Protected page

People with distinguished names

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Name)
Jump to navigation Jump to search

This is a Grand List of People with the Most Distinguished Names.

Your distinguished name is Lord Voldemort.



Dick Assman

Harry Dick Randy Highman Assman Junior (commonly referred to as Dick Assman) is a man born in Ohio in 1994. He was sentenced to life in prison for rape and murder at the age of 14.

Phil Atio

(Not to be confused with his Klingon counterpart: Phil Latio)

Born into poverty at age 100 in the small town of America Atio (aka: Dick face) defeated The Odds at Wrestlemania XII, thus becoming a household name. With his millions, he created Judaism, along with co-founders, Heinrich Himmler and Damon Wayans. Despite his numerous good deeds, Atio fell into a life of drugs and crime at the hands of his own mother, the notoriously violent leader of the murderous "We Hurt Puppies and Kittens" gang that wreaked havoc on the streets of Tel Aviv and Detroit during the Dark Ages: Prince Charles. Sadly, Atio died in a horriffic accident at the pole vault portion of the 1913 Special Olympics; he was struck by a 1999 Chevy Impala and died on impact.

Bessy Ality

Born on March 28, 1941 in Sussex, England. Bessy was an animal rights activist and lover of animals. Bessy saved sloths all over the world with Bessy's "Bessy Ality is the way to go" campaign which gained many PETA (group) supporters for some odd reason. Bessy "accidentally" fell out a window and landed on bullets on January 25, 2000, tragically she died of cancer. Her campaign, "Bessy Ality is the way to go" is still running with over 9,000! members today.


Chris P. Bacon

One of the the main promoters of the three names theory of pig. Because of this mans achievements modern man can distinguish between otherwise similar meat small goods. Bacon, Pork and Ham.

Ana L. Beads

(Born September 6th 1961) Ana Lacey Beads. Matriarch of the prestigious Mari Gras necklace company, Ana L's Beads. With a name like hers, she was destined to make colorful beads meant for nothing more than one simply wearing it around their neck and nothing else at all.

Harry Ballzanya

Anita Bang

Peggy Banks

Master Bating

Master John Bating is a don at Oxford University, in Oxford, England where he is famous for his groinbreaking work in philosophy. His seminal tract "Love Comes in Spurts" is a minor classic, and older copies, espeically those with the pages stuck together, now fetch millions.

A famous hedonist, Master Bating has published several papers in prestigious journals. Known to his friends as Jack, Master Bating has been criticized by some of his fellow Oxford faculty for taking too many vacations. "'Jack's off,' I'm always having to tell them, says his officemate Master Heywood Jablome. But Master Bating's colleague and friend", Master E. Jack Ulates describes him as "amusing". "Master Bating never fails to cheer me up when I'm having a bad day," Master Ulates has said. Oxford students concur: "We all love Master Bating," says philosophy major Ima Virgin.

Senator Theodore Peracliatus Beard

Son of Sir Harold Holtsworthy Beard, inventor of the beard.

Justin Beeber

The African American version (clone) of Justin Bieber, whom he is often mistaken as.

Justine Bieber

The even more female alter ego version of the so-called popular teen idol Justin Bieber (often mispelt as Justin Beiber. She always spells her name wrong for some reason. But nobody cares.

Ophelia Bush

Dick Butkus

Dick Butkus is neither a Football coach nor a old wrinkley man, he is in fact a dick that was created by John Madden to kiss Jerry Porters butt! He is also an identical twin (or maybe a clone) of Mike Ditka.

Harry Butz

Harold Butz, Jr. was born on a Summer's Eve in Marion Ohio to Harold Butz, Sr., and his wife Anita Butz. For some reason his father wished upon him the same name as his, and thus Harry Butz was hence known as the Little Harry Butz, and his father as BIG Harry Butz. The family name was shortened at Ellis island from the original Polish spelling of Butinski. Their family motto is "if something smells, it's usually the Butz."

Seymour Butz


Popper Cherry

Al Coholic

Courteney Cox

Osborne Cox

Osborne Cox is an angry CIA mother fucker with little or no value to anyone, including himself. His absent mindedness less to the death of countless other morons in a hilarious fashion.

Fae Cox

Fae Cox grew up in south-northern Las Vegas. Her Parents worked in a dildo factory. She eventually took up the family job and now has 69 patents for different dildos.

Dewey Cox

see Faggot

Ronny Cox

You can help Uncyclopedia by writing a section about this person with a distinguished name!

Seymour Cox

Seymour Cox is a resident of New Waterford, Nova Scotia and owns Shopper's Drug Mart on Electrician Avenue. His business experienced a boom during last February's Glory Hole Classic.

Bea Cox-Hucker

Bea Cox-Hucker (nee Cox) married the Indian batsman Watuuf Hucker in May 1987, and they hyphenated at that point. Bea devoted the rest of her life to the study of the wildlife of the southern alps and discovered the birds now named for her, the Cox-Hucker Swallows (Hirondum spermagluggin).

