User:Martinultima

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The conveniently cheap userpage that nobody in their right minds should edit

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WASHINGTON DC - Over a week after the historic health care bill was passed, President Barack Obama gave his seven hundredth speech on health care reform today in front of the United States Congress. Addressing the nation in the most serious expression and tone, the President said:

"My fellow Americans: April Fools!"

This left a cold silence in the house, broken only by the President's own hysterical laughter. After calming down and catching his breath, President Obama explained the joke to the confused masses:

You're probably wondering what's so funny. I'll tell you what's funny: The health care bill! The entire thing. It's one big, fat joke!

Think about it: Forcing everyone to buy insurance in order to lower premium costs? That's preposterous! It completely defies the law of supply and demand! Just saying it out loud reveals it's absurdity! And let's not forget the new regulations on insurance companies and added taxation. You'd think I was actually trying to keep prices up! Rest assured, though, if by chance you won't be able to afford health insurance after these policies take effect, you'll still receive quality, free health care once you're thrown into prison!

Many out there are not worried about the economic details, but more concerned about the coverage they already have. You remember I said, "If you're satisfied with your insurance, you can keep it." Well, I want to make it completely clear once again: The government will do absolutely nothing to interfere with your current insurance policy. However, your cheapskate Scrooge of a boss has every right to dump your sorry behind on the government plan if he wants to save a few dollars! Of course, seniors want to know my solution to the upcoming Medicare deficit. In a nutshell, we're basically going to expand it to everyone!

Seriously, people, Fascism wasn't this back-asswards! Oh my God, if only you could see your faces America! (Full article...)

Recently featured:

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Featured today, a long long time ago
	Wheeling Jesuit University, featured on 4 April 2025: Featured version

Did you know...

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?

Archive – Suggest new entries

In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • UConn ladies' basketball season + Jordan's Furniture customers • ~~Jesus~~

Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP

On this day...

April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland)

1614 - Pocahontas sells life story to Disney for a handful of plastic beads
1640 - King Charles I of England disbands the Short Parliament because "Who cares what happens to short people?"
1945 - USSR deploys troops in Yugoslavia to act as security at TATU gig.
1955 - Winston Churchill gives up politics and goes into insurance.
1979 - Robin dies of Bat-AIDs, a grieving Batman later patents the first Bat-Condoms.
1992 - Several hundred thousand abortion rights demonstrators march on top of babies in Washington D.C.
2000 - Global warming is first linked to the phenomenon of climate change.

View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

Today's featured picture

Experts advise against chlorinating the jean pool, as it causes the dye to bleed, and acid-washed jeans haven't been cool since '86.

Image credit: RadicalX
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

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Recent Articles

Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Martinultima’s Scratchboard
In the same vein as Slate Industry in Wales: “Postage stamps of Ireland are the postage stamps issued by the postal authority of the independent Irish state.” – Captain Obvious on Wikipedia's featured article on August 14, 2007 Get Franklinstein here VFP-ready: And get Franklinstein here VFH-ready...
Add New Post	Edit Posts

My Latest Articles

Benjamin Franklinstein	PEE	VFH
Jolt Cola	PEE	-

Update Table

Complete Bibliography

8/3/2007	Benjamin Franklinstein – Norelco, you betrayed me! Time for plan B...
7/22/2007	Norelco (obviously this is a personal favorite now)
7/21/2007	UnNews:J.K. Rowling reveals title for Harry Potter 8! (been waiting to post this since 2005!) Not my best, but apparently VFH'd anyway. Kudos to User:Sonic80 for being my one supporter here. Note that that bit about Homer Simpson (and, well, that other thing) was not my idea, but oh well. Oh, and screw you, Michael Gerber.
7/4/2007	Benjamin Franklinstein
7/4/2007	Jolt Cola (rewrite) Includes Image:Benjamin Franklinstein.jpg
7/3/2007	Norelco – pee review, resubmit (philosophy + shaving? bad combination...) Also comes with Image:Mona Lisa Razor.jpg and Image:Occam's Razor in Action.jpg, yours free with paid order!
6/26/2007	The Human Element – waiting for pee review
6/19/2007	Image:American idols got talent.png. I hate that show.
2/15/2007	Geocities (I think this is where I put in {{:Me}})
2/10/2007	National Federation of the Blond (started, but needs a lot more blond jokes)
2/9/2007	UnNews:National Federation of the Blond: "Dye your hair, you're in danger!"
2/5/2007	Image:Thyspace.png (for Thyspace)
2/5/2007	Captain Omnipotent (section: Weaknesses + pic)
1/18/2007	Jolt Cola
1/16/2007	UnNews:Scientist experimenting on coffee arrested for blowing up universe
6/3/2006	Minimalist talk page
6/3/2006	Deep Note
3/4/2006	Geocities (really crappy original version)
1/9/2006	I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle (added line: ships and planes...with chips on plates)
11/30/2005	Celine Dionide
11/20/2005	Image:Palpatines guide to facial care.jpg
11/3/2005	UnPoetia:Norbert Percy Tangleknickers