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Getting a car
In order to drive, you need a car (bet you opened this just to find that out!). There are plenty of abandoned cars on the streets or in the parking places. In some cases, the owner plans to use them again, but you can't be sure. So simply choose one that you like.
Parking Lot approach
For the parking lot approach, one must attempt to walk in a group. At least one (1) of your group should be wearing either old, smelly flip flops or be barefoot. Walk in the center of the parking lot aisle between the rows of cars to slow all approaching vehicles (from ahead or behind). When you have stopped, walk more slowly. If you are within 40 feet of your vehicle and do not have even a single car slowed, then you are walking much too fast. Turn around, walk back to the store, and try again.
For the driveway approach, one must have first chosen to drive the vehicle that is boxed in by the most cars. That is, if at least two (2) cars are not blocking you in, then use your cell phone and get some friends over quick. Good. Now that you are blocked in, move one of the cars out onto the front lawn. Park it so that it blocks part of the street for through traffic. Move the next vehicle out of the way by parking it directly across the street from the first. Also park it so that it blocks part of the street for through traffic. Only just enough room for a single line of subcompact cars should remain on the street. If anyone you have ever seen--even if just at the store while you were walking back to your car in the parking lot (see a. above)--approaches on the street, then leave a door open and go talk to them. Ignore any other traffic. It is crucial to ignore other traffic during the talking to people you have seen step. Later, if you still have to drive somewhere, you can pull your vehicle out of the driveway and park it in front of a neighbor's driveway. Find out which of the driver's whose cars were blocking yours is leaving first, so you can pull their car into the optimum boxed-in spot so they will be able to leave without having too large of a crowd.
Women: fumble in your purse looking for the keys. Do this even if you know exactly where they are. Mumble something (to make it convincing) like "I just know my keys are in here" or "Now where's did they go?"
Men: hold keys out in right arm in the "this is a phaser" approach from Star Trek. Push alarm deactivation button. Reactivate alarm. Deactivate again.
With door open, gently set yourself onto seat far enough that you can put the keys in and start the engine. Turn on the radio. Turn up volume. Turn volume higher.
...(if page is not scrolling automatically, volume not loud enough)
Keep radio at or near the upper limits of its ability. Some find it more tolerable to put speakers in the trunk as it can get rather noisy. Another technique to deal with the noise is to wear headwear over the ears, although it has not yet been finally determined whether the bandana style of this method (both Tupac Shakurstyle (with knot in front)and Billy Ray Cyrus (knot in back)).
Type of vehicle is important as well, but one must follow the cardinal rule: Factory is good, Conversion is better. Here are some simple applications of the cardinal rule:
- Tinted windows is good, spoiler is better.
- Factory paint is good, bright lime green (even if only on one side of vehicle) is better.
- Factory muffler is good, coffee can (or better yet trashcan) muffler which creates and distinct farting sound is better.
- Wheels are good, rims are better.
An alternate procedure is to get some new clothes from the fairies that helped Aurora in Sleeping Beauty, and make sure that either Goofy or Donald is in your party, depending on how you want to drive. Having a full drive gauge also helps Select "Drive," and select either Valor Form (Goofy and three filled drive gauge bars required), Wisdom Form (Donald and three filled drive gauge bars required), Master Form (two party members and four filled drive gauge bars required) or Final Form (two party members and five filled drive gauge bars required). If you mess up and go into Anti Form somehow, don't worry, this isn't your fault. Just wait until either you die or you stop driving.
A critical mistake of many drivers is forgetting the little things, such as routine oil checks, weekly enemas, and steering.
Drive bys are when you drive with one hand whilst occupying the other hand with a mac-11. You must:
- wind down your window
- wear some sort of mask
- slow down
- shoot your target for 2-4 seconds
- wind up your window and accelerate, the cops are gonna be up your ass for this.
Keeping ahead of other cars
Perhaps the most important aspect of driving is keeping ahead of other cars on the road, except for police vehicles. The exception has an exception. That is that it is important to keep ahead of them if they are not pulling you over. In summation, this rule is: a) keep ahead of everyone but police and b) keep ahead of police except when they are pulling you over.
The key to keeping ahead of other cars is lane changes. When the light turns green, it will not do for you to slowly accelerate. Hit the gas! You need to speed up to get in front of those two (2) cars in the right lane so you can turn into WalMart. If you do not speed up fast enough, you might hit them when you pull right (don't use turn signals because it may give them an edge). Speeding helps one avoid accidents, by driving faster.
Another key to keeping ahead of other cars is to swerve. Say that you are not in too much of a hurry, or your tires are out of alignment. Then, you can still keep ahead of other cars, by slowly drifting back and forth across more than one lane of traffic. Pretend you don't see the other cars. That's very important.
