User:Simsilikesims/Worst 100 Childrens Books of All Time
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“Ah, children. The opiate of the masses...”
“Ah, Opium. The mass of the children...”
“Children's books are for kids!”
“THERE ARE CHILDREN BOOKS NOW??”
According to God's True Word, the following are the worst Childrens Books ever made. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.
Correction: the Worst 200, at least encourage your child to read for once.
- 200 How our Body works
- A book about pooping, urination, bleeding and barf.
- 199 Animals and the food chain
- How they hunt, photos of them killing and eating their prey, as well the glimpse of meat preparation. Guaranteed to make a kid turn vegan.
- 198 It's inoperable, Charlie Brown
How he finds a cancerous tumor and chooses to commit assisted suicide.
- 197 Hiawatha, the Native American
- A story of the destruction of natural habitat and will make your kid care about environmental/ecological issues.
- 196 The Wonderful Atom (1955)
- Science book about the use of atomic weapons.
- 195 Flipper, the dolphin-safe
- The story of a dolphin caught in fish nets and made into tuna.
- 194 The Great Eskimo Rape
- A true story based on the actual rape of a Nashua, NH police officer.
- 193 Wheres Waldo in Afghanistan
- If you look closeley you can do what the americans can't....Find Osama Bin Laden. He's actually goes by the alias of...Obama Biden.
- 192 Freddy Krugers bed-time tales.
- A favorite on Elm street.
- 191 Sod "Sticks and Stones", Get A Chainsaw!
- How to reach the next level of bullying.
- 190 Anne Frank and the Chamber of Gas
- After a year of hiding away in the secret annex, Anne suddenly finds herself in a forced labour camp surrounded by Nazi's and Hitler youth. A mystical adventure for the whole family!
- 189 No Daddy, No!
- The story of the little boy who was traumatised.
- 188 Sometimes Words Don't Work
- A guide to killing the school bully.
- 187 Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911
- Self-explanatory sequel.
- 186 Little Critter and the Nuclear Missile
- More adventures of Little Critter! Too gory for the really young. Fine for really annoying five-year-old cousins.
- 185 The A-Z of Modern Internet Pranks
- From "Where's Waldo" to "You are an idiot", this excellent book shows all the consequences of clicking on funny links. With added Goatse and Tubgirl!
- 184 Gears of War
- Novelisation of the classic computer game. Great for showing kids the jagged insides of a chainsawed head, Baird, the perfect role model, and that corpsers are actually really fun and cuddly! Yayyyy!!!!
- 183. Maggie and the Ferocious Yeast Infection (USA 1999)
- Holy shit, Maggie...You growin' bread down there? Damn...
- 182. 1984 (UK 2949)
- Rose tinted documentary set in a perfect utopia where everyone is nice, friendly and the humans were not farmed for meat. Dated considerably in the 1000 years between its publication and this review. Makes no mention of the brain-stealer invasion already well underway at the time. Is also suspected to cause time warping.
- 181. Bi-Curious George (USA 1973)
- George the monkey decides the Man in the Yellow Hat looks purty. Real purty.
- 180. The way of AIDS
- Mrs. Jackson explains the happy things about AIDS and how a real man spreads the love. For ages 2 and upwards.
- 179. Stranger Danger Is For Dummies
- Guide on how to break the mould and accept the sweeties from the paedophile. Written by a Mr M. Jackson.
- 178. Communism For Toddlers
- By toddlers, for toddlers...and learn about "sharing" is caring.
- 177. My First Necronomicon
- Absolutely guaranteed to cause insanity to all who read.
- 176. Harry Potter and the Fundamentalist Christian Church.
- Harry, Ron and Hermione are assaulted by Fred Phelps at Dumbledore's funeral.
- 175. Lucy Leather meets Charlie Chain.
- A childrens' guide to bondage and fetishes.
- 174. Benny BNP (Book 1): What To Do To Immigrants
- The first in a series of books featuring Benny BNP, the 5 year old BNP member. Comes with helpful advice and diagrams.
- 173. Yo Muda Fukin Biatch Kids. By 50 Cent.
- A book educating children about the wonders of drugs and prostitution, sequel to "Fun in tha Ghetto with Uncle Snoop Dawg".
- 172. See Spot Run. By the Health Council of America.
- A book to educate children about the dangers of diarrhoea and how to avoid it.
- 171. Harry Potter and the Power of Mass-Marketing.
