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Tuesday, November 5, 2024, 09:18 (UTC)
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BREAKING NEWS: UnNews:2024 U.S. election cancelled, anarchy inevitable
  HOLLYWOOD, California -- Dick and Liz aren't the only surprising names endorsing Kamala Harris for president. Legendary silver screen horror actors Lon Chaney Sr. and Jr. are the latest Chaneys to announce their endorsement.
"Donald Trump scares the daylights out of me," the famed Phantom of the Opera villain told UnNews exclusively. "Say what you will about Trump, but these J.D. Vance memes always have me howling," Chaney Jr. butted in.  We're just a few days away from the scariest night of the year - Election Day - and with the race being unpredictable to even the most powerful mystics, former President Barack Obama is reaching out to the Democratic Party's most reliable voting bloc: Dead people. In a campaign marketed as "Don't Boo, Vote!", Obama has lead the initiative to ensue every ghost, phantom, wraith, banshee, zombie, mummy, vampire, goblin, ghoul, demon, lich, and even a few animated skeletons are registered to vote.
Speaking on the steps of a mausoleum in a creepy abandoned cemetery to an audience of seemingly no one, Obama made the case for voting to the living impaired...
 Astronomers around the world are coming together to change the name of the star Betelgeuse, because every time someone says its name exactly three times, they somehow summon a chaotic ghost from the Netherworld.
The red supergiant, located in the Warner Brothers constellation and first discovered by Timothy Burton in 1603, has a dedicated fandom across the world due to the fact that it's expected to go supernova at any point. After which case, the nebula gasses with disperse, eventually coming together once again to form another brand new star years later, referred to in the scientific community as a "soft reboot". While officially designated as α Warnis, or Alpha Warnis, the star is popularly known as the less formal Betelgeuse. This has caused a lot of pain and torment, since apparently that's the name of a skeevy ghost who likes to fuck around with mortals. Sightings of the B-man have occurred everywhere from colleges to high school classrooms. Even in dorky planetariums where teenagers go to screw in the dark, the teens will sometimes find themselves getting a taste of a less savory BJ. The poster for the upcoming sequel to Saw X, currently entitled Saw XI, has changed again, this time to someday during September 2026. After delaying the poster's release in a year once, the poster's creators are facing serious creative blocks again. Fans are already rioting all around the world over this, claiming that it doesn't have to be so hard to come up with a decent combination of severed organs for the new poster.
As devout Kamala supporters, UnNews has decided to step right up and try to help the Saw creative team with the issue. Meanwhile, we're hoping that our poster suggestions will help Kamala among male American voters. Our first poster suggestion is pretty dumb, because we used AI's help for both the idea and the picture. So let's just get it out of the way quick. Bottom line, we couldn't understand a word of what Chat GPT was saying and we're not sure that we want to. But the poster came out pretty cool... LONDON, ENGLAND-- Following the death of Queen Elizabeth II 2 years ago, the infamous Spirit Halloween has moved into Buckingham Palace. The store is going to be the "biggest one yet" claims CEO Steven Silverstein. However, security guards reported the animatronics moving at night and trying to open the office door. Here is an interview with said nightguard.
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: Venus moves into your sign this week, which could mean a sudden influx of wealth. I know that sounds crazy, but bear in mind it's a whole fucking planet we're talking about here.
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