UnNews:Thanksgiving is cancelled
Monday, November 21, 2016
USA, AMERICA -- 2016, the year that keeps on taking, will also be remembered as the year without a Turkey Day after Congress voted to abort America's forgotten middle-child holiday. The vote came in response to, to quote the actual bill, "shit gone down", citing 2016's legacy of dead celebrities, gorilla martyrs, homeless refugees, increasing racial strife, widespread political instability and Western civilization lurching to the right like we just had a massive stroke. We have absolutely nothing to be thankful for.
The bill was proposed by Massachusetts Democrat Elizabeth Warren, who holds a personal grudge against Thanksgiving due to her rich Native American heritage. The bill was voted for unanimously by both the House and the Senate. Even Republicans, despite coming out on top in the recent election, voted in favor of the resolution, believing that their win, like your grandma's stuffing, was a tad too bitter to enjoy. The unanimity of the bill across party lines serves as proof that the one thing everyone can agree on is that this year, this country, everything and life itself sucks.
President Obama signed the bill enthusiastically, joking, "Better to be a lame duck than a jive turkey! That's right. I'm allowed to talk black now. Crackers."
The one state exempt from the Thanksgiving ban is Illinois, due to the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series for the first time in more than a century. Cubs fans across the nation will resume bowing their heads to give thanks this Thursday, since it appears baseball is the only aspect of society God pays attention to anymore.
A whopping 71% of Americans seem to agree with the ban, as shown by both polls and the cold turkey pile-up in the nation's garbage dumps. Despite all this gloomy wallowing, President-elect Donald Trump and many of his ardent supporters oppose the measure to cancel Thanksgiving, calling its proponents a bunch of unpatriotic sore losers. Speaking at one of the post-election rallies he throws for himself because he's a whore:
Within an hour after the speech, "#Trumpsgiving" went viral, mostly because @realDonaldTrump wouldn't stop tweeting about it. Posted on Trump's website is an e-vite for supporters to send an RSVP along with a hefty donation for entry. The e-vite also laid out what foods can and cannot be brought as potluck (nothing ethnic). In addition to a feast, a Trumpsgiving™ Day parade will also be held down Fifth Avenue, sponsored by The Trump Foundation. The parade will feature a giant helium balloon of the giant gasbag himself, followed by countless creative floats each mocking individuals on his enemies list. Word has it from insiders that it's far more impressive than the sorry-ass "Greetings from Santa Cruz!" parade Ted Cruz threw last Christmas.
Trump would later promise that once Trumpsgiving™ was a success, he'd have Congress draft legislation to officially replace the old Thanksgiving with the revitalized one as part of his administration's mission to bring America back to 1621.
Trump's advisors, however, informed him that his plan to take over Thanksgiving was essentially the plot to an episode of Regular Show. To which he responded, "Really? Eh, I've always been more of a DuckTales fan." The President-elect is reportedly still singing the DuckTales theme as of the time of this writing.
- Mordecai Rigby "How the Donald Stole Thanksgiving" Regular Show, November 25, 2013