Hard to lick, the Cox-Hucker name lives on in the form of 3 little Cox-Huckers born in 1989, 1990 and 1753 respectively.

Thomas Crapper

The annual vigil celebrating Thomas Crapper's birthday is often attended by upwards of 100,000 toilets.

As Vice-President of the United States, Sir Thomas Crapper was always looking out for number two. He was a stalwart fighter for the issues that most concerned his constituency, the so-called Toilet Bowl of America. In honour of his great accomplishments, the John was named after him, even though he wasn't called John.

He is much less famous for his many useful inventions, although it can be easily argued that it was as an inventor that he had his greatest impact on American life. Amongst his many inventions:


Andy Dick

“There's a place in hell for Andy Dick.”


“That's my drag name!! ”

 Oscar Wilde


aka Andrew Cockermann (born December 21, 1965), is a homosexual penis that has made its name as a stunt penis on such shows as Newsradio and Less Than Perfect. Andy Dick is really an alien from a planet whose name can't be pronounced. It's known that Andy Dick has eight nipples. Dick is currently being held by the American Broadcasting Corporation.

Endy Dick happened, soon as that guy goes anywhere it gets a worse rap then John Wilks-booth.

Its sexual orientation has been regularly debated in gossip circles. On Entertainment Tonight, Dick claimed to be tri-sexual, having "lived most of its life in the Tri-State Area."

On a seemingly normal music award show night, Dick was introduced to its only known blood non-extraterrestrial relative, Deborah Cox, proprietor of the Peppermint Hippo.

Got knocked the fuck out by Jon Lovitz for reintroducing Phil Hartman's wife to cocaine, which resulted in her murdering Phil Hartman. Dick made a joke, and Lovitz proceeded to grab his head and bash it into the bar until blood was pouring from his nose. He deserved it, the cock.

Dick was last seen on the MTV show The Assistant, which was a parody of a more serious and entertaining show featuring Donald Trump and a cast of boot-licking toadies.

In July 2008, Dick was arrested again for huffing a kitten in the park.

In June 2009, Dick was arrested by police for being in shit with the cartel.

Anita Dick

Swing era singer Anita Cox fronted for many a band leader during the 1930s and 1940's with such its as I Need a Good Man Real Bad and A Hard Man is Good To Find. In 1950, she abandoned her career to lead a life of chastity in Catholic Church as Sister Anita Goodhead in the Dominican order of St. Fellatrix.

Phillip K. Dick

Phillip Kindle Dick was the alter ego of Robert Heinlein from a parallel universe where the Axis powers won World War II, and a 1947 nuclear attack on San Francisco spawned a mutant race of super-hippies who took over the world in 1980. Dick found a portal to our universe and realized he could make money here writing about things that were mundane in his own world.

His best known works are the short stories “We’ll Remember, but Only If You Pay Retail”, and “Yo! Yo! Yo! This Be the Minority Report!” and the novels The Man Who Was High in His Castle, The Three Stooges Meet the Man on the Moon, Does Han Solo Dream of a Female C-3PO? , Ubik’s Cube, "Wah, I’m Sad," Said The Policeman, and Does Han Solo Dream of a Female C-3PO?, Part II, Electric Boogaloo. A common theme in all of his work was his unquestioning obedience to all authority. His works inspired the Police Academy movie series and countless antidrug commercials.

He disappeared in 1982. He is believed to have gone to yet another universe to reconnect with his sister – the former Charlotte Jane Dick, now wife of Charles Richard Run, a champion race dog breeder.

Ben Dover

Ben Dover is a steamboat operator and part-time trombone player hailing from Cleveland, Ohio. He currently collects disability payments from the state, owing to a rare form of arthritis that often causes him great difficulty in walking and sitting down, particularly after prolonged periods in bed. Mr. Dover is one of the world's leading collectors of postage stamps, riding crops and vintage leather bustiers.

Steam-boating is something that Ben was introduced to fairly late in his teens. Having an adventurous spirit lead Ben to participating in certain of life's excesses. Too much of a good thing could have lead to the anti-immune deficiency response in the form of Arthritis. Suffering from his life changing ailment, and due to his prone position he was not able to participate in any form of sexual intercourse. A life changing experience was achieved when he was introduced to a Rheumatologist Phil McKrackin. After rearing a hostel of young men, Phil was able to apply his experience to Ben and relieve some of the frustration caused by the debilitating disease. Lubricating the joints usually results in significant relief to an arthritis sufferer and after an initial trial period Ben Dover and Phil McKrakin have worked closely to explore other methods of lubricating and easing tight and unresponsive joints.

Den Dover

Den Dover is an MEP in the North West of England. No really! It's true! Someone actually called their child that!

