Hamish Blake
 Pommies may not understand funny stuff, only humour. Canucks and Yanks may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing and she'll be right, mate! |
“What happens in Melbourne, stays in Melbourne.”
Hamish "Boy Wonder" Blake is a famous Australian radio host and rumoured former lover of Rove McManus. Known primarily for his closet gay relationship with Andy Lee the duo often used the cover story of sharing a bigomous marriage to Italian mafia member and superhero Megan Gale, until she left the pair for Ant and Dec. Claims are made that Blake was born in the awesome city of Timaru, New Zealand where he began attending school. But all the other Kiwis mocked his strange accent - which was pretty shitty of them since they all had the same accent - and in a bid to secure any chance of having friends, Blake developed an Australian accent and a lisp. His parents Oscar Meyer and Cloris Leachman disowned him promptly, being the crazy New Zealand patriots that they are and Blake, taking the money he had earned from being a modestly priced call girl, rented a dinghy and rowed himself to the promising land of Australia, where he has lived ever since amongst the crocs and dingoes, mate.
Moving to Australia[edit | edit source]
Upon reaching the shiny red (blood red, even) shores of "NO SHARKS HERE" Australia, Blake was greeted by world renowned chef Gordon Ramsay, who proceeded to teach Blake many life lessons. Most of these included Ramsay dropping "F" bombs and smacking Blake over the head with a soup ladel. This in turn caused much emotional scarring and brain damage, which are, in the end, the only life lessons he needed to learn anyway. After an unsuccessful attempt at beginning a radio career at Triple J, an actually good radio station, Blake realised that his future lay in the 'hit' music stations used to mind control the masses.
Blake moved on and was adopted by a family of German nomads, all of whom were named either Klaus or Helmut. Yes, even the women. Blake enjoyed a relatively normal childhood given the circumstances, and was chosen over Klaus, Klaus, Helmut, Klaus and Helmut to be the heir of the families incredibly unsuccessful bratwurst factory. Blake turned down the opportunity so he could continue his education, and applied to the University of Melbourne.
Link to Toshihide Maskawa[edit | edit source]
Toshihide Maskawa (or Masukawa) is a successful Japanese physicist was born on February 7, 1940. He is most well known for his work on CP violation and CKM matrix. In 1962, Maskawa graduated from Nayago University whom awarded him a Ph.D in particle physics in 1967. Other awards and honours which he has received includes the Sakuri Prize (1985), the Japan Academy Prize (1985), the Asahi-Prize (1994), the Japan Order of Culture (2008) and the Nobel Prize in Physics (2008). There is no apparent link between Hamish Blake an Maskawa. To our knowledge, these two subjects have never met each other. However, it has come to our attention that they each share the letters 's', 'h' and 'i' in their Christian names.
Life In Australia[edit | edit source]
Meeting the Gang[edit | edit source]
- In a Benjamin Button-esque fashion, Blake's age began steadily decreasing over the years, settling comfortably at 26 in 1999. News of Blake's age-related phenomenon reached the ears of completely unknown scientist Andrew "Andy" Lee, who immediately packed up his plastic shopping bag, put on his aves and rode his camel all the way to Melbourne, where Blake was rumored to be living. Along with his crack team of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Dr. Lee eventually tracked down Blake in early 1996, where the tough age of 29 was beginning to take its toll on the closet Kiwi. After being accepted to the University of Melbourne, Blake had begun pursuing studies in Sheep Commerce, but only because he felt it would make his parents proud. Blake's true dream was to become a comedic radio personality that played the cello. Friends neglected to tell Blake that cellos greatly reduce the comedic value of everything, and so Blake followed his dream whilst also working towards his degree.
Lee, in an uncharacteristic act of philanthropy, took Blake under his literal and metaphorical wing, introducing him to Ryan Shelton, a corporate Maori lawyer who had just returned from Canada after traveling there to marry his lover of 12 years, Rove McManus. Shelton took to calling Blake "Boy Wonder", in reference to his decreasing age and also because Blake often wondered what being a boy would be like (or perhaps what it would be like to be with a boy - this has never been made clear).
The foursome decided to merge their mediocre comedic talents in order to form a SUPER COMIC, but this fell through when Rove was drafted into the Tasmanian army to fight for the crime-legalized nation in their war against Atlantis. The war turned out to be a good jumping off point for Rove's television career, where he would later be reunited with his husband and his prodigies Hamish Blake and Andy Lee, who would later become known simply as Hamish and Andy.
Rise to Semi-Fame[edit | edit source]
- After first completing a TV studio made entirely out of Lego for Rove and garnering some local media attention for that gem of an accomplishment, Hamish and Andy set up their radio broadcast station in a fully functioning Hungry Jack's (an "Australian" Burger King, or something). When they're not giving social commentary on the happenings of a fast-food establishment, Blake and Lee attempt to entertain "Australians" on their drives home from their picnics in the Nullarbor, their jobs at the kangaroo factory, or the pub. Mostly they invite "Australian" celebrities on to their show to talk about their "careers". The only really noteworthy segment of their show was the Friday installment in which Blake reads the comic strip "Fred Bassett" (and occasionally "Hagar the Horrible", just to be a dick). Lee obviously is turned on by this, but in his attempts to appear heterosexual, does everything in his power to stop Blake from reading the damn comic strip.
:Due to his sultry lisp, Blake has been approached by Danielle Steele and the ghost of V.C. Andrews to do Australian translations of their books-on-tape. These have gone on to sell surprisingly well, but this might just be because V.C. Andrews makes one fucking scary ghost, and she's probably scared shitloads of people into buying the things. With his newfound fame, Blake actually managed to get a girlfriend, a voluptuous Yank by the name of Bertha. Blake has no desire to ever propose to her, because marriage was often frowned upon by his adoptive German family, and besides, if you've seen Bertha, you'd know she's not the wife type.
Everybody dance now boom boom boom boom boom yeah yeah yeah dance!!!!
- Every so often, just to remind all the "Australians" that don't listen to the radio that they existed, Blake and Lee appeared on Rove's early evening talk show to talk about their hilarious escapades, such as spending the day in a kangaroo pouch together and building airplanes out of nothing but spit and tumbleweeds. The pair have now managed to accumulate a solid, albeit pathetic fan-base. Scientists were at first baffled by the popularity of Hamish and Andy, until learning that on a
male-bonding road tripbusiness trip to Perth, Blake, Lee and McManus had discovered the ARIA relic, an ancient Maori mind-control device which, when placed at the base of the mighty G'Day Mate Eucalyptus tree, can control the minds of all Australians with an IQ below 103.Where is the bellybutton train? As any respectable Aussie would, the duo brainwashed thousands of "Australians" into tolerating their show, which also includes making prank calls and trying to talk to American celebrities and their siblings.
Career[edit | edit source]
Radio[edit | edit source]
- Radio Karate - a program featuring Blake, Lee and Shelton as Olde-Thymey martial artists
- Welcome to Me! - a solo project by Blake, that alerted him to the fact he is hopeless without his
loverpartner Lee - Dog Knows Best - Blake has credited this short-lived venture with enabling him to read Fred Bassett on the air
- Hamish and Andy - this program is broadcast using the Aria relic during drive-time on the Today Network
Television[edit | edit source]
- Numerous appearances on "game" show Spicks and Specks. Nobody cares.
- Numerous, often rigged so as to mask the lack of comedic talent, appearances on Thank God You're Here. This is often followed by questions of "where's that other guy?"
- Australia's Brainiest Comedian. - Don't worry, I'm laughing too.
- Blake also writes a "Horny Guy" column for Australian mag "Koalapolitan".
