User:Jakokeefy

{This is a rewrite of a page that is in "a terrible state", but the original certainly had potential. It is currently a work in progress by a new committed author.}

Perth
Motto: Where??
Civic anthem: "Leaving the city for the mines" by Delta Goodrem
State	Western Australia
Official nickname	Dullsville
Official language(s)	Self-absorbed banter in 'Straylyan
Mayor	Lisa Scaffidi
Established	1829
Currency	Tall Poppy Dollars / General Compla-cents-y
Opening hours	9:00am to 4.45pm (Monday to Friday)
Population	Not many

Perth is the capital and largest city in the State of Western Australia. It has a warm and pleasant climate, vast sandy beaches, and a couple of "iconic" buildings that are probably worth a mention. The City prides itself in being slightly below average – it is the fourth largest city in Australia, the fourth most populated, and the fourth wettest. In 2010 Perth tied for eighth place in The Economist’s list of the World’s Most Liveable Cities, along with Baghdad and Mogadishu. Astronaut John Glenn dubbed it “The City of Light” when he traveled over Perth in a spacecraft in 1962. Today though, it is known by its locals more affectionately as “Dullsville”. Inhabitants are known as "Perthites" [pron perth◦ights], and pride themselves in being able to talk about the weather more often, and for longer periods of time, than their Melbourne counterparts.

History

Colonisation of Perth is documented as occurring in 1829, though sightings of the region date back as early as 1697. Perthites fondly recognise Captain James Stirling as Perth’s founder, whose Wife cut down a tree to commemorate Perth’s birth. Lesser recorded is the crushing of Stirling’s Wife, who sadly had not thought to move out of the way when the tree fell.

For over 40,000 years prior, the area was home to the Noongar people. Disregarded by the European settlers as a separate tribe from their eastern relatives, they were all heaped under the term “Australian Aboriginal” and classed as flora and fauna (or “wildlife” for short). With thousands of years’ knowledge of the land, it was realised that the Noongar people might come in handy and were enslaved by the new occupants of the region. Until 1969, Aboriginal children across the nation were taken from their families and taught to be white. The period is referred to as the Stolen generation. In 1992 however, the High Court of Australia ruled that this was all a bit unfair after an Aboriginal from Queensland complained, and subsequently the Australian Aboriginal was promoted from “wildlife” to “furniture”.

In December 2007, after a 15-year-long standoff, Australia’s short-lived (and somewhat dim-witted) Prime Minister Kevin Rudd courageously apologised. At last, the blame of over 200 years of mistreatment was placed on someone – all modern-day white Australian’s. Countless lawsuits ensued.

With such a dark history behind them Perthites prefer to leave the past in the past, and concentrate on more important things in life – like the weather.

Climate

Perth’s climate is arguably its most favourable feature. In line with most Perthites, the city believes it is “just here to have a good time, mate”, and frequently tells people “no worries, mate”. The weather has a 9 to 5 job that it hates, takes frequent sick leaves, and abhors working overtime. It works alternate Fridays, and sometimes will just not show up because it is “worried about its barometer readings”. In the winter it rains a lot and the temperature is an average 20°c, whilst in the summer it rains and the temperature is an average 28°c. Most locals can recount the temperature and rainfall every day for up to 6 weeks with great accuracy, and the climate of Perth soaks up the attention. So much attention in fact, that it has somewhat reached the status of a local celebrity, and it is rumoured that it may be moving to Melbourne to host a FoxTel program. So long as the temperature is below 32°c, Perthites know the weather as a “pretty decent bloke”.

In layman’s (or weatherman’s) terms, perhaps an even better bloke is the “Fremantle Doctor”, a south westerly wind that blows in from Fremantle during the summer. At 3pm every day without fail, Perth suburbs are cooled by the Doctor and working locals leave work early - usually complaining of feeling sick - to spend more time with the weather.

Education

Like the city itself, Perth’s education system is pretty average. Children who are born with intelligent genes generally have them whittled away by the poor level of education and become average adults. Children who are born with intelligent jeans however, generally find themselves stitching together 501’s at the age of three.

