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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Pictured - people who care

Nobody cares is a policy employed by dictators, despots, democracy, the general public, and the wiki administration. It would be considered the largest epidemic facing the world today if it weren't for the fact that nobody gives a flying cow about epidemics. The school of thought began when somebody wanted something and nobody really wanted to do anything about it, or something. This is thought to have occurred sometime between Ancient Mesopotamia and the Fall of Rome, so we'll say Ancient Greece. Nobody cares enough to find out for sure. Somebody probably started it, with authority probably, so let's say Zeus. He was the ultimate god and ruled over the people or something and then the people weren't happy.

Then there was Rome and the Romans didn't like Christians. The Christians wanted to live. Romans were unmoved and made them fight lions to death. After the fall of Rome, we needed some kind of civilization to stop the barbarians or whatever, but no one could seem to get around to it. This is generally agreed upon (I think) as the beginning of the Dark Ages. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
...that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that I am Batman?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
...that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?

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In the news [edit]

Only two years younger than Nosferatu. R.I.P.

Alcohol gets the Surgeon General's Warning for cancer; chaos ensues
Jimmy Carter kicks bucket at the ripe old age of 100 (Pictured)
Panama Canal faces ominous threats from both global warming and Donald Trump
Google reveals least popular searches of 2024
Jay-Z and Beyonce sit their children down and have a talk with them
Luigi arraigned for gunning down health insurance CEO; pleads not guilty
South Korea's president tries to order pizza, declares martial law instead
Biden pardons Princess Peach and Blossom
- ... and Hunter ... and Fauci ...
- Special Counsel Jack Smith pardons President-elect turkey, meaning he gets away with January 6th
Cicely Tyson demolishes Aaron Paul in Netflix "boxing" match
Project 2025 to be implemented in 2026, riots ensue
The Onion buys InfoWars. Extra true conspiracy theories coming soon!
- "Nope!" says, judge
Epstein pal Trump picks sex pest pedophile as attorney general ... only for him to pull out

Ongoing: Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel–Hamas conflict • United States presidential election aftermath • College football playoff with twelve schools! (not you, 'Bama) • Josh Allen / Lamar Jackson MVP "debate" • Golden Globe Awards

Recent deaths: 2024 • Brian Thompson (United Healthcare CEO) • Democrat party • Diddy's career • The Eras Tour • A CEO who died peacefully and surrounded by his loving family • Greg Gumbel • Jimmy Carter

Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin • Bashar al-Assad • Diddy's freedom • Benjamin Netanyahu • Jay‑Z's career and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Aaron Rodgers' career

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On this day [edit]

January 6: Recover from Holiday Hangover Day

1839 - The Night of the Big Wind hits Ireland with gusts of flatulence, after the communal stew is laced with baked beans.
1929 - Mother Teresa arrives in India, ready to give starving peasants the food of life, Christ Jesus, which is more nourishing than any lentil.
1941 - Franklin D. Roosevelt gives his famous Four Freedoms Speech: freedom to yell at town halls, freedom to worship Jesus, freedom to eat lots of turkey, and freedom to fucking die.
1950 - The United Kingdom officially apologize for the heinous crime of stealing tea from China, but it's still too little too late.
2001 - Congress decides that George W. Bush is the rightful winner after a coin toss.
2010 - Uranus officially undergoes name change to avoid ridicule, henceforth called Urectum. (Pictured)
2011 - Urectum undergoes yet another name change to avoid new ridicule, will now be called Urmom.
2021 - Jesus worshippers living in America's ass invade the U.S. Capitol.

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Picture of the day

Though the United States' new strategy in Iraq has proven effective at routing insurgent rebels, it has done little to relieve the stigma of what many perceive as American imperialism.

Image credit: Thetoastman
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