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Stupidium ← Neutronium → Hydrogen
Physical Properties
Atomic symbol:  Nu
Atomic number:  0
Melting point:  0 K
Boiling point:  0 K
Isotopes:  0Nu
Electronegativity:  I dunno

Neutronium-0 (0n or Sugar-free Neutronium or Orange-Vanilla Neut Zero) is a rare isotope of neutronium with zero neutrons, zero protons, zero electrons, damn few onions, zero calories, and a smattering of unbridled imagination. Compared to the two other known isotopes of neutronium (1n and 2374401817435883646092517877151708618671285737124315157883n), it most definitely defies any form of direct comparison.

Atomic properties[edit | edit source]

Just like regular neutronium (1n), neutronium-0 possesses no electrons in any of its electron shells. However, unlike neutronium-1, neutronium-0 is definitely missing something important that I can't quite put my finger on.

Subatomic properties[edit | edit source]

Within the subatomic physics community, a single isolated atom of neutronium-0 is often called a "vacuuon", which, in the standard model, constitutes the unique massless zero-spin zero-charge zero-parity particle. Individual vacuuons were first detected in 1947, being emitted from primitive television screens in ridiculously large numbers. The harnessing of stray vacuuons led immediately to the invention of today's modern vacuum cleaner.

Deadly vacuuon radiation is not known to be harmful in the least, prompting the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration to limit direct exposure in the workplace to less than 0.000 millibequerels per second, just to be on the safe side.

Bulk properties[edit | edit source]

A computer-generated image of a sample of neutronium-0 under standard conditions (101,325 Pa, 20 °C, 10:09 AM GMT).

Appearance[edit | edit source]

Neutronium-0 is a colorless green[1] fictional substance which is violently inert. Western philosophers worldwide have seriously questioned how any substance could possibly be both colored and uncolored simultaneously, but nobody listens to western philosophers anyway. Unfortunately, pure neutronium-0 cannot be adequately photographed[2]. The accompanying computer-generated image should be sufficient to approximate the appearance of neutronium-0 if you want to fool your friends.

Chemistry[edit | edit source]

Neutronium-0 chemically combines with nothing, not even with itself. This turns out to be an unexpected boon to high-energy particle physicists, since the vast majority of high-energy particle physicists hate chemistry almost as much as I do.

Phases[edit | edit source]

Neutronium-0 comes in three phases, just like the moon or something. The first phase, colloquially known as "phase I", is shock. This leads inevitablty to Phase II[3], which is characterized by elevated levels of sadness. The existence of phase III has only recently and grudgingly been accepted as a theoretical consequence. And then the whole damned cycle repeats anew.

Density[edit | edit source]

Ordinary neutronium (neutronium-1) is famous for having a ridiculously-high density[4]. On the other foot hand, neutronium-0, in spite of its chemical similarity to run-of-the-mill neutronium, fails to register on even the most finely-adjusted densityometers. This has led to enormous problems in separating out the rare and valuable neutronium-0 from relatively-worthless neutron stars. It then dawned on somebody that exploiting that very difference may be the final key to the puzzle of isotopic separation. And thus, in 2017 at a Berkeley University laboratory, the long-sought separation was finally accomplished, and to great fanfare. Their criminal case comes before the Supreme Court of California sometime next year.

Miscellaneous physical properties[edit | edit source]

Neutronium-0 does not visibly corrode when it is left outside in sunny weather. Neutronium-0 floats on water. Neutronium-0 is infinitely incomprehensible incompressible. Neutronium-0 is gluten-free. Neutronium-0 does not smell funny. Neutronium-0 makes you look fat[5]. Neutronium-0 is dishwasher and microwave safe. Neutronium-0 is as pure and innocent as the driven snow. Neutronium-0 is entirely recyclable. Neutronium-0 is almost certainly good-looking because it is so hard to see. Neutronium-0 sells without a slogan. Neutronium-0 comes with a 30 day money-back guarantee. Neutroniun-0 jumps when you startle it. Neutronium-0 leaves no skid marks. Neutronium-0 makes life worth living. Neutronium-0 accepts no substitutes. In Soviet Russia, neutronium-0 makes tiresome jokes about YOU.

Uses[edit | edit source]

A lengthy series of failed laboratory experiments have conclusively demonstrated that neutronium-0 is pretty darn useless as either a paperweight or a ship's anchor. On the other hand, gaseous neutronium-0 makes the ideal gas for filling party balloons to be used in physics-themed birthday parties.

Artificial production[edit | edit source]

What with the recent demise of television, artificial production of fresh neutronium-0 has fallen to all-time lows. Given the declining reserves of all-natural sources of neutronium-0, the Large Hadron Collider may be utilized to fill the ever-widening gap, thus giving it something useful to do for a change.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. RGBA color code = #00FF0000.
  2. See On the Difficulty of Photographing Pure Neutronium-0 and Vampire Reflections (H Hefner, 2014).
  3. A purported intervening phase (phase Ia) was suggested many years ago, but has since been angrily denied by the scientific community at large.
  4. Imagine a single cubic inch of regular neutronium sitting right on top of your desk. Believe it or not, it is that dense(!).
  5. Then again, everything makes you look fat.

Periodic Table of Elements:

 Make sure you memorize these for the test!

Alkaline Earth
Snob Gas
1H Hydrogen 2He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18Ar Argent
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21Sc Scandinavium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29 Cu Copper 30 Zn Zinc 31 Ga Gallium 32 Ge Germanium 33 As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35 Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 99Te Tedium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Caesium 56 Ba Barium 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rhenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88 Ra Radium 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides 104 Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111 Uuu Unununium 112 Cn Copernicium 113 Nh Nihonium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
119Un Uncyclopedium 120 Ub Unobtanium 121 Aeo Awesomnium 122Fa Fartium 123St Stalinium 124Ob Obamium 125Sl Stalloneium 126 Ad Adamantium 127 Vb Vibranium -1SuStupidium 1/5Bm Brucium 1/2*Ch Cheesium 3/4Pl Plotonium 4.5Op Opium Hu Homoerectium
57 La Lanthanum 58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Pentium 62 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium
89 Ac Actinium 90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95 Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99 Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium