UnNews:Santa Claus' body found floating in the ocean

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

I wonder what songs they'll write about this.

2016 has taken yet another beloved celebrity from us, as the body of Santa Claus was found this morning floating in the Arctic Ocean. As it happened 110 kilometers off the shores of Greenland, a fishing ship netted what they assumed was a particularly heavy load. Unfortunately, it was dead ol' Saint Nick, more frozen a chunk of meat than your Christmas ham.

Satellite images show that Santa's workshop no longer exists in its previously established location. An emergency rescue mission confirmed that Santa's entire headquarters had fallen through the ice, killing almost the entire population of Christmas Land. Indeed, several other ships have reported spotting little frozen elves floating in the icy waters. The only known survivors are some sentient snowmen and a handful of flying reindeer. No reports of Mrs. Claus' body have yet surfaced.

Environmentalists blame the Claustastrophy on the effects of Climate Change. Bob Peary, glacier scientist and head of the Institution to Save the Ambiguously Sexual Polar Bears...on Ice! was a little more conservative on the question of environmental damage. "It is very likely that global warming played a significant part in Kris Kringle's death, but if you ask me, it was a very stupid idea live at the North Pole in the first place. Have you actually looked at a globe? I mean, one without the little plastic compass thing on top? There's no land there. It's really just a thin sheet of ice. It's highly impractical and, frankly, unwise to set up permanent residence at the North Pole. Much less a workshop full of thousands of busy midgets, billions of toys, livestock and a morbidly obese guy. I'm surprised the fat bastard didn't drown a long time ago."

Santa's funeral is to be held this Friday at Fairyland's Cathedral of Pixies and Eternal Cheerfulness. His remains will be brought back to the mortal realm to have his ashes placed in a giant mall snowglobe so that children will be able to meet Santa one last Christmas.

Children of the world have not been informed of Santa's death, with the media and the news opting to discuss it after hours and grown-ups talking about it in hushed tones. Instead, the adults will buy their children's presents and claim they were from Santa as if nothing happened, leaving his absence a secret to be revealed when they're older.

The untimely death of Santa Claus comes a little over a week after the United States cancelled Thanksgiving. President Obama has assured Americans that there are no plans among the nations of the world to cancel Christmas as well. However, with Father Christmas himself now dead as a doornail, days of Christmas yet to come seem very grim.

Sources

• Hans Anderson "Mourning at the Poles: Kris was Frozen Today" Arendelle Times, December 6, 2016