Cape Breton Island
People’s Republic of Cape Breton God’s Country (Gaelic) | |||||
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| Motto: "Yer not Buddy MacDonald’s daughter from Margaree are ya?" | |||||
| Anthem: Mull River Shuffle | |||||
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| Capital | Meat Cove | ||||
| Largest city | The Highland Village | ||||
| Official language(s) | Drunk Jibberish, Franglais, Albanian | ||||
| Government | Overseas colony of Ontario | ||||
| ‑ Monarch | Frankie MacDonald | ||||
| ‑ President | Jimmy Rankin | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Non-existent (…yet) | ||||
| Currency | Pogey, drugs | ||||
| Population | 11 in winter, 15 in summer | ||||
| Major exports | Underground slave trade to Alberta | ||||
| Major imports | EI cheques | ||||
| Drives on | Potholes | ||||
Cape Breton is an island paradise located in eastern Canada in northeastern Nova Scotia. It has approximately three billion inhabitants, ruled with an iron fist by the malevolent General John Gnatiuk and his glorious new regime. It contains the cities of Glace Bay, Ingonish, Sydney, New Waterford, and the peaceful, drug and violence-free tranquility of the Sydney Mines area. Cape Breton is known for its roaring economy, clean-living lifestyles, tropical climate, pothole-free roads, and the generally hard-working attitudes of its people. In 2010 an actual national study ranked Cape Breton the "least intelligent" area of Canada which, sadly, is no joke.
... lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Climate[edit | edit source]
Hot and arid. Cape Breton is known for its tropical climate year round. The average annual temperature is between 90 and 95 degrees Fahrenheit (32–35 Celsius). That's pretty fuckin' warm, man. The only place on Cape Breton which has ever recorded snow is the peak of Kelly's Mountain, which, at over eighty thousand feet, is the tallest mountain in the world. Jetsetters from all across Europe and the US flock to Cape Breton in January and February to escape cold winter temperatures and to experience Cape Breton's vibrant nightlife.
Highways[edit | edit source]
Highway 125 is the pinnacle of the Canadian driving experience, perhaps the ultimate in driving altogether. Virtually all of the world's serious competitive drivers train here in preparation for the big race. German-engineered cars are known for their impeccable performance and craftsmanship; highway 125 completes the driving equation. This is a world-class, twenty-lane superhighway where cars are barely a blur as they whiz safely past.
Railways[edit | edit source]
If Highway 125 wasn't impressive enough, Cape Breton also boasts a class of high-speed trains that travel at 513 km/hr on electrified rails that provide state-of-the-art passenger service between Sydney and Northern Quebec. A shitload (Imperial, not metric) of bi-current locomotives and matching cars were specially designed by local geniuses for this task and constructed at the Gabarus Industrial Plant.
Attractions[edit | edit source]
- Bruce Gouthro Unexceptional local musician. No one is quite sure exactly why he's famous, though it's believed to be because he knows Gordie Sampson.
- Rollies Upper class bar and lounge for fisherman and underaged patrons; won in a high-stakes poker game by the Barra McNeils from the Rankin Family.
- The Giant Fiddle Endowed to Cape Breton by the Jolly Green Giant after Cape Breton won its independence from Greenland.
- Wendy's on Welton Street They're always hiring and now offer bonus sexual harassment for every employee completing training.
- Cape Breton Regional Police Force Known for corruption and indifference, a thriving donut industry has sprouted up around them, helping the local economy. Since they won't get out of their cars on wet days, CB'ers have learned that they can drive as fast as they want when it rains.
- The Henry Street Pub (more commonly known as "The Thistle") is a charming, elegant English establishment serving Sydney's aristocracy. No shootings have been reported for close to three months now.
- Sydney Harbour You'll smell it before you see it.
- Centre 200 Home ice for the NHL's illustrious "Original 7" franchise, the Cape Breton Screeching Seagulls.
- The Five Star Gardiner Motel What happens at The Five Star Gardiner Motel stays at The Five Star Gardiner Motel.
- Smooth Herman's Sadly, the nightspot closed for good when Herman's heart exploded after receiving his 14th Covid booster shot.
- Colouring Book University (CBU) Though historically many of Cape Breton's best and brightest young janitors and telemarketers were ejukated here, now CBU serves mainly as Cape Breton's local Marxist Indoctrination Centre.
- The Newfoundland Fairie Will grant wishes, but will also slip you roofies and take advantage of you if you aren't careful.
