weld the hatch shut and let the sun cook Emperor Connery and his crew inside. Following Connerys' death Don Atchinson became the new Mayor of Saskatoon and continued in Sean Connerys legacy.
In 1996, work finishes on the weapon that will take out Regina to end the war. Reginian forces officially surrender Melfort to the Wheatkings in an attempt to ease the assault laid on the city, Mayor McCheese sends them a Fuck you card that he bought at Midtown Plaza. BC mercenaries infiltrate Regina's top secret plan to capture Prince Albert. Reginian forces proceed north.
In 1997, The Wheatkings prevent the Reginian troops from advancing any closer to Saskatoon. A bloody conflict ensues between the cities. The Wheatkings come out on top and the Rebels flee to Kindersley. The Wheatkings push them out of neutral territory. The Meadow Lake Air Squadron 571 launches interballistic missiles towards the Reginian forces killing thousands.
In 1998, Regina proceeds back to their city in order to attempt an all out invasion of the north. However though, the Wheatkings surround the city of Regina. Saskatoon launches corn missiles and mortar shells, causing great damage to the city. The Rebels, suffering from many casualties, somehow manage to take down Saskatoon's first infantry and shoot down fighter crop dusting jets. In retaliation, the Wheatkings withdraw all of their troops from Regina in order to plan one final assault. Saskatoon launches a nuclear missile towards the city of Regina, totaling the whole area. What was once the city of Regina is now lifeless. No signs of Rebel troops in the area are reported. Regina formally Surrenders, giving Saskatoon status as the provincial capital, thus ending the Saskatchewan Civil War.
One day after the end of the war, Saskatoon decided they didn't really want the title as the capital and gave it back to lifeless Regina. Millions of Saskatchewanians lost their lives for no reason.
Post War[edit | edit source]
Following the civil war Regina began to rebuild their civilization and in 2000 the city elders vowed to one day destroy saskatoon. A truce exists between the cities however Regina is building up its forces for a future offensive. The elders have summoned the help of Charlie Sheen to become their tactical adviser. General Sheens number one strategy is "Winning".
Attractions[edit | edit source]
- Wier: The Saskatoon Waterfall, other wise known as the wier, draws tourists from around the province. The wier is the biggest man made waterfall in the province with a height of 1.5 meters. Tourists are never disappointed when they see it. Ann LaLonde, 37, Humbolt Sk: "I was speechless at the sight of the wier! Just amazing! In 1956 a scam artist posing as a construction contractor from Halifax told the city council that they had to regulate the flow of the river to stop city flooding by constructing a wier. The city paid him 212 million beaver scrotums (350 million USD)... when the wier would have only cost 900,000 beaver scrotums. Soon after it was completed, city planners then realized that they did not need to control the flow of water because the river doesn't flood. The man fled the city before people realized they had been scammed. The man was found 2 weeks later OD in a pile of cocaine on a box car trying to flee the province.
- Giant Dildo: Saskatoon hold the world record for the worlds biggest dildo. It stands 132 feet high and is located just outside the city hall. To this day it is one of the cities greatest achievements. Regina tried to out do Saskatoon by proposing to build the worlds largest vagina, however they didn't realize that their city was already a vagina and there for did not need to build one.
- South Saskatchewan River: People from areas of the Earth where there is no water such as Africa and Afghanistan come year round to drink from the vast river. Many of these poor tourists do not realize they are drinking water down stream from the sewer treatment plant, where raw sewage, bodily fluids and other waste is pumped into the water.
Climate[edit | edit source]
January = Jesus fucking Christ it's Cold
February = Cold
March = Cold
April = No Data Available
May = Rain
June = School's finally out fuck that place
July = Hot As Tits!
August = How the fuck is it cold already?!?!
September = Cold
October = Cold
November = Cold
December = Christmas
Fun Facts[edit | edit source]
- Saskatoon was strategically built in the center of Saskatchewan with the specific intent of remaining invisible to residents of the United States. To date, this tactic has worked wonders, as a typical American, when told of both it and its provinces' location, "between Alberta and Manitoba", will promptly and affirmatively respond: "There ain't nothing in the middle!" Saskatoon citizens are, as a result of this thinking, a reserve force of ninjas within the Canadian Forces.
- If you call someone on the phone and say you're calling from Saskatoon Saskatchewan they will laugh. They are laughing at you, not with you.
- Saskatoon's population is made up of 80% farmers and 20% woefully inadequate.
- Lord Blackadder once ran for election in Saskatoon. After his loss he said, "It would be quite a lovely rotten borough if not for being populated completely by sodding sodomites."
- If you are born in Saskatoon, and have not moved out by the age of six, the odds are good that you will never leave, and will be taking a bath with a toaster by age nine.
- Saskatoon's main export is sarcasm. Culture, intelligence and good drivers are imported and then soon destroyed or assimilated by the locals.
- WWF Super Star Rowdy Roddy Piper was born in Saskatoon. Although Saskatoon made Roddy, Mr. Piper attributes Winnipeg for making him 'Rowdy'.
- Solid Snake once took on a Metal Gear in Saskatoon, the weapon was codenamed Metal Gear WHEAT.
- Saskatoon is the child prostitution capital of Canada.
- In Saskatoon, the East side and West side actually DO feud, but with much less singing and dancing.
- Saskatoon also developed the rarely used assault rifle the SK47, which shot a gratuitous amount of wheat at its attackers. It was reloaded with a .25 Hopper magazine.
- The temple of Wheat is located 50kms away from the city center.
- Saskatoon is also famous for holding the record of most babies dropped in a year.
- The Albino House is actually a secret Nazi hideout. Hitler's secret General Herr Mendel is supposedly running the place and waiting til Necromancy can restore his Fuhrer so he may run a fourth Reich and eventually all of Canada.
- Don Atkinson, before he became mayor was a Saskatchewan river pirate who pillaged wheat and potash from the locals.
- Bessborough Hotel is actually a secret military base, where about 100 nukes and 1000 missiles are kept. They just believe that everything has to be formal.
- Jack Bauer once had a really good day in Saskatoon.
- Saskatoon is the only city in Canada that has a spite war raging.
- Saskatoon used to be a lush forest before settlers arrived and is the location of the story of Hansel and Gretel. Statues of the two can be found outside city hall.
- During WWII the city offered to send the Allies 20,000 tractor combines for the cause. When the Allies turned the offer down, the Saskatoonions used the combines to harvest their crops.
- JFK was really assassinated on 20th street in Saskatoon. NOT Dallas Texas.
- Because of Emperor Sean Connerys relations to the former Soviet Block, Saskatoon is forever in alliance with and under the protection of the Communist Nations Alliance (CNA). The CNA use the same room as the United Nations, only they may use it on thursdays from 9-5pm.
- On Canada Day it is tradition for 400 polar bears to be flown in from the Arctic and citizens take part in the annual polar bear Kill N' Grill. Hosting the event every year is TVs Bob Saget.
Sister Cities[edit | edit source]
Saskatoon does not have any sister cities. It does however have two brother cities and one cousin city:
- Halifax
- Kandahar
- Jacksonville
See Also[edit | edit source]
