Vancouver
Vancouver, aka Hong Kouver, a large Chinese city in Western Canada, an important hub in North American drug trade, gay refuge and a depository for a wide variety of Little Brown People. The main tourist attractions are more local beer than anywhere else and rain.
History[edit | edit source]
One of the Couvers, Hong-Couver Coffee House, or Vansterdam, is located in the South-West, North-East of British Columbia. This name is due to the incredible amount of pot located there. I mean, if you ever visit, it is totally legal here dude. No, seriously man.
Lord Stanley was said to have muttered "Vancouver" when smoking peace pipes with the Injuns, which is why we still call it that today. Recently discovered documents reveal its historical name as "Got-Any-Change".
Yesterday, the Vancouver CasuckdickbeatbyBruins lost to Boston fuckkkkkkks. A riot followed soon after, a couple were caught being gay on the streets in the riots, a random asian was also caught sucking his own dick. President Don Cherry then came up with the reasons why the Casucks lost, these reasons were reviewed by superstar player Raffi Pornes, I they were proved to be right.
Vancouver, Before Christ[edit | edit source]
Prior to contact with humanity, the land presently known as Vancouver was heavily forested and populated by punctuation-challenged Indian groups with names such as Sto:lo. The subject of the origins of the Indians is presently considered a taboo and as such never mentioned in a polite company, however the Indians themselves claim they have always been here, which due to their lack of written language and memory-obliterating heavy drinking rituals generally means the length of time they've been sober.
Culture[edit | edit source]
The hippies are usually found on Commercial Drive, sitting outside a coffee shop while smoking some dope. Sushi and hockey are also part of the city's culture, with an annual slap shot sushi tournament hosted by Molson Coors. Hipsters can often be found on Main Street, doing hipster things like shopping in thrift shops, riding old multicoloured bikes and wearing toques and such.
International Disputes[edit | edit source]
Vancouver, BC has a running dispute with Vancouver, Washington over which should be considered the 'true' Vancouver. This tension has often spilled over into the international arena, and has been the cause of several attempts at invasion from one city or the other, neither of which has been especially successful as the populations of both cities are too stoned to get anything done.
Ironically, the two cities have many things in common:
- The citizens of both cities often cross the border in order to get tax breaks.
- Everybody in both cities has meticulus personal hygiene.
- The economy of both cities relies heavily upon exporting illegal substances.
These similarities have led many to speculate that Vancouver, Washington and Vancouver, BC are really one and the same city, separated by thousands of years of time. Recently, the Vancouver, Washington city council narrowly passed a measure to change the name of the city to Vancouver, AD.
Vancouver is in constant war with the city state/hellhole of Surrey. Vancouver currently requires a valid passport and a criminal record check from all residents of of Surrey attempting to visit the city. Similar requirements will shortly be introduced for the residents of Abbotsford, Mission, Maple Ridge, Pitt Meadows, Chilliwack, Langley, and Richmond. For that latter, a valid certificate of English proficiency will also be required.
Current Economic Status[edit | edit source]
Vancouver's economy is currently imploding, due to a naval blockade by North Vancouver, in an attempt to force the city to hand over its weed stocks. Vancouver has yet to respond to this pressure, although it is believed that the city will succumb when arms of angry skiers and snowboarders storm city hall, due to their inability to reach the North Shore ski areas.
Vancouver is also Canada's main producer of rain. In fact, there is so much rain that every year during the prestigious "We Have No Seasons Just Rain" festival, residents use their Honda Civics as a flotation device in order to get from condo to condo.
Interesting Facts[edit | edit source]
- Vancouver is what passes for an interesting city in Canada.
- The city proclaims to have the largest amount of dirt per person.
- Was declared a "van-free" zone by Greenpeace in 1987 (meaning anyone who moves here can live in a van for free).
- The Child to Dog ratio is 1:10
- Is a leading city in the introduction of stairs.
- There is a vortex of "Suck" coming from Vancouver. The cause is believed to be Christopher Brown.
- Another vortex connecting Surrey (a.k.a. Currey) with the northeast Indian state of Punjab has resulted in a total depopulation of Punjab.
- Produces an alcohol-free scotch under the brand name "Smotch".
- Occasionally English can be heard in addition to the three official languages: Cantonese, Mandarin, and Punjabi
- Stole the recipe for Nanaimo bars
- Has the second highest population density in North America, which is just stupid because everywhere else in Canada is empty.
- Dolphins escape via the Sea-to-sky highway when Vogons arrive.
- Vancouver is considered one of the most "livable" cities in the world due to its plentiful oxygen, edible twigs and berries, and lack of harmful ultraviolet radiation.
- The city where water was discovered for a hundredth time.
- If some guy walks by you saying "pot, weed, doobies, weed, dope..." ***FOLLOW HIM***
- UBCers constantly sit around staring into space.
- There are only three schools in Vancouver, St. George's a school for the gay and rich, and Vancouver College, a school for the Christian gay and rich, as well as St. John's, a school run by William Shatner and Wolverine for Canadian children with superpowers. All the other schools were converted into safe-injection sites.
