Chinese Abortion Factories

“"You should have been aborted!"”

— Jaquaviontavius Dinglehead

"Yummy!" - A chinese, probably

Chinese Abortion Factories is one of the old branches of Fetus Farming from the now mostly abolished Baby Farming industries in People's Republic of China. Although the large-scale production of babies has been largely wiped out, small parties still practice such acts, often know by the Chinese term "shoucuo" (手搓) fetus.

History

Fetus eating has been prominent in the Asian region since the 1600s, with traces of half-cooked fetuses found in a clay pot in the outskirts of JiLin, a Chinese city, which provided an interesting question: why did people eat fetuses? They are definitely not the ideal food to carry around, being squishy and having a short shelf life.

It is common belief that the origins of eating fetuses in China was led on by Gay Luigi. It is said that Gay Luigi first appeared to the Emperor of the Shang Dynasty in his sleep, telling him how good fetuses taste and placing a bowl of food next to his bed. It is later proven that the food was not a fetus, but in fact a single strand of the FSM (Flying Spaghetti Monster). However, fetuses taste equally good, as proven from the emperor's dinner menu including fetuses for all major feasts.

From this need for fetuses, a new market has risen to the opportunity, as if one thing the Chinese has never lacked, its people. Or, in this case, lesser-than-people byproducts. The abundance of prostitutes in Ancient China was a ready source of fresh, unborn fetuses, the only question was how to remove the fetus without shattering it or killing the carrier. A common technique used was to simply kick at the pregnant carrier and force a miscarriage. While this method works well enough in the small backrooms of each centre of prostitution, it was unable to keep up with the huge demands of the Chinese society. This led to the creation of the first Chinese Abortion Factory, date unknown, the 现帝灭儿厂 (Xian Di Mie Er Chang). This factory was set up about 2 kilometers from the emperor's palace at the time, and it's primary source of fetuses was from the emperor's many wives. With this abundance of pregnancies and the emperor's demand that his wives be returned safely, a new, faster and safer method was forced to be conceived: chemicals. According to official documents from the factory, a mix of "ethanol, mercury, water and some human droppings" was mixed in a "5:1:3:1 ratio before adding about 5 liang (or 250 grams) of PiShuang (As2O3, a poison)". This mixture will almost definitely result in the ejection of the fetus within 3 days, but it also causes varying degrees of harm to the carrier. However, so long as nobody died, the emperor happily accepted this method, adding both a solution to his never ending list of illegitimate children and a new addition to his dinner.

Before the Sui (隋) Dynasty, fetus-eating has largely been limited to the rich and powerful land owners, as the poor needed all the children to work in the fields growing rice to feed the family. However, under the heavy taxes of Emperor Yang during the 36 years of the Sui Dynasty, many of those on the bottom rung of the society started resorting to procreating for food as the emperor started taking most of the rice and beans they grew. They also lacked any meat, as dogs were almost already eaten to the point of extinction in the wild. This and the lack of anything else to do after the lights went out caused the public to be forced to ingest their own children. Once the moral barrier was bypassed, however, the public was completely hooked to the texture and taste of the fetuses. This resulted in the Abortion-For-Edibles movement, which included many people, who are originally farmers to devote their entire family and bloodline into the fetus production business. However, due to the long production time of sizable and optimal fetuses and difficulty in selective breeding, the cost remained high, and most of the public stuck with making their own fetuses to ingest.

During the first Opium War, Qing Dynasty, the Europeans arrived in China to discover half the food establishments serving fetus. Originally disgusted, the opinions of these "unappealing and disgraceful foodstuff from Satan" (Unknown British man) improved quickly to "An unique eastern delicacy". With the introduction of Opium to the Chinese as the magical panacea, another lesser-known establishment popped up: Western-style fetuses. While there was an abundance of fetuses in china at the time, these fetuses did not meet requirements of western cooking, as they often were seen to attempt to repel consumers by loudly reciting complicated algebraic questions, giving potential customers a bad headache and, at worst, brain overuse and cancer. This made the stage for another famous Abortion Factory. By combining opium with the Chinese, the intelligence of the fetuses produced diminished greatly. This ingenious practice was from non other than John's Burgers, Stews and free Abortion Services, JB SAS for short. (Not to be confused with Uncle John's Burgers and Abortion Clinic, which was a side branch of the JB SAS.)

During WWII, Japanese troops gained control over the Chinese region. With this came a short lived branch of Chinese Abortion Factories: JJBA, also known as Japanese Jarred Baby Association. Most factories have the same setup: In the front is a house filled with Chinese woman, and when a Japanese soldier goes procreating the woman is transferred into a dark room filled with water to the knee height. After two months the fetus is then removed and sent to a central point where the fetus is canned raw. From the few surviving written records that braved the flamethrowers of Iwo Jima, and some records from the demolished city of hiroshima and nagasaki, a crowd favourite was to simply eat the fetuses raw with soy sauce and wasabi, as they have a natural taste similar to raw fish.

Shortly after Japan's surrender, the Chinese nationalist government and the communist party began their conflict. At the beginning of the war, the communists were underfunded and malnourished. The JB SAS was largely unempathetic to the communists, Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion clinic, which at the time had a John who supported communism, landed a nice deal with them: for every abortion clinic they set up in the new China, John would loan them munition and weapons. Although this is in fact a cheap trick of John's, providing outdated weaponry and expired munitions to set up more abortion clinics and in turn generate more fetuses, the Communists won in the end. Upon the establishment of the People's Republic of China, one of the first things they abolished was the eating of human substances, including human flesh, blood and fetuses, effectively driving the JB SAS out of the Chinese territory. The UJFB AC was also later expelled from the JB SAS for breaking the honor code and for providing aid to the communist party, which ended the JB SAS influence in China.

Methods

Many methods have been employed in the Abortion/Ejection of Chinese fetuses.

1. Physically enforced miscarriage. The pregnant woman is tied by her wrists and ankles to a large board before the brothel owner kicked and punched at the uterus until the amniotic sac broke. This method was commonly used in the earliest days, where the production of unwanted chinese bastards were limited to prostitutes who missed their class on birth control. Under this circumstances, the only requirement was that the fetus is extracted relatively unshattered. It remains a quick and entirely free method of removing children-to-be from the world even today.
2. Chemical Cessation. Aside from the mixture mentioned above used by 现帝灭儿厂, many more modern and not any safer mixtures have been invented. Such measures include: ingesting pure mercury or other heavy metals, injection of jet fuel, etc.
3. Removal via mechanical means. This is the safest method, involving using some serious tongs to tug at the fetus carefully, and to attempt the pull the fetus out of the uterus through the reproductive tract. This is a risky manuveur, as one may risk detaching the head and other parts of the fetus in the process, but hey, its completely harmless to the woman.
4. Reckless Plan. No joke, this plan allows you to go completely savage, returning to your origins as an intelligent monke. Go ape as you tear the fetus out of the womb with nothing but your bare hands and a sharp rock. This plan will almost certainly result in the death of the mother, but hey, your fetus is definitely whole.
5. The fun plan. Favored by the Japanese military officials during WWII, this method involving slurping a Japanese-Chinese fetus directly out of the womb, usually with the induction of a miscarriage in process. Once the fetus was in the mouth, they the mixed the amniotic fluid with sou sauce and wasabi before holding the mixture in their mouths and savoring the fetus-and-sauce mixture. Does not recommend, as it requires a japanese man and chinese woman and not vice versa, as well as just not tasting the best, with the quality decreasing over the years, presumably due to the Japanese being too impoverished to eat their traditional diet.

See also

• What
• Huh?

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