Alternatives

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“Okay, we get it, you're a loser, STOP ADVERTISING IT ALREADY.”

~ Me on Alternative music

“I see no other alternative, captain”

~ Spock on Alternative to gayness
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Alternative path, or "Detour"?

Alternative is a word that can be used for many a different meanings. However, this is the context in which I mean it... It is considered a category among the younger generation, an 'alternative' choice to goth or emo, without being 'normal' (a.k.a. the real people in the world, as being this would be unbearable as you would be looked upon by you fellow peers as boring, plus you might actually have a meaning in life. Terrible, isn't it?) Alternative kids are basically just emos who don't cut themselves or goths that don't listen to goth music. They just try to be cool (and fail miserably).

At the moment alternatives can only be found in the polluted and eery streets of the United Kingdom, their 'unique' fashion seems not to have spread across the channel (yet).

Alternatives Dress Sense[edit | edit source]

An alternative dress sense can range from bizarre, to emo, to plain boring. They often wear colors that go together as well as choclate sauce and mustard. Skinny jeans and 'cute' shoes are favoured amongst the female, whereas the males prefer a more adult 'vintage' sort of look. In fact, alternative males are quite rare and so not normally sighted. Alternatives love anything hand-made (a.k.a there couldn't possibly be anything like it anywhere ever) and thrive in second-hand shops. Not Oxfam or anything remotely charitable, but prefer small, vintage, second hand shops where they can buy their 'unique' clothing. Now back to the cute shoes. Cute shoes can range from anything such as converse (but of course with non-matching laces) to, your average Mary Jane shoes, until you realize they have a cat's face painted on the front. This, my friends, is, in the 'alternative' world, considered cool. Anything 'vintage' or 'old school' is considered worth worshipping.

Alternative Music[edit | edit source]

So, we've heard about the alty way of dressing, but what music is popular in an Alternatives life?

Answer: Nothing.

Anything that is described as popular in anyway is immediately dropped. Underground music is the basis of an alternative lifestyle. If less than five people you know have heard of them, that's great. Anymore and they are immediately labelled as 'non alternative'. You get bonus points if NO ONE you know has heard of your favourite band. Bands such as Slow Boy Running have based their entire career on this mentality. Basically, an Alternative's music taste is close to crap (the only difference is that you can't smell music, you can smell crap), probably because they are so caught up in making sure that their bands are so underground, they haven't realised that the band sounds like someone tripping over a trash can and Cilla Black with a sore throat, and THAT is why no one has heard of them, because most people hear them, and then cut off their own ears (making their fate much like that of Vincent Van Gough).

What in the Name of God is the Difference?[edit | edit source]

A question more commonly asked because these 'alties' sound so similar to scene kids. The difference is simply that the 'alternative' kids usually have a bit more sense than the 'scene kids' and 'emos' (and by a bit more I mean as tiny as the amount of brain cells in George Bush's head [and THAT is tiny]) Alternatives in general, moan about emos and their habit of 'self marring'. They detest Scene Kids and strive to despise their ways as much as possible (not realizing, that that is, basically, what they are) Ask a UK scene kid 'are you a scene kid?' and they'll reply (in their usual sarky tones) 'Yer, and what? Have you got a problem with that?' Whereas if you ask an alternative the same question you'll return with a mouthful of insults being hurled at your back. These insults will not be as obvious as 'Yo mammas so fat...' but more under the category of 'I'm so grown up and well educated that I'm going to question your intelligence'(However it is important to note that such verbal abuse will be given in response to anything you might do, say, or even think in their general direction). Whatever they say to you will be centered about their hatred of scene kids and emos, politics or literature. Basically, alternative kids can't wait to be at university where they'll actually look intelligent, instead of just pretending to be.

Alternative Kids Actually BUM Starbucks[edit | edit source]

You walk into a Starbucks and you will see alternative kids taking up every table, thinking that they are sophisticated because they are drinking the mocha-cardboard-latte special, with extra wood chippings. They will also typically be typing their latest manuscript on their new Apple MacBook. You will never EVER hear them just order, say, a coffee, or a hot chocolate. This would be too 'average' for them. In this world, there are some kids who may be considered "Alternative," however, they order hot chocolates and Vivannos at Starbucks because they are a special race called "Average-Alternative"

Conclusion[edit | edit source]

In conclusion, "Alternatives" are so busy looking at their painted-cat-face shoes and thinking about how awesome they are that they fail to realize the obvious: the most awesome alternative band is non existent, by adopting the label "Alternative" they are in effect saying that they're all being different together, and they strive to look so unique and/or outlandish that upon reaching their costume ideals (ideals that would put even the world's worst hippy grandmother to shame) they would likely resemble a badly dressed character from a "Doctor Who" episode. But hey, let's not be harsh. To be fair, the not-average (perish the thought that one might use the term "normal Alternative"!) alternative person has contributed about $20 to an equally unique and totally unheard of band, at least one scowl that has caused second degree burns and about three resentful cents to their local thrift store.

See Also[edit | edit source]

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