Baraminology is the branch of scientific biology which is concerned with the identifying, cataloging, indexing, and systematic wikifying of all the wonderful kinds of animals which were poofed into existence (c 4004 BCE).
Basics of baraminology
Baraminology begins by examining the names of each known animal, plant, or fungus, and rigorously analyzing them using the well-thought-out technique of irreducible complexity. For example, the "dog", consisting of a mere three letters, constitutes a baramin known as the dog kind, because if you remove any one of the letters, you get either "do", "dg", or "og", all of which are palpable nonsense.
On the other hand, the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, according to the following five-step baraminological reduction pathway:
Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus Pacific No-thwest Tree O-topus P-cific No-t-west Tre- O-top-s P-cif-c No-t-wes- Tre- --top-- --ci--- No---we-- -re- ---o--- --c---- -o---w--- ---- -------
is not only reducibly complex, but is also clearly a variety of cow, which places it squarely within the cow kind.
From these basic examples, it follows that if the name of any biological life form is only three (3) letters long, it constitutes irreducibly complex proof that that particular biological life form is a bona fidé created kind, into which all the other living and/or extinct organisms may be conveniently sorted after reducing (and never increasing) their information content.
Potential shortcomings of the model
Four or more letters in the name of an organism (such as "tree", "horse", or "antidisestablishmentarianist") occasionally present a serious challenge to the fledgling inexperienced baraminologist, because sometimes such a name defies all reasonable attempts at complexity reduction to a shorter name. These oddball cases are provisionally classified as "polybaramins" because they appear to have far too many letters for their own good, and thus are subsequently ignored until such time as they go away.
One would also assume that fox kind would be a baramin, however, it can be reduced to ox, the true baramin of foxes.
Predictions of the Theory of Baraminology (ToB)
Baraminologists predict that, according to this model, the number of positively identified created kinds will not exceed 17,576 for three reasons:
- There are only 17,576 possible three-letter words in the English language.
- It is physically impossible to cram more than 17,576 created kinds on an ark without rendering it unseaworthy.
- Baraminologists are just too damn lazy.
Other scientific techniques which may be brought to bear on the problem
Many other scientific techniques may be brought to bear on the problem, such as applying the basic principles of the Tree of Knowledge to filter out false positives caused by synonyms, homonyms, inadvertent missspelinggns (sic), and outright equivocations.
Comprehensive listing of all positively-identified baramins (as of 2019)
- Dog kind (dogs, dogfish, dodongos, etc,)
- Cat kind (cats, catfish, cattle, cantaloupe, etc.)
- Ape kind (apes, grapes, apéritifs, etc.)
- Man kind
- Ass kind (asses, basses, Mama Cass, etc.)
- Bat kind
- Rat kind (rats, brats, rattlesnakes, etc.)
- Cow kind (cows, Pacific Northwest Tree Octopi, etc.)
- Pig kind
- Ant kind
- Tit kind
- Bee kind
- Yak kind
- Fox kind
- Bug kind
- Tee kind (trees)
- Dr Barry Setterfield (Phd., BA., MBA., MBTA., AAA., NAACP), "Relativistic Effects on the Mating Habits of Canis lupus", Scientifical American, Nov 1993, pp 201-397
- Dr Duane Gish (Phd., BA., MBA., MBTA., AAA., NAACP), "My Remote Ancestors Ain't Fishes, Dammit!", Reader's Digest, Apr 1987, p 13
- Dr Michael Behe (Phd., BA., MBA., MBTA., AAA., NAACP), "The Herediary Uncleansliness of Yaks", Home Journal of Baraminology, Oct 2003, pp 137-49
- Recently unearthed textual evidence suggests that foxes, poxes, boxes, and fillet of salmon may, in fact, be infrabaramins of the Ox kind.