Eileen Dover

Eileen Dover (sister of Ben Dover) did as her name suggests, and invented the microphone. Named after the birthday girl in WordGirl.


Mister Face

A man who's first name is a mystery. He is responsible for the mess on your girlfriend's carpet.

Ijaz Fahted

Prespytarian minister of the Guff Creek chapel In Breaking Winds, Montana.

Howie Felterpuss

Howard "Howie" Felterpuss (D, Kentuckistan) is a Former US Senator. Born in 1776, Howard gained interest in politics at an early age. Upon watching a speech by fellow Democrat Hillary Clinton, he was quoted as saying "I just love her positions! I can't get enough of her tight wording!" He was well known for having over 90 Mistresses, including Marie Antoinette of Austria. When the public got wind of his promiscuity, they promptly re-elected him for 2 consecutive terms. Eventually, Senator Felterpuss resigned amidst humiliating accusations of knocking up Katie Holmes, Monica Lewinsky, and Your Mom. He defended is actions by saying "I never meant any harm to these women. my only interest was in their pants. I mean, in filling a void in their lives!" Mr. Felterpuss is currently Undead, and living Happily with his Adopted Son, Ben Dover.

Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster

Owner of the most badass name known to man. He frequently loans badassness in charitable donations. He is currently fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan and beat Osama bin Laden in a boxing match. The action figure will arrive in 2011.

Wilma Fingerdoo

Wilma Flintstone's Maiden Name.

Danny Fishcharge

Daniel 'Danny' Fishcharge gained infamy in 1973, after becoming the first adult ever to contract Playground Lurgy. The illness, which is usually passed from child to child during games of "Tig" (aka "It", "Dobby", etc), left Danny with a permanent Spoonerism of the Moniker, a slimy appearance and a pungent, kippery aroma. Despite these problems, Fishcharge has always been remarkably popular with the ladies - allegedly getting into the knickers (panties) of almost all of the women in the world.

Andy Fitzwell

Andy Fitzwell was a famed drunkard from Scotland in the late 1800s. He was a petty thief on the weekends, and on many occasions police had to remove his fist from woman's purses. Until 1869, he openly roamed the streets. Then in the fall of that year, he was finally put into jail. Accordingly, he was accused of helping Hugh G. Rection fit into a small opening to escape from his allegedly crazy aunt. He remained in prison until 1878, when Mike Hunt killed him with a type of horrid nerve gas.

I. P. Freeley

Irvine Petrov Freeley is an American freestyle swing dancer, communist sympathizer, and inventor of American beer. I. P. Freeley has contributed greatly to recent American history.

Born in 1952, Freeley was raised as a good Catholic boy, and briefly as a naughty Wiccan girl. Experts say his childhood experiences lead to his gender confusion later in life, when he was crowned both "Dairy Queen of Norwalk County" and "Prom King of Bovine University" in the same year. Some believe Freeley is actually Paris Hilton.

Freeley is perhaps best known as the author of the 1971 best-selling book The Yellow River, although he was also the founder of the Colonist party.

Ivana Fukalot

Born in Russia. Tight pussy... nice ass! Online live on her webcam at a website located in an unknown country.

Easton Fection

(October 4, 1898 - September 23rd 1971) Easton is one of the largest corprate giants today who made the yummy and delicious bread, Easton Fection Bread! Made from pure Easton Fection yeast! Tragically he died when he fell into a bread maker, putting tons of Easton Fection into the bread.


Mike Hawk

Sir Baron Michael Pemblebrook Wimbleton Hawk, OBE, was King of the Independent Socialist Republic of North Rhine-Westphalia from 69-1337 AD.

Dick Hertz

Richard Offen Hertz (born 11 November 1949), is the disputed heir to the Hertz Rental Car empire and one time member of the Board of Directors. Dick's career veered off course into the fast lane of freelance journalism.

Driven by a life long dream to write—if not by the constant sniggering from fellow Board Members, secretaries, and even strangers in the waiting room whenever his name was even mentioned—Dick found an open space at The San Francisco Chronicle. There, his nimble handling of assignments from day to day excursions to emergency maneuvers, put him on the fast track to success, eventually earning him the much vied-for pole position: a daily advice column to the lovelorn.

Regrettably, he turned down a darker path, using his new position to meet many a lonely reader—often in parking lots and back alleys. The remarkable variety of social diseases which he contracted are the stuff of journalistic legend, which he wisely chose to share with others by way of his 1996 autobiography "Ouch".

He has been quoted in such prestigious articles as Lobe, Stench, and To Be Announced

Chase Hiscock

Had strong hopes and dreams but was ultimately beaten to death with a tire iron and thrown into a ditch by the Coaliation Of Cool Klansmen or COCK.

Seymour Hiney

Had a big hiney, and wanted people to see more of it then most people wanted.

