User:Zim ulator/archive8

My talk page archive number 8.

User:Zim_ulator/UnNews_pass_fail

For those of you who have a perverse inclination to find out what kind of drivel zim has on his older talk pages, check these out:

user:zim ulator/Archive0 user:zim ulator/archive1 user:zim ulator/archive2 user:zim ulator/archive3 user:zim ulator/archive4 user talk:zim ulator/Archive5 user talk:zim ulator/archive6 user talk:zim ulator/archive7

Messages below

Welcome to Uncyclopedia!

Hello, Zim ulator, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for people like you:

• Beginner's Guide
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I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.

At Uncyclopedia, writing articles is not a requirement, but it certainly is a fun and easy way to express your creativity. To write an article, it's recommended that you start it in your userspace (for example, User:Zim ulator/Article about stuff) so you can edit it at your leisure. If you decide to create it in the cold world of mainspace, make sure it is in accordance with the policies laid out above, and if you're not done put the "Work-In-Progress" template - {{construction}} - onto it as well.

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If the current colonization doesn't suit your fancy, then browse our rewrite and idea categories. We have lots of articles just sitting around for someone to improve, so don't be afraid - dive right in!

If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. Again, welcome! • FreddThe Metalhedd • • • 19:05, December 8, 2009 (UTC)

*cough* oh shit *cough* ~ 19:07, December 8, 2009 (UTC)

If you want to be adopted, I'm available. • FreddThe Metalhedd • • • 19:18, December 8, 2009 (UTC)

You too, 'dillo. Helping noobs is my forte, you know.. • FreddThe Metalhedd • • • 19:23, December 8, 2009 (UTC)

Please E-mail

I know i did a shitty job revising that article and i'm terribly sorry. Please send me an e-maikled coply of it. My E-mail is daren_docotor@yahoo.com.

Do you know you have your own user pages? If I email you the article, it'll be in a different format than wiki format, so you can't edit it properly anyway. Why can't you just work on it here? Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 22:03, December 14, 2009 (UTC)

Thanks

Thank you for you vote for noob, although I don't know why either. It feels good, like a warm cookie baked on the back of a warm baby. Appreciated, Aleister in Chains 00:18, December 16, 2009 (UTC)

My pleasure. cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 11:08, December 16, 2009 (UTC)

In Gratitude

~Formerly Annoying Crap 10:04, 17 December 2009

My pleasure, Your Darkness. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 13:11, December 17, 2009 (UTC)

Special Favor

I was wondering if you could pee review this on it's talk page. I ask you because you're an expert in this department, and you liked my last sacrilegious Virgin Mary UnNews (the shark one) enough to nominate it for VFH. -- Kippy the Elf Talk Works ☃ 06:41, Dec. 22, 2009

Sure, I'll have a look. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 15:06, December 22, 2009 (UTC)

Da Encounter Near Da Altar

Nice additions to the pope fight news, thanks. And your recent news articles are funny and entertaining, with a dash of lemon. Merry Festivus plus four. Aleister in Chains 11:53, December 27, 2009 (UTC)

You're welcome, and thank you. I shall now forcibly convert you to Zim Buddhism. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 12:49, December 27, 2009 (UTC)

Yes, the Zim Buddha has taught me the secrets learned while sitting under the tree. The preview appreciated. Many great revelations have I, space is no barrier, and the doctrine of the pipe-bearing one brings larger dimensions and frees the inner vehicle. Aleister in Chains 00:47, December 28, 2009 (UTC)

I see you grasp the tone of one face being slapped. Roshi Zim is now prepared to impart the Zim of chopping wood... for my fathers wood stove. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 13:55, December 28, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost Delivery! - December something!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that took a long enough vacation to make former President Bush jealous.

December 17^th, 2009• Issue 70 • Fuck You! I Felt Like It!

UnSignpost and random editor return from two month break, find that not much has changed By THEDUDEMAN After 2 months, one would think that things would change. But from the looks of it, nothing really has for Uncyclopedia in the past few months with out UnSignpost. In particular, the problems in caring, changing things, doing other things and caring have gone from the problems of two months ago, to the problems of now, with nothing really changing. The causes of these problems, discovered after much digging through archives seems to be the general Nobody cares aditude of the site, and the general populations inability to really change anything, because they don't care. A random user who had been missing since around the last issue of UnSignpost made this comment. "Well, when I left, uncyc had been having its own problems and everyone had been complaining about the same things for some time and nobody really cared enough to do anything, or just couldn't make anything happen." says THEDUDEMAN, who had been missing since late September. "I thought I'd come back and see what was happening in the world of Uncyclopedia, and by the looks of it, nothing has changed" While the general population of Uncyclopedia has been alerted to these aging problems, nobody has raised any fuss to get any of them solved. It seems nothing will ever happen because as they all say, nobody cares. UU notices return of USP, hijacks article for own nefarious ends By UU Yeah, that title pretty much gives it away - evil admin UU has hijacked this section of the USP to announce two festive initiatives: the Mince Pie contest, and the Ban Parto-ho-ho-l, both of which are to be found on his userpage. So if you think you can eat more mince pies this Christmas than UU or current runaway leader Barry Gibb of Bee Gees fame, or if you want to request a friendly festive joke ban for one of your Uncyc chums, get yourselves across to the most festive userpage on the wiki! YOU ARE ALL LAZY TALLYWHACKERS! An Editorial. By The Woodburninator Alright you lazy sons of bitches (no offense to Zana, of course), what in the hell have you been doing these last few months? Gerry takes time away from this awful place for, like 3 months, and no one is able to do a single UnSignpost? Not once. SINCE OCTOBER! Have we as a community forgotten the fine, upstanding tradition that this here barely read online journal has kept going since May of 2008? It is time for a little history lesson boys and girls (No offense to Zombiebaron, of course). The Post was started by Cajek and Skully in May of 2008. That's really as far as I got with my research though, so I guess your history lesson is over. Regardless, how many amazing stories have been broken from the fine investigative journaling over the years? Like the time we broke the story that the UnSignpost was starting up. Or the time we told everyone Spang's talkpage was destroying the Wikia servers. A problem that still haunts us today. Without this venerable post, those stories never would have been unleashed upon the moronic and ignorant public that includes you, who are both a moron and ignorant. We need this thing to bring us the news, and make us laugh. We need this thing for the sake of parody. But, above anything else, we need this post in order to waste Dexter's time when he's forced to deliver them. Have you seen his edits around here over the past few weeks? That guy's getting to be WAY too useful, and if we don't stop him now, who knows what he'll do next. Fix VFH? Win Last person to edit wins? Nip this in the bud Uncyc. Nip this in the fucking bud.

