UnNews:Get to know your holly, more-or-less jolly candidates

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Christmas Campaign 2016 is underway! In a little over a week, one of these contenders will be crowned the new icon of Christmas - and it's up to you to decide who! The following are brief profiles for all those running in the race to replace Santa Claus.

Major frontrunner candidates

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Pro Possibly the most beloved holiday character outside of Santa himself, his shiny red nose is a beacon of hope and light in a world of darkness. His life of rising from exclusion to acceptance has been called the inspirational story of the 20th century. Rudolph will surely make Christmas all the more uplifting in the 21st century, especially among the socially downtrodden. Con Rudolph's character is not actually public domain. You assume he is, but he isn't. Any reference to him will require paying money to The Rudolph Company, LP. That will surely be a pain in the ass to pretty much everyone. After Santa's lucrative deal with Coca-Cola for the past 85 years, do we really want another Christmas icon owned by a corporation? The glitter of commercialism, indeed.

Frosty the Snowman Pro A composition of inanimate water that came to life by some sort of black magic. Is there anything more Christmassy? Though a little slow in the head, Frosty is the ultimate symbol of winter fun. We need his positive attitude to make snow and ice suck just a little less. Plus, he has that whole "death and resurrection" backstory that makes the perfect parallel to birthday boy Jesus Christ. Con A mere 1°C and he's dead. He can't survive anything beyond even a slightly tolerabe winter's day. We thought Santa Claus was immortal and look what happened. We don't need a leader of Christmas who's literally as fragile as ice.

Krampus Pro Who knew Christmas had its own demon? He has mass appeal among many who are tired of the schaltz and materialism of the holiday season and desire to inject it with a little edge and good old fashion values. He's particularly popular among conservatives for his "tough on naughtiness" platform. Under Krampus, Christmas could become a time of spooky fun, like Halloween, and less a time of stress and feigning merriment. Con He's scary as all hell. We lie to our kids and tell that them monsters aren't real to protect their innocence. Do we really want one sneaking into their bedrooms and beating the crap out of them? Beating them is our job! Sure, he'll take some of the stress of punishment off our backs, but our kids being less bratty is not worth the permanent trauma and years of therapy bills.

Third party contenders

The Grinch Pro Like Saul on the road to Demascus, the mean one Mr. Grinch was once a persecutor of Christmas. Then one day he saw the light and he's basked in the joy of Christmas ever since. His abnormally large heart full of love is set to fill the hole left by Santa's no longer beating heart. He's already proven he can play the part of Santa near flawlessly with so much as a ramshackle sleigh, a half-assed sewn together Santa suit, and a scrawny little dog who probably doesn't get feed very often. Being a furry monster with a creepy smile, the Grinch could also prove to be a worthy challenger to Krampus. Con Reformed or not, he still stole an entire town's Christmas and was never held accountable for it. Krampus has stated that he will personally make sure the Grinch faces due punishment and sent to Hades for his crimes. Ironically, he probably won't be able to steal votes from other grinches.

Belsnickle Pro All the authority and punishment of Krampus, none of the Satanic overtones. A fur-clad bearded gift-giver, the transition of power to this crotchety old bastard could be a seamless, all the while bringing balance to the Admirable-Impish Duality. Con He's kind of like Santa Claus, except dirty, and worse.

The Nutcracker Pro Forget the Biebs. The Nutcracker is the boy toy of tween girl dreams! An internationally recognized hero for saving that girl from the Mouse King, people who don't even like ballet flock to his play every year to watch his heroic battle and his magical trip through the land of candy and sweets. Unlike that corporate shill Rudolph, all the music from his play is public domain. Con Nutcrackers in general are pretty lame. They're supposed to crack nuts, but do you ever actually crack a nut with one? Nuts suck anyway. Speaking of which, the Nutcracker has yet to live down that "grab 'em by the nuts" comment he made to Billy Bush.

Mr. Hankey Pro A long-time close personal friend of Santa, Mr. Hankey loves Christmas more than any other piece of crap. He's also one of the more progressive choices for Christmas icon, in that he appeals to people of all faiths and political affiliations in this age of PCness. Being pure shit, he's virtually indestructable. Con I can't think of anything wrong with him.