Jack Hoffman

Jackson (King) James Hoffman is a famed recording artist and CEO of Hairy Hand Records. He was born to Philip Seymour (Butts) Hoffman on December 19, 1965, in Jerking, Wyoming. He has started the careers of such artists as Ned "Need a Tissue" Bangner and Lawrence "Money Shot" King. He also had many hits himself, such as "Stroke it Slowly" and "Insert Random Masturbation Joke Here". UPADATE Jack Hoff was killed in a horrible shooting at his home in Jizzhole, California. He leaves behind his wife, Clary Boyd, and his two girls, Fleshlite and Cockface (ok, I'm not even trying to hide that one)

Ima Hogg

"Ima Hogg, philanthropist and patron of the arts was born in Mineola, Texas, on July 10, 1882... Ima was named for the heroine of a Civil War poem written by her uncle Thomas Elisha and was affectionately known as Miss Ima for most of her long life. She was eight years old when her father was elected governor; she spent much of her early life in Austin." [1]

Hoo Pflung Poo

Godfather to Ho Chi Min and second cousin by marriage to LaChoy Chow Mein, Poo was was always "runny here and runny over here, too." When Min had had it up to his neck with Poo he had him sent to a re-potty training class where he died; his name was wiped from Vietnamese history books, but his tell-tale scent hangs low over modern Saigon.

Related figures: Winnie the Pooh, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo

Amanda Huggenkis

Amanda Gropen Huggenkis is a shop assistant in New York. She is currently with the K-Mart string of supermarkets, and works 2-10 5 days a week. She is confirmed bisexual, and is known for her bisexual threesomes.

Mike Hunt

Mike Hunt, Catsup Baron and HMRFRA honoree

Michael Kenneth Hunt was a British artillery officer in World War I. He served honorably, earning Her Majesty's Royal Flying Rat's Ass for valor and hygiene.

While in the service, he invented Catsup. It became the foundation of the Hunt's Catsup Company, which he founded with his brother, Hercules Hunt, often called "Herc" by his closest friends. His famous dispute with William Heinz led to the landmark court case, Ketchup v. Catsup. (Later Hunt and Heinz put their differences aside to take on their common rival, French mustard magnate Grey Poupon).

After leaving the Army, Mike Hunt went on to become internationally famous for his sexual orientation skills. A famous sportswriter of the day noted, "if there's a G-spot in the bush, Mike Hunt has it."

In 1969, Mike Hunt was re-united with his long lost half-brother I.C. York-Hunt.


Ustrokeet Islewatch

Ustrokeet Islewatch (Jan 21, 1904 - Feb 30 1998)Inadvertently discovered the formula for jet fuel when Lowe's refused to sell him tarnish at a bulk discount price


Heywood Jablome

Cousin of Jack Meehov.

Ivan Jagginoff

He grew up on the harsh streets of Eaten, NY and has slowly overcome his illness of knowledge. He has worked on the Manhattan Project as a janitor and has remained single for the majority of his life, mostly due to the fact that that those who he dates run away at the mention of his name.

Hugh Jass

Hugh Perrin Jass, born October 25th, 1971, is well known as the drummer of the hit metal band Watership of a Down. He never completed secondary school...... or puberty.

Hugh Jaynus

Relative of Hugh Jass. Noted for his seminal research into Leaf blowers.


William Kunstler

A well-known American civil rights lawyer, Kunstler lobbied hard for the deportation of racists, fascists, apologists and Poles to Australia where, he reasoned, they have no right to be fussy who they accept, being all descended from criminals.

Kunstler was raised in New York by Porn magnate Hugh Hefner on his famous Playboy Mansion "The Pussy Palace" and was once mistaken for a bunny girl and shot by Dick Cheney.

Kyle Mo Lester

A child advocate and well known hater of pedophiles. He believes children are the future.


Phil Latio

Main article: Phil Latio

Philip Ulysses Latio was born in London in 1952. He is most widely known for the success of his band Who Love Cheesy Poos.

Hung Lo

Shanda Lear

Shanda Lear (born April 9, 1962) is the illegitimate daughter of hardware store mogul Seelin Phan and country singer Crystal Shandha Lear.

Shanda is a journalist of some notoriety, having published a number of freelance music reviews in major publications, including Rolling Stone, Ladies Home Journal and Swank. This is fortunate, as she can't sing a decent note out of any of her major orifices, and thinks that the difference between between a 5 penny nail (5d) and a 10 penny nail (10d) is 5 cents.

Ms. Lear is often found hanging around the foyer of the swankiest hotels, in the hope of stumbling onto a story about the rich and famous. It was utilising this method that she first broke the news about the Britney Spears/Kids from Fame affair.

Fun Fact: Her review of the final album by concept-band Lobe is credited with lobotomizing their career.

She has been quoted in such prestigious articles as, Lobe, Stench, To Be Announced, and Wildeboys.