Or you can fool the other cars by making lots of turns. Should another car get "ahead" of you, then just make a u-turn. The beauty of u-turns is that not only can you do them anywhere, but you get yourself back into the lead! I can tell you that it is a thing of beauty to behold when you see a lime green Civic pull a double u-ey beating both the northbound and southbound traffic during rush hour. Timing is everything.
What Lanes Mean
Although they seem very complicated, it really is not that tough for a grizzled veteran.
Everything breaks down into smaller pieces as follows:
The Left Lane: On highways this is the lane you should be in when you need to make a phone call, are passing someone and the other lanes are all full, if you are over 72 years old, or your vehicle has pieces falling off. This last instance--pieces falling off--is why it is called the Left lane, as in left behind. Tailgating while in the left lane is mandatory in most states, Mars and in the middle of Bumfuck, Egypt but in most other states, nations and planets tailgating is not required but always a great idea.
The Center Lane: There is no reason to ever be in this lane. It is difficult to make u-turns from this lane. "Swervers" (those enacting the 'swerve' scheme described above) will never properly execute from this lane because it is too easy to get around them. If you accidentally find yourself in this lane, it is crucial that you make a phone call. Note that in american football, the "Center" gets to have the quarterback's hands put basically between his butt-cheeks. However, tailgating is encouraged (but not required unless going at 70 miles per hour) should you find yourself in the center lane.
The Right Lane: This is an excellent passing lane, especially on highways because traffic merging onto the highway is not going as fast, so you have extra time to pass. In many places, you can always turn right from this lane (even if the sign says "no right turn") because of the "Right Turn Rule" interpretation by the Supreme Court that says it is contrary to the Third Amendment to refuse to allow right turns on red. This is a good place to talk on the phone while passing other cars. Of course, tailgating is always required in the right lane in all nations, states (both Physical and mental), and other places.
Lanes not described above: The "Reference to the True Lane" rule applies.
For example, if you have four lanes, there is no "Center" lane. There is a right lane, a left-right lane, a right-left lane and a left lane. The left-right lane is next to the right lane, hence its name Left-right lane. As it is a Left lane using the reference rule, follow the rules of the road listed above for Left lanes. The right-left lane is next to the left lane, hence its name Right-left lane, so follow the right lane rules for that one.
Pay careful attention to the fuel gauge when it has moved from E(nough to get you where you need to go) to F(inished), you must add more. Accelerate to a maximum speed and stick your head out the window to determine which side the fuel cap is on. Attach a huge tandem trailer to your vehicle and maneuver it to obstruct as many pumping stations as possible. If the fuel pumps are covered make sure your trailer is tall enough to knock the roof down (as demonstrated in the video below.) Make sure the fuel cap is on the side opposite the pump you will be using for safety reasons. Leave your engine running for additional safety and exit your vehicle and search all over your person for your wallet and then having done so, take as much time as possible to remove your credit card. Insert the card into the reader on the pump multiple times with the strip facing every way possible except the correct way. This is necessary to calibrate the pump.
Correct way to enter a gas station.
Once the pump is calibrated insert the card correctly and lift the nozzle. Take half an hour trying to pull the nozzle around the car to reach the fuel hole. Shove the nozzle into the refueling hole on your vehicle and squeeze the lever. Pull out your cell phone and talk with your friend, once again, preferably loud enough so you can be heard by all the people waiting for you to finish fueling and get your trailer out of the fucking way of the 12 pumps you were instructed to block in the previous paragraph. Leave the pump and run into the convenience store for a coffee and a donut. Take your time selecting a coffee and donut and when it is your turn to pay take as long as possible to rummage through your purse or wallet for your money only to discover you've left it in your car. Upon retrieving these items return to the store and engage in a heated dispute with the cashier regarding the marked price of the donut verses the price she is charging you. Insist on speaking to the manager. If you bitch at him long and loud enough he'll probably give you a discount.
Upon return to your vehicle your vehicle the pump may have stopped pumping. This is not because that your tank is full, but rather because the manager is so pissed off at you he has remotely stopped the pump in hopes you will get the fuck out of there sooner. Pull the lever on the nozzle and hold it down to override this. Keep holding the lever down until there is petrol overflowing from the tank. Continue to hold it down until the huge mess on the pavement is of a great enough proportion to your satisfaction. At this point you may let go of the lever, but do not remove the nozzle from your vehicle as this will create a vacuum and cause you to lose some of your fuel. Reenter your vehicle and rev it a few times to condition the engine to the newly added fuel. Do a burnout until your tires pop to announce to the other occupants of the gas station of your departure. Release your parking brake and shoot out of the gas station.
