Marble race
Marble races are races, commonly occuring in absurdlandia, where marbles bang their heads on obstacles, hoping they don't fall off the track. If they do, they have lost the marble race. Sometimes, marbles that do fall off the track are given a second chance. However, the marble you are rooting for does more than fall off the track by going bat fuck insane. That marble doesn't and shouldn't get a second chance. You backed all your life savings on the wrong marble. Don't worry though, as it's just a marble race. Don't lose your marbles over it.
Parts
There are a few key components to a successful marble race. This section will list those components, in order of requirement.
Marbles
You clearly need marbles. What's a marble race without marbles? You can't use cubes obviously. They have to be coloured, with colours from red to blue to...mauveine? Marble races are inclusive, so all colours are welcome...except for dark grey, because the whole world is equally prejudiced against dark grey. The marbles should all have the same size and weight because of fairness. Marble races are all about fairness.
Track
The track is what the marbles must go through before achieving their goal of success. This is what makes a marble race different from roulette or pinball.
Eliminations
We don't want everyone to be a winner. There's got to be some eliminations involved. As said in the main paragraph, without eliminations, everyone wins, and there's no fun. At Uncyclomedia, Inc., we value fun. So, we strictly say that if there's no eliminations, there's no race. As seen in the image to the right, there are indeed some eliminations. Hence, it is a marble race.
There are several ways to eliminate marbles and decide who wins. Some are more consistent than others. Here are a few ideas:
- Keep it constant
- The most basic way to eliminate marbles is to nitpick them one at a time. Or two. Or five. Whatever floats your boat. The point is that the number of eliminations doesn't change. This is boring because nobody really cares about an unchanging number. You always know when it ends.
- Add randomized rejoins
- Rejoins are the anti-Christ of marble races. The only good thing they do is give fans of that marble a little bit of dopamine. They are called "randomized" rejoins even though they are biased towards the marbles that nobody wants to rejoin.
- Add vote rejoins
- Oh, you think this is better than a randomized rejoin? YOU REALLY DO?? Well fuck you then because the rejoiner is blue. Everyone saw that coming. At least randomized rejoins are biased to the marbles nobody wants because they're boring. A vote rejoin gives all the fan favorites and main charactrs a huge advantage over marbles like brown or green.
- Add a debut
- Probably the best option here. People can add their own colors, like red, ultramarine, maroon, pichu, red, and UNCYC10P3D143NJ0Y3R346. Yeah, you can see how this can get out of hand. At the very least, it allows for underrated marbles to join the fight for victory.
- Multiple victors
- Not everyone can be a winner, but that doesn't mean more than one person can be a winner. Unfortunately, people get into flame wars over whether money green or caesium won the race.
- Decreasing eliminations
- If you get eliminated late in the race, it's even more embarrasing since there aren't as many marbles who were eliminated with you, if any. Even then, those marbles might be olive or... any color more ugly than olive. You get the point.
Things not in marble races
Did you expect me to include penises in a marble race? I would not do that. Some spectators who watch have penises, but penises themselves don't participate. It is a marble race, not a cock race. The point is to race solid round balls, not show off one's manhood. Additionally, unlike the popular belief, marbles do not have nor grow penises. While they are conscious beings with cares, desires and agency, they lack most body parts that most animals have, including genitals.
Colour camps
Colour camps are like social bubbles where marbles of the same colour share their similar values and demonise marbles of other colours with competing values. This often takes place on a social media platform, usually Discord or YouTube. This is mostly a distraction from actual racing, because no one cares about marble identity politics or their extremist ideologies. People just want to see races. However, doing this does a lot to get the marbles funded by sponsors who align with their values, so it is a necessary evil. Red marbles tend to be sponsored by big pharmacies, investment banks, and sweatshops, while blue marbles are funded by North Korea. Wearing logos is banned in marble races, because again, people just want to see solid balls racing down a track, not online flame wars.
Marble racing and children
Marble racing began with children rolling them down the stairs. Give them anything and they will use it until it breaks and they then blame it on the dog or something. At some point, adults took over and made it a lot more serious. Today, marbles will dedicate their whole lives to racing. They will give up their cushy jobs, spend little time with their family, and train how best to roll down wooden tracks. They will spend months finding ways to shave mere seconds off their time. This is a long way from the early days where poor children bought marbles for a tuppence and then threw them towards holds in the mud. Yet, some of those very marbles that the boys played with went on to become super stars in the marble racing world, marrying super models and many of them losing it all to coke addictions once all the glory ended. They yearned for the days when they were just simple marbles on humble streets being played with by wretched children.
The future of marble racing
Automated marble racing took off in the form of pinball but failed in the 90s. Digital marble racing is starting to become a thing, meaning AI is likely to take jobs away from hard working marbles. However, the ancient tradition of marble racing (and online identity political flame wars that come with it) may hold on. It very well might just be a custom that the digital world cannot conquer. Hopefully, real solid physical marbles will be racing until global warming sets the planet on fire.
See also
- Colors
- Color regulations
- Competitive eating (it's a competition, just like a marble race)
