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From today's featured article

NATIONAL GALLERY OF ART, Washington, D.C. -- Climate activists have thrown pumpkin soup at a painting by Jackson Pollock -- his famous Number 1, 1950 (also known as Lavender Mist). However, it took four hours for anyone to notice.

"Ladies and gentlemen," a museum curator warned, "a group of activists, some of them French, entered the museum and vandalized Pollock's Lavender Mist! We are working to restore this beautiful work of art."

Museum patrons were unfazed.

"Doesn't look any different to me," said one.

"We're not exactly Pollock scholars ourselves," said the curator. "I, for once, haven't even seen the Ed Harris movie."

"The Abyss?"

(Full article...)

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In the news

Sesame Street finally exploits the fact that it's on HBO

That's a fucking excellent idea!

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Sesame Street finally realizes it's on HBO (Pictured)
Beto O'Rourke puts finishing touches on 2020 Presidential concession speech
Roman Catholic Church canonizes Frosty the Snowman as a divine being
Studies show clinical depression at an all-time low
Trump news roundup: Plea deals, felonies, and a little girl dies in Border Patrol
Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale
Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk
Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)

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Did you know

... that a smiling Joe Pesci is never a good thing? (Pictured)

... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?

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On this day

January 7: Black Karl Marx Day

698 - King Arthur has a white wine with his cottage pie instead of a red, the round table become concerned.
1608 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia burns down after a careless farmer leaves the smoking tobacco too close to the firewood.
1954 - The first demonstration of computer speech is performed in Georgetown University by an IBM machine, it says: suck it nerds
1959 - The U.S. Government sends Fidel Castro fifteen crates of the finest American cigars, which only look like live sticks of dynamite.
1989 - In response to allegations of class reductionism, the Democratic Socialists of America release the new and improved Black Karl Marx, now 40% more intersectional. (Pictured)
2012 - Pope Francis excommunicates the Vatican's fancy Pope throne in favor of a lame white chair, the peasants cheer, but God cries.
2017 - Black Karl Marx calls one of his female colleagues honeybun, is temporarily taken out of commission.