Check out these pages! A Caption Contest... or something... Some sort of war of templates? WTF? Shit like this still going on... Really? From our logs: 19:53, December 15, 2009 Mordillo blocked Bobbinator with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (end of the line, fuckwit. I'm going to track down your IP address and report it to the abuse department of your ISP. run and hide motherfucker, run and hide.) 16:56, December 15, 2009 Under user blocked 209.175.13.46 with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (oy, fuck off. no blanking, no cyberbullying, and NO personal details like phone numbers. GTFO.) 13:20, December 15, 2009 Mordillo blocked 199.43.172.254 with an expiry time of infinite ‎ ("199.43.172.254, causing trouble since 2005") BIOPIC OF THE WEEK AH, WHAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT THEDUDEMAN? THE GUY EXHUDES DUDLINESS AT ALL TIMES DURING HIS TIME HERE. HE WON UNCYCLOPEDIAN OF THE MONTH IN AUGUST OF 2009. HE WON A PLS WHEN HE RE-WROTE DUDE, AN ARTICLE THAT LATER GOT FEATURED, AND FROM WHICH HE TAKES HIS NAMESAKE. HE HALFHEARTEDLY EVEN TRIED TO START THIS EDITION. HAS HE DONE OTHER THINGS THAT ARE COOL, NOTEWORTHY, AND I SHOULD BE TELLING YOU ABOUT? PROBABLY. BUT RESEARCHING ANY OF THAT WOULD FORCE ME TO GO ONTO HIS USERPAGE, AND SINCE I AM AT WORK, I AM UNABLE TO ACTUALY DO THAT. INSTEAD I'LL JUST STICK TO THE ALL CAPS GIMMICK IN A COY TIE-IN TO HIS NAME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THEDUDEMAN. Quote of the Week <zim_ulator> no penis involved here LadyCS has left #uncyclopedia <DrSkullthumper> You just lost LadyCS's interest Old School Featured Article of the Week MonthTri-Month Let Someone Else Do It tm is every intelligent person's philosophy of life. There are plenty of things that if we stop doing them for a long enough time, some other sucker with less patience and a greater sense of responsibility will do them instead. This is an established law of our social reality, and it is our obligation to uphold it. VFD Keep vote of the week. Keep The less use something is, the more I identify with it. mAttlobster. (hello) 22:41, December 28, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Late deliver courtesy of MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 23:38, December 29, 2009 (UTC)

OK, I'm going to improve it

But I can't think of any ideas first. First of all, this article here is what mine is based on. |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Giratina CUN|IC Kill | 08:26, December 31, 2009 (UTC)

It's mostly about the writing, and staying coherent in this case. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 09:18, December 31, 2009 (UTC)

I need guidance/I need an example

I simply can NOT figure these out: 1) How to get rid of those friggin' commas @ the end of my articles. Example here (see those commas after the date?! AAH!) http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/UnNews:Hezbollah_bombs_UnNews_HQ

2) How to correctly write the "Sources" Publisher resource. Grr. I keep getting the wikipedia link. Grr. Sources, fill in the info

 "[ ]" ', Mmmmm DD, YYYY 

if I see this "[ ]". wikipedia:, Mmmmm DD, YYYY instead of a properly formatted source, I may take it as a sign from the gods to delete the article

Help?

Tyvm Smuggler.

Those pesky commas were the ones between each category, and the perios was at the enc of the category list; they don't belong there, so they showed up as wiki plain text. Your source was fine. My comment you refered to meant I don't want to literally see that text instead of a properly formatted source. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:41, January 3, 2010 (UTC)

Hey, you voted for my article on VFH and helped make it a feature.