- COMES WITH FREE HOGWARTS® MAGICAL LIGHT-UP PEN! PLUS AN AMAZING HARRY POTTER® TOILET PAPER! NOW YOU CAN WIPE YOUR ASS WITH HIS FACE!
- 170. Video Games are Turning You Into a Killer. By Jack Thompson
- A book authored by Jack Thompson explaining to children that the video games they love are turning them into killers, and that Mario is trying to make them take drugs and Sonic wants to rape them. Critics say that even though he's already a lunatic he still must have been under the influence while writing this.
- 169. Hop On Mom
- A classic Dr Seuss tale for the children.
- 168. Miami Is Bad and Full Of Capitalist Pigs
- (Cuba 1980)
- A book issued by the Cuban government to educate children why the Mariel boatlift benefited the Socialist cause.
- 167. Benny BNP Returns (Book 2): What To Do To Gays
- Following on from the highly successful "What To Do To Immigrants", this one even comes with a handy Gay-Stabber® Knife, and a fake ballot card for the tots to practice crossing the BNP box!
- 166. Da Mothafuckin' Snakes on a Mothafuckin' Plane!
- A story by Dr. Seuss and Samuel L. Jackson, mothafucka!
- 165. Everybody Dies
- Kids learn that death is a natural part of life for everybody, including their and mommy and daddy. It's not all bad though, AIDS is hereditary!
- 164. Horton Hatches a Stork
- "I said what I meant and I meant what I said, that I wish I'd used condoms when lying in bed..."
- 163. Horton Hears The Who
- The tragic tale of an elephant who fails to protect his flower.
- (Leeds, 1965) Complete with sound effects such as Roger Daltry screaming and Pete Townsend smashing his guitar, to prepare your child for rock concerts and hearing aids.
- 162. The Voice of Goodness
- Ann Coulter tells kids why everybody and everything they don't like must be destroyed.
- 161. Little Billy Milks the Bull
- Billy learns how to make tasty bull milk.
- 160. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime
- A child's best guide to bestiality.
- 159. Teh N00b H00 Pwn3d Chr157m45
- An interesting book, focusing on the life and times of a recluse CS Source player, who, one day, decided to h4x0r the yuletide season. Followed by a sequel, Green Eggs and H4XX0R.
- 158. Benny BNP Is Back (Book 3):What To Do To Different Colour People
- Benny BNP returns for the third in the trilogy, dealing with racism. Not how to prevent it, but how to spread it.
- 157 And Then Some: The Adventures of Young Joe Stalin (USSR 1943)
- A fun yet informative book where children learn how to deal with life's little problems like infedels and Ukrainians. Includes a "Build Your Own Gulag" construction kit.
- 157. He Dissed Me So He Had To Die
- The touching story of a ten-year old who encounters reality the hard way, and his struggles to fit into a society where epics are trivial, and honorable kills a thing of the past.
- 156. Harry Potter and The Vasectomy
- The 58th book of the best selling series. Middle aged Harry has trouble coping with the death of the Ginger one, and decides that he doesn't want any more children, to the dismay of Dumbledore.
- 155. The Magic School Bus Goes to Amsterdam (USA 2005)
- Ms. Frizzle goes to the Dutch capital to visit the "culture" of the city. Learn all about drugs, sex and international drug trafficking laws!
- 154. Nice Man from the Internet (US 2004)
- 10inchxxx69 has some fun planned for 8 year old Aaron Davis at the magical land of fun. Prequel to the New York Times best-seller The Bad Man Touched Me.
- 153. Bob The Builder's Hangover (Norway 1993)
- A night of fun and booze turns the following morning into a day of fun and aspirin. Sequel to the bestseller Bob The Builder Handles Power Tools Whilst Drunk.
- 152. Little Miss Chubster and Fun Time at Fat Camp
- (USA 1990) A sweet romp of a tale that hammers home the message "lose weight or you'll never be loved."
- 151. Chocolate and the Charlie Factory (Brazil 1976)
- The adventures of a lovable Labrador as he becomes companions with a group of friendly drug runners.
- 150. Everyone Shits (USA 1991)
- The rejected version of the well-known potty-training book (also available the less popular: 'Nobody Shits But You' and the Catholic version 'You're a Naughty Child with Concentrated Evil Coming out your Backside').
- 149. What Noises Are There During The Night? (USA, 2000)
- Children want to know what the noises are coming from their parents' bedroom at night. Is it ghosts? Screaming banshees?
