Buffalo Bills

Lords of No Rings, a.k.a. the Buffalo Bills

City	Buffalo, Siberia
Team colors	'Murica
Head Coach	Joe "Mama" Brady (not related to this Brady)
Owner	The Pegulas
General Manager	Mr. Bean
Super Bowls won	HA!
Super Bowls lost
Nickmames	Canada's team, the team Trump almost bought
Fight song	"The Bills Make Me Wanna Puke"

The Buffalo Bills are a "professional" football "team". Their home is in Buffalo, New York. They are widely regarded as one of the most successful NFL franchises to exist ever. Their only championships where in 1964 and 1965 where they won two AFL titles. However, the Bills have not won any championships since the AFL–NFL merger. A move that many now consider "a huge fuck up". They were owned by a 93-year-old zombie man who refused to die named Ralph Wilson. In 2014, Wilson finally kicked the bucket, fucking zombie! Buffalo Sabres owner, oil fracker, and resident idiot Terry Pegula bought the team.

The Buffalo Bills are named after Buffalo Bill, a friendly man who would often have guests stay over for several days, then skin them alive.

History

The Buffalo Bills have a very successful history with a win/loss record of 322–346, losing 54% of their games. The Bills were recently inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records as the only team to go to 1,389 consecutive championship games, and the only team to lose 1,389 consecutive championship games.

The common Bills fuckup (Buffaloius suckius)

Fuckups

The Buffalo Bills have been known to "fuck up" every now and then and cause fans and even assistant coaches (see exhibit A: Ken Dorsey) to "vomit bile" or "rage quit". Here are some of those incidents:

The Super Bowls

"I hit it just right, what could have gone wrong?"
— Scott Norwood

In 1990 The Bills went to the Super Bowl for the first time, led by their false prophet Jim Kelly. Many felt that it was finally time for the Bills to "Win one". The Bills were down with mere seconds left in the game. To beat the Giants they had to kick it through the uprights. Scott Norwood, who never missed, kicked it and it went wide right. Then Ralph Wilson was struck with dementia and never hired any successful coach ever again except for Wade Phillips.

Scott Norwood is now an alcoholic and is regarded as "Worse than Hitler" by Buffalonians.

Music City Miracle

What is considered a miracle by most of the NFL but is considered a major cause of suicide in Buffalo is the Titans Vs. Buffalo playoff game back in 1999:

Bills coach Wade Phillips, in a brilliant and stunning move, decided to catch the Titans off guard by subbing in second second string Quarterback Rob Johnson for Doug Flutie. The Titans were so surprised that they promptly responded with a 75‑yard punt return and fake throw for a touchdown, causing the Bills to lose 16–22 and stick their faces in the sand and asses in the air in shame for 17 years. In his final state of the union address on January 29, 2000, former president Bill Clinton stood at the podium, with his saxophone next to him, stating that a loss for the Bills was a win for America.

The Shittiest Game Ever Played

The Cleveland Browns were set to face off against the Buffalo Bills. What followed was an amazing display of such mediocrity and lack of talent many viewers forgot they were watching professional football and thought they were watching an Ed Wood movie. This game stands out as one of the shittiest displays of football. EVER. For both teams. In fact there was so much shit in Ralph Wilson stadium that it was dubbed "the world's largest toilet." The company Waste Management even tried to dispose of a few players. Unfortunately, the coaches didn't allow it, and continued to put them on the field. 20 Bills fans and 12 Browns fans were sent to hospital during the game from being exposed to the toxic shit; resulting in 3 fatalities. Most people who were at that game are now dead as their eyes melted from seeing such a pathetic and horrible display of "football". The Browns went on to win the game 6–3 with only two completions. Yeah, two. For the horrible crimes against Humanity that this game had waged, both the Browns and the Bills were tried at a Military Tribunal held by the UN in Spain. Both were sentenced to death by hanging, but after appeals they had their penalty reduced to Fucking up their team in the 2010 NFL draft by picking players in positions where they don't need help.

On Top of that they were also sentenced to a re-match the next season. The Bills won this one 6–13, but there was a "two-hour" moment of silence in order to remember the atrocities committed by both teams approximately a year to that date. Noting that only three people showed up to the game, it can be assumed that everybody in Buffalo followed suit with the silence.

The GOAT

After a few more years of mediocrity or downright suckiness, in which the Bills trotted out "quarterbacks" such as J. P. Loseman, Trentative Checkwards, Kevin "slipped on a rug and knocked himself out" Kolb, and EJ "Give that guy a" Manuel, new Bills head coach and football terrorist Sean McDermott benched the only somewhat competent quarterback they had in years, Tyrod Taylor, for a revolutionary new weapon, Nathan Peterman, who was set to reinvent the game of football by passing to the opposite team only. Unfortunately, the league did not pick up on his innovations, as he chucked up what was officially counted as five million pick‑six interceptions in one half of a game to the San Diego Chargers defense. Dude threw so many interceptions in succession that it singlehandedly turned the Chargers defense, the worst defense of all time, into the best, and eliminated the Bills from playoff contention even though they were 7–2 at the time with seven games to go. SEVEN!

