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From the Chief • Audio • Podcast • Goldstein Award • Foolitzer Prize • Ask Cthulhu • Ask Hal 9000 • Tech Support
PARIS - Officials at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris expressed disappointment yesterday when they learned that the discovery of a tenth planet ranks 10th on a nationally compiled list of the 20 least cared-about news topics in America.
2003 UB313, the as-yet unnamed body, is larger than Pluto and has its own moon. The discovery of the planet had sparked a lively academic debate on the definition of a planet, but has yet to resonate with most Americans. -- more
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Charmin pitchman and television icon Mr. Whipple, has died at the age of 91. Whipple, born George Whipple Bush but dropped his last name at age 18, died Monday after squeezing a package of Charmin that was contaminated with E. Coli. Whipple was unaware of the contamination, despite the warnings of bystanders at the local grocery store called Albertsons.
"It was horrifying!" said John McCartney, 41. "I couldn't look. I had to cover my eyes."
As he squeezed, the TV legend inhaled a bit of the bacteria, which quickly led to a heart attack and an unbearable urge to pee. Confused Whipple didn't know which one he needed to take care of first. -- more
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Worldwide Forecast at a Glance:
- Starting in Europe where it should be dull and drizzly in the morning, a bit like waking up next to a lukewarm corpse.
- Starting in Asia, it'll be misty tomorrow as if the mist were hugging the ground like an over-affectionate and rather damp dog.
- Persons in south-east Asia are TSOL, expect hailstones the size of coconuts.
- And now, for your extended forecast: "Foooorrrcaaaasssstt".
- In summary, expect light beer drizzles here and there.
Special Weather Report:
Beer is expected to pour from buckets and kegs today.
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The number of accurate forecasts to date equals the number of homeruns Barry Bonds has without the aid of steroids.
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