North Vancouver

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North Vancouver is a jolly little town in British Columbia. Located near Vancouver, North Van still contains a unique culture.


The town is split into 2 parts; a District and a City. The district is freakin huge, while the city is much smaller but more populous. The city expresses their envy over this by building large phallic-shaped apartment blocks and Persian markets. The district responds by building underground apartment blocks, also known as basement suites; these are occupied by frightened english-language students forced into grow-op enslavement. The district includes mountainous areas, such as Grouse Mountain and Mount Seymour; these are popular ski resorts and mafia compounds.


North Van experiences a shitload of rain each year, most of which runs down the mountainous upper regions and into a swampy bog at the bottom. The bog may be crossed by the 'Seabus' despite the fact that it is neither a 'bus' nor is it crossing a 'sea' unless by 'sea' you mean murky, sulferous wasteland. The ferryman may be paid in blood, immortal souls, or U.S. currency. As well as rain, North Van also gets at least 30 days of Chocolate Rain. It snows for only 1-3 days a year in the city portion.i like turtles.

However, in the district, they get lots more snow (assholes) with the one exception of the bog-dwellers. This has led the city residents to steal snow from the district. This eventually erupted into the 1987 Snow War; 2 people were killed, 91 injured. In the summer, the temperature goes haywire, and it gets quite hot outside, like totally hot, like guys take the socks off from under their sandles, seriously.


North Van is led by the corrupt mayor Darrell Mussato, leader of the Mussato crime family, he doesn't do anything as mayor except wait for his paycheck. In reality, North Van is ruled in rotation by members of a mysterious committee known only as the Tendricles of Doom, Earth-chapter. The city council get votes by handing out free food laced with tranquilizers at the voting booths. The electoral district representative is Herr Andrew Saxton, a Nazi who helps in the production of Conservative Party attack ads, because if anything, the Nazis were definately known for their Liberal point of view.


Most people are atheist (80%), though they don't like to admit it, because Atheism is so 1996. 15% are Christian (mostly Filipinos), while 4% are Scientologists. The remaining 1% are members of a suicidal cult known as the "local Wal-Mart employees". There are certainly no Muslims in North Vancouver. This is the last place on earth you would ever find a Muslim. There are also no Jews. They were all exterminated by the Conservatives were all sent to work elsewhere in Canada.


North Van has tons of different ethnic groups. One prominent group is Native American (Coast Salish), who sit around swearing, smoking marijuana, lighting off fireworks, acting/dressing gangsta(or about as gangsta as Wal-Mart apparel allows), and adding "harsh" in front of every adjective to make it sounds more cooler. The glue-sniffing thing is just a rumour. The next largest ethnic group are emo/skater teens, many of whom aren't actually teenagers anymore. They can be identified by clothing they're too depressed to wash, long hair used to catch their introspective tears, and skateboards they only use to knock over old people with canes.


The school district sucks, period. The curriculum is 1 year behind the rest of Canada. All schools also serve as interment camps to "eliminate the young people who stabbed us in the back". Schools are patrolled by riot policemen, who constnatly club students for no reason. Smoking is allowed on school property to promote a "hip" lifestyle. Most teachers are former homeless people who got a job through classified late-night activities.


Ordered by amount of revenue.

1. Organized crime
2. People smuggling
3. dirt
4. rain water
5. marijuana (3rd lowest spot for weed anywhere in BC)
6. raccoon meat
7. salmon
8. fairy dust
9. weapons of mass destruction
10.hunting rifles


The residents tend to act vulgar, offensive, and obscene to outsiders. Streaking is a large fad in the district area. Most people are hunters or involved in illegal business. North Van is home to more pimps than anywhere else in the Lower Mainland. The dialect is a mix of swearing and hippie-speak. 30% are involved with the North Van militia, a group which uses military action to distance themsleves from Vancouverites. The people have a large conflcit with nearby West Vancouver, which often leads to widespread chaos.

Military and Militant Organizations[edit]

The City and District share a military force, that in size is equivalent to the population of Singapore, and is split into army, navy, air force, and Ninja ops. The armies only base is on Grouse Mountain, where it maintains several super howitzers capable of hitting Seattle, and is currently under the command of Supreme Commander John Tokugawa, a descendant of the Japanese Warlord. Currently the army is engaged in the occupation of Squamish and Whistler. The Navy is based out of the Lonsdale Key Naval Yards, and is currently under the leadership of Grand Admiral Thrawn. The Navy itself has no less than ten Bismark class battle ships, and six Superstar Destroyers that make up the core of the fleet. At present the fleet is engaged in bombing Vancouver, in an attempt to force the city to hand over its stocks of weed, and the blockade of Hawaii, in an attempt to force them to hand over all their sugar. The Air Force is made of Virgo moble suits, under the command of High Air Marshall Karan Supper, the daughter of Heero Yui and Reelena Peacecraft, the Air Forces main job is to bomb Vancouver Washington in an attempt to start a war between it an Vancouver B.C. Ninja ops, under Sensei Jacky Chan, make up a special forces unit that is engaged in overthrowing the governments of West Vancouver and Metrotown Mall. In addition two militant groups exist, the NSU, North Shore Unifier, and D&L, Death and Love. The NSUs objective is to unite all municipalities on the North Shore, with the goal of conquering all of METRO Vancouver, it has several connections with the Ninja ops. Death and Love believes that love is the solution to all the world problems, and failing that all humans should die. the government has currently set them against Surrey in an attempt to destroy the city.

See also[edit]