United States v. Cthulhu
Nominated Article
In a series of declassified documents containing accounts of wars, rumors of wars, and battles that have no victors or defeated opponents or worldwide destruction that can be defined by any costs or empires captured, there is a hearty bunch of terrified witness to the fact that Cthulhu was a main concern for the multibillionaire corporation known as the Government of the United States. While there does seem to be a list of who was involved directly in the dismantling of the beast known as Mister Squid Face, it's unclear how many from the corporation of the United States had been assigned the task of the impossible conquest to take down an ancient Slime Lord that's been nothing but trouble.
“I have harnessed the shadows that stride from world to world to sow death and madness.”
“I could not help feeling that they were evil things. Mountains of madness whose farther slopes looked out over some accursed ultimate abyss. That seething, half-luminous cloud-background held ineffable suggestions of a vague, ethereal beyondness far more than terrestrially spatial; and gave appalling reminders of the utter remoteness, separateness, desolation, and aeon-long death of this untrodden and unfathomed austral world.”
“Only poetry or madness could do justice to the noises.”
U.S. Department of Defense v. Cthulhu[edit | edit source]
When Chris Miller was sent on a recon mission involving the Japanese Stomping Fish and the phenomena of Godzilla, he was allegedly lost at sea and could only communicate with the President through a series of messages in bottles sent out in the currents of shipping lanes. Naturally he had to swim close enough to those lanes but as luck would have it, parts of R'lyeh had started to emerge where underwater elevators allowed him to travel back and forth safely between the last point he'd been seen and the middle of the ocean.
The Military came out to where he was camping on a nearby beach and gave him new orders. He was to forget about the silly stomping fish (which he had already done anyway) and to scrap the plans against Godzilla. They had a new target and he was promoted to Defense Chief of Staff in the aquatic department. He was not entirely on board with this turn of events because while he was gathering intel on the previous mission, he had plenty of time to observe the creature known as Cthulhu. Miller was convinced that the sea beast was somehow communicating with him through strange dreams, strange songs from beneath the waves, and the direct approach of Cthulhu popping up just above the waves with a few tentacles floating around its head and in plain English saying that it planned to get revenge on the entire planet but would spare him because he was a good listener.
Miller tried to destroy Cthulhu but he thought, at times, that it wasn't something he wanted to do as it would be like destroying something that mattered. He knew it didn't matter, but it was just a feeling that maybe Cthulhu was somehow in cahoots with Godzilla and that might bring two monsters down upon the world to wreck havoc. The Department of Defense didn't care. They wanted that thing brought in by next Sunday. Miller told them they would need a bigger boat only to be confronted with the fact that they were going to use an aircraft carrier. Still, Miller wasn't too sure. There was something wrong with the whole mission.
Cthulhu knew what the DoD was up to so the creature began toying with them. Playing a game of cat and mouse. In this case, a game of cultist and creator of unfathomable nightmares. Miller often stood on deck and calmly smoked while thinking up a better plan as if there ever could be one in the glow of a dimly lit ocean where doom lurked and waited. At times, he would sit on some isolated beach somewhere and just think up lyrics just to get his mind off of the fact that Cthulhu had found a way into all the darkest of dreams. Having to get away from the ship since everyone and the captain would wake up from horrible visions and call out names that sounded like they were spoken underwater. And having to save them from drowning because of it. All his plans however were vastly different than the DoD's plans. Objectives were hashed out and although there were some very good ideas, none of them were sufficient enough to bring Cthulhu to its squishy knees.
Here is a list of examples the DoD went over, and Miller's following suggestions:
- (DoD) use a giant net to capture Cthulhu and drag it along until reaching a massive aquarium and training it to do tricks.
- (Chris Miller) would suggest staying in the aquarium until Cthulhu might get bored of watching whales and move along.
- (DoD) use a giant underwater crane to arm wrestle one of the tentacles and cripple it until it could no longer terrorize the seas.
- (Chris Miller) opted to give Cthulhu any underwater cranes it wanted, as long as it would build its skyscrapers in R'lyeh's city limits.
- (DoD) entertained nuking Cthulhu despite the fact it would mean nuking the whales, too.
- (Chris Miller) wanted to nuke the moon as it was getting too close to the earth, and further wanted to swim in the sea, perhaps develop gills, visit R'lyeh and see the sights. He went as far as attending cultist classes and taking courses in R'lyehian so to better understand what people might be saying in such a deep dark part of the ocean.