8===========D~ ~ ~ ~O:

And I'm too lazy to make a proper template for it. Thanks! sausage lol 18:53, January 7, 2010 (UTC)

My pleasure. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 19:02, January 7, 2010 (UTC)

Best used in the Bedroom

The podcast is up and running... Niice. ~Formerly Annoying Crap 06:26, 8 January 2010

I'm glad you approve, now go record something! Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 12:42, January 8, 2010 (UTC)

Template:Q

Reverend: {{Q}} is locked, and it says this has something to do with you, so perhaps you are its owner. (Anyway, I would not edit a template with implications on 20,000 other pages without consultation.) I have a couple of problems with {{Q}}, which I documented in the experimental template {{Q1}}. Check it out and decide if you wish to change {{Q}}. Amen. Spıke ¬  03:27 10-Jan-10

Have you seen the {{nicequote}} template? See Formatting#Quotes for others. I thing the m-dash, although proper in usage is ugly, and there is a reason the text is so small. I agree the use of the 'code' tags is poor syntax, but overall I prefer the look of the current version to your bigger bolder new version. Also, you should have made the Q1 template in your userspace, not in the mainspace. Sorry to butt in, just my 2 cents. ~Formerly Annoying Crap 06:51, 10 January 2010

No problem at all. "Bigger bolder" can be fixed and was not one of my goals. What {{Q}} produces on this end is ugly too, and I prefer an em-dash to a tilde. Ultimately, I'll take Q1 to QVFD; I was unaware that templates in my userspace could be invoked with curly brackets. Spıke ¬  11:40 10-Jan-10

I didn't know I had anything to do with this template. Can't help, I think. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 14:11, January 10, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks for the reply. Q says it's protected because it appears on your user page, which is protected-with-cascading. At least this thread got Zana's attention. I'll ask elsewhere. Spıke ¬  14:31 10-Jan-10

Reviving the UnNews Sunday magazine

Yo. Mordillo said I should talk to you about this. I was thinking of bringing back the UnNews Sunday magazine. I've done some samples here. I was thinking we might set up a template so that a random cover would appear on the UnNews front page. What do you think? -- tacky Ape (wamble) (Riot Porn) 09:29, January 14, 2010 (UTC)

Brilliant! All of them! Are you thinking of adding little boxes like : INSIDE: ZIMS BUTT LOOKS FABULOUS! WHAT'S HIS SECRET?, or something funny, like the older ones had? Thanks for this contribution... I will consider a suitable reward. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 13:24, January 14, 2010 (UTC)

I should be clearer: more little boxes, or do you like just one at the botton? Hilarious! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 13:25, January 14, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost January several-days-ago^th

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!

Jan 14th, 2010 • Issue71 • Keeping You Guessing

Uncyclopedia Voting Season Arrives, Users Driven To Voting Frenzy By UU 'Tis the season to abstain with extreme prejudice! Yes, every anal-retentive voting obsessive's favourite time of the year has arrived: January marks the point of the year when the awards for the best things of the previous year are voted on! If that's not an oxymoron on a site that is acknowledged to be the worst, of course. This poll-packed month sees WotY, UotY and PotY join (deep breath) WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP as forums for people to air their opinions, prejudices, minor rivalries and petty jealousies. And as if this wasn't enough voting-related thrills 'n' spills, when the Top 10 articles of December 2009 have been decided, there'll be the Top 10 articles of 2009 proper to vote for! UnSignpost's fearless reporter and mascot DogNewspaper (pictured) predicts a bumper month for whoring, in-fighting, backstabbing and bitching as users scramble to secure themselves a fleeting moment's recognition from up to several of their peers. Followed by next to no voting in February, as everyone recovers. From the desk of the Cabal: 2010 ordered to be Drama free By The Cabal As Uncyclopedia drunkenly stumbles into the new decade, barely managing to hold down that spicy dinner it had for lunch, the non-existent cabal would like to wish all residents a happy new year. And by wish we mean order, residents would be subjects and by happy new year we mean fuck you all where communism hasn't failed yet. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we saw it all in 2009. We saw dozens of forums declaring that we're the worst (which we know), we saw numerous editors leave the front door open on the way out (come on people! it's bloody -7 outside!), we saw epic banninations (the simple joys of life), we saw prolific gay bashing (ideologically pure of course), we saw religious wars over sausages, we saw the worst 100 reflections of 2009 barely close before the midnight of December 31st. You promised in 2008 you wouldn't do that. You failed us. And so, ladies and gentlemen, we raise our collective arses from the toilet which was 2009, wiping it with the first anniversary edition of the UnSignpost, as this is the only good thing that ever came out of this rag of a newspaper. We would like to ask humbly that the population of Uncyclopedia do the following: Please, for the love of Sophia, remain calm; exit the building in an orderly fashion; remember that objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are; understand that allergen traces may be found in this Uncyclopedia. And always remember the prime directive: you are here to have fun. Or in short - shut the fuck up and go write an article. Thank you for your undivided attention citizens. You may now remove your muzzles.

Check out these pages! Now you have no excuse Pretend people care what you like It makes as much sense as Scientology, I suppose From our logs: 09:22, 12 January 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 64.40.243.245 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ ("raccist"? what's that, prejudiced against raccoons?) 03:33, 12 January 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.101.196.155 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (lol i'm astral projecting an image of two gay guys having sex into your mind or something) 19:06, 6 January 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 216.64.230.79 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Nigger to you too, sir.) 19:05, 5 January 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked JeChr (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Jesus is dead. He's not coming back.) 23:05, 3 January 2010 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.217.57.240 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (That was a waste of an edit. There are edit-starved kids in China that would've used that to its fullest extent, you know.) Biopic of the Week Prowling the corridors of pee review with a light step but a heavy hand, ChiefjusticeDS is Uncyc's reigning king of the golden river. He's reviewed more articles than most Uncyclopedians have read. In their entire lives. And he keeps a benevolent eye on everyone else, making sure there's no stale pee in the pond. If you've had a good review in the last year or so, he probably had a hand in that somewhere. Doff your cap and move on. Old-School Featured Article of the Week HowTo:Run away from home is a guide to every early teenager's ultimate weapon in the never-ending battle with the forces of evil as represented by their parents. Written by Alksub - who most of our readership won't remember - this is exactly what to do next time your parents don't let you stay out late to meet that nice-sounding kid you met over MSN who seemed very keen to hook up and get to know you better! Trend of the Year (so far) Username changing. Username a little short? Lengthen it for no good reason! All the cool kids are doing it, apparently.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