Backing in, while completely unnecessary and a waste of time, is a cool way to impress your friends. Start by checking to see if anybody is coming from behind. If not, wait. It is important to block the road when backing in.
Once you have the road blocked, pull between the desired parking space and whatever is across from it. Shift into neutral and get out. Begin pushing your car backwards.
I think this is self-explanatory. Emergencies are when you need to get somewhere fast. The rule here is to honk your horn when another car is in your way. You will find yourself in an emergency whenever you are at a mall, if there is a car accident nearby, or if you are from South America. Please only honk in an emergency.
It is considered inappropriate to drive as quietly as possible and obey the road rules. Proper driving etiquette demands that you talk on a phone while driving, preferably so loudly everyone in the car next to you no longer needs to eavesdrop.
Other demands of driving etiquette are:
- Playing extremely loud music
- It is illegal to have music with heavy bass turned up extremely loud in some countries. If a police car starts chasing you, put a different song on and keep driving.
- Trying to eat 5 Big Macs and drink 1L of Coke while driving
- Not indicating when merging lanes
- Aiming for the smallest possible gap to cause the largest possible accident
- Screaming obscenities at drivers obeying the rules
- Mooning passing cars
- Taking off your shoes and socks and putting your barefeet up on the dashboard
It is also considered inappropriate to take the next exit if you miss your intended one. The correct procedure is to place the car in reverse and floor it (approx 150km/h) until you reach your exit. Slam your car into Park now if it is automatic. The satisfying crunch-whirr as your gears shear straight off the engine and the thud as your transfer box snaps in half and is driven through the floor means you have successfully completed this procedure. Slamming your car back into either 5th or Drive, you must then accelerate to the highest speed on your speedometer and cut everyone off as you nearly miss the exit again.
If you are in an accident, remember that it is always the other driver's fault, regardless of the situation. For example, if you have come off a drunken binge with a lorry and smashed straight into a parked Volvo, it is the Volvo driver's fault for cutting you off with their car.
If you are in an accident, this is the proper procedure:
- Wait for the airbag to deploy. If you do not have an airbag, go to the next step.
- Smash your head as hard as possible against the steering wheel.
- Get out of your car and slash the fuel lines.
- Get back into your car before the other driver sees you and before you lose consciousness.
- Push the cigarette lighter in.
- Take the hot lighter out, burn your own crotch by accident, then drop it in the petrol.
- Throw yourself 200 feet in a random direction when the petrol explodes.
- Take the bloody mass now called your body and mercifully expire on the other driver's car.
- Claim on the other driver's insurance.
- Remember to say "not at fault" when questioned about your involvement.
- Remember to say "guilty as hell" when questioned about the other driver.
- Provide an entirely false testimony at the Police Station.
- Have your car written off and use the money to buy a new car.
- If the person is not there and you hit them, remember to DRIVE LIKE HELL!! Due to evolution, humans stopped hearing car alarms in 1986.
- To make the other person seem at fault, during the "I'm real sorry 'bout this." speech quickly and swiftly slash your tyres with a box cutter then leave the knife in the other guy's car.
- Remember to exaggerate everything, Say "This jerk rammed me at 60 miles an hour/100 kilometers an hour while I just drive slowly."
- Be sneaky, but leave $50 in the cop car, this is not bribery!
- Whack car with sledge hammer on bumper and shove in another car(not who you hit but some other sucker. Works well at Home Depot) then say the other guy parked too far out
- If his window breaks, reach in the coin spot and take it all, Most people never know anything's even in there
- Pull out a fake ID card that identifies you as a member of the Police. Arrest the other driver for dangerous driving causing damage to property, dump him at the police station, and then run like hell.
- Do the above, but replace the fake ID card with a real ID card. Works even better if you are actually a member of the Police (WARNING: Do not try to do this if you are just in the band "The Police".).
At the office water cooler, blame all traffic on the roads themselves. It is rude to blame people as most of you are people yourselves and this will only come back to bite you. Use things like "the interstate had horrible traffic", or "it always is bumper to bumper". Or you can be creative such as, "I saw an SUV that was CRAZY, he pulled across three (3) lanes of traffic to do a U-TURN ON THE INTERSTATE THRU THE OFFICIAL USE ONLY TURN! He *could have* caused an accident!" This is not putting blame on the driver of the SUV, but on the SUV itself because they are so much fun to drive, it could not be the driver's fault the SUV decided to do such a crazy turn. Bonus points if you were the SUV driver. (**Although expressly not condoned, if the SUV caused an accident, only in a water cooler situation, it is permissible to say "could have" caused an accident.)