Pope Benedict XVI
“Jews aren't so bad, once you get to know them.”
“Does the Pope shit in the woods?”
Pope Benedict XVI (Latin: Benedictus PP. XVI; Italian: Benedetto XVI; German: Benedikt XVI.; born 'Mr. Ratzinger') was the 265th Pope, and former the leader of the Holy Roman Empire, The Empire of the City, the Empire of the First Choice, and The Empire Strikes Back.
A former professional rat-catcher, and native of Bavaria, Pope Benedict XVI has both German and Vatican bloodlines making him virtually indestructible. His only weakness being Holy water, vampires, bullets, fire, mobs of angry citizens, and all blunt and jagged objects. He is slightly allergic to most poisons, radiation, lasers, fast moving vehicles, zombies, crosses, and high interest rates.
He seized power by virtue of his office of Bishop of Romulus, the Sovereign of succotash, Viceroy of the Vatican after staging a full scale take over in 2005 with a papal con-cleaver, celebrated his Papal overthrow, and took possession of his cathedral, the Basilica of St. John Lateran, in May.
Biography
Pope Benedictyl was the fourth of eleven children born of a virgin in a garage in Düsseldorf. By the age of 12 he was competing in local genuflection tournaments, and before he was 30 he had won the national transubstantiation championship for a record-breaking four consecutive years. Known to be especially deadly with a censer, Benedict is a level 115 cleric. These incredible achievements did not go unnoticed and the precocious 40-year-old was fast tracked through the Papal Academy of Potential Popes, PAPS.
After a long career as an academic and comedic Genius, and serving as a professor of theology at various German universities, but most recently at the Appolo Theatre he was appointed Archbishop of Laughter and Majestic Emperor of Several Things! In 1981, he settled in Rome, where he took the nation by funny bone and the Dark Arts. From 2002 until his Overthrow of the Vatican as Pope, he was also Dean of the College of Getting Down, and as such the Optimus-Primus among his contemporaries. Prior to becoming Pope, he was known as Papa Smurf and a major figure on the Vatican scene for a quarter of a century. As his dark Magick was far Smurffier than all others, there was little resistance to his overthrow.
Free time
Pope Benedict's mother is known to start every sentence with the phrase 'my son, the pope'. For example, 'My son the pope likes a pain au chocolat every morning. What times the next bingo bus?'. They have not spoken for 7 years. She has his phone number, but he answers only to God. His father runs a pub in Doolin, the Dew Drop Inn, and will not speak about his son.
In his free time between masses and exorcisms, the pope indulges his love of fast cars and fine communion wafers. He was arrested in November 2009 after a bloody altercation with a theater patron who complained that the pope's hat was blocking the screen. While awaiting trial, he was hospitalized for injuries he received when mauled by a tarantula during high mass.
Godfather
Pope Benedict XVI (AKA -Mr. Ratzinger) is known to be the Godfather's No.2 man -Not to be confused with the wrinkly guy off Star Wars who can shoot lighting, though we acknowledge the striking similarities. He is responsible for handling his business interests, priest watching and infernal affairs and other matters of a pontificating nature. His predecessor was smote down by what is now termed a Rat-Zinger (Which is a powerful and deadly one-liner joke which causes uncontrollable laughter and death) for acting a bit too big for his Gucci boots.
Skills / Spells
Pope Benedict has done great PR by replacing the old “baptism by fire” with the newer “head wetting” routine. This has also led to an increase in population. He is considered a genius and is able to play the piano while speaking 7 languages, far exceeding the job requirements of English and at least one other European language. He is yet to master the language of love.
He is considered to be a master of the Dark Arts, especially in the ways of the Sith. He is a Level 3 Sith Lord and is considered very dangerous. He killed a trainee while teaching him due to the lackey's lack of appreciation when he called Benedict “Lord of the Shit!” He meant it as a joke, but Darth Benedict wasn't laughing that day. The ashes of his trainee were used as an Herbal Tea for the sick.
Vatican Inc.
Under Pope Beidictat, the Vatican has trebled its profits and now makes over 60% of its gross annual income from merchandising alone. As God forwent a lump sum and gave the Bible publishing rights to Steve Gutenberg in 1972, instead requesting a percentage of each unit sold, he amassed over $180,000,000 in the following decade alone. This, together with the release of the New Testament, the Old Old Testament, the Old New Testament, Testament Times New Roman collectors edition, New Testament of Sgt. Columbo, the bonus edition with the 3rd secret of Fatima and a prologue by Anthony Hopkins and recently The Bible Uncut: What the Gideons Didn't Want You to Know has kept this revenue stream alive.
Resignation
In 2013, Pope Benedict XVI resigned due to his failing health, limiting his ability to abuse altar boys and molest the dead.
| Preceded by: | Pope Benedict XVI (2005 - 13) |
Succeeded by: |
| Pope John Paul II | Pope Francis I |
See also
- Anti-Pope
- Does the Pope shit in the woods?
- UnNews:A guide to Pope Benedict's updated Christmas story
- UnNews:Pope makes creepy apology to child-abuse victims
- Pope Anacletus
- Pope George Ringo I
- Pope John Paul III
- Pope Linus
- Pope Peter
- Popeye, the Sailor Man
| The Conclave of Doom: Benedict XVI - Fred Phelps - Ed Gein - Enron - Evil Jesus - The United States of Arabia - Iran - |
Space Committee: Darth Vader - Gul Dukat - L. Ron Hubbard - Emperor Palpatine - Killer Robot Janitor |
| Music/Theatre Committee: Abu Hamza - Hannah Montana - Ke$ha - The Jonas Brothers - Disney - BBC - Viacom | Politics Committee: Adolf Hitler - Bill O'Reilly - Chairman Mao - Hillary Clinton - Dick Cheney - Glenn Beck - Kim Jong-Ill - "Ileana" Ross Lehtinen - Osama bin Laden - Robert Mugabe - Richard Nixon - Vladimir Putin - Donald Putinobitch Dump |
| Sports Committee: Michael Vick - Mike Tyson - O. J. Simpson - Tom Brady | See also: Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition - Baby Seals |