Neutronium-0
| Neutronium | |||||
| |||||
| Physical Properties | |||||
| Atomic symbol: | Nu | ||||
| Atomic number: | 0 | ||||
| Melting point: | 0 K | ||||
| Boiling point: | 0 K | ||||
| Isotopes: | 0Nu 1Nu 2Nu | ||||
| Electronegativity: | I dunno | ||||
Neutronium-0 (0n or Sugar-free Neutronium or Orange-Vanilla Neut Zero) is a rare isotope of neutronium with zero neutrons, zero protons, zero electrons, damn few onions, zero calories, and a smattering of unbridled imagination. Compared to the two other known isotopes of neutronium (1n and 2374401817435883646092517877151708618671285737124315157883n), it most definitely defies any form of direct comparison.
Atomic properties[edit | edit source]
Just like regular neutronium (1n), neutronium-0 possesses no electrons in any of its electron shells. However, unlike neutronium-1, neutronium-0 is definitely missing something important that I can't quite put my finger on.
Subatomic properties[edit | edit source]
Within the subatomic physics community, a single isolated atom of neutronium-0 is often called a "vacuuon", which, in the standard model, constitutes the unique massless zero-spin zero-charge zero-parity particle. Individual vacuuons were first detected in 1947, being emitted from primitive television screens in ridiculously large numbers. The harnessing of stray vacuuons led immediately to the invention of today's modern vacuum cleaner.
Deadly vacuuon radiation is not known to be harmful in the least, prompting the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration to limit direct exposure in the workplace to less than 0.000 millibequerels per second, just to be on the safe side.
Bulk properties[edit | edit source]
Appearance[edit | edit source]
Neutronium-0 is a colorless green[1] fictional substance which is violently inert. Western philosophers worldwide have seriously questioned how any substance could possibly be both colored and uncolored simultaneously, but nobody listens to western philosophers anyway. Unfortunately, pure neutronium-0 cannot be adequately photographed[2]. The accompanying computer-generated image should be sufficient to approximate the appearance of neutronium-0 if you want to fool your friends.
Chemistry[edit | edit source]
Neutronium-0 chemically combines with nothing, not even with itself. This turns out to be an unexpected boon to high-energy particle physicists, since the vast majority of high-energy particle physicists hate chemistry almost as much as I do.
Phases[edit | edit source]
Neutronium-0 comes in three phases, just like the moon or something. The first phase, colloquially known as "phase I", is shock. This leads inevitablty to Phase II[3], which is characterized by elevated levels of sadness. The existence of phase III has only recently and grudgingly been accepted as a theoretical consequence. And then the whole damned cycle repeats anew.
Density[edit | edit source]
Ordinary neutronium (neutronium-1) is famous for having a ridiculously-high density[4]. On the other foot hand, neutronium-0, in spite of its chemical similarity to run-of-the-mill neutronium, fails to register on even the most finely-adjusted densityometers. This has led to enormous problems in separating out the rare and valuable neutronium-0 from relatively-worthless neutron stars. It then dawned on somebody that exploiting that very difference may be the final key to the puzzle of isotopic separation. And thus, in 2017 at a Berkeley University laboratory, the long-sought separation was finally accomplished, and to great fanfare. Their criminal case comes before the Supreme Court of California sometime next year.
Miscellaneous physical properties[edit | edit source]
Neutronium-0 does not visibly corrode when it is left outside in sunny weather. Neutronium-0 floats on water. Neutronium-0 is infinitely incomprehensible incompressible. Neutronium-0 is gluten-free. Neutronium-0 does not smell funny. Neutronium-0 makes you look fat[5]. Neutronium-0 is dishwasher and microwave safe. Neutronium-0 is as pure and innocent as the driven snow. Neutronium-0 is entirely recyclable. Neutronium-0 is almost certainly good-looking because it is so hard to see. Neutronium-0 sells without a slogan. Neutronium-0 comes with a 30 day money-back guarantee. Neutroniun-0 jumps when you startle it. Neutronium-0 leaves no skid marks. Neutronium-0 makes life worth living. Neutronium-0 accepts no substitutes. In Soviet Russia, neutronium-0 makes tiresome jokes about YOU.
Uses[edit | edit source]
A lengthy series of failed laboratory experiments have conclusively demonstrated that neutronium-0 is pretty darn useless as either a paperweight or a ship's anchor. On the other hand, gaseous neutronium-0 makes the ideal gas for filling party balloons to be used in physics-themed birthday parties.