OLD ARTICLE BELOW

Perth has recently gone through some major educational changes. Children in Perth have been educated poorly for generations but nothing has changed due to those dumb kids, growing up to be dumb lazy adults, too lazy to do anything about anything. This is part of the reason why nothing ever happens in Perth. The educational system has recently been changed from the clown collage in perth to the clown collage from the rest of the country so everyone can be dumb together.

Before the change

• Evolution? Like in Pokémon?
• When i grow up, i want to be a milk man!
• Yes, the teachers supervise the change rooms.

After the change

• No. Evolution is stupid o_0
• When i grow up i want to be an emotional wreck lying in the foetal position on my couch!
• When i grow up i want to be an emotional wreck lying

Perth students take pride in the choice of school they attend, especially those who attend private schools. After being asked to leave in Year 12 for poor potential TEE scores they will migrate further north of the coast or kick their parents out of their home, to become a coffee mum (women) or a typical dulls-vile city worker.

Notable Locations and Landmarks

Contrary to popular belief, Perth has notable locations and landmarks. They are frequented by locals and tourists alike. The notable locations and landmarks enjoy a certain degree of smugness. They are also very shiny, and might also be moving to Melbourne.

Perth locals know the landmarks like the back of their palm. That is because there are only three of them. They are:

Garden City

Garden City is an iconic, award-winning, internationally acclaimed shopping mall located in the Perth suburb of Booragoon. It has a large trading area spanning a total of one floor, and contains all the trendiest retail stores in Perth, such as Myers and K-Mart. Garden City is a bit like Mall of America, just without the theme parks, skylights, fountains, escalators, aquariums, restaurants and retail outlets. Locals regularly conduct searches for the “Lost Gardens of Garden City”, because Garden City doesn’t actually have a garden.

Centro Galleria

This colossus stands in the middle of industrial Morley, standing above all other warehouses and retail outlet, and boasts the largest congregation of bogans in Perth while on a Thursday night. It is a major attraction of Perth mainly for it's wide variety of fashion outlets and variety shops including the world renowned Targét, Colés, The Footy Shop and Supré. From a pair of thongs to a Bintang Beer shirt the combinations of accessories and fashion wear is endless. Or if you prefer that "scene" look you can ask for the hairdressers to give you a blind hair cut. A speciality of Perth it can be a lucky dip as to what colours and cut you have. Depending on the outcome you can become a rejection in the Perth social life or a facebook/myspace personality.

Bell Tower

Bell Tower is an iconic, award-winning, internationally acclaimed…structure, located near the banks of Swan River. Some people claim there are bells in the Bell Tower, but they seem to be very well hidden from public view. Not many people know what the Bell Tower is for other than storing the said mysterious bells, however it proves to be quite useful for tourists to stand in front of and take pictures. It is therefore said to be boosting Perth’s tourism industry and international reputation. It has regular lightshows which are very impressive and lauded by critics and tourists.

Wellington Street Station

Wellington Street Station is an iconic, award-winning, internationally acclaimed train station in the City of Perth. It is operated by Transperth, the company that runs the public transport in Perth. This is one of the trendiest hotspots in the city, and is where most of Perth’s young people (and old people) go to hang out. Like a nightclub, the later it is the wilder it gets. It also comes with the Transperth officials who act as bouncers.

Daylight Savings

Besides talking about the weather, Perth residents are also very passionate about daylight savings. The debate over daylight savings has polarized the state of Western Australia for decades, much like how the debate over abortion has polarized the United States. Several referendums were held, each resulting in a firm “against”. The last referendum was held in 2009, with 46% voting yes and 54% voting no, and as a result daylight savings will not be implemented.

