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Marble race

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A set of common paints used for dyeing marbles

Marble races are races, commonly occuring in absurdlandia, where marbles bang their heads on obstacles, hoping they don't fall off the track. If they do, they have lost the marble race. Sometimes, marbles that do fall off the track are given a second chance. However, the marble you are rooting for does more than fall off the track by going bat fuck insane. That marble doesn't and shouldn't get a second chance. You backed all your life savings on the wrong marble. Don't worry though, as it's just a marble race. Don't lose your marbles over it.

Parts

A finished marble race in action

There are a few key components to a successful marble race. This section will list those components, in order of requirement.

Marbles

You clearly need marbles. What's a marble race without marbles? You can't use cubes obviously. They have to be coloured, with colours from red to blue to...mauveine? Marble races are inclusive, so all colours are welcome...except for dark grey, because the whole world is equally prejudiced against dark grey. The marbles should all have the same size and weight because of fairness. Marble races are all about fairness.

Track

The track is what the marbles must go through before achieving their goal of success. This is what makes a marble race different from roulette or pinball.

Eliminations

We don't want everyone to be a winner. There's got to be some eliminations involved. As said in the main paragraph, without eliminations, everyone wins, and there's no fun. At Uncyclomedia, Inc., we value fun. So, we strictly say that if there's no eliminations, there's no race. As seen in the image to the right, there are indeed some eliminations. Hence, it is a marble race.

Things not in marble races

Did you expect me to include penises in a marble race? I would not do that. Some spectators who watch have penises, but penises themselves don't participate. It is a marble race, not a cock race. The point is to race solid round balls, not show off one's manhood. Additionally, unlike the popular belief, marbles do not have nor grow penises. While they are conscious beings with cares, desires and agency, they lack most body parts that most animals have, including genitals.

Colour camps

Colour camps are like social bubbles where marbles of the same colour share their similar values and demonise marbles of other colours with competing values. This often takes place on a social media platform, usually Discord or YouTube. This is mostly a distraction from actual racing, because no one cares about marble identity politics or their extremist ideologies. People just want to see races. However, doing this does a lot to get the marbles funded by sponsors who align with their values, so it is a necessary evil. Red marbles tend to be sponsored by big pharmacies, investment banks, and sweatshops, while blue marbles are funded by North Korea. Wearing logos is banned in marble races, because again, people just want to see solid balls racing down a track, not online flame wars.

Marble racing and children

Marble racing began with children rolling them down the stairs. Give them anything and they will use it until it breaks and they then blame it on the dog or something. At some point, adults took over and made it a lot more serious. Today, marbles will dedicate their whole lives to racing. They will give up their cushy jobs, spend little time with their family, and train how best to roll down wooden tracks. They will spend months finding ways to shave mere seconds off their time. This is a long way from the early days where poor children bought marbles for a tuppence and then threw them towards holds in the mud. Yet, some of those very marbles that the boys played with went on to become super stars in the marble racing world, marrying super models and many of them losing it all to coke addictions once all the glory ended. They yearned for the days when they were just simple marbles on humble streets being played with by wretched children.

The future of marble racing

Automated marble racing took off in the form of pinball but failed in the 90s. Digital marble racing is starting to become a thing, meaning AI is likely to take jobs away from hard working marbles. However, the ancient tradition of marble racing (and online identity political flame wars that come with it) may hold on. It very well might just be a custom that the digital world cannot conquer. Hopefully, real solid physical marbles will be racing until global warming sets the planet on fire.

See also

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