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November 24, 2025 09:06 UTC

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Tenth Planet Identified as 10th Least Cared-About Topic in Nation

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PARIS - Officials at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris expressed disappointment yesterday when they learned that the discovery of a tenth planet ranks 10th on a nationally compiled list of the 20 least cared-about news topics in America.

2003 UB313, the as-yet unnamed body, is larger than Pluto and has its own moon. The discovery of the planet had sparked a lively academic debate on the definition of a planet, but has yet to resonate with most Americans. -- more

Mr. Whipple squeezes Charmin, dies at 91

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HOLLYWOOD, California -- Charmin pitchman and television icon Mr. Whipple, has died at the age of 91. Whipple, born George Whipple Bush but dropped his last name at age 18, died Monday after squeezing a package of Charmin that was contaminated with E. Coli. Whipple was unaware of the contamination, despite the warnings of bystanders at the local grocery store called Albertsons.

"It was horrifying!" said John McCartney, 41. "I couldn't look. I had to cover my eyes."

As he squeezed, the TV legend inhaled a bit of the bacteria, which quickly led to a heart attack and an unbearable urge to pee. Confused Whipple didn't know which one he needed to take care of first. -- more

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Worldwide Forecast at a Glance:

  • If you are in London today, don't be surprised by the sudden appearance of excess light, the rest of the world calls it Sun. The cause was noted by a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil.


Radar.jpg



  • Starting in Asia, it'll be misty tomorrow as if the mist were hugging the ground like an over-affectionate and rather damp dog.


  • On any random coastline, expect it to be like Christmas, at some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house from a hurricane.


  • A cold day in hell is scheduled for sometime next summer.


  • In summary, cool showers, cold beer, and grilled bratwurst makes Jack a happy happy man.


Special Weather Report:

Pat Robertson predicted the end of the World was yesterday, for those of you who missed it.

Global Warming Indicator

The odds of this forecast actually occurring is equal to the odds of an astronaut surviving a mission to Mars while being duct taped to a rhino.

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