The DoD ended up scraping plans to destroy Cthulhu and drew up another set of plans involving Cthulhu. They invited Cthulhu to one of their private meetings and ended up having to agree to feed the monster to keep peace between the U.S. and R'lyeh. Cthulhu's diet was simple enough, humans would suffice as long as they were virgins. The DoD had no choice but to offer up everyone in the CIA, FBI, and FEMA.
U.S. Department of Energy v. Cthulhu[edit | edit source]
When the Government was shut down for the 100 millionth time in any given year, new people were hired to look official and serious and whatnot. Ezra Conan Watnick found himself the subject of a huge wheel of fortune and his name came up. The DoE relocated and conducted business as always but much further away from the affected areas of sea monster carnage. Basically somewhere in the middle of Nowhere and Egypt.
Working under such extreme conditions wasn't for the weak. Nowhere and Egypt (and the area known as the middle of the two) were notoriously known for harsh climates, hostile inhabitants, wars breaking out on a dime, the regular Alien invasions, and sometimes Nuclear Holocausts but at least there was very little chance of Cthulhu showing up. Watnick's friend, Mark Mitchell who was a top ranking military general and celebrated talent from Central Casting, was brought in to assist Watnick on this mission just as soon as he finished losing his lawsuit against the tricky lottery-style wheel that put him there in the first place.
Mitchell and Watnick wasted no time diving into the Cthulhu mythos, going down the cultist rabbit hole, and sometimes for a laugh combined their studies to include diving into a fully submerged rabbit hole to get pictures. No rabbits or sea monsters, but a lot of cave fish. After some time, the work became unbearable and tedious. Watnick was convinced his friend was losing his mind and tried to have him committed. Mitchell insisted that he was okay, but felt that their safe location may not be so safe anymore. They had been reading all kinds of books that went into far too much detail of what the elusive Cthulhu could do to anyone crossing its path. Or swimming over its path. It didn't matter, Mitchell found much of it too horrible for words. But Watnick added more to the standard reports and embellished what was written in those pages of the old books. Speaking of people and places as if to give them more of a presence. Ghost-like. Haunting the halls of the Middle Nowhere and Egypt. And Egypt was already a hot bed of crazy mummy activity and ancient burial grounds where some refused to stay dead. Nowhere was also such a place. But without the Pyramids. Watnick would assure Mitchell that it was just a bunch of Looney Tunes making stuff up to scare everyone else.
It was Ezra himself who would often suggest that Cthulhu should be ignored. Treated as if it didn't exist. It was stupid. One must go on with life, and ignore anything slimy grabbing you and dragging you into the ocean. To give zero fucks about it and to stop standing around wasting resources when you could be doing something productive. Nevermind that bridges have been washed out, and an unnerving shadow against a dark, greenish sky was menacing your every attempt to escape with your life. It wasn't to be acknowledged unless you fell off the deep end. The ladder. The wagon. Whatever.
In the remote area of the isolated unknown, Cthulhu did eventually make way into the very bunker of the unknown isolated area so remote that it was a prime target for such a giant alien squid-faced bat. Watnick and Mitchell had to go undercover to track the beast wherever it went. They didn't come up with the idea, the government did. Halfway into some other haunted area, they decided to skip the mission and join the submarine crew heading out to battle the Leviathan. This too, was something Watnick chose to ignore and focus solely on taunting Mitchell about.
A typical conversation between Mark Mitchell and Ezra Watnick at the secret base.
Mark: What is that thing? It's floating on the air, and it's coming this way.
Ezra: It's nothing.
Mark: It seems to be moving pretty fast.
Ezra: It can't move as efficiently on land as it can in the water.
Mark: Oh no! It's Cthulhu, isn't it?!
Ezra: Maybe. Maybe not. Did you want any more coffee?
Mark: Yes, please.
Ezra: You know, it's not really there. You've not been getting much sleep. You may be hallucinating.
Mark: It just ate your car, dude.
Ezra: Nonsense!
Mark: It's a good thing we're all the way over here, and not near the abandoned parking lot.
Ezra: Well, its arms can reach you.
Mark: But Cthulhu doesn't have arms, right? It's like tentacles or something.
Ezra: Its tentacles can reach you, too. It's like a squishy spider that can get into everything. Even past these bolted doors.
Mark: But you said it wasn't there.
Ezra: I may have said that. But you could be dreaming about all of this, after all.
Mark: I'm not asleep.
Ezra: How would you know?
Mark: Waiter? Check please.
Ezra: Are you getting back to your post?
Mark: How can I? I'm either asleep or about to be devoured by a giant squishy spider.
Ezra: Suit yourself.
Mark: If you chop all of its tentacles off, and leave only one, it will resemble a big letter Q.
Ezra: AAAAAAAAA!
