User:Martinultima

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The conveniently cheap userpage that nobody in their right minds should edit

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Archaeology, or archæology (from Αρχαίος, nobody cares, and Λογος, the study of not caring) is the study of really really old stuff. Many people confuse archaeology with archeology due to the almost identical spelling and the fact that they mean the same thing. While seemingly pointless, archaeologists assert that we can learn lots of new things by looking at old things, despite the immediate logical impossibilities. Most archaeologists are full of theories with their "carbon dating" witchcraft. As Archaeology for Kids! host Bryan Williamson once said, "I mean, carbon atoms don't have sex, do they? Why should they date then if they can't do anything freaky with electrons in the privacy of a high speed collision chamber? Ok now I have got that off my chest, I will return to imagining how dead people once lived."

The first reported archaeologist was a king of Babylonia called Nabonidus in the 6th century B.C. He was so keen at preserving old buildings that he neglected to look after his country and was overthrown by Cyrus the Great of Persia. Modern historians, who are to archaeologists as strippers are to losers, know this to be true as Nabonidus's discarded monogrammed shorts and trowel were found embedded in ancient ruins that belonged to civilisations much older than his. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?

Archive – Suggest new entries

In the news

Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed

Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city?

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons

On this day...

Happiness is like a butterfly, you can't catch it so don't even bother trying.

March 18: World Happiness Day

51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected.
1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.

View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

Today's featured picture

To Determine the Motion of a Cat with a Slice of Buttered Toast Strapped to its Back: Let F_c be the attractive forces of each of the cat's feet to the carpeting (not shown), and let F_bt be the net rotational torque imposed by the carpeting upon the buttered side of the toast. By the 42nd proposition of Murphy's Laws, the system will begin to rotate in a counterclockwise fashion, causing the cat (C) to experience a large measure of confusion. The partially-melted butter (B), which is adhered to the toast (T) by comparatively weak Van der Waals forces, is overwhelmed by the large centrifugal fictional force, causing it to splatter all over the place (P). The spinning cat and toast (C+T), having thus divested itself of surplus butter, will then experience tidal drag within the Earth's gravitational field until such time as rotational equilibrium is restored.

Image credit: Xenonex
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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Martinultima’s Scratchboard
In the same vein as Slate Industry in Wales: “Postage stamps of Ireland are the postage stamps issued by the postal authority of the independent Irish state.” – Captain Obvious on Wikipedia's featured article on August 14, 2007 Get Franklinstein here VFP-ready: And get Franklinstein here VFH-ready...
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My Latest Articles

Benjamin Franklinstein	PEE	VFH
Jolt Cola	PEE	-

Update Table

Complete Bibliography

8/3/2007	Benjamin Franklinstein – Norelco, you betrayed me! Time for plan B...
7/22/2007	Norelco (obviously this is a personal favorite now)
7/21/2007	UnNews:J.K. Rowling reveals title for Harry Potter 8! (been waiting to post this since 2005!) Not my best, but apparently VFH'd anyway. Kudos to User:Sonic80 for being my one supporter here. Note that that bit about Homer Simpson (and, well, that other thing) was not my idea, but oh well. Oh, and screw you, Michael Gerber.
7/4/2007	Benjamin Franklinstein
7/4/2007	Jolt Cola (rewrite) Includes Image:Benjamin Franklinstein.jpg
7/3/2007	Norelco – pee review, resubmit (philosophy + shaving? bad combination...) Also comes with Image:Mona Lisa Razor.jpg and Image:Occam's Razor in Action.jpg, yours free with paid order!
6/26/2007	The Human Element – waiting for pee review
6/19/2007	Image:American idols got talent.png. I hate that show.
2/15/2007	Geocities (I think this is where I put in {{:Me}})
2/10/2007	National Federation of the Blond (started, but needs a lot more blond jokes)
2/9/2007	UnNews:National Federation of the Blond: "Dye your hair, you're in danger!"
2/5/2007	Image:Thyspace.png (for Thyspace)
2/5/2007	Captain Omnipotent (section: Weaknesses + pic)
1/18/2007	Jolt Cola
1/16/2007	UnNews:Scientist experimenting on coffee arrested for blowing up universe
6/3/2006	Minimalist talk page
6/3/2006	Deep Note
3/4/2006	Geocities (really crappy original version)
1/9/2006	I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle (added line: ships and planes...with chips on plates)
11/30/2005	Celine Dionide
11/20/2005	Image:Palpatines guide to facial care.jpg
11/3/2005	UnPoetia:Norbert Percy Tangleknickers