I swore I'd never hand-deliver this again. Here it is. --UU - natter 09:29, Jan 18

Thanks

for putting the story about the no-good grandmother-shagging Brett Favre in the UnNews lead spot. I hope he sees the story, and his wife, and his dog. . . I've got a few more ideas to be written up in the coming days, but this one jumped out. Thanks. Aleister in Chains 25 Jan. MMX

My pleasure, love the story and hate that cunt Farve. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 17:13, January 25, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 28th January 2010

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.

Jan 28th • Issue 73 • A Periodical. Period.

Continuing Absence Of Certain Users Forces Other Users To Do Things By UU It has come to the notice of our fearless journalists that some users have recently been desperately attempting to fill the gaping void left by the absence of some other users. For instance, in the absence of part-time dinosaur and popular keyboard feature SysRq, Why do I need to provide this? has stepped bravely into the Colonization brief (and has not, for instance, been forcefully volunteered for the task by MrN), dedicating himself to bringing colons where there are none (such is our understanding). Also bravely stepping into the "ban magnet" position created by the continuing and lamented absence of hyperactive loon Cajek is, well, a plethora of users. Admins, deprived of their favourite joke-ban target, have taken to joke banning anyone in an attempt to get their fix. Even those devoted to doing only good, just and true works have recently been targeted; and as if to prove this very statement, some power-crazed asshole went and joke banned Socky, RabbiTechno and Optimuschris as soon as he'd written this sentence. Elsewhere, ChiefjusticeDS has been filling the gap left by the absence of someone's enthusiasm for anything pee-related right at the moment by looking after the pee list, taking over as the person with the most in-depth reviews, reviewing everyone else's reviews, and generally not being lazy about it all. At the same time, the continuing absence of the yellow and black sig of Gerrycheevers has forced grumbling British curmudgeon UU to return to the Wiki's only newspaper, the UnSignpost, churning out issues that are, let's be honest, mere placeholders until Gerry gets his arse back here and writes something worth reading. YOU HEAR ME GERRY? GET THE FUCK BACK HERE NOW DAMMIT! Rumours that, in the relative absence of Orian57, Roman Dog Bird will take over the position of "token gay" are unconfirmed at the time of going to press. And finally, in the absence of enough content to make this issue balance out nicely, the UnSignpost is once again resorting to using blatant filler for the first time this year. Shameless, that's what it is. Complain to someone - it's the only way they'll learn.

Check out these pages! This seems to mean something to some people Bonzer Bruce, throw another stereotype on the barbie! Like. Comment. From our logs: 20:30, 26 January 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.223.27.16 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (No-one talks that way about my favourite Jew. Learn some manners or GTFO.) 00:48, 26 January 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Why do I need to provide this? (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes ‎ (Sometimes I feel, like I've been TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEDDD to the Whipping Post!!!!) 18:19, 24 January 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.42.246.27 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Toll. Idiot. Whatever. Banned, UnBanned, Banned, Banned. BYE. Try IRC next time. The guys in there will enjoy it.) Biopic of the Week Users today, they barely know they're born. The problem? Too little exposure to Flammable. The permanent curator of the Principal's office rarely deigns to grace us mortals with his presence these days, but the very sight of his rainbow-strewn sig used to inspire fear, dread, terror and, for some reason, carol singing. "While shepherds fed their flocks thermite..." Old-School Featured Article of the Week This one's for you, Guildy: HowTo:Be pretentious. Don your black polo-neck, cock a snook at the hoi polloi, and sit back, secure in your superiority, thanks to this indispensable guide! Cursory Mention of the Week CheddarBBQ wanted to be mentioned in this week's Signpost. So he is.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001(bot)  15:02, Jan 28

I thought you'd like it!

You know, there are somethings, like that cyclops, that no matter what I try and do with them just say You know there Penny, Rev. Zim would get a charge out of that! Dame GUN PotY WotM 2xPotM 17xVFH VFP Poo PMS •YAP• 01:29, January 31, 2010 (UTC)

You have good instincts about zim ulators. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 02:37, January 31, 2010 (UTC)

this is the fourth time you've won this, apparently

E G A E D M The Emmanuel Goldstein Award January 2010

-- Roman Dog Bird 00:58, February 1, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks for your elegant presentation! Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 02:09, February 1, 2010 (UTC)

Youse was robbed, or was youse?

I thought that the Foolitzer was closed for December, because another vote broke the tie. So, for all intense and porpises, when I nommed you for Jan. I thought it was a new contest. And that PF3Eva had won December and you had won Jan. So how did that not happen? Highways robberies, as I'se sees it, yeah. Aleister in Chains 2:01 1 Feb. MMX

Yeah, I'm confused about that too. Plus, I be an awards whore, and I wants whats mines, argh! Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 02:14, February 1, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 4th February 2010

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!

