UnNews:Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale

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Tuesday, December 11, 2018
NORTH POLE -- It is official: That jolly gift-giver is now more than one kind of gay. [1] At least according to a tweet posted from his Twitter account:

"A man's sexual orientation is ever fluid," Santa Claus told UnNews in an interview following the tweet. "Especially for an immortal being like myself. I've been feeling rather gay this year. I'd say I'm probably about a four on the Kinsey scale. Maybe I could get down to three and be bisexual, depending on what Mrs. Claus is wearing."

Santa was of course referring to the Kinsey scale - that famous, if possibly outdated, scale created by sexy sexologist Alfred Kinsey to rank sexual orientation. With 0 being "totally straight", 6 being "totally gay" and, well, you're not a moron. You know how spectral ranking works.

Christmas Kinsey scale.png
The standard on which to judge something as "gayer than Christmas"

For decades, Santa has hovered - some would say played jump rope - around two on the Kinsey scale, placing him in the "straight-to-bisexual" area. This is the first year since the 1950s that Santa is within the "gay" side of the scale. "Oh, yeah, I was a total snow queen back then. Those were some good times," said Father Christmas staring into the air fondly. "Of course, it took awhile for Mrs. Claus to adjust to being a fag hag. She never really got the hang of it, but I'm sure she'll be better at it this time around."

North Pole spokeselves have assured parents around the world that Santa's sexual shift will not effect his career or their children's presents. However, it is recommended that they leave more healthy snacks out on Christmas Eve, since Santa is now trying to get in shape so he can pick up hunks at the gym.

Footnotes[edit]

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  1. And possibly more than one kind of gift-giver, for that matter.