- 148. The Magic School Bus Visits a Rectum (USA, 1999)
- Ms. Frizzle takes the kids on a journey through the digestive track of Brian Boitano completely by accident. None of them will be the same form of matter again...
- 147. Axl Rose and Slash Go Back To School (Canada; 1993-2006)
- Shows just what happens when out-of-date rockers are re-introduced to booze and drunk chicks who might actually want to fuck them.
- 146. So Your Parents Are Selling Your Internal Organs (China, 2004)
- A simple story with a cute moral - They do it because they love you, and they're broke.
- 145. Santa Doesn't Exist - The Top 15 Childhood Myths DESTROYED (USA, 2001)
- How to ruin their young beliefs and prepare them for life in a harsh, harsh world.
- 144. Why are Mommy and Daddy Making Love in Costumes?
- (USA and some parts of Japan, 2006)
- Explains to kids why Mommy and Daddy are having sex in fursuits. Includes detailed diagrams of furries dry humping.
- 143. Hi, Mommy! Hi, Other Mommy! (USA, 2008)
- A story that explains why Mommy is kissing that other girl. Includes diagrams of what they do at night!
- 142. Space Barney and His Purple helmet (USA 2006)
- Saving the Universe from the evil Childsnatchers AGAIN!
- 141. How to Finger your Bush
- (USA 2004)
- A sex-ed novel for pre-pubescent girls, disguised as a political satire. Or was it the other way?
- 140. A Red Adventure
- (USSR, 1935)
- Joseph Stalin and Karl Marx go apple picking! However Joseph Stalin is forced to give half of his apples to Karl Marx, who then divides it among the 120 villages near-by who were simply too lazy to pick any apples. But Joseph Stalin gets them back by taxing the hell out of them, and kidnapping those who are not "patriotic" enough.
- 139. Why Did Daddy Put Mommy In A Bag? (Canada, 2005)
- A book aimed at toddlers to understand why Daddy slit mommy's throat, and threw her body in the ocean.
- 138. The Boring Day Inside My Room (My Room, 2006)
- A detailed description how boring the day was when he was locked in his room. With chapters like "How Many Dust Particles There Were In My Room" and "The Number Of Threads On All My Clothes"
- 137. Mr. Fuhrer
- (Germany, 1933)
- Hitler's adventure to dictatorship.
- 136. The Cat in the Vat (USA 2003)
- A Dr. Suess look into Chinese takeout.
- 135. Uselyses
- (Ireland 1922)
- A dull book about the trivial tasks that one man couldn't accomplish.
- 134. Bob the Builder Makes A Vibrator (USA, 1999)
- I wonder what he will use that for?
- 133. Mary Poppins: The Real Story (USA, 1970)
- All is revealed...Find out the drug they used to make hallucinations! Find out how Ms. Poppins scared the children into shape! Find out the cruel conditions the penguin waiters were kept under! For less than $100!
- 132. You Are Fat and Will Always Be (USA 2004)
- A self-help book aimed at pre-teen girls.
- 131. Your Penis Isn't Big Enough, and It Never Will Be (USA 2005)
- A self-help book aimed at pre-teen boys.
- 130. It's Okay To Worry (Wee-Wee-Land 2000)
- A book reassuring boys that just because your girlfriend laughed at the size of your penis, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You're just never going to have sex.
- 129. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry (USA 1989)
- Guaranteed to shut them up for good!
- 128. Your Nightmares Are REAL!! (USA 1996)
- Oh yeah. And your parents don't go.
- 127. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will (USA 2006)
- The comprehensive list. Now in 2 volumes.
- 126. You Were an Accident (UK 2003)
- A MUST READ.
- 125. Strangers Have the Best Candy (USA 1999)
- A book that helps your little ones be street streetwise.
- 124. Grandpa Gets a Casket (USA 2005)
- A colorful picture book all about your grandparents funeral.
- 123. "That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption." (Canada 1997)
- 122. Some Kittens Can Fly! (USA 1996)
- A fun book that gives children easy science experiments to do on a rainy afternoon.
- 121. The Little Sissy Who Snitched (UK 2003)
- Gruesome tale about the consequences of snitching. Rated 18.
- 120. All Cats Go to Hell (USA 2006)
- A handy book that helps children cope with the loss of their feline friend.
- 119. Cathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her (Canada 1998)
- A funny story about things that could really happen.
