User:EMC/Kangaroo

The red kangaroo, or "Brian Hinton" or Animalia Chordata Mammalia Marsupialaia Diprotodontia Macaronia Phalangerida Macropodidae Macropus giganteus for short, is a HUGE MOUSE with powerful hind legs, sad little arms, a pocket, boxing gloves, and great sharp teeth.

Once a woman named Terri Irwin said that kangaroo means "I don't know what you're saying" in native Australian, but her husband died when stung by a stingray and then all of her credibility went down the toilet. Further findings proved that they actually came from Europe, as discussed below.

Kangaroos are often spotted in the wild having absolutely no idea where they are or how they got there.

Distribution

From its native Europe, the 'roo was inadvertently brought to Australia by stowing away on English sea vessels. Then, in a matter of weeks, they permanently displaced Australia's large population of native rabbits and aborigines by punching them silly and/or eating them. The remainder of the population was later wiped out by the plague which was introduced by fleas on the rats that were hiding in the kangaroos' pouches, male kangaroos also have pouches so no one can see when they wack off.

The 'roo soon went on to establish martial law over all of Australia, subjugating the continent to the rule of the despotic Captain Kangaroo and his control of the system of kangaroo courts which ruled the island.

However, recently another theory has emerged. A scientist/physisist nicknamed "Perky" has found evidence that kangaroos arrived on earth by traveling within meteorites (with A/C installed, of course). This theory may also explain the extinction of the dinosaurs. It also liked pizza and many people fed it pizza. One peasant gave it food poisoning and the kangaroo race never ate another slice of pizza again.

Yet another theory has lately emerged to challenge the above views. New evidence suggests that Kangaroos are in fact a hybrid of Tyrannosaurus Rex and the common rabbit. According to this latest theory, the extinction of the dinosaurs was a natural result of the Kangaroo's superior boxing and ninja jumping skills, versus the weak girlie punches of T Rex's tiny little baby fists.

Pugilistic Abilities

In the squared circle, the baby 'roo reigns supreme, having started in 1903 to take on and defeat by 1st round KO every single professional heavyweight boxer since, including Cassius Clay, Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, Pizza Pasta, and Mister Sandman.

In the world of Professional Wrestling, only one kangaroo has been known to make some small impact with the former Furry Wrestling Federation. The gimmick of "Sanita'roo" who was 'defender of all things clean' never really found the fan base and was listed as one of the worst gimmicks of all time. Later, the same 'roo would reshape his image as one of the most popular and beloved FWF wrestlers as "The 'Ruk" with his catchy phrase.. "If you smell what the 'Ruk is cookin'!" and move on to make blockbuster hollywood movies. It is long rumored that John Cena is a kangaroo. Just look at his face!

The Obvious Truth About Kangaroos

Kangaroos excel at longjumping, but have difficulties in knowing which direction to jump, as evident from this photography. In this particular alternate reality, Bob Beamon never got his 8,90 meter world record as he was intercepted by a particularly astray kangaroo in mid air.

The world was shocked on goo'day, mate april 2005 when Steve Irwin and matemate Terri "Crikey" Irwin revealed that the animal known as the Kangaroo is, in fact, a very clever hoax made up by the first colonists and the native aba.. aborr. abirrig.. Native folks of the continent of Austria^h^h^h^h^h^h^hAustralia. Well, what else would you expect from a couple of convicted criminals and bush people ?. After careful examination of this remarkable claim it revealed that all photos and films of this socalled kangaroo are indeed very sophisticated CGI renderings and photoshopped images. Nobody has, in fact, ever seen such a stupid creature. Most attempts at fooling the public in believing in such a freak'o'nature exists have not involved more then surgically modified anteaters ( who also do NOT exist, them being only beaten up dogs ).

Steve Irwin also said: And'on't ge'me stahted on them Walibis.

You can tell a friendly kangaroo by its ever lasting supply of oreos that they regularly feed to foxes. They will also make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk for guests. They have a knack for making many snack foods.

NOTE: One should never trust a kangaroo. It must be up to something bad because it keeps grinning all the time.