A three-year trial period for daylight savings was held prior to the 2009 referendum, and this resulted in vocal protests by anti-daylight savings groups. The government were likened to Nazis and Communists, much like how in Germany and Russia, totalitarian governments who committed mass genocide were likened to Nazis and Communists. Many Perth residents believe that daylight savings is a slippery slope to socialism, will cause skin cancer, and will cause curtains to fade and somehow confuse the cows. It might also cause total economic collapse and damage Perth’s international reputation. Protests and riots have erupted on several occasions...no wait...they haven’t, because nothing happens in Perth. Now that they have decided to not adopt daylight savings, pro-daylight savings anarchist groups have formed. They refused to be silenced and vowed to fight so that the voices of the minority can be heard.

Culture

Contrary to popular belief, Perth has a culture. However Perth’s culture is very elusive and likes to disguise itself as cultures of other more interesting places. Also, not many people know that Perth has an art gallery, or any sort of cultural activity for that matter, and even people who know it exists don't know where it is or what it's called.

Music

Contrary to popular belief, famous musicians tour in Perth. On average a tour happens once every ten years. For this decade the artist to tour Perth is Beyonce, who performed at the Burswood Entertainment Complex, which is the only place for concerts to be performed in Perth. It is also the only place for any large scale event of any sort to be held in Perth, and by large I mean slightly bigger than small. The Beyonce concert will be talked about for the next ten years, especially the weather at the Beyonce concert which will also be Twittered and set to Facebook statuses.

Nightlife

Contrary to popular belief, Perth has a nightlife. There have been reports of residents experiencing this so-called “nightlife”, and it was recently proven by a sociology study that this “nightlife” exists. The “nightlife” can be found in places like the Perth district of Northbridge, a place that is supposed to have the highest crime rate in Perth. Locals will readily tell you about the time when they were in Northbridge and was stared at by people who are “hell dodge”, and possibly in gangs. Usually nothing happens, as is always the case in Perth, but in the rare occasion that they do get beat up, they will remember to tell you about the weather on that day too.

Wikipedia Feature

The Hamersley suburb of Perth was featured on the front page of Wikipedia on April 14th, 2007. The article was deemed top quality by the community at Wikipedia, and reached the status of “Featured article”. A celebration of this event was held by the city council on the day. Perth’s mayor Lisa Scaffidi said in a speech that the Wikipedia feature had raised Perth’s international reputation and will be a boost to Perth’s tourism industry, with ten more tourists already flocking to Perth. The property value in Hamersley had also tripled, and it has now become the most desirable place to live in Perth.

Transportation and Infrastructure

The transportation and infrastructure in Perth is world-class, and consists of several highways and a train. Besides talking about the weather and daylight savings, Perth locals also like to talk about the transportation in Perth, or more precisely, talk about other people’s inability to merge in traffic. One of the ways to get a Perth local very upset is to merge incorrectly, as they are convinced that everyone in Perth with the exception of themselves can’t drive, and will not hesitate to tell other people about this.

Transport

To get to the pubs or beaches, Perthites must risk life and limb by driving on West Australian "roads" along with all of the other lunatics that are trying to make their way to the nearest watering hole. Obeying road rules is purely optional whilst trying to get to a pub and gestures such as fingersigns and mooning are encouraged. Speed limit signs serve no purpose other than as shooting targets. NO Perth driver has the ability to merge their car in traffic or can distinguish "left" and "right" ("no, the other left") and this usually results in huge clusterfucks of traffic jams, especially around the aptly named Narrows Bridge. Drivers that claim to have the ability to merge in traffic are liars and are immediately shot and fed to a dingo.

Construction of the new Southern Line. A small number of highly skilled and over paid "Guest Workers" fill the "skills gap"

In 1999, traffic on the Narrows Bridge got too bad, so they built another identical one next to it. Just after this second Narrows bridge was completed in 2003, the government decided that building a train line down the middle of the two would look quite nice, thus dooming the bridge and its commuters to another 4 years of construction work. And its because of this construction that the freeway has now become a suburban street/parking lot with speed zones of 60-80kmph, instead of the usual 100kmph. And who is to say that the construction of the train line is going to solve the traffic problems for southwards. It definitely didn't for north!