U.S. Department of Human Services v. Cthulhu[edit | edit source]
What a freak show this would turn out to be. Oh doggie what a can of tentacles. It can safely be said that if the DHS is involved in anything, there's nothing Cthulhu can do to make it worse. In fact, Cthulhu could only improve the situation. But as it was a government agency, it was used to try to combat the sea menace of nightmares and as history recalls, it was a disaster. A total loss of many sea ports and not to mention, the headquarters of the DHS near the entrance of Hell.
Those turn of events could have been avoided had the DHS not hired Gordon Ramsay as head chef and relied on the experts at Red Lobster to take orders instead. But the government had to prove some esoteric point about bringing in the most popular ranking in popularity and it didn't hurt that Ramsey had been serving on the U.S.S. Hildebeast and wanted to experiment with this brainy idea for a recipe he liked to call Crusty Cthulhu with melted butter and garlic seasoning. It was the tentacles that made netting the monster impossible. Ramsay didn't take into account that if one tentacle can get through any part of a net, the rest of the giant-true-meaning-of-doom could get through and escape just as easily.
Ramsey wasn't listening to anyone and was determined to make something out of Cthulhu, even if it was just soup. His team consisted of mostly asylum patients and cultists, so he did manage to get close enough to the beast to give it a what for. He started to curse it out, and tell it off with such vigor that he almost burst a blood vessel screaming at it. The cultists were amused and merrily offered to help cook Cthulhu. That's when Ramsay brought in the Cast Iron Caldron of Catastrophe and boiled salted water to prepare to cook the Cthulhu menace and serve it up for everyone. The cultists were overjoyed at the prospect of being devoured by their formidable deity that would also be devoured. They weren't sure how it would work, but they were excited to experience an ultimate infinity, and see up close the cosmos-atoms.
This really didn't go as planned, because when Ramsay wielded a can opener, the cultists feared that he was breaking open a can of Whup-Ass or a can of Worms. Either way they had to stop this madness. Gathering back inside the DHS HQ, they watched in a mixed emotional state between trauma, horror, and enjoyment as Cthulhu grabbed the U.S.S. Hildebeast and shook it violently. It wasn't a very promising development and the government had to retire the ship and turn it into an amusement park ride. When Ramsay had witnessed the wrath of Cthulhu, he jumped into the caldron to hide and ended up cooking himself. The DHS had no choice but to cut the program and stick to pancakes. Not satisfied, Cthulhu then went on a rampage and destroyed many sea ports and the DHS HQ. Saying in his glubby accent that they had it coming.
U.S. Coast Guard v. Cthulhu[edit | edit source]
In recent eons, roughly between the years 44 A.D. and 1983 the Coast Guard was a team of scuba divers, Boat People, and fishermen who would be at the right place at the right time to rescue would be victims from uncertain water-related hazards. Some of them had heard of such hazards like the one presented by Cthulhu, but their main agenda was simply to be at sea. That was their life. Their lady. Their preferred method of going about business. The sea, on the other hand was testy and would get real frustrated that these people wouldn't get out of its drink. The Coast Guard was knighted as a government appendage and when that was certified, the sea would have to deal with it or sent back to Neptune from whence it came.
At the turn of the century, the government was yet unable to control the sea's temper tantrums and started bringing in Marine Biologists and anyone else having a degree from another government agency purporting to have all knowledge of all things in education. This was right after they had already brought in professors from the asylum near Hotel California who kept going on about Cthulhu, the multi-dimensional gender charts, and proclaiming their allegiance to a guy named Count Dracula.
Enter the West Cost Guardian Wizard who happened to be an expert in all things Mammal and Fish. All things carnivorous and plant based. In all things magic and Voodoo. All things beach and all things Deep Sea Sky Diving. Axel Sharkey Vasaline Sr. was a very well respected name around the world. And that included the oceans. The government signed him up for the task they were sure would bring an end to Cthulhu once and for all.
The heroic Axel Sharkey (Axel Vasa for short) arrived on the scene to give Cthulhu a run for its money. Armed with witty comeback lines and an arsenal of phrases he'd made up, Cthulhu was bound to be mystified and horrified at such a daring man to confront its glorious sliminess. Vasa gathered his books of notes and began reading out from the deck of the largest Coast Guard vessel to sail however many seas there ever were. He called out to Cthulhu and got an answer that sounded something like Glub glub gloop glubber glooper dunk pffoosh and having said all that, Cthulhu rose up out of the waters on all twenty fours and charged the vessel. Everyone jumped overboard except Vasa who stood on deck and wondered what everyone's problem was.