NOTE: As commented earlier, Terri Irwin has lost her credibility, along with this passage. Therefore you should never trust a kangaroo or Uncyclopidia. Too bad no one cares.

Pouch

The pouch developed through evolution to store men in search of narcotics. The cunning man, knowing of the kangaroos fondness for such substances, would hide within the pouch and spring out to intercept the kangaroos fix at the last possible moment. This would explain why the Indonesia government is going bankrupt from locking up innocent people on drug trafficking charges by using 'roos from Down Under in their airports.

also all Australians ride kangaroo's to school. they don't actually exist of course, however Australians are so tripped out all the time that the imagine ridding kangaroos and ride around screaming WOOOO!

During the recent recession, one priest from the Church of the Fonz surmised, "If God wanted man to have money, he'd have given man pockets. Kangaroos have pockets, so therefore our money belongs to them."

Tree Kangaroo

The tree kangaroo is the single most awesome type of kangaroo in the world. AKA the Kangarufus shmufus penis off the roofis" is known for looking like a cute kangaroo which has eaten one too many kinkies (kangaroo twinkies). It is a type of kangaroo that DOESN'T have boxing gloves for KOing people. Instead it has a disposable lighter attached to its butt for KILLing people. It is often cuddled by people such as the man below.

when in reality, the tree kangaroo is simply relieveing himself of too much gas from eating too many kinkies. The result from this is often too much for the normal human to bare. The tree kangaroo resides in the dense arboreal forests of Saudi Arabia where young aspiring tree kangaroo jockeys often meet their fate.

this often happens as a result. The only thing more dangerous than the Tree Kangaroo is the Killeroo (see below)

Killeroo (Killer Kangaroo)

"Where's mah money, where the hell is my moneys!"

The Killer Kangaroo (death-bringus maximus verybig-teethus), or a bear in disguise, lives in sewers and generally hunts ninja turtles, it's distinctive ability to climb walls and eat over 60 times its body mass in under 2 minutes makes it more dangerous than the infamous duck. The Killer Kangaroo has been thought to live on another planet but comes to Earth yearly (by jumping from moon to moon), to eat its yearly intake, it will eat vampires, humans, ducks, zombies and kittens. Those who generally try to find more out about it usually end up disemboweled or decapitated as per the ritual of hanging, drawing, and quartering. To avoid disembowelment and/or decapitation (because they will do both, even to bodies that have been dead for up to one week), you must scare them away by imitating the sound of their notoriously time wasting enemy, the owl. If you happen to be caught in a sewer, it wouldn't hurt to call out a few Hoos, because most scientists think it has such good hearing it can hear you from over 3000 light-years away.

Army intelligence thinks that the Killer Kangaroo stopped WW2 by eating Hitler and caught him in Castle Wolfenstein. It is also believed that The Wombles created killer kangaroos to tick people off, which has been recently proven, because your mother was just eaten.

This was not the last of the Killer Kangaroo. Killer Kangaroo won the downunder boxing championship, which was held against other kangaroos and other Australian mascots such as the emu, the wallaby, the platypus, the crocodile, the stingray and Steve Irwin. The semifinals saw the Killer Kangaroo smashing the crocodile while the stingray killed Steve Irwin as he decided to make a documentary at that moment rather than fight. The stingray was disqualified from the tournament for using its tail as a weapon which automatically resulted in the Killer Kangaroo being declared the winner. Confident and determined, the Killer Kangaroo challenged the boxing legend Mohammad Ali into a duel and forced him into retirement after knocking out Ali in just 2 rounds. Critics argue that the Kangaroo had a home turf advantage, as the match was held downunder in scorching heat and in the middle of nowhere, with a dingo as the referee. Ali, deeply disappointed with his loss, staged his final match. This huge win for the Australian icon, soon became a legendary story and is told by the native Australians at their midnight gatherings.

Then the Muslims then threw a massive riot, like the one held in Simi Valley, CA when Orange Juice Simpson was declared not guilty, and accidently hit the twin towers instead of the boxing ring. They call this 9/11, and the Germans deny it happened since Hitler brainwashed them so much..

