UnNews:Frosty melts in Canadian bathhouse
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Oh for fuck's sake.
Proving once and for all that celebrity deaths come in threes, a third beloved Christmas character following Santa Claus and Rudolph has died. Frosty the Snowman, age 69, was discovered this morning as a puddle on the floor of a gay bathhouse in Toronto, Ontario. Crime scene forensics have determined that it was definitely not murder, as heavy traces of santorum in the puddle show that Frosty died from having a good time.
Frosty's campaign advisor Gavin Lennowitz gave the inside scoop. "Frosty kept going on about how he needed to get laid to reduce his stress. We all advised him that visiting a baththouse was a bad idea, but he insisted he had his own personal flurry like that little guy in Frozen. I kept telling him it was just a cartoon, but I guess when your brain is snow, you have trouble telling reality apart from fantasy."
Eyewitnesses from the Hot Hermy's bathhouse gave their personal testimonies, most of them anonymously so their wives wouldn't find out. "I was just sitting there getting my chestnuts roasted," said this cute bearded blonde, "when a friggin' snowman walked in. At first I was freaked the fuck out, but the sheer horror of all my deepest conceptions about reality crumbling apart turned me on." This hairy bear told us, "I couldn't stop gazing at his smooth icicle schlong and big snowballs. I figured, what the hell? It couldn't be much worse than an Alaskan pipeline." The guys wouldn't tell us exactly what happened during Frosty's final 20 minutes alive, as 'what happens in the bathhouse stays in the bathhouse'. It's notable that Frosty's remaining puddle had a carrot and two sticks in it. If you recall, the song says he has a button nose, and no mention of stick arms. It does mention a broomstick in his hand, but let's just change the subject.
The fact that Frosty was gay comes to no surprised to anyone that knew him. "Oh yeah, the Iceman was a total flamer," says his close personal friend Rod Jenkins. "Someone who spews that much homophobia definitely enjoys a tobaggon ride, if you know what I mean. Everything with him was 'gay' this and 'fag' that. To Frosty, everyone was a faggot but him. It's a shame he couldn't be honest with himself before he passed. I'm going to miss that snow queen."
Following his death, the campaign staff tried to bring Frosty back to life with a whiff of outside Christmas snow, but apparently magic snow loses its potential for chemical recomposition when mixed with santorum. Meanwhile, Frosty's top hat was promptly burned in fear that its magical properties would be used for evil. Unfortunately, it was burned as part of a Penn and Teller act, so we don't know if they handled that in the best way possible. As for the faithful snowman himself, Frothy the Puddle was scooped up, placed in a thermos and brought to Topeka, Kansas and be poured on Fred Phelps' grave.
With both Rudolph and Frosty out of the running to takeover Christmas, the current frontrunner is Krampus. The legendary demon of Christmas punishment will be running unopposed unless the Vatican can quickly promote a more godly and traditional alternative from the scrap of third party misfits.
Time to break out the eggnog, folks. It's going to be one hell of a sleigh ride.