- 118. The Childrens Guide To Hitchhiking (USA 2004)
- Skills that all children will need to know sooner or later.
- 117. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Sccisors: The "I Can Do It" Book
- (UK 1998)
- 116. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share (USA 2000)
- Show off your new vocabulary to your friends and family!
- 115. The Boy That Died From Eating All His Vegatables
- (Canada 1980)
- 114. You're Different, and That's Bad
- (USA 1998)
- 113. You're Unique, Just Like The Other 250,000 Children Who Will Inevitably Read This Book
- (USA, Like, 2001) A delightful romp aimed at the tween market. Hilary wants to go to Jake Anderson's party because he's totally so hott and stuff, but Hilary's way uncool mom and dad tell her no, but her rival Sarah who is totally fake will be there trying to make a move on Jake. So Hilary sneaks out, and the readers learn an important lesson in the end if they haven't already killed themselves.
- 112. You Can Call Mommy "Daddy" Now
- (USA, 2097) An exciting journey through the world of sex-change operations aimed at the preschool market.
- 111. Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone
- (UK, 2004) Recommended in Worst 100 Ways to Deliver Bad News. Favorite of every children and also used by adults.
- 110. Weapon Making With Household Objects
- (Iraq, 2001) Make your daddy proud by showing off your maturity and creativity!
- 109. What's Under the Sink
- (Canada, 1997) A helpful guide on what to drink and what not to drink.
- 108. Big Pimpin' for Kids
- (USA, 2005) A step-by-step instrunctional book on how to get the most out of your grade-school hoes.
- 107. Little Miss Bukkake
- (UK 1999) Little Miss Bukkake's first adventure.
- 106. What Words are Daddy Yelling?
- (USA, 1992) A children's guide to obscenities, with large font and audio tape.
- 105. Let's Find Unusual Holes
- (USA, 1986) A discovery book for the 6-and-under age group.
- 104. Reichy the Rabbit Discovers Racial Supremacy
- (Germany, 1940)
- 103. Bathing with Mr. blowdryer
- (USA, 1982) A fun book depicting toys to play with in the bathtub.
- 102. Mister Fork meets Mrs. Outlet
- (USA, 1998) The instructional guide on how to make friends with household appliances.
- 101. The Secret Passage
- (UK, 1932) One small boys's trip to a special, magical place, when the clock strikes midnight. Written by Oscar Wilde.
- 100. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
- (USA, 1988) The world's favorite inquisitive monkey learns "don't whizz on the electric fence".
- 99. Paddington Gets Rabies
- (UK, 1989) Fun and frolics as Mr Brown takes out Paddington "Atticus Finch" style.
- 98. Dr Seuss's Malpractice ABC
- (USA, 1968) A is for Accidental Amputation.
- 97. Little Miss Psycho
- (UK, 1999) A guide for every little girl on how to handle modern relationships.
- 96. Baldylocks and the Three Hairs
- (Canada, 1989) Written at the height of the PC movement, Baldylocks is the heartwarming tale of a follically challenged Accountant from Winnipeg.
- 95. What's Daddy Doing?
- (USA, 1993) Sex Education book aimed at the under 10s. Contains graphic content.
- 94. The Illustrated Fishmonger
- (UK, 2002) Uncle Bob smells of fish, in colour and Scratch'n'Sniff.
- 93. Kaboom Went The Hamster And 24 Other Microwave Games
- (USA, 1999)
- 92. Bumper Book of Fun
- (China, 1982) How much fun could colouring in Clowns and Space Monkeys be? World Record Holder for worst dot-to-dot puzzle known to man.
- 91. Hey Presto! You're A Corporate Whore!
- (USA, 2004) Aims to teach kids how to embrace consumerism in a label-driven world.
- 90. Horton Hires a Ho
- (USA, 1978) Sequel to "Horton Hears a Who", it failed miserably upon first release, but gained cult popularity in the early 1990s.
- 89. White is Right
- (South Africa, 1982) A guide to Apartheid for the very young.
- 88. Gary the Garbage Truck
- (UK, 2001) A failed effort to cash in on the popularity of "Thomas the Tank Engine".
- 87. Jerry Gerbil and the Pink Cave
- (USA, 1996) by Richard Gere.
- 86. Little Chew Chew
- (USA, 2000) by Mike Tyson.
The Tao of Pooh by Dennis Leary.