With a calm and eerie ease Vasa said back Thank you very nicely, I love you very nicely. Your uncle Enki here, coming to you from the heavens and if you know, you know causing Cthulhu to sink back down into the depths. Vasa knew the crazy bat octopus was still staring at him from 100 feet below so he flashed his Cthulhu ring and forgave him for being so rude. This would have been the victory the government had been looking for if it hadn't been for the fact that Cthulhu, being bewildered by Vasa's spells, decided to eat the crew who had abandoned ship just for good measure.
Vasa went to R'lyeh to petition for the release of the crew. But first he'd have to learn the ways of the underwater city and how to communicate his wishes. This wasn't as easy as he'd thought. Eventually he learned that in order to bring back what was left of the crew, he'd have to buy everyone drinks in R'lyeh. It was strange to speak underwater, and at that depth, so to cut corners a nuclear submarine was sent over to just take them back at gunpoint more or less.
The crew was remembered with a shrine made of the bones of long-since-dead pirates and sharks that the submarine managed to dredge up. Their names written across the skulls of the sharks in the bold black ink of a Sharpie pen.
- George Looney (captain)
- Richard Simmons (first mate)
- John Sparrow David Thompson (bridge crew member)
- Gruben Hookmeet (cook)
- Some guy with a beard (unknown)
- Another guy (unknown)
U.S. Secret Service vs Cthulhu[edit | edit source]
This government agency has only one function. To protect all endangered species and transitional beings, no matter what happened to their usual appearance. But when the Secret Service was ordered to capture Cthulhu at all costs, they had to leave their posts as body guards for everyone they were guarding and replace themselves with your mom.
The SS protested on the principle that Cthulhu never threatened their wards, clients, or the general health of who they guarded but this was one time when they were given a duty that could not be completed. Government failure is a way of life, its incompetence is legendary all throughout history, and even in Hell itself. But going after a legendary monster from outer space drove them mad. It was obsessive and bordered on psychotic. They wanted this thing deleted from existence. In fact a medical term was invented for the disorder. Obsessive-compulsive deletion. Yet the SS was being forced to deal with such extreme censorship.
Nonetheless, things had to be dealt with and the SS had to put their trust in someone who was notorious for being a very protective bitch. Cthulhu got wind of this and knew the SS were always armed to the teeth, and would have the means to really mess up the slime lord of chaos really bad. So as with all aquatic inhabitants, it sought revenge. Moby-Dick offered his help but Cthulhu wanted all the glory, so Moby's help was declined.
From what the Dark Souls told reporters, Moby was insulted and raced toward the SS Government HQ to demand answers. Why was Cthulhu hell bent on revenge against them and what did they do to stir the wrath of such a Great Old One? It was a temporary secretary assistant that gave Moby the runaround as that's what government workers do. This angered Moby even more. A Great Whale of all the seas and this tarty bitch was giving him grief by acting dumb. But Cthulhu showed up and explained that they were all stupid and as such, can't help it. Unfortunately, Moby couldn't understand because Cthulhu didn't speak whale or dolphin. So tensions grew. Moby just wanted to kick some ass, Cthulhu had had it with these flipping departments and the U.S. Government was preparing for war against any and all Canadian Armed Forces who made life a living Hell by way of their Winter War.
The SS Agent known as Dan the Shaggoth Slayer, confronted Cthulhu while he was arguing with Moby-Dick. Cthulhu tied Dan up and threatened his sidekick Lobster with a staple gun. The rest of Dan's team showed up and started to hold Moby and Cthulhu hostage until they could make some kind of arrangement to turn themselves in. Nobody was going to agree to any terms the government demanded and instead ordered the SS to get back to work, while the whale and the octopus sea bat guy continued with a plan for vengeance. The Supremes Court ruled that no Government Agency exists and therefore only aliens can defeat Cthulhu. Of course Cthulhu laughed its ink pockets off, and had a cruise ship for lunch. The SS agreed to the terms and asked to be left alone. And to let Dan and the Lobster go.
Moral of the Story[edit | edit source]
When you search the mysteries of the sea, and it only answers through the discarded shells as a series of waves crashing on the shore, take heed to avoid the rabbit hole that leads to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. There are no signs on this rabbit hole, there's no map identifying the thing and with good reason. For it is said that the rabbit hole is actually Cthulhu pretending to be patch of land featuring a very tempting illusion of adventures to be had, and before you know it, it turns out to be the last thing you see as he eats you. Then surely you die. You tried in vain to cry out but, in the sea no one can hear you scream. Not even you, yourself. The government only appears long enough on the horizon to be totally useless. And therein lies your doom. And you are dead. There is no more.