- The Englishtown Fairie Doesn't grant wishes, but can hook you up with a season pass to the Giant MacAskill Museum.
- Meat Cove Cape Breton's lavish playground to jetsetters, fashion models, and millionaires. Kardashian sightings are routine. Joe Biden often leaves top-secret classified documents here.
- Kelly's Mountain The tallest mountain in the world at 80,000 feet. Known for its scenic beauty and Sasquatch abductions.
- Paramount Cape Breton Wonderland Known more commonly as Hinchey's Rides & Amusements. Feeling up New Waterford girls on the ferris wheel has been a rite of passage for local teenage boys for decades.
- Fortress of Louisbourg The largest and most modern military complex in Canada. Should Putin ever get any fucking ideas, Louisbourg will smack his ass down with a well-placed cannonball or two.
- Mayflower Mall Internationally acclaimed shopping! Home of the last remaining Orange Julius location in the universe. If you're lucky, you might get to see new Jeopardy host Frankie MacDonald cleaning up the mess you left in the food court.
- A&K Lick-A-Chick Known for giving you the opportunity to lick an actual chick. Sorry, not that kind of chick.
Canso Causeway[edit | edit source]
The Canso Causeway is a massive bridge-like structure (more than nine thousand times larger than the Golden Gate) that links mainland Nova Scotia to the much wealthier island of Cape Breton. It was constructed by mainlanders in 1987 when Newfoundlanders complained that the only place they could get to from the Nfld. Ferry was Cape Breton.
Wildlife[edit | edit source]
All of Cape Breton's wild animals are currently kept at the Two Rivers Animal Correctional Facility. This is a minimum-security facility, which will house the animals until they overcome their various pharmaceutical addictions and behavioral issues.
Of the wildlife endemic to Cape Breton, perhaps the least known is the Cape Bretonese field lobster. These amorous crustaceans are seldom seen – but their mating calls, which sound similar to discharging shotguns, can often be heard on warm summer nights around the communities of Sydney Mines and Bay St. Lawrence.
The sasquatch is another creature native to Cape Breton. Its habitat is limited to Kelly's Mountain and behind the Co-op in Neil's Harbour. They can be difficult to spot as they look like shit, allowing them to blend in seemlessly with their surroundings.
There have never been any skunks on Cape Breton Island, which has led some people to believe that maybe they know something we don't.
Some of the diverse species of Cape Breton:
- The dead rat above Ivan's Store was man-handled by Jimmy "Hulk Hogan" Clark himself! He wrestled it to the ground, kicked it a little bit, and then finished it off with his inimitable leg drop.
- The Samsquantch is a lot like its brother, the Sasquatch. Bubbles was the first to discover the wild beast. At one point, he thought it was the Samsquantch who was eating all their dope, but later he found out it was the wild cougar he had named "Steve French". The gang got the "kitty" high as a kite and fed it Randy's greasy cheeseburgers. Its habitat was one of Ricky's old shitbox cars. The Samsquantch has many aliases, e.g. Nova Scotian Big Foot and The Big Nasty.
- Raycans, an elusive species closely related to the Raccoon, is known for stealing dope from trailers in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.
- Yellow Mustard Tiger – a mysterious predator that is attracted to Yellow Mustard.
Sports[edit | edit source]
Cape Breton is home to various sports teams including the Cape Breton Shithawks, who have won the Stanley Cup 98 times since 2001. Glace Bay also has a successful rugby team, The Pillheads; because of their abuse of prescription painkillers, they are unable to feel pain and therefore an unstoppable force on the field. And then there's the girls' hockey champions, the New Waterford Virgins.
The Cape Breton Drunken Roughriders of the CFL play their home games at the Mayflower Mall parking lot on Sunday nights. Davante Adams once made a miraculous touchdown catch before crashing into the Tasty Treat.
Cape Breton recently won the first annual Bar Fight World Championship against Ireland.
Nuclear controversy[edit | edit source]
In 1966 the U.N. voted unanimously that certain dumb-ass Cape Bretoners shouldn't have a nuclear power plant. Cape Breton protested, arguing that it was Buck Einstein, of Meat Cove, who originally invented the atom, and as a result, nuclear energy. Despite UN Sanctions, the Lingan Nuclear Power Facility was in full operation. This spawned a number of stupid hippie wannabes to flock to Lingan and protest. They were later appeased when it was decided that fellow Meat Cove resident Homer Simpson would run the plant.