- 85. When the Lights Go Out
- (USA, 2004) A adaptation of the Paris Hilton video for children.
- 84. Willy Wonka and the Fudge Tunnel
- (UK, 1983) A painful chapter in the Willy Wonka saga.
- 83. Old MacDonald had a Million Cows
- (USA, 1966) Introduction to large scale intensive farming techniques for the under fives.
- 82. Tom Swift and The Atomic Dildo
- (USA, 1958)
- 81. Clifford Goes to Sleep
- (USA, 2003) The final chapter in the tale of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
- 80. Wiffles the Dog's Dick
- (USA, 1994) Book by William Shatner made into an animated classic A Dog's Dick, this is the tale of a Pet Detective, created by the WangaFilms Studio.
- 79. Charlie and the Sausage Factory
- (Namibia, 1972) Join Charles Manson and his family on a hilarious romp through a magical sausage factory as dead and dying Oompah Loompahs give their final gifts to the world.
- 78 The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of the Leather Bar
- (USA, 1978) teenaged amateur sleuths Frank and Joe Hardy travel to New York's famous Greenwich Village
- 77. The Little Red Light District
- (USA, 1961)
- 76. The Cat in the Hat Got Back
- (USA, 1978) Cashing in on the blaxploitation craze, Dr. Seuss pens the tale of one hot pussy!
- 75. Aleister Crowley's Little Book of Bible Verse
- (UK, 1920) This book contains Satanic messages when read backwards. And forwards, for that matter.
- 74. Darwin Says Your Ancestors Were Monkey-Fuckers
- (USA, 2003) Required educational reading in many US states, this Intelligent Design promotional publication explains that under Darwin's theory your ancestors had to fuck monkeys while they waited for human women to evolve - needless to say God doesn't like that idea very much.
- 73. Clifford the Big Dead Dog
- (USA, 2004) Unable to give up the franchise, the publishers drag old Clifford out once more.
- 72. Programming Perl for Pre-Schoolers
- (USA, 2005) Getting our generation of script-kiddies better trained than their script kiddies - to prepare for the oncoming future cyber-apolcalypse. Plus kids love the cute camel!
- 71. Barney and the Big Purple Asteroid
- (USA, 2001) "Oh no," says Barney, "my watch says it's almost the Eocene." Hilarity ensues as Barney discovers ELE ISN'T a girl's name.
- 70. Pooh the Bear
- (UK, 1998) Daddy leaves Mom and lives with his new friend Pooh, a hairy Bear, with hairy chest, hairy arms and sexy hairy legs. The novel on which the film Spetters is based.
- 69. Little Miss PMT
- (UK, 2001) Little Miss Psycho is back, and this time she's pissed.
- 68. What Katy Did
- (USA, 1945) Find out exactly why Auntie Katherine needed that frontal lobotomy.
- 67. Clifford and the Army of Darkness
- (USA, 2005) The Clifford franchise is picked up by Sam Raimi. Hilarity ensues. Featuring Bruce Campbell.
- 66. Modern Nursery Rhymes
- (UK, 1987) "Mary had a BMX, she rode it back to FRONT, every time the peddles turned, the seat went up her.....dress", and many more.
- 65. The Cat In The Fat
- (No. Korea, 2003) Dr. Suess' beloved creation goes for a Wok when he meets hungry North Korean villagers!
- 64. Hansel, Gretel and Me—Confessions of Betrayal
- (USA, 2003) Alton Brown explains his rare experiments on young human subjects.
- 63. Ten Fun Activities With Fire
- (USA, 1956) Discover new ways to spice up playtime with the lovable mascot "Sparky."
- 62. Vomit, The Talking Head Louse
- (USA, 1904) The adventures of Vomit The Head Louse and his pal Ernie The Brain Burrowing Tick.
- 61. The O'Reilly Factor for Kids - A Survival Guide for America's Families
- (USA, 2005). The fourth chapter is entitled How to Eat Your Mom and Dad's Corpses if the Car Crashes in the Mountains. The following chapter enlightens children to label anything that they do not agree with as "Communist," "Socialist," or "Nazi."
- 60. Playground Bullying - Top Advice from the Experts
- (USA, 2004) Experts in playground bullying give their top tips and advice - chapters include "How to hold down a weak kid and knee him in the nuts" , "Public Humiliation Masterclass" and "Top Ten Tips for How to Make Girls Cry"
- 59. Close Encounters of the Third Grade
- (USA, 1978) Hitler has come back as a kid, and he's pissed.
