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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Such woe, my bladder filled right to the brim,
If but perchance I sought to take a leak
Yet now my pantaloons now stainèd swim
In urine which now dribbles down my feet!
If only to the loo I'd gone posthaste,
Such musings are the act of lesser men;
My fav'rite pair of leggings would not waste,
But truth be told, I'll piss my pants again.
I never learned to listen to 'ol Blad
My colon wretches yet I never poo
Now brown and yellow mix with tidings glad,
Instead of me relaxing on the loo.
(Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)

...that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
...that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
...that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.

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In the news [edit]

Well, that says a lot...

Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland (Pictured)
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes
Trump presents new science project to Cabinet
Uncyclopedia introduces AI Age Guesser™, petition nears 100,000 signatures
Trump fires Zakk Wylde
Trump sends condolences to "Ozzie Nelson," "Paul Hogan," "Luigi Mangione"
Epstein list predictions

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • SNL cast exodus • K-pop: The Movie • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys

Recent deaths: Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) • Trump's pet sloth • Joe Burrow's toe

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger (in jail) • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Dallas Cowboys' and Cincinnati Bengals' seasons • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump • Windows 10

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On this day [edit]

USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) no bloody A, B, C, or D!

September 16: Talk Like Scotty From Star Trek Day

1903 - While investigating the breakdown of a prototype airplane engine, Orville Wright exclaims "Mah bairns! Mah poor bairns..."
1912 - When urged by Captain Edward Smith to increase engine power to aviod an iceberg, the head engineer of the RMS Titanic replies, "I've giv'n her all she's got captain, an' I cannah give her no more."
1962 - After John F. Kennedy says "I am a doughnut" in German instead of "I am a Berliner", the mayor of West Berlin whispers to him, "Laddy, don't you think you should be rephrasing that?"
1970 - While preparing for reentry after their journey back to Earth, Astronaut Jack Swigert informs mission pilot Jim Lovell "The energizer's bypassed like a Christmas tree, so don't give me too many bumps."
1972 - After hilltopping and getting into general mayhem in Hazzard county with the General Lee, Uncle Jesse warns the Puke boys that "She won't take much more of this."
1988 - Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev defeats President Ronald Reagan in a game of Pac-Man. Tension brews between the two nations as a result.
1993 - During the O. J. Simpson trial, Judge Ito declares, "This jury-rigging won't last for long, Captain."
2000 - Osama bin Laden tells Saddam Hussein about his plan to hijack planes, to which Hussein responds, "Are ye daft lad?!"
2005 - When asked by the United States to return its diplomats to the Six Nation Talks, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il replies, "Diplomats! The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank."
1993 - Nick Jonas, the bane of teenage existence, is born.

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