Artificial production[edit | edit source]
What with the recent demise of television, artificial production of fresh neutronium-0 has fallen to all-time lows. Given the declining reserves of all-natural sources of neutronium-0, the Large Hadron Collider may be utilized to fill the ever-widening gap, thus giving it something useful to do for a change.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ RGBA color code = #00FF0000.
- ↑ See On the Difficulty of Photographing Pure Neutronium-0 and Vampire Reflections (H Hefner, 2014).
- ↑ A purported intervening phase (phase Ia) was suggested many years ago, but has since been angrily denied by the scientific community at large.
- ↑ Imagine a single cubic inch of regular neutronium sitting right on top of your desk. Believe it or not, it is that dense(!).
- ↑ Then again, everything makes you look fat.
Make sure you memorize these for the test!
| 1H Hydrogen | 2He Helium | ||||||||||||||||
| 3Li Lithium | 4Be Beryllium | 5B Boron | 6C Carbon | 7N Nitrogen | 8O Oxygen | 9F Fluorine | 10Ne Neon | ||||||||||
| 11Na Sodium | 12 Mg Magnesium | 13Al Aluminum | 14 Si Silicon | 15 P Phosphorus | 16 S Sulfur | 17Cl Chlorine | 18Ar Argent | ||||||||||
| 19 K Potassium | 20 Ca Calcium | 21Sc Scandinavium | 22Ti Titanium | 23 V Vanadium | 24Cr Chromium | 25 Mn Manganese | 26Fe Iron | 27 Co Cobalt | 28Ni Nickel | 29 Cu Copper | 30 Zn Zinc | 31 Ga Gallium | 32 Ge Germanium | 33 As Arsenic | 34 Se Selenium | 35 Br Bromine | 36Kr Krypton |
| 37 Rb Rubidium | 38 Sr Strontium | 39 Y Yttrium | 40 Zr Zirconium | 41 Nb Niobium | 42 Mo Molybdenum | 43 Tc Technetium | 44 Ru Ruthenium | 45 Rh Rhodium | 46 Pd Palladium | 47Ag Silver | 48 Cd Cadmium | 49In Indium | 50Sn Tin | 51 Sb Antimony | 99Te Tedium | 53 I Iodine | 54Xe Xenon |
| 55 Cs Caesium | 56 Ba Barium | 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides | 72 Hf Hafnium | 73 Ta Tantalum | 74 W Tungsten | 75 Re Rhenium | 76 Os Osmium | 77 Ir Iridium | 78Pt Platinum | 79Au Gold | 80Hg Mercury | 81 Tl Thallium | 82Pb Lead | 83Bi Bismuth | 84Po Polonium | 85 At Astatine | 86Rn Radon |
| 87 Fr Francium | 88 Ra Radium | 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides | 104 Rf Rutherfordium | 105 Db Dubnium | 106 Sg Seaborgium | 107 Bh Bohrium | 108 Hs Hassium | 109 Mt Meitnerium | 110 Ds Darmstadtium | 111 Uuu Unununium | 112 Cn Copernicium | 113 Nh Nihonium | 114 Fl Flerovium | 115 Mc Moscovium | 116 Lv Livermorium | 117 Ts Tennessine | 118 Og Oganesson |
| 119Un Uncyclopedium | 120 Ub Unobtanium | 121 Aeo Awesomnium | 122Fa Fartium | 123St Stalinium | 124Ob Obamium | 125Sl Stalloneium | -1SuStupidium | 1/5Bm Brucium | 1/2*Ch Cheesium | 3/4Pl Plotonium | 4.5Op Opium | ∞Hu Homoerectium | |||||
| 57 La Lanthanum | 58 Ce Cerium | 59Pr Praseodymium | 60 Nd Neodymium | 61 Pm Pentium | 62 Sm Samarium | 63 Eu Europium | 64 Gd Gadolinium | 65 Tb Terbium | 66 Dy Dysprosium | 67 Ho Holmium | 68 Er Erbium | 69 Tm Thulium | 70 Yb Ytterbium | 71 Lu Lutetium | |||
| 89 Ac Actinium | 90 Th Thorium | 91 Pa Protactinium | 92U Uranium | 93 Np Neptunium | 94Pu Plutonium | 95 Am Americium | 96 Cm Curium | 97 Bk Berkelium | 98 Cf Californium | 99 Es Einsteinium | 100 Fm Fermium | 101 Md Mendelevium | 102 No Nobelium | 103 Lr Lawrencium |
*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.