Gizmo Pro Monsters seem to be all the rage this year, and no monster is as adorable as Gizmo. His sweet singing could match the angels themselves. He has all the cuteness of a furby without any profits going to Hasbro. If little yellow buttplugs can rule over the Internet, there's no reason a little furball like Gizmo shouldn't rule over Christmas. He's quite possibly the perfect candidate for these troubling times in that he has experience comforting victims of dead Santas. Perhaps the old Chinese merchant's prediction has come to pass and the world is finally ready for a Mogwai. Con His revulsion to bright lights will be problematic when he encounters houses lit up like the Griswalds. Meanwhile, a creature who can't eat after midnight is not really someone you want your kids to leave milk and cookies out for on Christmas Eve. Given that water is heavily abundant on Earth and surrounds all continents, his ability to reproduce when wet could create a global Tribbles situation. Taking into account the food after midnight rule, he could bring a gremlin apocalypse with his nasty offspring. However, this potential to cause terror and anarchy all over the world might just split the Krampus vote.

Jólakötturinn Pro While we're on the subject of stuff the Internet loves, here's a grumpy cat. This evil Icelandic Yule cat is infamous for eating people who don't receive new clothes before Christmas Eve. Such a beast will make children appreciate the clothes their parents give them as presents. His very existence will also bring attention to the problems of homelessness, either by incentivizing more clothes drives as a matter of life or death, or he'll simply eat the poor and thus solve poverty once and for all. A cat that eats this many people is going to need a pretty large litter box. And a pretty large litter box is going to need public servants to scoop the poop. This will create jobs and boost the still-struggling international economy. Con While the crapping problem is a non-issue, what about the shedding? Christmas will become more synonymous with cat hair than snow. This is especially not fair to people with allergies.

The Yule Lads Pro Why have one big fat Christmas guy when you can have 13 small ones? Also from Iceland, these trolls give out gifts for good children and rotten potatoes for the bad. Though a rotten potato isn't as big of a "fuck you" as lump of coal, it is good for teaching kids organic farming. Plus, Jólakötturinn is essentially their pet, so it's kind of a package deal. Con They really do live up to the 'troll' title. When they're not giving out rotten potatoes, the Yule Lads have been known to be petty theives and annoying dicks. During the 13 nights leading up to Christmas, each of these little bastards will sneak into your house and steal useless crap, like sausage, candles, pots and leftovers in your fridge. That is, when they're not licking spoons, shagging your sheep and slamming doors at the most ungodly hours. At least they don't steal your clothes, lest their little hell cat comes to eat you. Unless their mother eats you first. Yeah, their mother is apparently a giant ogre lady named Grýla who eats children. Do we really want this awful family representing Christmas? We have enough of our own family drama as is.

Perchta Con A Germaic pagan goddess who slits open the stomachs of children, pulls out their guts, fills them with straw and sews them back up. But only if they don't stick to certain rituals, like not spinning fibre during Christmastime. I can't even think of any reason this is a good thing. Seriously, what is with Europeans and Christmas monsters? Why are there so many monsters up for this job? It's as if politics attracts them. I'm sick of it. Give me someone jolly and whimsical, damn it!

Zwarte Piet Pro Oh, for God's sake. Uuuhh.. well, he is jolly and whimsical, like a clown. He is a clown, right? I suppose he could bring a little ethnic diversity to the holidays? Right? Right. Con Nope, sorry, I can't even... seriously, guys? What the shit, Netherlands?

Dennis Kucinich Pro Standing at 4 foot 2, this Democratic Congressman from Ohio won't shy away from his elf heritage or his principles. After the last Christmas icon fell through the Arctic ice, it would be beneficial to have a fierce opponent of Climate Change on such a high platform. His staunch anti-war policies means he has the potential to actually bring us peace on Earth, rather than just paying lip service and wishing for it. While he doesn't have a sleigh pulled by magic reindeer, Kucinich' ties to the UFO industry make for great sky travel. Con Even amongst all these fantasy characters, monsters included, Kucinich comes off as the most ridiculous.