Lincoln Town Car
The Lincoln Town Car, produced by the Ford Motor Company, is a car. It is full-size, has rear-wheel drive (for non car-aficionados, this means that it can drive backwards as well as forwards), and has a powerful V8 engine. The Town Car name was first used on a custom Model T made for Henry Ford himself; this early 1920s Town Car was powered not by a motor or tomato juice, but purely through Henry Ford's sheer determination and force of will. It was called the Town Car because many public buildings in the town it was constructed in were torn down in during the requisitioning of materials for the vehicle.
The History of the Town Car[edit | edit source]
For a long time there was just Henry Ford's Town Car. Since Mr. Ford was too busy to drive it very frequently, and no one else had the force of will or sheer determination to operate the vehicle, it fell into disrepair. However, on an undetermined date between 1845 and 1988, due either to gas and indigestion in the secondary primary exhaust manifold or the paradox of light being in two places at once but there being only one sun in the sky, the Town Car began to multiply. Mr. Ford returned from an Inuit hunting expedition in Antarctica (now since illegal -- killing the native population of a land became frowned upon once people were bored with Manifest Destiny) to find that there was an entire colony of Town Cars in his garage.
Being the fine, upstanding capitalist that he was, Henry Ford commissioned a study of the colony to determine if there was any monetary gain possible from the occurrence. Forty-seven men in forty-four white lab-coats poured strange colored chemicals from one beaker to another and frowned over brown-clipboards for four years, and finally they came up with a fool-proof money making plan involving the Town Cars: they would sell them.
Common drivers of Town Cars[edit | edit source]
Most often, Town Cars can be spotted being driven by one of three (3) groups:
- Black dudes: Black dudes like to drive old-school (pre-89) Town Cars because Tru' Playas, before going extinct, often drove their female employees around in Town Cars.
- Old white folks: You can see many old white folks cruising in Town Cars. They have been spotted both in newer models and in older models, generally relative to how old the white person is.
- Foreigners: These can usually be seen driving newer, all-black Town Cars as taxis. Most frequently found idling by the sidewalk while the driver yells something along the lines of "Ahhhlalalalalalala walallala hoolalal" into their blue-tooth.
Utilization of Town Cars[edit | edit source]
Many Town Car owners enjoy driving their Town Cars, however, this is not recommended by the manufacturer. According to the second chapter of the owners manual, The Town Car Ford Motor Vehicle Car is designed to run only long enough to get it from the dealership to your dwelling. Any further "driving" of the aforementioned Ford Motor Vehicle Car will void your warranty. Driving the Town Car after taking it home can result in injury.
The leather seats are very spacious and extremely comfortable; older models even have those neat airplane-style ashtrays. Because of this, many Town Car owners use their Town Car as a secondary living room. The powerful V8 engine can run a TV and a fridge for almost six (6) years non-stop, although people have been known to die from the carbon-monoxide caused by leaving the engine on for such an extended period of time in a closed space.
Confusion With the Former President[edit | edit source]
Many people assume that the Town Car model of Ford Motor Vehicle Car is named after President Abraham Lincoln, however this is incorrect. In fact, both the Town Car and Abraham Lincoln were named after the popular children's toy Lincoln Logs.