Because of this monstrosity (and also because Chargers edge rusher Joey Bosa was assessed a roughing the passer penalty for sneezing on Peterman, then subsequently tossed from the game and arrested), "Roger Rabbit" Goodell actually felt so bad for the Bills, for once, that he automatically assigned them a playoff berth even though they inevitably finished 7–9 because of the Petermeme fiasco, only for them to be wrecked by a quarterback from Jacksonville named Bort in the first round. For his crimes against decency, and for sucking even harder the next season, the Bills then had Petermeme frozen in carbonite and traded to the Raiders, a.k.a. the Bills quarterback graveyard, where he now has to deal with Al "Zombie" Davis and Coach Chucky Gruden for all of eternity.

NFL fans now remember Petermeme as the "G.O.A.T." or "Defensive MVP" due to being legendarily bad, but it wasn't all bad for Bills fans either. The NFL eventually introduced the "Nathan Peterman rule" in which any quarterback who threw more than 10 interceptions in one quarter of a game would be "sent off to a nice little farm somewhere else." In addition, the Petermeme incident led to the Bills finally ending the playoff drought and allowed them to draft that Hurculean, shorts-wearing, rocket launching behemoth named Josh Allen as their quarterback. A true act of God.

Becoming the bitch of Kermit and Taylor Swift

With Josh Allen firmly entrenched as their new quarterback and God-emperor, the Buffalo Bills finally exorcised the evil spirit known as Tom Brady and became a powerhouse again, only to face a new evil spirit with the voice of Kermit the Frog, better known as Patrick Mahomes. Due to hilariously bad luck, more baffling decisions by McClappy, ref intervention, a certain overrated pop singer dating Mahomie's tight end, or some combination of it all, Buffalo is still unable to get past Mahomes and the Chiefs and now can't even make the big game to keep piling onto their league-leading Super Bowl losses.

Making the tough choice

When you make the playoffs 8 times in a row, but still don't make the Super Bowl, someone's getting fired.

Wait ... you fired the head coach who actually learned from his mistakes and overachieved with a crappy roster rather than the snake douchebag GM who got complacent and put together the crappy roster in the first place? The GM who couldn't take criticism? Of course Pegula would. The Bills are now set to endure another 17‑year playoff drought and become the Sabres of the NFL. Josh Allen is going to demand a trade to the Rams and then win a Super Bowl in LA, isn't he?

Notable Players

The "Good" era

Despite losing four Super Bowls and being a general dickhead until his son died, this guy was worshiped by Buffalonians during the "Good Era".

• Jim Kelly – QB
• Steve Asker – KR, who asked all the time
• Doug "The Fastest Quarterback the Bills ever signed" Flutie – QB
• Shawn Conlon – LB
• Nate Odomes – CB
• Andre Reed – WR, the best player on the team
• Don BeeBeeGun – WR
• O.J. Simpson – RB, arrested while playing in 1974.
• True Man Thomas – RB
• Jack Camp – QB, who camped alot
• Eric Molds – WR
• Bruce Smith – DE
• Scott Norwood – K, who messed up Superbowls by his lousy kicks
• Rob "Robo-Sacked" Johnson – terrible QB

The suck era

"Oh boy, I can't wait to dump off the ball for a five-yard loss despite being down by 20!"
— one of Buffalo's lousy "QBs" during the suck era

• Drew Bledsoe – Franchise QB, expiration date September 23, 2003. Any use of this QB after the date will result in extreme ass-sucking. Oh, wait ...
• J. P. Losman – Wait, he existed?
• <insert name here> – CB, that sucks doesn't it?
• Ryan Fitzmagic/Fitztragic – QB Conman
• Terrell Owens – Drama queen
• Why the fuck did he even play on this team? – QB
• Shady McCoy – RB, the only consistently good player who wasn't the punter
• Nathan "the Amazing" Peterman – QB Defensive MVP!
• Kelvin Benjamin – WR, 1 Popeye's biscuit away from being a lineman
• Richie Incognito – OG Insane asylum "secret weapon"

The McBean era

Yeet.

• Josh Allen – QB
• Josh Allen – RB
• Josh Allen – let's be real, the entire offense
• Stefon Diggs – WR-turned-diva-turned-Patriot-turned-chef-choker :(
• Tre White – Goalie. In his later years, he was forced to play cornerback and struggled
• Tremaine Edmunds – LB
• Matt Milano – Tackle monster
• Dion Dawkins – Abominable Shnowman
• Taron Johnson – Nickelback (It's an actual position in football, I swear!)
• Damar Hamlin – S, mascot
• James "let him" Cook – RB, used when Allen got too banged up