Do not confuse Killer Kangaroos with Killer Swans. Killer Kangaroos can be so easily thwarted by Giant Clams at the bottom of the lake. Killer Kangaroos are also a lot more stupid than Killer Swans. They are related to the bear, which is known for being easily the second most evil animal on the planet (just ahead of the Hippopotamus. Right behind nothing. Roonstar comes in at 0th). At this point you may be thinking to yourself, "But Uncyclopedia! Owls ARE a waste of time!"... And they are...Killer Kangeroos can't tell the difference between a human and a rhino. They love hippies, so if you are a hippie, don't go looking for a Killer Kangaroo. They also have a special attraction to math teachers, they like how they say their numbers...It's a wonderful sight to see a math teacher getting eaten by a Killer Kangaroo...Especially if it is your math teacher.

Also, don't run around like a retart.

Criminal Kangaroos

It is not uncommon that kangaroos will hold people for money. They prefer British Pounds or American Dollars. Whatever you do, do not give a kangaroo Japanese Yen. Yen anger kangaroos to the point that they will rip your face off. Also, because it's Monopoly money.

In the cities, like Darwin, Canberra and Los Angeles, kangaroos control the drugs. Everyday, kangaroos sell heroin, PCP, and LSD to kindergarners. If you see a kangaroo in the city, it is recommended that you get on all fours and let a kangaroo rape you. By doing so, they generally leave you alone.

In a survey done by the RSPCA of Ausrtralia, it was revealed the Kangaroos are more likely to mug people and steal stuff if they drink 1/2 a litre of Cherry flavoured Coca-Cola. No-one is really sure, but we know that they are more likely to attack people after drinking Passion Fruit Rubicon, there's no proper scientific reason for this. They just hate the flavour

A Reminder

Always be aware of the Killer Kangaroo as it travels in packs and eats lots and lots. Always use caution and prey to god and robot Jesus everyday that the Killer Kangaroo will not come down today and kill you. Killer Kangaroo may also be known as the Ciellijer Cunkranoo. If you call it by it's alternate name, it will always run away, and devour it's family and its friends then it will come back and devour you. If you are approached by one of these ferocious man eating kangaroos play dead it or eat some pizza.

The Kangaroo Frog (Ganlaus erabolis) is the only bipedal amphibian and the only tree frog with a tail. Males are an average of 4.8cm tall while females are 7.1cm tall, on average. They inhabit plots of farmland from Shepparton, Bendigo to Mildura, Albury to Wodonga, Bundoora.

Origins

Of course, every scientist with any sense knows that Evolution is a myth. According to the origins model used by creation scientists, modern kangaroos, like all modern animals, originated in the Middle East and are the descendants of the two founding members of the modern kangaroo baramin that were taken aboard Noah's Ark prior to the Great Flood. It has not yet been determined by baraminologists whether kangaroos form a holobaramin with the wallaby, tree kangaroo, wallaroo, pademelon and quokka, or if all these species are in fact apobaraminic or polybaraminic.

Also according to creation science, after the Flood, kangaroos bred from the Ark passengers migrated to Australia. There is debate whether this migration happened over land -- as Australia was still for a time connected to the Middle East before the supercontinent of Pangaea broke apart -- or if they rafted on mats of vegetation torn up by the receding flood waters.

Naturally, God vapourised all the kangaroo carcasses which died during this migration to Djibouti in order to avoid tainting the fossil record with actual evidence (see missing link).

Diet

Farmers higly value kangaroos for their eating habits. Kangaroos eat such pests as crickets and moths and T-Rexes

A typical kangaroo when nobody's watching.

In the winters when the food gets scarce the kangaroos travel to New Zealand and eat all their Kiwi Birds. Also, in the distant past they ate pizza.

Reproduction

There have been studies to prove that kangaroos or asexual, but all of those studies have failed. New studies prove that Kangaroos tend to usually mate at around 2 years old. They begin with a good ol' fashioned doggy style and then progress to missionary.

See also

• Flying Kangaroo
• Skippy the Kangaroo
• Kangaroo court

  AustraliaSo where the bloody hell are you?