Future plans may or may not involve North Korea.
History[edit | edit source]
The Honorable John Boutilier Cabot Trail first discovered The Royal Isle of Cape Breton 9001 years ago. He was greeted by natives who offered him friendship and knowledge of the land, and in return he enslaved them for hundreds of years.
Then one day, while on a massive shroom trip, the gods spoke to him and said, "Stupid human, don't you know you're the first to arrive at the Super Island which will one day dominate the globe? You're the first absolute king of the world's future."
Thus was created the Kingdom of Cape Breton with its first ruling monarch, the Honorable and Venerable Sir John Boutilier Cabot Trail. Thenceforth, it was declared that Cape Breton would absorb the rest of the world politically, economically, culturally and maybe even linguistically – if anyone could make them out.
Currently The Royal Isle of Cape Breton's Kingdom stretches over vast regions, from the barren wastelands of Cheticamp with their desert dwellers in the West, to the sprawling metropolis known as Glace Bay with its cosmopolitan population and bustling economy in the East, from the South where the wooly sabre-toothed horses rule the land and keep foreigners out unless they have a special visa on the oily sands of of Sable Island, to the North and Meat Cove; a rare cultural and socio-historical glimpse into the past where the barbarian hordes of Atilla the Hun and the descendants of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble live and propagate.
At this year of 2007 A.D. or 9007 of Our Year of the Honorable John Boutilier Cabot Trail, Cape Breton is ruled by Sir John Morgenstein II and is poised to envelop the Mainland of Nova Scotia as its first decisive conquest before reaching out with its tentacles of influence to the rest of the world. Cape Breton has secretly been sending thousands of its finest young men and women to Ontario, Alberta and the Boston States for over a century in order to colonize and take them down from the inside.
The idea of Manifest Destiny and The Cape Breton Kingdom's plot to absorb the rest of the world into its own sphere of domination is kept a secret among all Cape Bretoners. If you reveal to a Cape Bretoner that you, for sure, know about the secret, they will shoot lazers from their eyes to instantly vaporize you and your knowledge. All Cape Bretoners have been trained in advanced gorilla tactics and ready for hand to foot combat at all times. If your life has not been extinguished within 30 seconds of divulging the Cape Breton global domination plot, commandos dressed in pink dresses (the Cape Breton Secret Police) will drop from the sky and mercilessly pinch you with plastic lobster claws mounted on the end of sticks.
Communist Revolution and the CBLA[edit | edit source]
In 1925, Bolshevik leader J. B. McLachlan lead the Cape Breton masses against the Tsar, founding the Union of Soviet Caper Republics, allying itself with the Soviet Union, who proceeded to place nukes in Sydney aimed at Washington, leading to the Cape Breton Missile Crisis, in which the imperialist dogs in Halifax sent Theodore Tugboat and Friends to intercept Soviet ships carrying the warheads. General Secretary McLachlan's regime was overthrown in a US-backed coup afterwhich a neoliberal dictator was installed friendly to Halifax, Ottawa and Washington. Residents outside of CBRM had no idea any of this took place and still thought they were on some island off the coast of Scotland.
The oppressive Halifax-controlled regime ruthlessly exploited Cape Breton's workers and natural resources and suppressed the island's local cultures - placing bans on rum n' coke, fiddle playing, meat darts, kielbasa, the Barra MacNeils, local bingo, and the Cape Breton accent (especially the New Waterford variety). One Halifax politician made direct derogatory comments toward a particular Cape Bretoner; "He's a Cape Breton barbarian. They all are, didn't you know? Yes, he's a hairy and scary one".
These conditions eventually led to the formation of the Cape Breton Liberation Army, a Marxist republican paramilitary group spearheaded by John Angus "Buddy" MacDonald who went by the codename General John Cabot Trail.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Inverness (The one in Scotland, not in Cape Breton)
- New Waterford
- Glace Bay (Cottonland)
- Sydney, Nova Scotia
- Meat Cove
- John Morgan
- Smooth Hermans
- Battle of Sydney
- Colouring Book University
- Gardiner Motel
- True Crime: Streets of Glace Bay
- Pleistocene Park
- Two Rivers Wildlife Park
- Dominion
- Donkin
- Schooner Pond
- Mira River
- Angus MacAskill
- Tar Ponds Black
- Tony Danza
- Quebec
- Newfoundland
- My 37 Ex-wives