Connie Lingus

Skilled in art magazines and an avid lesbian, this woman of the early 20's found prominence in licking her adversaries and making feminine rights a priority in her career. She would pass on her knowledge to many, in the hopes to spread the awareness of disease ridden poon.

Mike Litteris

President of Greece. He married Jessica York who is now known as Jessica York-Litteris.

Hugh Lovett-Upyuraz

A famous impostor of the 1920's, Lovett-Upyuraz convinced the very top levels of society that he was:

  • The Shah of Iran
  • Albert Einstein
  • Brian Epstein
  • A Mongol horde
  • Himself
  • Someone else pretending to be himself
  • Another great impostor pretending to be Harry Houdini
  • A stick insect


Phyllis McCracken

The female half of a famous musical hall duo with partner Ben Dover. Ben Dover and Phyllis McCracken became the Dave Smith and Jane Brown of their day, and played to audiences well into the double figures all over the North East of Poland.

Uliqa M'diq

A known terrorist with links to Al-Qaeda. Also known as Uwana M'Diq and Usuqa M'Diq.

Jack Meehov

Jack Meehov was a famous politician involved in the charge of the light brigade in 1284. He was well known for his sharp wit and keen hand action. He never left his office without a box of tissues.

Jack Mehogof

Jack Mehogof was last seen wandering the halls of Montezuma looking for Phyllis McCracken and Ben Dover both of whom made him stand up and spout like a tea kettle. Was famous for his bi-directional bend.

Phil Mianus

Phil Mianus and his half-brother, Finn Gurr-Mianus, were the inventors of Uphill Gardening. Famed for puddle-jumping, batting for the other team in the Rider's Cup and being good with colours, the brothers grim legacy continues to this day in gardens across the world; women are still not permitted to partake in uphill gardening.

See Mihn

Jack Meehov's cousin who is normally with him. Since he is hard of hearing and a bit lonely when you call Jack Meehov he shows up also.

Kash Muni

Kash Muni is the famous president of India, and therefore many chicks throw themselves at him. Despite his lavish name, he is dirt poor like his fellow countrymen.

Holden McGroin

Paul Mycock

Born in Reading, England in 1984, this chap has a brother called Phil and they live in the town of Newark in England.

Cari Mysak

Only female in the world who has testicles. She is also well known for nude singing. She has adopted/stolen three Romanian crack babies, which on occasion perform along with her in her late night shows.


D.P. Ncyeder

The inventor of both dental floss and the thong bikini. He claimed that the beachwear invention was inspired by his first invention, but could not, or would not, explain how. He often claimed to be both the cause and the solution for the old problem of pubic hairs in one's teeth.

Jen Nettles

Dixie Normous

A woman distinguished by the unfortunate and seemingly unexplainable bulge in her pants, Dixie worked in pant sales which became more and more difficult with each predeceasing erection. Trying to cover up her fleshly secret, she tried to convince potential customers that she had a "groin tumor". Customers actually found this to be more repulsive than a dick, so her work suffered tremendously. Coming to the realization that she had very little potential in a market that required women to be penisless, Dixie went to school to try to pursue a career in graphic design. Her studies were moving fluently until The Great Lockdown Drill of May 2005. Dixie, as claustrophobic as she was (you'd be claustrophobic to if you had a steak snake crawling up your Levis) was forced to find herself in a position where she involuntarily was brushed up against a fellow student. Praying that it was just a highlighter or elongated vagina, the student moved closer due to a condition of uncontrollable curiosity. Feeling all the nooks and crannies of Dixie's dick area. Judging by the subtleties and ridges, the student amassed that it could be none other than a meat market of hose flesh setting up shot in ones undergarments. The student yelled from the top of his lungs, provoking the mass murderer responsible for the lockdown drill. Equipped with a flame torch and no regrets, the torchman took to the room like a python around Brady Barr's almost hairy legs, leading to the death of Dixie, and several others.


Mike Oxlong

Michael 'I'm Not Short' Oxlong, born in Ajax, Ontario, is a known member of the communist party. At the wee age of 3, Mr. Oxlong had already impregnated 17 women, one of which being your mother. Feeling rather depressed and hard-done by, he turned to drugs and alcohol. Mr. Oxlong spent the next 13 years of his life drinking, smoking pot, and impregnating more women. He then contracted the STD progressive rock and was changed forever. He quit drugs (the crappy ones, anyway), stopped drinking (excessively), and went on to be one of the worlds most famous communists. Mr. Oxlong most famous for his epic battle against Rasputin, known as a rooster-duel. Surprisingly, he won. Mr. Oxlong is also noted for his rather large family, which is estimated to be half of Russia.

Mike Oxbigg

Known to stretch the boundaries of good taste, the experience of meeting Mike Oxbigg has been referred to as "filling!" and "deeply satisfying", earning him the nick name "Mr. Goodbar".