Feb 4th, 2010 • Issue 74 • Ain't It Uncool? News!

Spang Archives Talkpage; End of World Expected Imminently By UU Renowned Wikia fan, code monkey and sexy admin Spang has performed what many users believe to be the clearest sign to date of impending apocalypse: he's archived his talk page. After almost 2 years of torturing the Wiki's servers, and having amassed a fairly impressive 410,844 bytes of content, Spang finally decided to give people the chance to talk to him without waiting for half an hour for his page to load. When asked for his reasoning behind this unprecedented move, the muddy funster quipped "no comment". Faced with such dazzling repartee, this reporter has no choice but to cut to the next story and hope he has some better quotes to pad it out with. Award Winners Speak Exclusively to UnSignpost By Someone who definitely isn't running out of ideas already this year Well, there you go folks, looks like the "... of the Year" award voting is done and dusted for another year. Thanks to all who voted; without you, the admins would probably have less to do, which would obviously be dangerous. Anyway, that aside, your ever-topical Unsignpost went and mugged the various winners for comments on their various wins. Several of them, of course, have already made their feelings clear to those who voted for them by way of the traditional thanks templates. Apart from UU, because he's a lazy ass. Or because he's busy writing this. Whichever. Anyway again, for the benefit of those who didn't vote for the winners, and don't watch their talk pages, here's what they had to say: Runaway WotY Hype said: "Thanks, you guys!! If you'll permit me to be dead serious for the first time ever on the wiki, this really is an honor, and it's pretty damn touching that so many people came out in support of my work. Whew. Being serious felt weird. I feel... strange. BALLS BALLS PENIS COCK. Ah... there's the stuff!" He then went off to write another My Sojourn spin-off. Even more runaway PotY Sonje said: "Thank you, I intend to return as soon as I can. I am currently in Africa with very limited internet access. I'll try to time my return to co-incide with the Oscars so that I can get some pointers for my acceptance speech." Admittedly, that was before we asked her for a comment, but then, she is in Africa with limited internet access. Joint UotY Socky channeled Churchill to say: "*scrapes throat* Ahem! I would like to say to the community as I would say to anyone who joined this website: Uncyclopedia has nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs — Victory in spite of all error — Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival. … That seems to be the wrong Churchill speech. Okay, I'll give it another try. *scrapes throat again* The gratitude of every home throughout the world, except in the abodes of the guilty, goes out to the British airmen and Belgian spies who, undaunted by odds, unwearied in their constant challenge and mortal danger, are turning the tide of the Wiki War by their prowess and by their devotion. Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to two people. And so on and so on… Woot! Woot!" Long-winded bugger. And other joint UotY UU said: "wow, Socky's already left me needing a lot of filler for the right panel, so I'll keep this shortish. First, it's good to see someone who isn't an admin get their hands on this award, and Socky's hard work deserves recognition. Second, it's great to have my complete lack of a life recognised in this way. Third, did someone say Spang's archived his talk page? What the fuck's that all about?." Oh, and Dr. Skullthumper was UGotY, but that was a foregone conclusion anyway. He didn't seem to have any comment of his own to make, so TKF hopped in to the breach with "I call the award a "fascist disgrace" and "move to permanently disbar Mike Socia, that ape from Lighting who made my mole visible to all of the goddamn world watching the ceremony."" Which about wraps it all up, I hope.

Check out these pages! No really, it's archived and everything! There are moar quesitons than answers Not sure what the point is, but it's not made with a certain style A question we have all asked, so many times From our logs: 13:56, 2 February 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 161.12.7.4 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Excess stupid detected. Take it to Niggermania, VNN or one of the many charming forums for racist lunatics like yourself out there.) 11:15, 1 February 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.49.98.244 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (ITALY does not rule and has not ruled for quite some time now actually. Blame the Christians if I were you...) 19:46, 29 January 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.11.81.96 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Improve your manners, cunt) 09:51, 29 January 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.167.51.90 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (UN:VAIN. have a quick read of it, and see why we're not interested in you. although you could probably just look in a mirror and figure that out...) Biopic Legend of the Week MadMax. Forty two thousand edits. Countless other contributions that can never be measured by simple Wiki stats software. No drama. Ever. Probably the single greatest force for good on this miserable little wiki. And it took us until issue 74 to profile him. The UnSignpost sucks; Max certainly doesn't. Old School Featured Article of the Week The 1x1x1 Rubik's Cube is by far "The Most Difficult Puzzle Of All Time™". Many have scrambled, twisted and turned this mythical puzzle, but few have solved it. By the end of this article, YOU TOO will be able to solve this puzzle. Unfortunately... you may encounter some problems on the way though... such as, twisting the cube the wrong way when speedsolving. The Desperate Return of Cajek Ban of the Week! (Block log); 10:20 . . Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10000 years ("And he shall scourage the Earth for 9999 years. And then one more" Book of Mordillo, chapter 1 verse plox. ) Horoscope of the Week Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - So, yeah, it's the start of Black History Month. And speaking of Black History, seems like it's an appropriate time to finally track down your real father. You see, it turns out, that's not just a Jew-fro. For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here. Redundancy of the Week Did we mention Spang's archived his talk page?