It should also be noted that Perth drivers exhibit a number of interesting peculiarities:

If it rains - they stop. If its foggy - they stop. If the wind is blowing - they stop. If there is a 'D' in the day - they stop. If road works are in progress - they stop. If a car stops on the side of the road - they stop. If a motorcyclist has an accident and police are in attendance - they stop. If a motorcyclist has an accident and no police - they swerve around the scene and keep going.

NOTE: This is because motorcyclists are pure evil, and are often to be found breaking all laws, so you have to stay away from them or run them down if you are brave enough. Perth drivers are also renowned for slowing down when driving into tunnels and it gets that dark they cannot see the light switch so they do 40klm until they get out the other side. It would be very easy to think that the ultimate Perth driver would be seventy years old, wearing a lawn bowls hat and driving a Volvo truck, but in most cases they are 45 and driving a Mercedes Vito van. Other than that, Perth has the only drivers in Australia who do not know how to merge, use indicators or mirrors.

If a Perth driver is leaving Fremantle via Leach Highway and is going to turn right somewhere in, say, Riverton, 25km away, they will (a) move _immediately_ into the right hand lane; (b) drive at 40km/hr so that they don't miss the turn; and (c) indicate at least 5km before they reach their intersection. Also, a typical Perth driver will _always_ stop before turning a corner, regardless of whether they are turning left or right, and whether there is any reason to do so.

Motorcyclists in Perth are considered a suicide risk, as anybody who would try to ride a motorcycle through Perth traffic must have a death-wish. The police, however, have come up with a new evil machine to combat this - the MULTANOVA, which is now set to take your happy snap at 2kph over the limit (NB - no speedometer on earth is that accurate, not even in those in Porsches, so enjoy your fines). Sitting behind trees, it takes photos of innocent drivers who are goink 10 ks below the limit, but they've all been tweaked by those cops who want all that money. Bet they spend it on donuts. Perth Street Bike riders are considered a great scapegoat by both the media, government and certain chairpersons of Safety Councils. Obviously it is a lot easier to have new laws introduced if the public can be convinced it will target the heinous motorcycle riders. Typical of Perth drivers though is that they fail to realise that these law changes will soon be catching them in far greater quanities than they ever would catch motorcyclists.

The skies may be bright, but it sure as hell doesn't mean the drivers are.

As bad as the motor cyclists are, there is nothing more dangerous and irritating than the Bicycle cult, hell bent on an agenda of world domination which they call a "green future". On their way to work or back home motorists must constantly swerve around these cult cyclists in fear of their lives. This causes heavy congestion and makes people even later than they already are due to perth roads. Most frightlingly, even though a driver may have passed a cyclist, as soon as they think they are safe at some traffic stop, lo and behold the cyclist overtakes them, taking up an entire lane as if it is some kind of god given right. This is their greatest method of recruitment, motorists who are frustrated with both roads and cyclists, throw their hands up in the air and say "if you can't beat them join 'em". As irritating as the cult is, nothing can be done about them as they seem to have infiltrated high places in the government. The cults graffittee can be seen on walls around the most congested of roads, mocking motorists with propaganda like "cycle instead you idiot".

A classic example of Perth's "unique" road system is the principal artery connecting the Perth CBD to the port city of Fremantle. This is officially designated as "Stirling Highway" although in any other city it would probably be designated "Track". It is a two-lane single carriageway for its entire length and in a bizarre twist of urban planning, has more traffic lights than intersections. Vehicles turning right are not provided with slip-lanes, meaning they must stop in the right hand lane blocking traffic. The left hand lane is mostly taken up by bus stops, which for some reason are placed in the middle of the lane rather than in a siding. This combination frequently results in both lanes of traffic being blocked for long periods of time. Stirling Highway is, of course, just one example of Perth's transport infrastructure, which is studied world-over as a perfect example of How Not To Build A City.