Anita P.

The Latin American rap and other rubbish music star Anita P. is famous for hits such as "I'm gonna have your baby (or someone's)" and "If I bend over will you drive me home?". Recently accused of using sex to sell her records she replied "Do you wanna see my knockers? Is that what it takes for you to stop with the accusations?" which totally scotched that rumour.

Gaylord Perry

Gaylord Perry. Sexy bitch.

House of Lords member and bon vivant. Famous for leading the foray into North Africa to 'fix them sumbitchin nigras'. He was a third cousin once removed of Gaylord Fokker. Not to be confused with Journey frontman Steve "Lord, is he gay or what?" Perry.

Pyuck Meei

He world renowned dice player. He participated in last year's international world dice tournement. However, he (like the rest of the players) was robbed at this event. Let's face it, dice games get robbed.

Phyuck Yiu

Phyuck Yiu was the once leader of the great Republic of Stan during the great Stanian Empire around 7200BC. He was superseded by his son Phyuck Yiu II, who was overthrown by Yura Ashtinx, causing the Great Pie War. Phyuck Yiu was known to be one of the kindest, gentlest tyrants to ever rule the Stanian countryside, and anyone that remembers him nowadays is probably a ghost or something, because that was like 9000 years ago, and nobody lives that long.

Manley Powers

British navel admiral, he is known as the sexiest man on the Seven Seas. He regularly foils the plots of evil pirates and squid and always gets the girl in the end.


Hugh G. Rection

Hugh Geoffrey Rection was born on the 21st February 1967, as the son of a fish merchant and a seamstress in North London. During much of his teenage life, he was taunted and bullied because of his name, and later developed manic depression and personality disorders. After attempting suicide 3 times, he was admitted to a Mormon health clinic, which changed Hugh's life.

Currently, he works as a fertility consultant in east Manchester, while occasionally moonlighting as a porn star. His faith in Mormonism is still strong to this day.

Often mistaken for Hung Lo, the famous East Asian banker.

Dixie Recht

Invented Viagra

Mike Rotch

Mike Rotch is a Philadelphia native and long time resident. He is the assistant work manager at Big Crauch's Homeware Depot.


Constance Schiltz

Heir to the Schlitz family's beer brewing empire, Constance Schlitz is a member of the Washington DC bar and one of the United States experts on waste management regarding clean water issues. Know to her friends as Connie, Schlitz is the wife of I.P. Freeley (supra).

Eric Shin

According to his official biography, Eric Shin was born in Hong Dong, China. Not much else about him is known other than that he prefers to stand and likes all things firm. He also hates vacations at Lake Flaccid.

Justin Sider

Contrary to popular belief, Justin Sider did not die in the Great War. However, his skin was stolen by the young Joseph Stalin, who made it into a coat. He lived for many years by stealing the skins of others, and currently resides somewhere in Oprah Winfrey.

E. Norma Snockers

Vassily Sonovabich

Possibly the most famous Russian ever. Born in 2139 AD, he travelled back in time to become Stalin's most trusted right hand man. That was before being sent to a gulag for laughing when Stalin farted.

R. Soul

Robbie Soul is the younger brother of singer David Soul. He causes pandemonium in workplaces and airports when paged to phone someone or come to the meeting point. 'Will Mr R. Soul please come immediately to the Al Qaeda ticket desk'

Harry Sphincter

Harold Ault Sphincter (b. 9 Aug 1947), MD., PhD, DVM, WTF.

A graduate of Yale University, Harry was a well respected proctologist who ventured into the bowels of freelance journalism, rooting deeply to find stories where other writers feared to look.

He is perhaps best known for his probing work for The Washington Post, where he snuck in the back door after repeatedly being denied entry, by way of his slippery handiwork and forceful influence.

He rather bluntly acknowledges some of his earlier work as "shitty", but his sheer dedication to the task at hand has delivered firm and regular output in recent years.

Seaman Stains

Seaman Ted M. Stains (April 25, 1923 – June 14, 1945) was an American sailor during the Second World War. He served aboard the USS Cum starting in September 1942. He was killed in action on June 14, 1945 during a surprise Godzilla attack off the coast of Japan. The unfortunate incident occurred because the seaman arrived prematurely and thought the threat was gone, instead Godzilla arrived and the motley crew were taken by surprise as they realised they still needed to perform. This event is, however, celebrated by those Japanese who are part of the Church of Godzilla.

Ima Stinkwhore

Chuck Leopold Sunshine

His interests are cats, watercolor painting, and saving wayward dolphins. He also eats children's souls. Chuck was born in the small town of Mianus and grew up in a normal household. He has two sisters, Mia Haets Sunshine and Rainn Anne Sunshine. He now Waterskis professionally for a church orgainizaiton in Loogieville, Louisiana.