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9001(bot)  15:21, Feb 4

Well thank you

well thank you. i'm (obviously) new to the wikiscape so i'm just trying to figure it out as i go (forgetting the signature, for example) and create crap in between. but, again, thank you for the props. Hum ya 19:22, February 8, 2010 (UTC)

My pleasure. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 00:58, February 9, 2010 (UTC)

Drukenshark

Just read you exchange with Drunkenshark, and the nice thoughts and deeds you've shown her, and I really think she's a very very creative writer who just doesn't write in English as a first language. Until I ran across her she had never had anyone come by her talk page (except for the initial welcome) for two years, and I really mean it when I say she has slipped under everyone's radar--until now. Nice choice, to feature her UnNews, and a worthy choice. Aleister in Chains 2:22 9 Feb. MMX

Hmmm. Maybe. Let's VFH her. As is, and don't let anyone "correct" her article. Thoughts? Al, a few minutes later.

Sounds good to me. I can't believe she's been here that long. My favorite "cuteness factor" article is still Hyena blazing, but she shows promise and may surpass that lofty piece. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 02:52, February 9, 2010 (UTC)

Got it wrong, only here for one year. I'll read Hyena, and the others, and get back to you at some point soon. She's putting lots of new stuff on her user page. Wish I could write in French, but can't. Al 3:07 9 Feb. MMX

Doesn't look like Hyena is hers. The user name is wrong, and she doesn't list it as one of her articles. I nommed one of her pictures on VFP. The unnews is soooo damn cute, as his her userpage wording. Somehow she captures broken English in a way I've never seen before. Going to read her "Bones" more closely, hopefully nobody has "corrected" her words there in a way that can't be retrieved. Aleister in Chains 22:07 9 Feb. MMX

No, Hyena blazing is an article I found by some user lost to the mists of time. I did read Bones, and yes, I agree, it's funny as Hell and doesn't need any improvement. Let's hope her talent at "breaking English" continues to bless our pages. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 00:37, February 10, 2010 (UTC)

Brett Peyton Favre Manning

I changed the Brett Favre story to Peyton Manning and put it back on UnNews, but only for a brief time. Maybe it could be left for a few hours for the fun of it, and then it will go back to its original form. Thanks, Al, Chained, 3:53 9 Feb. MMX

UnNews audio from Spike

I've converted a recent dispatch to audio for your possible use: File:PC encryption chip hacked.mp3. See also the discussion at User talk:The Humbled Master. Spıke ¬  13:25 10-Feb-10

And another: File:Media reassign investigators to Scott Brown.mp3. Thank you for the cookie, plus the specific praise! Regarding the sign-off, I had queried you on The Humbled Master's talk page. Unfortunately, it wasn't a tip of the hat to you, because if I thought it was your personal hallmark sign-off, I would have done something different. In future audios, I think I'll change it up, and end with the tag line, Straight talk, from straight faces. Spıke ¬  03:22 11-Feb-10

To be honest, I sort of like the idea of others using my sign off. It ties in well with my quest to create a secret meme, "Bat Fuck", and Zim Buddhism. I realize, of course, that I like it because my ego likes it. If you do change it up, it still ties in with the above mentioned idiosyncrasies of mine, it just goes in another direction. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 14:02, February 11, 2010 (UTC)

Wait a minute! you can't claim ownership of the concept of idiosyncracies! Anyway, in today's audio, I did indeed use my own sign-off. Not having a Cough Switch, I diverted the playback PC around DirectX to turn off the "Teletype" for the quote. Unfortunately, this meant that theme music and Teletype were louder than before, overmodulated in places. There was an advantage to the era of dials with numbers on them, and that advantage was repeatability. I need a "producer"!

Separately, I've edited UnNews:UnNewsAudio, not just adding myself but changing the formatting of the multicolumn table, with code I found somewhere and have used on my user page, so that stuff no longer needs to be manually shifted between columns. Clearly, this code was tweaked to work correctly on three different browsers. If something craps-the-bed, you'll know what caused it and can revert. Spıke ¬  00:32 13-Feb-10

UnSignpost 11th February 2010

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

Feb 11th, 2010 • Issue 75 • Picking the nuts of truth out of the muesli of news. Or something.

New way to win awards, impress friends, crush rivals! By UU Writing competitions, eh? With the Poo Lit Surprise, the Turkey Day Ball, and a conservation week or two, it would seem Uncyclopedians can't get enough of 'em. And now there's another! But this one has a point that separates it from the herd. Well a couple of points, actually. One: it's organised by human wiki-whirlwind MadMax, so it'll probably be efficient as all get-out; two: it's a sneaky way of fulfilling a need. See, there are all these great ideas for articles floating around at UN:REQ; articles that would undoubtedly improve this festering little wiki. And there they sit, being good ideas, but not being used. This competition aims to change all that! Yes, that's right, The Article Whisperer is a competition that gives you the ideas to get you started, all you need to do is supply the funny. What could be easier? Well, since you ask, perhaps judging it could? Max is also looking for at least 4 more opinionated types, unafraid of passing withering judgement on their peers. If you're interested in judging or entering, or if you have a good idea that would elevate this competition from being a damn good idea to a colossally awesome one, let MadMax know either on his talk page, or on the article's talk page. For those who want to selflessly improve the wiki while crushing all around them under the steel wheels of their genius, there can be no finer opportunity! General news round-up By UU As several things have been happening recently in Uncyclopedia, and ace cub reporter DogNewspaper is in some sort of snow-induced hibernation, and consequently too lazy to write individual articles on any of them, here is a quick synopsis of a couple of the more newsworthy recent events on the wiki in handy easy-to-digest bite-sized chunks. Mordillo nearly went mad attempting to feature all articles tied for tenth place in the top 10 of last year. And then spent the rest of this month to date patiently fielding questions about how long the rest of the featuring was going to take, and when normal featuring would resume. POTR did his best to help. When not asked for a quote, Mordillo said "FUCK YOU VERY MUCH AND SEE YOU IN 2011". We think he's just talking about the top 10, and not about taking a 10 month hiatus. That is, we hope so. A recent VFD nomination ended in a deletion marathon, as MrN and RDB spent 2 hours removing every last trace of the notorious Game:Page. Apart from the traces Mordillo deleted, that is. And the redirects to it that UU took care of, come to think of it. But still, all told, an impressive act of mass carnage only made more awesome by the fact that they somehow managed to delete Socky's userpage at one point during the proceedings. MrN claims "Both RDB and me still have sore huffing fingers you know".