- The SkyTrain was conceived in mid 1980s to facilitate drug transportation and act as mobile landfill. Average human ridership in 2009 was three per month.
- Has so many Starbucks that new locations must now open inside the restrooms and parking lots of existing locations!
- Is the only place on earth where no one has seen the sun in 5 years, caused by the natural phenomenon called rain.
- UBC stands for: University of a Billion Chinese.
- SFU stands for : Students who Flunked UBC.
- Falling asleep on the Skytrain will cause you to travel to an alternate reality known as Surrey where your wallet may disappear, you might get shot at, stabbed, or vanish without a trace.
- Marijuana Grow-Ops served more customers than McDonalds for the first time in late 2006.
- The Hollywood Sign was moved to here from Los Angeles, United States.
- Vancouver wants to build a 20-foot fence on their border to keep out the "wetbacks" from crossing in Bellingham, Washington.
- Vancouver and most of the Lower Mainland is looking to become its own, independent country with the population like that of Mongolia, both in numbers and ethnicity.
- The biggest imports are Alberta's homeless, the Chinese, and homosexuals - not necessarily Chinese.
- Every year Vancouver receives more raindrops than there are grains of sand on its beaches.
- It's still on fire following riots when their hockey team lost in the Stanley Cup finals again.
- BIRTHPLACE OF VANCOUVER LEGEND PMO
Safe-Injection Sites[edit | edit source]
Former Vancouver Mayor Nicholas Campbell (** Note: Another former mayor is some guy in a wheelchair ... rumoured to be none other than Stephen Hawking from a parallel universe) began a program of safe injection sites for homeless Starbucks addicts (who account for roughly 79% of the population in the downtown east-side). In safe injecions sites, Starbucks addicts are permitted to inject Tim Hortons' double doubles into their bodies through safe, sterile needles. These safe injection sites include:
- clinics
- community support centres
- fast food restaurant bathrooms
- GM Place
- Dark Alleys
- Tim Hortons locations
- On the corner of Main and Hastings in broad daylight
- Your front lawn
- Your neighbours front lawn
- The hood of your car
- Canada Place
- BC Place
- Wal-Mart Washrooms
- Canucks dressing room
- Skid Row
- The Big Airport on that Island
- Your hotel hallway
- In front of the police station
- Pretty much everywhere else
- Skytrain
- Commercial Drive and Broadway
- Randy Quaid's driveway
Yet there is no where in town where you can smoke a ciggerate thanks to retarded liberals
Fun things to do in Vancouver[edit | edit source]
- Inject Afghani heroin you just bought from a homicidal Salvadoran refugee in a feces filled back lane in Downtown East Side
- Smoke locally grown pot laced with crystal meth and go berserk on Granville
- Dream of a communist revolution in a filthy coffee shop on Commercial Drive
- Look for bits of crack on the pavement of East Hastings
- Sit at a parking lot in Richmond and observe Chinese drivers involved is super slow-mo accidents
- Take shortcuts through Little India's dark alleys in the middle of the night
- Practice saying NO while being begged for money nearly wherever you go
- Approach strangers to complain about how much Vancouver Aquarium sucks
- Pretend a suicide attempt and hold up traffic on the Port Mann Bridge
- Get your car towed away
- Grow pot, get busted, grow even more pot
- Go for a ride in a police car
- Roll a police car
- Identify all 7 Whites who still live in the city
- Cheer for the Canucks hockey team with a mob of morbidly obese suburbanites
- Complain how much you have to pay for transit
- Burn the city down
- Get yelled at in Mandarin, Punjabi or Chinglish
- See how far you can make it on the Skytrain without a valid ticket
- Observe highly trained bicycle thieves crack your expensive and unbreakable U-lock in 5 seconds flat
- Listen to people's strange accents.
- Get rained on/try not to get rained on
- Do be Pretentious
- Eat at a fancy and overpriced downtown restaurant and think of yourself better than everyone else
- Ask anyone you see wearing Harry Potter merchandise for a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
- Get high on the lavender sage bong of the red-bearded man sitting next to you on the number 10 bus
Stories Of Vancouver Visitors[edit | edit source]
"One day I was walking down Hastings Street, a man came running up to me with a needle and told me I would like it. So I took it." He says. "It turned out it was Micheal Jackson, 'My Male Gothic Cousin's Boyfriend" who gave me the drugs and took me to my neighbors front lawn to get a fix." he explained.
Condominium Infestation[edit | edit source]
Vancouver has an uncontrolled infestation of Condominiums. Condominiums are the principal dwellings of Douchebags and Guidos. Each Vancouver Condo owner believes that they are a Real Estate Baron, who knows what nobody else in the world is financially sophisticated enough to understand. Because of this special knowledge, Vancouver Condominium owners feel entitled to become wealthy simply by signing up for a 40-year-no-downpayment mortgage at the Bank, convenience store, Money Mart, or Pawn Shop. Most Vancouver condo owners pass their days at the YMCA watching little boys take showers while they wait for God and/or Bob Rennie (who invented the Presale as well as the Yeast Infection and anal rape) to make them as rich as they know they are entitled to be. The name of the city has now been changed to Vancondo.
See also[edit | edit source]
