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Tenth Planet Identified as 10th Least Cared-About Topic in Nation

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PARIS - Officials at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) in Paris expressed disappointment yesterday when they learned that the discovery of a tenth planet ranks 10th on a nationally compiled list of the 20 least cared-about news topics in America.

2003 UB313, the as-yet unnamed body, is larger than Pluto and has its own moon. The discovery of the planet had sparked a lively academic debate on the definition of a planet, but has yet to resonate with most Americans. -- more

Mr. Whipple squeezes Charmin, dies at 91

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HOLLYWOOD, California -- Charmin pitchman and television icon Mr. Whipple, has died at the age of 91. Whipple, born George Whipple Bush but dropped his last name at age 18, died Monday after squeezing a package of Charmin that was contaminated with E. Coli. Whipple was unaware of the contamination, despite the warnings of bystanders at the local grocery store called Albertsons.

"It was horrifying!" said John McCartney, 41. "I couldn't look. I had to cover my eyes."

As he squeezed, the TV legend inhaled a bit of the bacteria, which quickly led to a heart attack and an unbearable urge to pee. Confused Whipple didn't know which one he needed to take care of first. -- more

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Worldwide Forecast at a Glance:

  • Things should improve in Africa and the Americas, but there'll be loud thunderstorms in the evening, about the volume of a Thin Lizzy concert.


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  • Expect full sun in the Sahara today, tomorrow, and the next day.


  • On now to Canada and the north of the US, quite warm, about the temperature of a cow.


  • Inflow and horizontal vorticity may tilt into mesocylones anytime this Spring.


  • In summary, moderate acid rain only in the evenings.


Special Weather Report:

This shit so fire, it's burning down hundreds of square miles in California.

Global Warming Indicator

The odds of this forecast being correct is 1 in 1,000,000,000...ask Carl Sagans.

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