Check out these pages! Insulting sports players - the future of comedy When is a month not a month? The most important link you'll ever click From our logs: 15:04, 8 February 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 169.139.1.20 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (We are having communications issues here. When I say don't recreate, it means don't press that little create button and paste the same content for the third time) 11:55, 8 February 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.75.78.223 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (there are a million better things you could be doing with your life right now, but you're inserting barely literate insults to a sports player on a comedy wiki. must suck really hard to be you.) 08:35, 7 February 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.92.151.225 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (We don't care if you fuck horses. No need to tell the world. Maybe the police, but that's up to you.) Biopic of the Week Being as he's now been on Uncyclopedia for three bastardin' years, this seems as good a time as any to profile Kip the Dip. A man of many contrasts, Kip appears to be some sort of useful gobshite. His enthusiasm for all things Uncyclopedia, including his tireless championing of Euroipods and sterling work on The word parakeet written exactly two hundred and forty-two times have helped make this wiki what it is today. The Worst. Thanks, Kip. Old School Featured Article of the Week Patriotism is an air-borne disease caused by the bacterium enlistment bonusai. It was first observed in 1776 by Dr. Arnold Bazonga, but was initially confused with the alcohol-borne illness bravery. Patriotism is communicable through the auditory ingestion of feces. Contamination often occurs from politicians, entrepreneurs, country music singers, Richard Albinger and French Emperors. Final Side-Panel Box of the Week Because we don't need that much padding this week.

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9001(bot)  13:10, Feb 11

In respect to your nomming

Double thanks for a nom that is awesome. hopefully i can keep up a level of mild funnyishness. I won't let you down, Chief! Hum ya 19:04, February 11, 2010 (UTC)

Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh! He called me chief! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 19:11, February 11, 2010 (UTC)

Organizing UnNews audio

Here are some observations about the UnNews front page:

• The list of audio you get by clicking AUDIO is not the same list of the ten most recent files shown on the front page. In the former, Section 4, Recent Releases seems to be out of date.
• It would be nice if {{RecentUnNews}} included an icon indicating whether audio is available on the fifteen most recent dispatches overall.
• The directory of dispatches and audio dispatches is a database. Usually you do want to see them in reverse chronological order, achieved by asking authors to patch new stuff in at the top. But I might want to sort them by author, geographically, by theme, or by editorial vs "straight" news. I've seen in wikis a table that lets you click on the header to specify the column by which you want to sort. It would be useful to fit UnNews releases into such a table.

Don't know how to do any of the above, so I'm dumping it in your lap. Please put it on the wish list. Or use it to light your woodstove. Spıke ¬  14:22 14-Feb-10

Coincidentally, I've been thinking about changes to the front page. Thanks for the input. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 14:53, February 14, 2010 (UTC)

Other even more minor points:

• The diction you praised is achieved by audio edit of every stutter and first-take, a dozen of them in last night's dispatch on the luge crash. I could make it cleaner by overlaying the sound effects later, rather than reading the news in front of a speaker, but that's too much like work.
• No audio for the next few days; believe me, you don't want to hear my voice right now.
• I disagreed with your tagging with {{ICU}} the article on "Google fucking league" and said so on its talk page (which satisfies me). However, later, user Anstander blanked the page and slammed the door on his way out. You had the right to add {{ICU}} (heck, any of us do), but this approach with this individual did not serve the goal of getting more stuff out of him. (I see no alternatives that would work in every case.) Spıke ¬  16:45 14-Feb-10

Again, coincidentally, I was just reading where Anstander called me a "humorless cunt" when I notice your message had been posted. I addressed his concerns here. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 17:10, February 14, 2010 (UTC)

You have defended your honor, but it does seem he's Outta Here. And I am on notice to watch which names I call you, if I should stoop to name-calling.... Spıke ¬  19:05 14-Feb-10

Meh, honor-schmonner. In truth, I am amused and flattered that I rate being called such an extraordinary name, and have documented this in my Hate speech page. You, sir, can get away with just about anything. As did Anstander, considering I gave him a light scolding buried in sarcasm, and refrained from banning him. Among Uncyc users I am known to have a long fuse, at the end of which I give several warnings, after which I ban them for short periods, after which... well, let's not let it come that.