Sum Yung Gai

brother of Sum Ting Wong

Born in the Xinjiang province of China, he is an accomplished chef well-known for his Chinese and French cooking. He is currently working as Iron Chef China on the Iron Chef show on TV's Food Network. His signature dish is a thick, white-ish soup called "Cream of Sum Yung Gai".

Peter Ian Staker

P I Staker comes from many places. So many in fact noone actually knows where he lives. There have been reports of more than one person of this name apearing at a same time. !WEIRD!

Tudick Synsider

Was originally going to be a part of the Mickey Mouse Club, but was replaced by a white queer because of her name.


Jenna Talia

Jennifer Elayne Talia was named after Jennifer Lopez and was born in 1982. At the age of 15 her sexual organs began growing dramatically in size and soon took over most of her body. That's not hot, and when she got genital warts and genital herpes, everyone could see it. She stayed home and cried until her expanding vagina ate her eyes and swallowed her tears. She then followed in her fathers footsteps, and became president of the United States of Australia.

Hugh G. Throbbincock

Named after a relative Hugh G. Rection.

Dick Trainor

Principal of King's College London.

Dick Trickle

Dick Trickle

America's winningest NASCAR driver with 1000+ wins. Named after father, grandfather, great grandfather, and so on. Also has a son named Dick Trickle, Jr.

Eric Tyle

Scientist who discovered Eric Tyle's disfunction, and inventor of Viegra.


Isaac Urcock

Famous multi-millionaire in the stock market.

Sumb Ussay

The star of many Bollywood features, this young actor is revered throughout his wild culture. Growing up in the dank, wet, forests of Southern China, was kidnapped and instructed in the ways of acting after an Indian agent witnessed his entrancing cunnilingus routine.


Isla Vass

Noted for her work in the field of nude sculpture.

Vihn Job

Known for his work in Fast and Firious and other things pretaining to Rims.


Chuck Wagon

Culinary pioneer of the Wild West.

Walter Wallcarpet

Claims to have been laid in almost every bedroom in southern Britain.

Mary Wana

Mary J. Wana is the wife of Ben Hitten-Dabong, sister of S. Moe Kablunt, S. Moe King-Weede, S. Norton-Coke, A. Sid Tripp, L. Esdee, P. Seapy. Also a very distant cousin of Chris Talmeth.

Kunting Wang

Student (female) at Cambridge University.

Harry Woodcock

World famous Nigerian philanthropist

Wi Phukem Yung

Author of The Overpopulation of China

Will U. Jackmeov

Russian painter


Kebert Xela

Just saying his name backwards will send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.


I.C. York-Hunt

I.C. York-Hunt looks just like Mike Hunt sans the HMRFRA Award

Ichabod Cornelius York-Hunt (born April 1, 1913) was the bastard son of British industrialist, Woddick Hunt (who was also Mike Hunt’s father) and his long-time mistress, Sarah York, the Duchess of Lancaster, New Jersey. His paternal grandfather was the distinguished linguist U.R.A. Effink-Hunt, and his fifth cousin is Yurek Hunt-Tue. Despite the fact that news of his affair might hurt his reputation, the elder Hunt wished for his son to be recognized as a member of his family, and told the Duchess he would pay child support only under the condition that she give him the Hunt surname. To avoid a lengthy transatlantic court battle she agreed to compromise and hyphenate the boy’s name.

Since Ichabod is such a weird name, and the nickname Ike is hardly much better (not to mention Cornelius and any possible nicknames for that) the child was often taunted by his schoolmates. As a teenager he decided to start referring to himself by his initials, and the name I.C. became his moniker throughout the rest of his life.

Unlike his more famous half-brother, Mike, I.C. never excelled at much during his formative years. He was only average at school, not particularly good at sports, and had no artistic talent to speak of. This was particularly hard on him since he bore a striking resemblance to, and was often mistaken for, his half-brother – people often remarked that I.C. York-Hunt looks just like Mike Hunt.

As a young adult he tried to get away from it all turning to drugs, becoming a beatnik, and hitchhiking across the country. In 1952, he stumbled into a Las Vegas casino and decided to try his luck at poker. It turned out that he was a natural at it, and having finally found his niche, York-Hunt decided to become a professional poker player. He quickly won a gazillion dollars.

The leaders of the Soviet Union saw him as a symbol of all that was wrong with American capitalism. They staged an international poker tournament in 1969 and invited York-Hunt hoping that Soviet poker experts could win some of his ill-gotten loot for the politburo people. I.C. was only able to win a few thousand rubles, though, before the Russians realized no one could beat him and brought false charges of espionage against him, which they agreed to drop on condition that he return the money and never set foot on Soviet territory again. However, his trip to Soviet Russia did have one positive note: for the first time he was able to meet the half-brother who had been his hero while growing up. It just so happened that Mike Hunt had business to conduct within the Soviet Union (he was trying to persuade Soviet officials that Hunt's catsup should replace Heinz' ketchup as the tomato condiment of choice behind the Iron Curtain). As fate would have it, he had a meeting with Soviet officials whose timing coincided with the poker tournament. Mike set up a meeting with his half-brother by sending the following brief telegram:

 In Soviet Russia, Mike Hunt sees YOU!