- 58. The Last Temptation of Harry Potter
- (UK, 2006) It's the last day before Harry's crucifixion, and Draco has an indecent proposal for him.
- 57. The Satanic Preschool
- (USA, 1969) Bestselling author Anton LaVey explains how teachers can help children explore their true nature while they're young enough to challenge Christian hypocrisy.
- 56. Character is Cool - Taking Responsibility
- (USA, 2002) Helping kids take responsibity for their actions. Includes chapters entitled Divorce: Yes it's your fault that Daddy doesn't love Mommy anymore, Rain: Why did you make the angels cry?, and Death: Grandma died of a broken heart because you never wrote to her.
- 55. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
- (USA, 2000) Just what are we going to do on this rainy day?
- 54. Mein Kampf für die Kinder
- 60th Anniversary Edition (Germany, 1929) Hitler's attempt to follow up his über successful first work with a book for the youth.
- 53. Humpty Dumpty - What Happened Next
- (Uzbekestan, 1921) Three operations later, Humpty Dumpty sets out for revenge against the people who pushed him, with hilarious consequences.
- 52. Uncyclopedofile
- (Euthanasia, 2005) Handy "filofax" style set "filled" with "useful" information from the Uncyclopedia archives. Also contains calculator and handy pencil.
- 51. The Boy Scouts Cook Book
- (New York, 1984) Editors were horrified to discover that Albert Fish's book was less about teaching boy scouts to cook, and more about cooking boy scouts.
- 50. Weekend At Barney's
- (USA, 2003) The dinosaurs may be extinct, but Barney is still the life of the party. Limited edition contains prelude by Michael Jackson.
- 49. Gonzo The Bear, Adventures In LSD
- (USA, 1975) By Hunter S. Thompson
- 48. It's a School Shooting, Charlie Brown
- (USA, 1980) In this fascinating volume of previously unpublished Peanuts strips, Charlie Brown and Linus wreak bloody vengeance upon their tormentors.
- 47. Bible 4 Kids - God Smites the Wicked
- (USA, 1930) A playful collection of short stories.
- 46. Why You're So Poor
- (USA, 1978) Ayn Rand explains why your parents are lazy, good-for-nothing socialists.
- 45. The Prettiest Princess
- (USA, 2005) Story of how an ugly 6 year old girl becomes a beautiful princess through the wonders of plastic surgery. Contains photographs from accompanying TV series.
- 44. Puff the Magic Dragon Goes to School
- (USA, 1973) A whimsical tale about a young boy taking his magic dragon Puff to school, hiding him from all the teachers, and sharing his magic smoke with all the boys and girls. A children's classic - High Times.
- 43. The Origin of Species
- (UK, 1859) Charles Darwin, the worst children's book writer of all time, writes this tedious tale as a follow up to his less well known book The Stork: The Origin of the Babies. It tells your child why his immediate grandfather was a modern herring and NOT that his ancestors from 99999999999999999999 generations ago were newly formed Proto-fish that evolved through generation after generation of small changes and geographic isolation and other factors in genetic drift, branching out into countless species, and each branch branch branching out into another branch with the original branch(the forgotten ancestor)still intact because the population hasn't become inbred, completely left their original area or gone extinct, each sharing the same COMMON ANCESTOR and in millions and millions of years a branch of species forms called homo sapiens and because we have enormous brains is how we achieved all we have achieved and not by praying to your magical flying sky daddy, because that's just silly. Also endorses sodomy and blasphemy, atheism and sexuality, and how humans are like animals but we kill them for food too.
- 42. Flash MX Bible
- (US, 2004) Animated vector-based e-book featuring smiting and begetting on a biblical scale. Available through eBay.com.
- 41 1/2. 100 Fun Things to do with your Poo
- (CA, 2007) While the original was a classic, this modern readaptation falls short.
- 41. Pippi Longstockings
- (SW, 1969) Tommy and Annika have adventures with the transvestite next door. By Dolph Lundgren.
- 40. Here comes Pimpy
- (UK, 1974) There's a new dude in Toytown, and he's pimpin' everyone's Ho's. Hilarity ensues.
- 39. Dick and Jane for Cultists
- (USA, 1969) Written by Charles Manson, Dick and Jane have fun playing with a new "family".