Lest you fear for the bat-virginity of your own pie-hole, fear not. In fact, I'm liking the work you're putting into UnNews. "If you leave me now, you'll take away a special part of me...oooooo....no, baby please don't go..." Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 19:20, February 14, 2010 (UTC)

The Clash

Doug Fieger has passed. He was the front man for The Clash, which finally reached fame (when Fieger would have been about 40) by singing about hot sex with 16-year-olds. The band's signature hit was My Sarcoma (covered later by Cheech Marin as My Scrotum, seriously). AP says his brother is Geoffrey Feiger. He is the lawyer who defended Jack Kevorkian and could not parlay this into elective office. This doesn't quite merit a dispatch to UnNews, as we must not speak ill of the dead, especially when we don't know that those brain cancers are a result of the disease that affects most famous rockers, and even if it were, we can't make fun of that any more. But it may merit an entry in Michigan (Famous Michiganders). The only other comparable one is Madonna. Spıke ¬  14:20 15-Feb-10

Interesting. Sure, it rates a news story, although I probably couldn't do the subject. As a famous Michiganer, though, he certainly qualifies. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 15:00, February 15, 2010 (UTC)

As a side note, I sing "My Scrotum" to myself, and sometimes at my wife, at least twice a week. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 15:01, February 15, 2010 (UTC)

Ooh! Too much detail! Don't need to know. I didn't follow the band enough to provide a lot of background, least of all more song-title puns, but the reason I'm passing on this for now is that it seems the result would be more tasteless (which alone isn't a problem) than funny. Spıke ¬  15:40 15-Feb-10

Okay, the article is in. This time I will leave it to you to add it to the headlines if you think the result is more funny than tasteless. Ignore that; it has been sanity-checked and is now installed. Spıke ¬  17:41 15-Feb-10

More stuff on UnNewsAudio

• You should delete the "verbatim" claim on the first line. My audio dispatches are not verbatim; I routinely shuffle content to minimize "quote-unquote," and otherwise adapt written articles to the spoken word.
• I don't mind if the Broadcast Staff is sorted first by rank, but at least it should be sorted.
• Who is "Zombie gerbil" and why does he come up on the page as a red link?

That's all for now. Spıke ¬  16:32 16-Feb-10 PS--No it isn't. I'm gonna hack the page. You may post-edit or revert as you see fit. Spıke ¬  16:40 16-Feb-10

Well, fuck me running. You're more trouble than a room full of alpacas at an asthmatics convention. I'm just going to have to consult the Cabal, which does not exist, about your meddling ways. I like your spirit, and I like the fact that you write articles more in the spirit of the founders of UnNews, that is to say, based on topical real world news and presented as a satire of Wikipedia News. I also happen to think the stuff I contribute is justified, in the sense that it certainly is not news, which in my mind, makes it UnNews. More on this later, as decisions are made and such. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:43, February 16, 2010 (UTC)

Thank you for the Ninja star. Honorable page now hacked. The stuff at the end is commented out instead of deleted; as mentioned, the list of audios was out of date; the link to the "de-renderer" was a comedy link rather than to a real tool; and the audio archive doesn't work. It always serves up a partial list of the best of UnNews 2006. Spıke ¬  18:34 16-Feb-10

You, sir, rock! Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:56, February 16, 2010 (UTC)

Yeah, the de-renderer thing... well, I had some good weed at the time... Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:58, February 16, 2010 (UTC)

user page

ah, by no means, Chief ulator. the drive by paging was mag-ni-fic. i just wanted to personalize and show the UnCommunity who i really am and that is through my devotion to Australian film. Mad Max, the Road Warrior, Beyond Thunderdome, Australia, other things with Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman in them, the series Blackpool that i couldn't watch when my friend got it for his sister because the region codes didn't work out. all classics. but your interest in my page is both heart warming and sexually arousing heart warming. Hum ya 01:53, February 15, 2010 (UTC)

I hadn't gotten a peep from you when I vandalized your user page, so I thought, maybe the "Your mom" pic offended him. Small chance, assuming you've read more than one Uncyc article, but a chance nevertheless. Did I mention that I sexually arouse most other Uncyclopedia users enjoy your UnNews contributions, and think you have the potential to win fabulous prizes and awards? Keep up the good work, and I guarantee absolutely nothing at all. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 12:44, February 15, 2010 (UTC)

Whoring a 2007 article

I won't whore this to everyone, (Spike and others, you may like it too) but look at my nom on the VFH of a 2007 page I came across from a one-time user. An UnNews journalist such as yourself may appreciate it as much as I do, for its realism, concept, and well-doneidness. And you owe me $15,000, please pay by check by the first of the month. Aleister in Chains 15:57 15 Feb. MMX

Link, please? Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:08, February 15, 2010 (UTC)

Would seem to be Uncyclopedia:VFH#The Camera Obscura Collection of Hans Helmuth Saltzman (1602-1668). I haven't been voting on VFH, and don't have the cultural savvy to do this one justice, though I did type a comment on Zim's recent editorial on Bart Stupak. FYI, people, I am only watching this page because of an active conversation (new message to you, Zim, two sections up). Normally you have to come to my talk page if you want to whore something! Spıke ¬  16:58 15-Feb-10

Got it. Whoring in the future will be on the appropriate streetcorner. Glad you liked the page Zim, isn't it a fun one? The guy who wrote it must have been at least familiar with academia indexing and historial filing, had a one-time idea, knew about uncy, and then never returned. A good background story somewhere in there. Enjoy. Al 19:16 16 Feb . MMX