Perth also boasts an international airport, which may handle several people in a day, depending on whether the small crash-prone planes make it to their destination. It has also yet to discover the wonders of having baggage trolleys. Most people using the airport are leaving Perth to find a better life in a small hole somewhere out in the Australian desert. Due to these increases in passenger numbers there are complaints that at peak times there may be a car parked along the drive to the carpark, causing another driver to slow down to the speed limit briefly on their otherwise uninterrupted journey. There are also occasionally flights to Indonesia, but most pilots simply choose to land on a highway in an effort to bypass the airports customs, which can take between 10 to 20 decades to go through.

Politics

See also Westerreich (Westralia, Western Australia the "Western Realm")

Western Australia's state political authority is the Labor fifth reich government.

Policies

Led by Alan Carpenter, successor to Geoff Gallop, Labor apparently has made many key policy developments to the empire of Western Australia. Apparently Alan Carpenter likes to stay in touch with the issues facing all Western Australians. By doing this he is able to identify ways to distract the vocal minority, like introducing hoon laws, whilst his off siders fuck us up the arse with the highest stamp duty rates in Australia and running down public hospitals so that you attend one just to be transferred to a better run/funded Private hospital, thus avoiding the Private hospital admision fee not covereed by you health care plan.

"At Cottesloe beach, I received a move on notice. Then I saw Alan Carpenter in ghost form.... then one of his boys took me down to the station."

OBH drinker from the country

Labor key strategies aren’t just about touching little boys though. The Labor Government is raping the current strong economy to build a better future for all Labor safe seats. Thus allowing him to remain in office long enough to acually finish a train line several elections in the making, mostly due to the fact its development was overseen by a drink driving woman, with bad fashion sense and a chip on her shoulder so big it should get her the green vote.

Future policies

"We are looking at taking over NSW, Sydney, Adelaide, Melbourne and maybe a bit of asia... oh yes and ultimately Tasmania" "The Holy Roman Empire must unite" "Death to the Tasmanian"

They know that Western Australia’s economy is booming, they are building new infrastructure.

"The public euthanasia program aims at addressing the needs of Westralians" "The public euthanasia program aims at developing special infrastructure on rottnest island that will deal with the ideological requirement's of the Labor's 5th Reich"

Other plans for the Reich this year include the public transport authority with new train stations that will allow us to deal with any Tasmanians we have.

"If beer technology relies on Tasmanian blood, then we will have to do without beer technology for a while"

"There will be no impurities on Westralian soil"

Michelle Roberts, leader of the fifth Reich

In addition to the public euthanasia program for Tasmanians, the latest police campaign has been finding the serial killer"

"many have already lost digits"

"They were all pure blood"

Michelle Roberts, leader of the fifth Reich

New developments

Building new train stations will give exciting new opportunities to commuting Australians. “The new Perth to Rottnest line will allow us to deal with any Tasmanians” Oh yes and they won't be getting a refund on any multi riders either.

Director General Brett Inchley

Current policy

Labor is not just about building the Southern Suburbs railway or saying no to WA becoming a nuclear waste dump and rejecting poker machines. “The key elements in implementing a backwards state is not about just walking or talking backwards, you have to do everything backwards from the ground down.

Labour fifth Reich is also ensuring restricted practices on trading hours; you must prevent freedom of speech.

"If you say nothing no harm will come to you"

"We will oppress John Howard's radical energy schemes. Ultimately you must have pictures of Muslims that look like terrorists on our party website. Only then is true backwards ideology present and functional”

Labor is building key infrastructure to give the state a landmark feature. The Michell Roberts gaping vagina (aka the "blood belcher") tower is also being built adjacement to the Richard Court sisaemic erection Tower. The estimated completion date is 2009.

Former Police Minister Michelle Roberts and fellow Former Police Minister John D"Orazio unveil the State's new graffiti action policy.

The Western Australian Labor Government are making decisions for tomorrow, not just for today. Messages like ““If you drink and drive you will get caught”, “planning an Easter break?” , “Do a burn out and we'll cut your balls off” "Tasmanian: Not welcome!" are just some of the messages that we are telling people. Our scare tactics are working.

Footnotes

  AustraliaSo where the bloody hell are you?

PAGES OF REFERENCE

http://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/File:Perth_Wiki_main_page.PNG