- 38. The Railway Children
- (UK, 1969) An explanatory tale of children who played on railways. With coloured illustrations.
- 37. Little Miss Bulldog With Lipstick
- (UK, 2002) Little Miss PMT is back, but this time the vending machine is out of chocolate.
- 36. Biggles Flies Undone
- (UK, 1948) The squadron leader teaches Algy to make a gentle touchdown, with serious consequences.
- 35. Five Children and It
- (UK, 1902) An adventurous teacher blindfolds five children, who have to guess what "It" is by touch, smell, and taste alone.
- 34. Bad Dog, Carl
- (US, 2005) Carl finally has enough of the little rugrats, and decides to make a meal of them. Contains great selection of pictures of dismembered children!
- 33. Harry Potter and the Ring of Fire
- (UK, 2005) Harry and Ron suffer tremendous agonies as they tangle with a mutton vindaloo and a chicken phal prepared by Voldemort and his evil accomplice Lord Latif of Harpole.
- 32. Jamie's Children Kitchen
- (UK, 2006) Jamie Oliver offers lots of recipes to the smallest. Surprise your parents with easy to cook plasticine cakes or a tasty soup of your self-collected mushrooms. As seen on Channel Four.
- 31. Little Brother Nr 1
- (Cambodia, 1976) Pol Pot helps children to convince their parents to move to more rural areas.
- 30. Harry Potter and the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
- (UK, 2006) Ron and Hermione have to hide the knives when Harry, finally realising that he's been abused his entire life and goes into battle more frequently than most teenagers, starts acting a little funny....
- 29. A Lice in Wonderland
- (Deutschland, 1948) An enchanting tale of a lice's search for a suitable host.
- 28. Huckle Berry Pimp
- (USA, 1999) Huck goes on a journey to get some bitches and hoes.
- 27. The Alternative Magic School Bus in the Age of Xenu
- (USA 2003) A new series explores alternative science, instead of the one-sided presentation of theories in earlier books. Here, Ms. Frizzle and her class travel back to 75 billion years to witness him action. Has outperformed the similar, earlier work "Fountainhead Earth 4 Kidz".
- 26. Jimmy Crow and the Heroes of Civilization
- (CSA, 1952) Uh-oh! Some niggers start getting uppity and even downright fresh. Will anyone be able to protect the purity of white women from these subhuman monsters?
- 25. The Adventures of Boxcar Bert
- (USA, 1938) Join Boxcar Bert and his talking pole-sack Jehosephat in his hobo adventures. Experience the glory days of the swag man as he rides the rails, eats canned beans, violates young women and gets arrested for drunkenness and vagrancy. Followed up by the sequel, The Wild World of Amateur Boxing with Boxcar Bert.
- 24. Karl and Vladimir's World Tour
- (USSR, 1921) Marx and Uliyanoff (also known as Lenin) travel around the world convincing all forward-thinking peoples of the inevitability of Socialist Utopia, accompanied by their talking cat, Chairman Meow.
- 23. Marquis de Sade's Guide to Making New Friends
- (France, 1789) Everyone always says that if you want to make friends, you shouldn't hurt people but rather be nice to them. But if these people had friends, they wouldn't be going around giving advice to small children, would they? Besides, girls always fall for jerks anyway. The Marquis de Sade shows you the real way to make, keep, and gratify your friends, as well as your enemies.
- 22. Spot's Last Visit to the Vet
- (UK, 1992) A controversial but light-hearted introduction to the taboo of of animal necrophilia.
- 21. Fornicaters Rot In Eternal Hell
- (UK, 2003) A Christian teaching guide for curious children.
- 20. Noddy's Revenge
- (UK, 1967) Noddy decides to cut Big Ears's ears off. Noddy gets Slayed is the sequel.
- 19. Noddy Gets Slayed
- (UK, 1968) Enid Blyton's tale of Noddy, the Birmingham glamrock pixie. In this thrilling episode, Big Ears decides that it's payback time. First editions are now priceless, as it has not been reprinted.
- 18. E is for Eugenics
- (Germany, 1939) Written by Heinrich Himmler, it explains why certain people (eg. Jews, people of color, anybody with a birth defect, anybody who is mentally ill or retarded) should not be allowed to have babies and contaminate the gene pool and reduce the potential of the human race.
- 17. The Manhole; A Fantasy Exploration for Children of all Ages
- (USA, 2001), Written by Michael Jackson, The Manhole depicts one young boys magical journey to Never Land through Michael Jackson's manhole.