York-Hunt was eventually banned for life from all poker games in the known universe for being too damn good and making it impossible for anyone else to win, ever. Nonetheless, his legacy lives on in the form a poker term having been named for him – I.C. York-Hunt is now the phrase poker players use to mean I agree to match your wager of 50 dollars (or pounds, euros, yen, cigarettes, camel turds, or whatever the local currency is). For example, to say I agree to match your bet of fifty, and increase the amount being wagered by 100, a poker player would say "I.C. York-Hunt and Ray Z. Ewan-Hugh G. Rection."

Note that the aforementioned people are of no relation to the late Mughal Emperor, Ivor Salik-Hunt, nor his wife, Isa Salik-Hunt.

Related figures: I.C. London, I.C. France, I can see your underpants!

Yura Dwad

The Chinese representative in the UN.


Mubahl Zizary

Mubahl Alisatra Zizary (March 20 1976 to --)

One of the pioneering members of New York society, Zizary pioneered and spearheaded a large force in 1985 against the now-defunct law that all yellow-related transportation commissioners must be able to speak English, claiming that the statute invaded on their first amendment of free speech; forcing any citizen to learn the language of another culture shackled them to that culture, despite the importance or power of these proverbial shackles. When questioned, American-born P.R. motorists had no comment; scientists have begun studies to find if any such employees exist at all (the results should be made available to our sources by 2008, when George W. Bush returns to his forte as an ecological anthropologist to aid the effort.)

Zizary, furious with his diction coach, assembled a large mob of 200,000 saffron transport technicians and stormed the Almighty Consulate of Moving People in New Fork City. The group immediately began marching around the consulate building, tearing mailboxes from the ground and tossing them at cars passing the movement. After surviving nearly 3 days under siege, the Almighty Consulate finally ran out of spare shoes and quarters for the coffee machine, and gave in to the force outside. They created an open-floor debate for the mob and the consulate; due to the group's inability to speak English, the Consulate simply vetoed the oppressive law to stop their babbling.

To this day, the Vermilion Populous Drivers' Union owes their heritage to Mubahl Zizary, a man who had the courage and the cultural pride to totally ignore the law and fight our government. Such heroism would be echoed by such great leaders as Martin Luther King, Jr., time-traveling Lincoln, and of course That guy, who led the Psychadelic Revolution of 2158. Oh, what a day that was...


The Butz Brothers

  • Seymour Butz
  • Harry Butz
  • I.C. Butz
  • "Stinky" Butz
  • Hugh Jass Butz
  • J-Lo Butz
  • Reginald "Cigarette" Butz

The Gay Clan

The Gay Clan of Jacksonville, Florida were noted for having several members of their group fighting during the Vietnam War. In addition, they were noted for being entirely uncreative in their names. Members of the family who served in the conflict included:

Admiral Abe Lee Gay

USCG - The only member of the family to have Lee as a middle name rather than a first name. Serving in the Coast Guard during the entirety of the Vietnam War, he retired in 1975 as a Rear Admiral. He spent the 1980s and 1990s engaged in piracy off of Cape Butt, the former Rear Admiral was known to be the most fierce of the so-called "Butt Pirates". However, with the War on Terror, Rear Admiral Abe Lee Gay reenlisted into the Coast Guard where he was promoted to a full admiral in recognition of his considerable experience. When questioned on whether he thought the Coast Guard would get much action, Gay said, "Well it seems like the gooks are now wearing towels, they must have got wet somewhere."

General Lee Gay

USA - General Lee Gay served with distinction during the Vietnam War, receiving many purple hearts for being wounded by friendly fire. He is still serving in the US Army, currently stationed at the Abu Ghraib Freedom Camp.

Major Lee Gay

USMC - Major Lee Gay joined the US Marine Corps late in the Vietnam War and did not see much action during that conflict. Later serving in the 1st Gulf War where he was noted for trying to defect to the Iraqi Republican Guard. When asked about his decision to defect later, he said quote "Those Democrats (refering most of the men in his unit) were just not Gay enough (refering the code of ethics of the Gay Clan), now those Republican (Guards) they were a real Gay bunch."

Private Lee Gay

USA - Unlike his dad the Major who volunteered for the service, Private Lee Gay was drafted into the service. In a show of great cowardice he hid in a closet during the Tet Offensive.

Seaman Lee Gay

USN - Seaman Lee Gay's service in the Vietnam conflict proved quite short as he was killed in the Gulf of Tonkin by Mutant Sea Bass.