“Hee Hee. 'Pig-up'. ”
“No! let me down!”
“I'll believe this when pigs fly. Oh, shit...”
PgUp is a abreviated term used to refer to the ancient Egyptian ritual 'Pig Up'. In this sacred ritual, a virgin pig, often anointed with the blood of ten other virgin pigs, would float away to the heavens on a green balloon, where it was expected that the Gods Osiris and Isis would eat it for their Sunday Roast. This practice went on every single day when the the sand timers struck seven, until Egypt was overrun by the Romans, who discouraged the act - instead sending up as much wine as humanely possible, reasoning that if the gods were completely pissed they could no longer notice when the Romans did something naughty. Still, recent archeological evidence suggests a secret society carried on the illegal practice- finally stopping after the great 'Horseradish Massacre' of 304 AD.
History[edit | edit source]
Origins[edit | edit source]
The origins of this ritual are believed to have come from the much more ancient 'crocodile up' or crocup. This practice was disbanded , after all the other countries kept on mispronouncing the name and wetting their togas laughing. This and the famed 'Crocscape' where a crocodile dropped out of the sky and squashed Pharaoh Ramesesses The Flat, meant the high priests had to consult a different dish with the gods. After many tantrums from Isis and Odin, the gods went on a hunger strike. Two day later the priests won. The pig was selected partly- well mainly- because it would irritate Yahweh and all the other gods that were scared of pigs. The first pig was blessed 'Piggy the Eaten' by the Egyptians. The bones and the dirty dishes dropped out of the sky and landed on a small duck called Fred.
Banned[edit | edit source]
When the Romans Roamed over, they banned the practice for reasons outlined above. A campaign was started, the so called 'PgDn' movement headed by the insane Naughtius Maximus, to wipe out pgup in all its forms. A society- the 'PgUpUpUp' was greatly persecuted for its beliefs. Finally after many farmers, butchers and slaughter-house workers work, the pgupupup group sent up what it decided was the greatest roast ever. After the sacred blessing, everyone held their breath. Would it work?
Then a note fluttered down. As the priests read it out, the people all held their breath.
Their was much rejoicing. Parties were held and everyone was happy. However, soon after the priests realised their was a P.S.
“P.S. Wait a minute! Where in the underworld, is the horseradish! OSIRIS MAD!!”
There were no survivors, not even Osiris, who was found dead surrounded by broken cutlery.
New Age[edit | edit source]
Their is currently a New Age movement to revive the sacred practice. However due to new animal rights rules, the pig is no longer allowed to be alive, which according to many takes away all the fun. In recent times the only interesting thing happening was them tying to sue for copyright the guy who makes keyboards. This further turned into a counter-sue from Keyboards Inc. who argued as the high priests had never got any copyright for the name, they themselves were breaching copyright and not Keyboards Inc. Due to the humiliating loss and lack of money this sad, but once great ritual is defunct. Ramen