- 16. Boy Meets Car
- (Mexico, 2002) A safety manual for boys growing up in the fast-paced world of windshield-washing. We leran about how other cultures are. Mexicans make great slave labor.
- 15. Watch my Magic Snake Grow!
- (USA 1976) Written by John Holmes this pop-up book shows a magic snake growing in size until it finds its den where it lets go of its magic milk. There is a section where the kid is to help milk the magic snake.
- 14. The Adventures of Mudbelly
- (USA 1956) Wizened, old Blues Guitarist bemoans his recently deceased canine companion and his ex-partner. It was a bad morning all round.
- 13. Bumper Book of French Military Defeats
- (Germany, 1916, reprinted 1939) Disappointing book, as it misses out many decisive retreats. Also misspells "Capitulation" on eighteen separate occasions.
- 12. Clifford the Small Dead Puppy
- (USA 2006) The prequel to "Clifford The Big Dead Dog" and "Clifford Goes To Sleep".
- 11. Where the Tame Things Are
- (USA 1954) A wholesome tale of a boy who behaves himself and never goes anywhere interesting.
- 10. Mail Delivery Technician Pat
- (UK 1997) Follows the waning career of postal worker Pat as he has to deal with Reverend Timms losing his faith, Sam the grocer giving up thanks to the power of Tesco, and e-mail rendering his job obselete - and Jess the cat just got run over by his son Julian.
- 9. Uncyclopedius Rex - Rampage in WikiCity
- (USA/UK 2004) Accompanying book to the popular Spielberg movie.
- 8. Mail Delivery Technician Pat Goes Postal - Revenge Time
- (UK 1998) Pat loses his job due to Post Office cutbacks, is turned down by FedEx, and disowned by his son. Armed with a double barrel shotgun, Pat.
- 7. When You Give a Mouse a cookie
- "When you give a mouse a cookie, he will want milk. When you give a mouse milk, he will want more. When you cannot provide more milk, the mouse will get angy. When a mouse gets angry, he will act irrationaly. When a mouse gets irrational he will find a local nuclear missle silo, hack into the mainframe of the U.S government and kill us all."
Mother: "You see sweetie, that is why I had to kill daddie , He was giving the mice cookies."
- 6. The Big Book of Robot Chicken
- Give your kid this book and we will be seing more comments like #7.
- 5. So You Want to Kill Your Parents
Over 400 different ways to end those damn basterds who unfortunatly gave birth to you.
- 4. The Art of Incest
- Why Mommie is also Auntie.
- 3. Why Your Dad Hates You, A Counting Book
- 1 You were a complete accident. 2 The Abortionist failed to kill you and sued because dad didn't want to pay the manditory fee. 3 Your birth resulted in mommies death, yes it is your falt she is dead. 4 Your hospital bill was so high that your father had to get 7 different jobs, and 3 of them involved prostitution. 5 After his many failed atempts to kill you, your father was imprisened, but don't worry he'll be getting out by the time you turn 12 and Dad can give you more of those super-tight sufficating hugs that cause you to lose the ability to breathe, and live.
- 2. The Candy in the Bathroom
- Learn all about the wonderfull and stupendis candy that can be found in your bathroom. Learn that draino can cure most illnesses. Discover the magic powers of Mydol and Asprin. And lets not forget about the cotton candy wonders nown as Tampax (can also be rubbed all over your genitals or genitalia for an extra suprise.)
- 1.The Bible
- Learn all about how slavery, genocide, rape, pedophilia, incest, racism, war, infanticide, discrimination, xenophobia, homophobia, beating up women, boys really hating girls, childbirth, death, puberty, pain, hatred, any violence, domestic violence, divorce, adultery, homosexuality, bodily functions, stoning anyone except religious people, disliking other religions and sects, ethnic/national strife, political violence, animal cruelty, poverty, class status, smoking, drinking, bad foods, moral hypocrisy, ethical corruption and human sacrifice are the best things you can do for your omnipotent, omniscient and omni-benevolent god. Only grown-ups can say "God..." when they are mad, like they drink coffee and takes medicines not to be for kids.
- 0. (not a number, but hey). Where do Babies Come From?
Rated-NSFK. Better stick to about 'where people go after they "die"?'
And remember, any book about topics that adults won't discuss among themselves. Lessons: Life is unfair. We are born, we die and it's back to the darkness.